My spouse is an addict & in rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
My spouse is an addict & in rehab
Hello,
Great site. This is my first post.
My wife is an addict and is currently in an in-patient treatment program (she's at day 21 of 50)
As the spouse, I have found this process to be very frustrating.
I dropped her off 3 weeks ago and have barely heard a word from her since. She calls every couple of days but is only able to talk for 2 minutes.
It seems like I'm being kept in the dark - I have no idea what's going on or how she's doing. When we speak on the phone she's very evasive in her answers and it's obvious she doesn't want to talk about it.
It has created some friction between us which she says hurts her recovery.
I'm starting to resent her and the "process".
Not only did I have to deal with her addiction prior to the treatment (and all the nightmares that go along with that), but now I am running the household, taking care of our 2 kids all while working 50 hours a week.
The pamphlet says there is NOTHING more important than her recovery right now (family, work , etc is secondary). How is this realistic??
While she's living in her "bubble", life is still going on just like it was before she left.
When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I probably sound selfish and whiney (sorry about that) but I'm really getting sick of it.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Great site. This is my first post.
My wife is an addict and is currently in an in-patient treatment program (she's at day 21 of 50)
As the spouse, I have found this process to be very frustrating.
I dropped her off 3 weeks ago and have barely heard a word from her since. She calls every couple of days but is only able to talk for 2 minutes.
It seems like I'm being kept in the dark - I have no idea what's going on or how she's doing. When we speak on the phone she's very evasive in her answers and it's obvious she doesn't want to talk about it.
It has created some friction between us which she says hurts her recovery.
I'm starting to resent her and the "process".
Not only did I have to deal with her addiction prior to the treatment (and all the nightmares that go along with that), but now I am running the household, taking care of our 2 kids all while working 50 hours a week.
The pamphlet says there is NOTHING more important than her recovery right now (family, work , etc is secondary). How is this realistic??
While she's living in her "bubble", life is still going on just like it was before she left.
When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I probably sound selfish and whiney (sorry about that) but I'm really getting sick of it.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Riding Barefoot
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 452
Unfortunately, you can't rush it. It will likely be a while before she takes responsibility for all that she's put you through, but if she has a good program, it will happen. I definitely think Alanon is a great suggestion. It is for family and friends who are going through the same thing you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
I can relate to how you are feeling, but as PaperDolls and DrunkenBasement have posted, it will require more patience (and sometimes detachment). The great news is, she is in a safe place where it's all about recovery! She really does need to focus on her and work on her recovery as if her life depends on it (because it does).
Does your wife's in-patient program have a "family component" like "family group sessions?" I found these sessions to be helpful. As I attended these group sessions when my RAH was in rehab, I began to learn about my own need for recovery and the importance of me to focus on me. After he got out of rehab, I realized I had even more work to do on myself (as he worked on himself).
Going to Alanon, reading from this Forum, and finding support for yourself are all important. We're all here for you! (No, you're not whining, just expressing your frustration. I can totally relate!)
Sending you positive energy!
Does your wife's in-patient program have a "family component" like "family group sessions?" I found these sessions to be helpful. As I attended these group sessions when my RAH was in rehab, I began to learn about my own need for recovery and the importance of me to focus on me. After he got out of rehab, I realized I had even more work to do on myself (as he worked on himself).
Going to Alanon, reading from this Forum, and finding support for yourself are all important. We're all here for you! (No, you're not whining, just expressing your frustration. I can totally relate!)
Sending you positive energy!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I'm starting to resent her and the "process".
Not only did I have to deal with her addiction prior to the treatment (and all the nightmares that go along with that), but now I am running the household, taking care of our 2 kids all while working 50 hours a week.
The pamphlet says there is NOTHING more important than her recovery right now (family, work , etc is secondary). How is this realistic??
While she's living in her "bubble", life is still going on just like it was before she left.
When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I probably sound selfish and whiney (sorry about that) but I'm really getting sick of it.
Before Alanon my bitterness and resentments were like a dark mist that followed me everywhere. There used to be a comic where one character permanently had his own personal black storm cloud over his head at all times. I felt like that.
Alanon answers the "what about me?" question. It is about you.
After a while the bitterness and resentment lifted. It occasionally comes back, but I know it won't stay long, and I now have tools to deal with it.
For that alone, Alanon is sooooo worth it. But it doesn't stop there. My life has improved so much, my outlook is better; all my relationships are better not just with AH (still active). And I know, if I keep going, and listening, and trying, things will just get better and better.
Sorry you are having such a tough time. It can and will get better for you, whether AW is successful in her recovery or not.
Not only did I have to deal with her addiction prior to the treatment (and all the nightmares that go along with that), but now I am running the household, taking care of our 2 kids all while working 50 hours a week.
The pamphlet says there is NOTHING more important than her recovery right now (family, work , etc is secondary). How is this realistic??
While she's living in her "bubble", life is still going on just like it was before she left.
