Filing for divorce.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2
Filing for divorce.
Hi all, I am new here at SR, have enjoyed reading all the threads and posts. Some great advice. I just recently filed for divorce from my AH, it has been very difficult, most people just think we are separated and the only support has come from my immediate family and very close friends. Many people have told me they cannot believe I am leaving when he needs me. I have been told that I am acting "hasty"
My AH and I have been together for 22 years, married 17, we have 3 children (15, 12 and 8). In hindsight, he has been a functioning alcoholic probably the whole time, I just didn't realize, alcohol has always been a big part of how I grew up. Anyway, for the last probably 2 years he has been in full blown addiction. Now I didn't pull my head out of the sand until last summer, and slowly at that. By the fall, there was no denying it. That is when he began with all the excuses - my mother is sick (she died), my father is sick (he's ok), the ecomony is horrible, you can't find a job to help me and many other things I have done wrong, the list goes on and on.
So December is when the complete craziness begins-he gets a DUI, he then lands in the hospital for 10 days missing Christmas with the kids, he comes out and agrees to outpatient. Doesn't go probably more than once. It doesn't work. Returns to drinking. Ends up in hospital again. Is told that his health is very comprimised by drinking, he needs to get help to live. Can't hear this. Goes back to drinking (this time with some prescription meds thrown it), a relative ends up calling the police to the house. The children and I leave, he ends up in hospital again for Easter. He enters a detox/rehab program for 14 days, he won't stay any longer. When he leaves, I set my boundries that he really needs to commit to sobriety or I the children and I cannot continue. He becomes angry, says I am threatening. His counselor tells me I am angry and I need to give him benefit of doubt. He comes out, I let him come right back to our home (big mistake), he seems sober, he goes to a few AA meeting (at least I think, oh how I hate the last A). Then starts drinking again, this time it is really bad. So we are in mid June, he takes off, says he isn't sure he wants to be part of family, we would be better off without him. Children and I don't know where he is for days, although he keeps calling to discuss how I will live without him, I was really worried about his mental state. Then he comes home, tells me he will drink or not drink, it is up to him. I say fine, but the children and I are done with the roller coaster ride. We leave. He spends the next 10 days in house, leaving once to go to liquor store. He tells the few people he talked to that he tried rehab it didn't work, this is how he is going to be. My neighbors check on him daily to make sure he is still alive. I finally tell him that I want a divorce. His sister goes to the house to talk with him, some how he has now decided that he needs help. So he gets checked into a hospital for detox, and then is transferred to a 28 day program. I feel that being the master manipulator, he is only doing this so I won't divorce him. But I continue, he was served with the divorce papers in rehab. His response was that he thought we were going to see how the 28 days "played out". My thought is this isn't a game, can't you see what the last year has done to the children. And the last month was the worst hell for them. I can't let this happen to them anymore.
I truly love the man that I married, this person isn't that man. I long for that man back, but feel that may never happen. I am not a quitter, but I think reality, and reality for these children needs to take over. His current counselor thinks that I am making the wrong decision, she said that he needs something to work toward, and it may save his life, so that he doesn't end up drinking himself to death. Honestly, I am doing what I am doing as I see it as his only chance to get sober and live, if he has been so unhappy in family life, I am setting him free. He has talked about it a lot, but always about how if I am unhappy I should leave, for months he has been telling me to leave, I am a little angry that I am the one who has to take the steps and now I look like the heartless b****. And of course, the finances are a mess, I am trying to save the house for the kids, so one thing will be stable in their lives. I feel I am following my higher power, I go to Al-Anon, work with a therapist (he thought all of this was stupid), the children are in therapy, tried al-ateen, haven't embraced that yet.
Please I need to hear from peple who have been where I am, am I being hasty by finally standing up and saying no more. thanks.
