hopeandbe

Hello, all - I apologize for the length of this post! I haven't been on the board since I split up with my alcoholic partner in 2008/2009... but now I have a story, and some questions. Here goes:

Amy, my best friend and ex-partner, is a 56 year-old recovering alcoholic, with some long-term stretches of sobriety - (13+ at one point) and most recently, until a few days ago, a 4 and 1/2 year stretch. After a two-year battle with Stage IV lung cancer that had metastasized to the brain, she has just found out she is in remission, and is currently free of any old or new tumors. A reason to celebrate, right? Unfortunately, her younger brother passed away unexpectedly from pneumonia two months ago, and she is taking the blame for it, although no one knew he was that ill.

We split up a long time ago, but I came willingly back into her life as her informal caretaker while she battled cancer. We live in close but different cities.We got along well, and did a lot of fun, sober things together while she fought the beast, all the while going to meetings and staying sober. I think the problems started with her increasing use of Ativan since her brother passed.

For the past two weeks, I have recognized the onset of relapse patterns emerging - changing our weekend plans, less attendance at AA meetings (she said she was tired and had no energy), sleeping a lot and/or complaining of insomnia, missing her volunteer obligations, etc. Having been to a few Al-Anon meetings and having read a ton of Al-Anon literature, I know that I cannot stop her drinking, and must let go and let God.

This weekend we had plans to get together. She has been saying since last weekend that she has either the flu or a cold, but her slurred speech and flat affect tell me otherwise. A mutual friend went to her apartment last night and knocked, but she would not answer. This morning, Amy called me and said she was still sick, and had fallen down the stairs to her apartment while taking out the trash. I asked her if she had been taking any drugs or drinking; she denied both, and said she just wants to sleep. Another mutual friend, a fellow AA member of Amy's and an RN, offered to drive over this morning and ran into her as she was coming out of her apartment. She said Amy looked terrible, with bruises, a gouged nose and rug burns on her knees. She at first admitted taking Ativan, then denied it. The friend also believes she has also been drinking. We are continuing to check on her and offer assistance, but she is turning us away, not answering her door.

Where I would usually panic, beg, plead, threaten and cajole many years ago, I know now that I must detach with love, let her hit her bottom, and offer her support.

My question is this: Is there a potentially serious situationhere? Should I (we) call an ambulance if necessary? Or am I overreacting? The nurse friend said she will call if she goes over to the apartment and gets no response from Amy this evening. She is concerned, as I am, that the Ativan is a new wrinkle in the problem as Amy never drank and took anything other than melatonin in the past relapse incidents (2). She was ambulatory this morning, but unsteady on her feet as our nurse friend observed her walking to the store to get "fruit."

Anyone have any experience with drinking and Ativan?

This is a fabulous board that helped me through some rough times in the past. Thanks in advance to all of you!

Freedom1990

I can't even imagine drinking on top of Ativan. I was given Ativan in the emergency room after phenergan didn't stop my vomiting, and I was loopy the rest of the night! It is so dangerous to drink on top of a drug like that!

I am so sorry your friend is doing this.

hopeandbe

Thank you. It is so distressing to see her do so well for so long in her fight against cancer, then start down this slippery slope....

freedomfighter

Not an expert, but my husband got completely out of his mind drinking on top of the ativan, ended up in ER. Nurses in the ER said it is very dangerous. So sorry you are dealing with this.

hopeandbe

That's so scary! The nurse friend is going over there in a few hours. When I talked to Amy this morning, she was fairly lucid and not talking nonsense, except for the expected lies and denial. In other words, she didn't sound delirious, just tired. We are prepared to call 911 this evening if she does not respond to calls or knocks on the door.

When you say your husband was out of his mind, was he delirious, sleepy, or passed out? I am sorry for asking about what was obviously a painful experience, but am curious and this is helpful while I wait here, stressing out. I know enough to keep busy and not neglect my own responsibilities, but the guilt and stress is hard... Thank you for listening!

hopeandbe

Received a call from our mutual nurse friend, putting Amy on the phone with me to confirm the date and time.

It was 8:15 p,m,, Sunday (tonight). Amy thought it was Monday at 8 a.m., and the cable guy was coming to hook up the cable line she broke this week.... I confirmed the accurate time. She did not beleive me at all!

To make a long story short, the nurse, an AA friend, made the decision to call 911, despite Amy's protests and begging to "let me stay with (me) or you."

We both declined the requests to house her, i.e., put up with her BS.

The paramedics showed up, talked to her and searched the apartment, finding half a bottle of wine under the kitchen sink.

She is now safe, in the same hospital where she has been treated for her cancer, and I am soooo relieved..

Note: I never left my house to "rescue" her - but thank God for her AA friend. That friend cut her absolutely no slack!

On to tomorrow, and the rest of MY life...

Mad4Chaos

I myself have taken ativan to treat my insomnia for years. I took it & would drink on top of it when I had to go work the next day. The only side effect I had was instead of drinking for 5 hours, I only drank for 3.

Panther

Hope - It does sound serious. I can't say how much Ativan comes into play in how sick your friend is, but I can tell you that certain drugs can trigger a relapse (even if it wasn't the drug of addiction). And it certainly doesn't help in terms of your friends health, because any drug mixed with alcohol is multiple times more potent and can do serious liver damage, plus it stays in the system longer.

I think your friend who is a nurse is on the right track. Getting her into a hospital is the right thing to do.

I understand you are trying to detach, but in my opinion detachment does NOT mean ignoring obvious signs of failing health. And in detachment I believe, you can still care about the person. You must also remember that for many alcoholics hitting rock bottom may mean dying, so it may not be the best concept to follow.

I hope things get better for you and your friend.

Panther

*Just read the update - I hope your friend now gets some help! Its good you have extra support.

hopeandbe

Thank you, Panther. She is now safely in a rehab facility, where they are weaning her off the Ativan. I believe you are correct that it triggered a relapse, on top of the sudden death of her brother. She is now getting grief counseling, and definitely knows that taking the drug on top of the drinking was not a good idea. I went to visit her last night. Her spirits are good and she is very appreciative of getting some much-needed counseling.

It's been tricky trying to detach to keep my sanity intact without compromising her safety. Sometimes the path is not so clear. But in the long run, acting on the side of caution is always the prudent thing to do.

Thank you for your thoughts and support.

hopeandbe

Now my friend is VERY upset that the ambulance ride is going to cost her 1,000 bucks. She is blaming the nurse friend and me. AF and I had plans to go on a trip - we already paid for the tickets, and now she syas she can't afford to go. They are not transferrable, so I get to pay for her relapse, too. We all pay. Sorry, I'm just venting....Otherwise, she is again sober. At least she didn't have to pay for the 72 -hour stay in rehab....