Eight Ball

I left my AH just over 8 weeks ago now and living on my own for the first time in my life as I have two adult DD’s. I have been going NC with my AH since, although I hadn’t really been bothered by him apart from contact relating to bills etc.

Small amount of history: We met at 15yrs old, married for 23yrs but have 30yrs of history (45yrs old now). He has been a verbally abuse alcoholic but the verbal abuse had reduced significantly since I started Al-anon and learnt to detach or say ‘stop’. The drinking bothered me a lot and although I had tried to detach, I couldnt live with it anymore.

Last weekend I had an email from AH saying that he would like to meet up. I sat on it for a couple of days whilst I decided what to do and then thought that I would at least go and hear what he had to say. I wasn’t getting my hopes up.

I met him this weekend. He didn’t look good – very shaky. He went to the doctors and has been diagnosed with depression and his anxiety has hit the roof, so he is on anti-anxiety and depression medication as well as tablets to help him give up smoking. He told me that he had reached his rock bottom and has seen a therapist for help to stop the drinking. She was a bit concerned that he was trying to do too much all at once (giving up smoking too) and so has got him on a programme to reduce his alcohol intake – 3 bottles of beer a night with 2 nights of no drinking to begin with.

He has just given notice on the large house we shared and is moving into a smaller place by himself. He says that he knows that he has to work on himself first, if we are ever going to stand a chance of working things out together. He desperately wants a life and future with me.

I am hopeful but a bit scared of being hurt and let down again as I know through SR that positive outcomes are far and few between. I am going to continue to look after me and my own recovery. I have been straight with him and told him that one of my boundaries is that I can’t live with the drinking anymore and never will again.

It is good news that he at least appears to be ‘actioning’ and not just ‘talking’ about getting better and becoming sober but both he and I know that he will have a hard road to travel and it’s going to be tough.

I am posting this on SR as my ES&H for others in a similar situation and for ES&H from those who have already been through this. I don’t know how much or how little to get involved – I know I need to leave him to his own recovery and to find his own way but everything else is a grey area. At the moment we have left it that we may spend some time together at the weekends (I keep myself busy during the week with my own activities) and maybe the odd phone call.

wywriter

I can't say I've been through this part, because my AH is still very active and I'm working on my own detachment and recovery. However, I have found that about the only way to keep from being disappointed by people is to not stake your emotions on them in the first place. I guess the best way it might apply here is to keep focusing on you and your recovery, keep your boundaries, and kind of feel your way a little at a time with your AH. At this point it sounds like it's recovery on both sides, and it may be some time before any decisions can be made about whether or not the relationship will continue. Take it slow, and keep your focus on what you need to be happy and healthy. Hope all works out for the best .

transformyself

You sound like you're totally keeping a straight head on your shoulders. Awesome.

I would also just keep working my program. Sobriety may or may not come for your AH, but keeping your boundaries in place will keep you safe from the drinking, and keeping your focus on yourself and your new life will, I predict, create something more beautiful than you could imagine.

How's that going for you? Living alone after all these years?

newby1961

I am a recovering alcoholic and I have been sober 7 years and 2 months. I have been to many treatment centers AA and umpteen counselors. I have never heard of anyone with a degree tell a client to drink 3 bottles of beer a night and then none for 2 days.

If you have truly hit rock bottom and want to quit then you quit you don't play around with it. At least for me cutting down never ever worked.

I am glad to hear you say that for now you are going to work on yourself because that way you hopefully will see through the games?

Maybe someone else on here has heard of what you are talking about and for your sake I hope its not just a ploy to keep you around.

Eight Ball

Its ok - peaceful. I have a nice new rental and my nice furniture surrounding me, so I love my home, as its comfortable. I struggle some evenings being on my own - I get spooked and sleep with my light on dim or watch TV until I fall asleep.

My HP has been working hard at keeping me very, very busy, so I haven't had too much time to wallow.

I know that I will be OK on my own (if I don't have a choice) because I am feeling much healthier within myself, than this time 18 months ago (when I first found Al-anon and SR)

Eight Ball

Thanks for your reply and congratulations on your length of sobriety.

From what my AH told me, he wanted to quit straight away but because he has just quit smoking, the therapist didn't think it would be wise to tackle too much at once. She is a Psychotherapist (degree) but from what I gather is trying to ween him off the drinking whilst he concentrates on the stopping smoking. I did say to AH that the doctor would likely have preferred him to stop the drinking rather than the smoking, but he had already gone down that route.

My AH cant cut down either - tries but fails. He did quit once before and managed about 5 months before relapsing.

I could easily 'jump in' (Cody) and start making suggestions for his recovery etc, but this isn't my battle its his, so I am trying to stay out of it.

He knows that I am prepared to work on our marriage sometime in the future, but only if he manages to maintain sobriety, so the balls in his court. We have known each other for 30yrs, so a year or two in the middle to sort ourselves out wont hurt if we can have a sober, healthy marriage 30yrs moving forward. - Trying not to get my hopes up though - feet firmly on the ground.

Eddiebuckle

I am a recovering alcoholic with 19 months sobriety. Many in AA recommend that newly sober people avoid romantic relationships for the first year. It seems that romantic relationships in early sobriety tend to muddy the waters mentally and emotionally for the person in recovery, and frequently are a distraction from ones program. One of the biggest things that I discovered in my first year is how terrible my instincts can be, and how seriously drinking affects ones emotions and ability to think clearly. I would caution how quickly and to what extent you reconnect with your AH, because the semblance of normalcy can very easily be confused with sobriety. Much of the work in the 12 steps is introspective and painful to process - our egos want to avoid this pain, and our disease absolutely so. Any superficial progress in our relationships can be misread as "I am better" and morph into a catalyst for avoidance and denial. And ultimately relapse.

You are wise to recognize that this is his journey. Be careful not to unwittingly allow that journey to become sidetracked.

BobbyJ

Newby1961 & Eddiebuckle - Thanks for your honesty. What you wrote is so true from my experiance. In the beginning, I always wanted to believe my xah was different.
I always wanted to believe his rock bottom was losing his wife, family, marriage, home...
He's still not there yet......

Eightball, 24 months of sobriety is what I have been told, is the point where they can really begin to think clearly....Thread Lightly & It sounds like your doing a great job!

newby1961

Yes I totaly get trying to back off for awhile but still wanting to work it out. That is a long time to invest in a relationship and I am sure you both love each other very much or one of you would have walked away long ago?

Its so hard to comment sometimes because no one is walking in your shoes and your experience is yours but know that most comments are said out of concern and empathy.

As long as you both have your HP helping you I have no doubt you will come to some sort of peace.

Peace & blessings