JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Hello All,

I am still trying to sell my house and it has been long road but I am getting by because I am not feeding into the BS. I did get a kick out of this latest comment though. He tells me once again that he can control his drinking and not to worry. He said he has been talking to other guys that are our age and have gotten divorced. They say women do this around our age and when one friend (meaning my girlfriends) gets divorced, we all start to jump on the bandwagon!:rotfxko:rotfxko

I simply told him maybe that is true for some but I am getting divorced because of alcoholism and the effects on my life but if that makes you feel better, then go ahead and believe it. I also said you are just plain and simply in denial but it does not matter because I know the truth.

dollydo

Sounds like something my ex would come up with...I once asked him if he came up with all this BS on his own..or did he have help...he proudly proclaimed: " I come up with it all by myself". What a dork!

masuhanley

My ex-ABF told me today that he "simply made a mistake; I'm only human" when he decided to drink again last week. I had told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he drank again it was over for us. He proceeded to tell me what a b*tch I am since I can't forgive him this "mistake". He accused me of going out last Friday night, getting trashed and probably picking up some guy and bringing him home. HE was the one who was out getting trashed that night. I was at home in bed.

They really are assholes.

Seren

Oh, I do love a good conspiracy theory......

Sylvie66

Yup. I got this when I kicked out my severely abusive xh when I was 29, and now again, from my xABF, when I'm 45. And I always was one to do what everyone else is doing, right?

- Sylvie

Serenity8

Sounds like my ex-husband, who said I would NEVER BE HAPPY unless I had everything my sister had. Ummm, yeah, right. I would have started with a partner who was PRESENT and HAPPY and not ADDICTED and LYING half the time. Yes, if that's the case then yes, I wanted what SHE had.:eyeroll

tigger11

QUACK!

Last year when I last frequented this site, and again just now, it struck me that THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THINGS. As Hydrogirl said; "It's a conspiracy!" Maybe they pack all that identical verbiage into liquor bottles.

Hold tight, about to vent... STUPID, DRUNKEN, IDIOTS whose brains have been turned to mush and quackery.

Sorry my sober friends... I don't mean you... you are the wise ones now from whom we all learn.

It just hurts.

wywriter

LOL -- it just occurred to me that it doesn't necessarily have to be addicts (though my mom has argued that my 450lb ex has a food addiction, so that counts). When I left him, he told me, "You just think every relationship has to be perfect, and aren't willing to put in the effort it takes to reap the rewards. You quit because it's easier than commitment."

The reason I left? Infidelity. She moved in two weeks after I moved out, they announced the pregnancy less than a month later, and their "premature" 8lb baby was born several months after that. But yeah, I must have just not been willing to put what it takes into a relationship.

worriedwife2

Wow, I really needed this today! I haven't been on here for quite a while and well needless to say, I'm no further along today. I told AH that if he spent all the money, etc. that I was done. This time I didn't make an empty threat and have a plan to leave. But, he says, "I have been looking for a reason to leave anyways." When do they, if ever, take responsibilty for their part in the problems. He always turns it back around on me. This time I need to stay strong and move forward. Ugh, help!

Do any of you A's in your life get mean and then you get scared and just stay out of fear?

Thanks,
worriedwife2

tigger11

WW2 - yes. Many of us either stay, or leave out of fear. I've done both. I recommend the latter with a healthy dose of taking care of yourself.

GettingBy

WW2... yes. I too have dealt with a mean/sarcastic AH. And sometimes I "stood up" to it, and by that I mean - I threw the sarcasm back at him because I thought that was how I should defend myself. And other times, I sat in silence or just walked away. Neither response was healthy FOR ME.

I am learning, through working on MY recovery, that the right response is living MY life with dignity. Standing up for me and saying, "That's unacceptable to talk to me that way."

I don't know if you go to Al-anon... if not, please consider it! So much of my situation has improved simply by working on ME. I'm not participating in the chaos and insanity anymore. I'm stepping out of the dance - and that makes me feel better, and stronger.