My AH and I have been together for 22 years, married 17, we have 3 children (15, 12 and 8). In hindsight, he has been a functioning alcoholic probably the whole time, I just didn't realize, alcohol has always been a big part of how I grew up. Anyway, for the last probably 2 years he has been in full blown addiction. Now I didn't pull my head out of the sand until last summer, and slowly at that. By the fall, there was no denying it. That is when he began with all the excuses - my mother is sick (she died), my father is sick (he's ok), the ecomony is horrible, you can't find a job to help me and many other things I have done wrong, the list goes on and on.
So December is when the complete craziness begins-he gets a DUI, he then lands in the hospital for 10 days missing Christmas with the kids, he comes out and agrees to outpatient. Doesn't go probably more than once. It doesn't work. Returns to drinking. Ends up in hospital again. Is told that his health is very comprimised by drinking, he needs to get help to live. Can't hear this. Goes back to drinking (this time with some prescription meds thrown it), a relative ends up calling the police to the house. The children and I leave, he ends up in hospital again for Easter. He enters a detox/rehab program for 14 days, he won't stay any longer. When he leaves, I set my boundries that he really needs to commit to sobriety or I the children and I cannot continue. He becomes angry, says I am threatening. His counselor tells me I am angry and I need to give him benefit of doubt. He comes out, I let him come right back to our home (big mistake), he seems sober, he goes to a few AA meeting (at least I think, oh how I hate the last A). Then starts drinking again, this time it is really bad. So we are in mid June, he takes off, says he isn't sure he wants to be part of family, we would be better off without him. Children and I don't know where he is for days, although he keeps calling to discuss how I will live without him, I was really worried about his mental state. Then he comes home, tells me he will drink or not drink, it is up to him. I say fine, but the children and I are done with the roller coaster ride. We leave. He spends the next 10 days in house, leaving once to go to liquor store. He tells the few people he talked to that he tried rehab it didn't work, this is how he is going to be. My neighbors check on him daily to make sure he is still alive. I finally tell him that I want a divorce. His sister goes to the house to talk with him, some how he has now decided that he needs help. So he gets checked into a hospital for detox, and then is transferred to a 28 day program. I feel that being the master manipulator, he is only doing this so I won't divorce him. But I continue, he was served with the divorce papers in rehab. His response was that he thought we were going to see how the 28 days "played out". My thought is this isn't a game, can't you see what the last year has done to the children. And the last month was the worst hell for them. I can't let this happen to them anymore.
I truly love the man that I married, this person isn't that man. I long for that man back, but feel that may never happen. I am not a quitter, but I think reality, and reality for these children needs to take over. His current counselor thinks that I am making the wrong decision, she said that he needs something to work toward, and it may save his life, so that he doesn't end up drinking himself to death. Honestly, I am doing what I am doing as I see it as his only chance to get sober and live, if he has been so unhappy in family life, I am setting him free. He has talked about it a lot, but always about how if I am unhappy I should leave, for months he has been telling me to leave, I am a little angry that I am the one who has to take the steps and now I look like the heartless b****. And of course, the finances are a mess, I am trying to save the house for the kids, so one thing will be stable in their lives. I feel I am following my higher power, I go to Al-Anon, work with a therapist (he thought all of this was stupid), the children are in therapy, tried al-ateen, haven't embraced that yet.
Please I need to hear from peple who have been where I am, am I being hasty by finally standing up and saying no more. thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Welcome to SR! We're glad you found us. My situation was different in that we did not have children. I filed for divorce after six years of marriage. The insanity was simply too much. He is still in a downward spiral.
Those that think you are acting hasty have no idea what it is like to live with an alcoholic.
There will be more along who have excellent advice. Finding a local AlAnon group helped me tremendously.
Those that think you are acting hasty have no idea what it is like to live with an alcoholic.
There will be more along who have excellent advice. Finding a local AlAnon group helped me tremendously.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and introduce yourself to the rest of the family.
You will find loads of support and wisdom on this forum. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Are you being hasty?
NO
Accepting unacceptable behavior from your life partner for more than 5 minutes is tooooooo long.
