Eddiebuckle

PMLXO,

I think the idea of getting your own place is a very good one. As to a one week hiatus, that is meaningless. I highly recommend you get and read the book Under the Influence, its got lots of information on alcohol, alcoholism, and the progression it takes. I read it after I was two months sober, and it was an eye opener for me.

Good luck, and keep posting. As you probably suspect, this is not something that is going to magically go away... there's lots of experience here - make use of it!

TeM

I can't tell you what to do, but I will echo what some others have said: my alcoholic wife has abstained from drinking for varying periods of time... as long as three months... but she always goes back to it.

Now, that doesn't mean she can't stop, or won't some day wake up and realize that she needs help, but so far she hasn't taken those steps. I think the point is that one week's sobriety may not be enough to be sure.

I believe you're getting some good advice here from people with lots of wisdom on this subject. Keep posting, and don't be afraid to take your time before making a decision.

wywriter

Here's the really tough part, and the hardest to accept -- we can't help them. Period. There is nothing we can do to break through the denial, and nothing we can do to help someone achieve or maintain sobriety. Only the person who has control of that person can do that, and no one can control anyone except for themselves.

I thought I could help mine too. I'm wife #3, with kids #5 and #6 for him. Wife #1 with kids #1, #2, and #3 cheating on him didn't wake him up. Wife #2 with kid #4 leaving after she cleaned up from a nasty drug addiction and couldn't continue recovering with him in her life didn't wake him up. Granted, I didn't know all of this before I got together with him -- but neither did the previous two. Now the doctor tells him his liver and kidneys are very unhappy with him, and that's not waking him up either. My uncle also lost his wife and kids, and had an extended family that doggedly tried to help him until the day he quit eating, then we all knew it was over except the bagpipes. He died about two weeks later.

I know end-stage alcoholism is an extreme that is very difficult to fathom at this point, but there's always a chance it can get there. That said, it seems that the impermeable denial isn't any different at any stage. I'm 25 years old, I certainly never would have guessed that I would be staring in the face of impending widowhood by this point in my life. The three C's have turned into my mantra -- I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and there is no cure.

EnoughisEnough7

Things to be thankful for:

1) You've received lots of good advise here to give you guidance.


2) Be grateful he is only your fiance ... and not yet your husband.


May you make the choices you have available that will give you the healthy, happy life you deserve.

TeM

Amazing, isn't it? My AW has yet to admit she has a problem. Late last year, she fell and broke her ankle while drunk. Her hospital bill was $30,000 (thank God we had insurance). I thought for sure this incident would wake her up, but it didn't phase her. She resumed her drinking as soon as she was able to drive to the Liquor Store.

Spawn

One week ?

That's not very long ?

wellnowwhat

Hi. Years and years ago I told my AH (who was denying he had any problem with alcohol) "I quit for 9 months for each of our children, it is your turn to quit for 9 months for our marriage". He lasted for about 2 weeks (that I know of).

Two things came from this challenge:

1. I knew without a doubt, finally, that I was not crazy, there was definitely a problem with alcohol; and

2. I have never actually seen him drink since that challenge, the secret drinking and all that entails began then and continues to this day. A different kind of craziness!

Interestingly, on the rare occasions when we talk about his alcoholism and he is relatively forthcoming, he pins the beginning of an awareness of the problem of alcoholism as being about a dozen years later.

I guess all those years in between he didn't figure he had a problem with drinking but that I had a problem with him drinking.

wywriter

My older brother broke his ankle on his wedding night -- sadly, a pretty accurate omen for the rest of the marriage so far. My husband has had numerous broken bones and concussions (three in the past 12 months alone) and falls all the time. Last time he had a really nasty fall, he decided he definitely did have a problem -- with no hand rails on the stairs to the basement.

I just discovered last night that we're back to the hiding liquor phase again. Not to hide that he's drinking, mind you, he's very open about the first pint and 6-pack. Now he's just hiding the second, third, etc. pint, or buying a pint and a fifth and putting the pint "on display."

Eddiebuckle

I did that. The odd part: I live alone. Delusions of normalcy...

TeM

AW does that... not sure why, since she insists it's not a problem. Maybe she thinks we won't notice that she's in a drunken stupor and smells like a brewery if we don't see the bottle.

returntonormal

I can really relate to where you are at, although our circumstances are quite different. I'm married with two kids. I've been with my AH for eleven years. During our marriage there have been several times where I've discussed my concerns about his drinking. This usually prompted him to say that he didn't have a problem, but he'd cut back. His cutting back usually only lasted a few days or weeks before he was back to drinking the way he'd normally done.

Fast forward to last year. He was drinking a crazy amount, becoming dejected or angry. I called the police one night because he wouldn't stop shouting at me (I had gone to bed). The next day, he asked if I wanted him to say, and I said, only if he could change. It's been seven months since then and his drinking, while better, is still a problem. He does not see it this way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even alcoholics can moderate if they are afraid their world is going to fall down around them. Fear is a great motivator. BUT if the only reason they're doing it is to please us, then it won't last. I wish I'd left sooner. I really really wish I'd left sooner.

Best of luck - hope my story helps.

TeM

I can vouch for that. The last time AW "quit", it was because our daughter had told her she was tearing apart the family. AW had a really bad attitude about it, like a teenager being forced to give up video games. I knew it wouldn't last, and it didn't. She was drunk again within two weeks.

Spawn

Pmlxo......are you seeing a pattern?