JRG - Oh the consipiracy theory is my favorite too!! As I've posted before, my AH and his whole family hates Al-anon because as they put it - "It's a room full of bitter, old divorced man-hating hags!!" I have to put their comments into perspective and remember that is their perspective - coming from a place of ignorance and fear. They have never been to Al-anon so how could they possibly form an opinion, particularly such a negative one?!?! Fear, fear of the unknown. I think most of it comes from the reaction to my changes. I'm no longer the doormat I once was. I am standing up for me - and the game has changed for everyone. Ooh, but people don't like change. Status quo is GOOODD!! They would all prefer I stay put in my role as the "good, enabling wife"... anything less than that, and everyone becomes responsible for themselves. GASP. But... but... then who will be blame!?!?! If Shannon stops being a raging control freak, and things still go bad.... *GASP* that must mean somebody else owns part of the problem!!! NOOOOO!!!! It's so much easier to point the figure at ME than take responsibility for their own roles.

The beauty of not participating and responding to the insanity - is the other person is left to face their part. I am no longer contributing to the problem. I live my life with dignity - and I let others around me do the same.

So, just keep focusing on you and keep your side of the street clean

Thanks for letting me share,
Shannon

masuhanley

Oh here's another good one that I have always gotten: "Boy it sure is easy for you to give up on me/us/everything we've every had together. I thought what we had meant more to you than that." And on and on and on....

wellnowwhat

JRG - Oh the consipiracy theory is my favorite too!! As I've posted before, my AH and his whole family hates Al-anon because as they put it - "It's a room full of bitter, old divorced man-hating hags!!" I have to put their comments into perspective and remember that is their perspective - coming from a place of ignorance and fear. They have never been to Al-anon so how could they possibly form an opinion, particularly such a negative one?!?! Fear, fear of the unknown. I think most of it comes from the reaction to my changes. I'm no longer the doormat I once was. I am standing up for me - and the game has changed for everyone. Ooh, but people don't like change. Status quo is GOOODD!! They would all prefer I stay put in my role as the "good, enabling wife"... anything less than that, and everyone becomes responsible for themselves. GASP. But... but... then who will be blame!?!?! If Shannon stops being a raging control freak, and things still go bad.... *GASP* that must mean somebody else owns part of the problem!!! NOOOOO!!!! It's so much easier to point the figure at ME than take responsibility for their own roles.

I am getting a version of this too. Now that I am starting to do things and live my life, as opposed to the little isolation hole I dug for myself, and have a little bit of enjoyment, it is seen as "look at her having a good time while poor ole AH is at home suffering from alcoholism and drinking all alone".

Sheeeesh! Apparently it's not enough that I am still living with him, but apparently I need to watch, and suffer, and handhold, and "be there" and whatever else they think will help him. Oh, I forgot the "make him's".

returntonormal

[QUOTE=worriedwife2;3047756]Wow, I really needed this today! I haven't been on here for quite a while and well needless to say, I'm no further along today. I told AH that if he spent all the money, etc. that I was done. This time I didn't make an empty threat and have a plan to leave. But, he says, "I have been looking for a reason to leave anyways." When do they, if ever, take responsibilty for their part in the problems. He always turns it back around on me. This time I need to stay strong and move forward. Ugh, help


I can really relate. You are changing even if you cannot see it. It does take time to build strength, but change happens little by little. I have been afraid too. I'm trying to leave my marriage now, even though he's said he'll quit drinking.

I have come to realize that I have been looking for a reason to leave anyway. We've grown so far apart. And I don't want to work on it anymore.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I am starting to realize that there is not anything that he can say anymore that will suprise me and I am so glad I no longer get sucked in. There is such peace in not agruing over nonsense. Sometimes, I wish I had found SR alot earlier and saved myself alot of aggravation. Oh well, better late than never!!

skippernlilg

I'm in a slightly different spot, I think. ex(R?)ABF is now far away from me in another state. We are still in contact. I hear him say things that do not ring true in my ears, but I don't get revved up about them like I once did. I don't double check his word or second guess what he said. I've noticed I've put less value on his words than what I may see in his actions with my limited view. I've noticed I think more on the lines of, "This sounds like where he is today." but without measurement or a timeline for the future.

I love him. I sure hope for the best for him.

I am more sure of the best for me, however this shakes out.