You and your children deserve to be treated with respect, love, support and encouragement.
I am concerned about a counselor that believes you have the power to cure an active alcoholic. Is this something said directly to you by the counselor or was this passed onto you by your AH? Either way, you have the right to choose how you live your one precious life.
You are a good mom for removing the drama from your children's lives. At my house, there was a sense of peacefullness and calm that followed the divorce. Serenity.
One of our moderators has this as her signature line:
"What other people think of me is none of my business"
I agree.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and introduce yourself to the rest of the family.
You will find loads of support and wisdom on this forum. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Are you being hasty?
NO
Accepting unacceptable behavior from your life partner for more than 5 minutes is tooooooo long.
You and your children deserve to be treated with respect, love, support and encouragement.
I am concerned about a counselor that believes you have the power to cure an active alcoholic. Is this something said directly to you by the counselor or was this passed onto you by your AH? Either way, you have the right to choose how you live your one precious life.
You are a good mom for removing the drama from your children's lives. At my house, there was a sense of peacefullness and calm that followed the divorce. Serenity.
One of our moderators has this as her signature line:
"What other people think of me is none of my business"
I agree.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Pelican is right on the money. He didn't quit drinking before to save his family, why should this time be any different? Not that he might not try, and succeed, this time, but it isn't the presence or absence of the family that will "do the trick". It will be his own desperation that does it.
I would suggest that you go with your OWN truth, which is that you and the kids should not be subjected to this anymore. Wish him well with his recovery, pray for his recovery, hope that someday he can have a good relationship with his children again, but do what you need to do for right now.
Hugs (and I wonder where that counselor got his/her degree...),
I would suggest that you go with your OWN truth, which is that you and the kids should not be subjected to this anymore. Wish him well with his recovery, pray for his recovery, hope that someday he can have a good relationship with his children again, but do what you need to do for right now.
Hugs (and I wonder where that counselor got his/her degree...),
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh Freedomfighter, I am so sorry to hear what you have been living. The active alcoholic that consumed me for so many years, had the same demeanor as your husband. Their ability to turn the situation around, and blame everyone else for their actions and choices is unbelievable. I can remember being so filled with raw emotion, and just pure disgust. It took such a toll on my sanity to watch him get sh*tfaced everyday. And then the ugly would come out, wanting to argue (about nothing) so unhappy in his own skin, that he was just trying to rub it off wherever he could.
The wonderful, handsome, funny, kind guy that I once treasured was gone. I am certain he has suffered brain damage from his long term abuse. I had to accept that I was involved with the shell, the heart and soul had left his body long ago.
I was in love with a memory. And that just wasn't acceptable. Had to let go. I had become isolated from so many friends, and activities that I once enjoyed. The disease was consuming me, and I was in a fog. One day something just screamed in my ear "No More" and that was the end. No regrets.
I understand your situation is more challenging as you have kids to think of and provide for. That is all the more reason to get your family to a better place. You and the kids have endured enough. It is time to look to the future, build a new life that is not filled with manipulation, and the day to day hell that we all have lived.
Sending you positive thoughts and strength. Keep the faith, you and the kids deserve a second chance. Life without all the bullsh*t is simply amazing.....
The wonderful, handsome, funny, kind guy that I once treasured was gone. I am certain he has suffered brain damage from his long term abuse. I had to accept that I was involved with the shell, the heart and soul had left his body long ago.
I was in love with a memory. And that just wasn't acceptable. Had to let go. I had become isolated from so many friends, and activities that I once enjoyed. The disease was consuming me, and I was in a fog. One day something just screamed in my ear "No More" and that was the end. No regrets.
I understand your situation is more challenging as you have kids to think of and provide for. That is all the more reason to get your family to a better place. You and the kids have endured enough. It is time to look to the future, build a new life that is not filled with manipulation, and the day to day hell that we all have lived.