When do we get to the part that she tells me how she feels and she takes responsibilty for her previous actions and maybe even apologizes for all the bullsh1t she has put us all through???!!!
I probably sound selfish and whiney (sorry about that) but I'm really getting sick of it.
Before Alanon my bitterness and resentments were like a dark mist that followed me everywhere. There used to be a comic where one character permanently had his own personal black storm cloud over his head at all times. I felt like that.
Alanon answers the "what about me?" question. It is about you.
After a while the bitterness and resentment lifted. It occasionally comes back, but I know it won't stay long, and I now have tools to deal with it.
For that alone, Alanon is sooooo worth it. But it doesn't stop there. My life has improved so much, my outlook is better; all my relationships are better not just with AH (still active). And I know, if I keep going, and listening, and trying, things will just get better and better.
Sorry you are having such a tough time. It can and will get better for you, whether AW is successful in her recovery or not.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southampton, Va.
Posts: 12
Hey lester, This is my first post here, and I feel your frustration. I too have a wife that just entered rehab for prescription drugs and alcohol. Guess I can't offer much advice, but FWIW, i'm feeling the same way you are, minus the kids. I hope there is family or friends that are helping out. I've been dealing with my situation for about 15years!!
Just lately, I told her I've had enough. She then decided she did not want to end our marriage and checked herself into rehab. I'm trying to look at this in a positive light-but it is hard, esp. with all the crap this has put us through=(major medical bills, 3 dui's, jail, and etc. etc)
So, I'm in the same boat. I've also heard about Alanon, but haven't tried it yet. I really hope the advice here is true, that it will get better. It has to.
At least you know: you are not alone!
Just lately, I told her I've had enough. She then decided she did not want to end our marriage and checked herself into rehab. I'm trying to look at this in a positive light-but it is hard, esp. with all the crap this has put us through=(major medical bills, 3 dui's, jail, and etc. etc)
So, I'm in the same boat. I've also heard about Alanon, but haven't tried it yet. I really hope the advice here is true, that it will get better. It has to.
At least you know: you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
Welcome
From all that I have read and have personally gone through with my AH when he first started going to AA - what you are experiencing is fairly common.
There is a period in early recovery that is focused on the recovering addict and many times excludes the family. It can create a lot of resentment, but try not to take it personally - it is part of the recovery process.
Also, it will takes months before an addict truly recovers enough to start thinking and functioning normally again - as long as 6 months or more. There has been a significant disruption and damage to her thought processes due to the long term alcohol and drug consumption. There is also a significant psychological adjustment to sobriety.
So again, many others that have had their spouses or partners enter recovery are frustrated in the beginning and surprised to be dealing with isolation, moodiness and sometimes depression and anger ... instead of the apologies and hopefulness they were expecting.
Try to be patient and give it sometime to improve - true recovery doesn't happen quickly - but a day at a time.
From all that I have read and have personally gone through with my AH when he first started going to AA - what you are experiencing is fairly common.
There is a period in early recovery that is focused on the recovering addict and many times excludes the family. It can create a lot of resentment, but try not to take it personally - it is part of the recovery process.
Also, it will takes months before an addict truly recovers enough to start thinking and functioning normally again - as long as 6 months or more. There has been a significant disruption and damage to her thought processes due to the long term alcohol and drug consumption. There is also a significant psychological adjustment to sobriety.
So again, many others that have had their spouses or partners enter recovery are frustrated in the beginning and surprised to be dealing with isolation, moodiness and sometimes depression and anger ... instead of the apologies and hopefulness they were expecting.
Try to be patient and give it sometime to improve - true recovery doesn't happen quickly - but a day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Lester, welcome to SR.
Please try al-anon. It is the place where you can go to get the tools and support you need to make you better. I used a lot of 'you's in there on purpose. The program is about you and your recovery.
My experience with it is that Al-anon has helped me regain my sanity and to enjoy life again. I feel lighter and I even have my sense of humor back.
As for her recovery. Her recovery is hers to own. She needs to focus on herself. To you your marriage is at stake, for her her life is at stake. Uncontrolled alcoholism can and often does lead to death.
So let her focus on her recovery and you can start to focus on yours. Who knows where it will go from there but from my experience with how I feel it only gets better.
Don't forget, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Good luck and keep posting.
Please try al-anon. It is the place where you can go to get the tools and support you need to make you better. I used a lot of 'you's in there on purpose. The program is about you and your recovery.
My experience with it is that Al-anon has helped me regain my sanity and to enjoy life again. I feel lighter and I even have my sense of humor back.
As for her recovery. Her recovery is hers to own. She needs to focus on herself. To you your marriage is at stake, for her her life is at stake. Uncontrolled alcoholism can and often does lead to death.
So let her focus on her recovery and you can start to focus on yours. Who knows where it will go from there but from my experience with how I feel it only gets better.
Don't forget, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Good luck and keep posting.
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