Sending you positive thoughts and strength. Keep the faith, you and the kids deserve a second chance. Life without all the bullsh*t is simply amazing.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Sounds like my story. My XAH got drunk everyday with younger folks in the neighborhood, got a dui, went to jail, lost his job, refused treatment his job offered to pay for, came out in 3 days, grew pot in the house (teenagers in the house), never reached a bottom. I read here "let go or be dragged"- and "if you get between someone and their bottom they will land on you." SO GLAD you are in your own recovery in Alanon. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Living with an alcoholic is tough enough, but to be judged by "friends" and his counselor is really rough.
If you haven't heard those words from his counselor's mouth yourself, I would consider the source. If you have, I would venture that this person has not experienced alcoholism first hand, and may not have the training they need for this role.
As for the friends that think you are abandoning the alcoholic, they have no clue. None! And as such, don't let their words weigh on you. If necessary, detach from them too, especially if they make these comments around your kids.
It sounds like you are on the right path for you and your kids. Keep up with Alanon, and with this Site and your own counseling. One foot in front of this, one day at a time, you will get through this. Thinking kind thoughts your way.
If you haven't heard those words from his counselor's mouth yourself, I would consider the source. If you have, I would venture that this person has not experienced alcoholism first hand, and may not have the training they need for this role.
As for the friends that think you are abandoning the alcoholic, they have no clue. None! And as such, don't let their words weigh on you. If necessary, detach from them too, especially if they make these comments around your kids.
It sounds like you are on the right path for you and your kids. Keep up with Alanon, and with this Site and your own counseling. One foot in front of this, one day at a time, you will get through this. Thinking kind thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: in this vessel
Posts: 304
My mother divorced my father when he was 2 years sober. She gave him the house to boot. All his AA buddies moved in. That was the happiest times of my life but mostly because my parents were no longer together.
My parents were together for 15 years. Although my dad struggled with his loss of the marriage more than my mom, they both appeared more happy with their new lives than they were trying to keep their marriage together.
My mom always claimed that she left my dad when he was sober because he never would have lived if she had left him while he was drinking. I think she's full of **** and think she should have left sooner. Imagine the extra years of my childhood saved!
My parents were together for 15 years. Although my dad struggled with his loss of the marriage more than my mom, they both appeared more happy with their new lives than they were trying to keep their marriage together.
My mom always claimed that she left my dad when he was sober because he never would have lived if she had left him while he was drinking. I think she's full of **** and think she should have left sooner. Imagine the extra years of my childhood saved!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I truly love the man that I married, this person isn't that man. I long for that man back, but feel that may never happen. I am not a quitter, but I think reality, and reality for these children needs to take over.
His current counselor thinks that I am making the wrong decision, she said that he needs something to work toward, and it may save his life, so that he doesn't end up drinking himself to death.
Hasty?
Girl, you've been married 22 years, I don't think you're hasty. Even if the elevator of alcoholism went down to the hell floors just the past 2 years, it's been heading that way for a looooong time.
Don't worry about him; if he's interested in getting his life back on track, that's his business. In the meantime, you take care of you and those children. Because that's all you're responsible for.
Big hugs to you.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a really GREAT place with lots of Experience,
Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.
You are doing what is best for you and your children, please have no doubts about that.
I too wonder if you heard that from the counselor's mouth or was it relayed to you by your AH?
As to the others who keep 'harping' on you being too hasty ............................ well I heard that also, and I finally answered them with this:
"You can tell me that after you have lived with him for 6 months."
Then I would change the subject. If they persisted, I would put up my hand in a 'stop motion' and walk away.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes laugh. We will walk this journey with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.
You are doing what is best for you and your children, please have no doubts about that.
I too wonder if you heard that from the counselor's mouth or was it relayed to you by your AH?
As to the others who keep 'harping' on you being too hasty ............................ well I heard that also, and I finally answered them with this:
"You can tell me that after you have lived with him for 6 months."
Then I would change the subject. If they persisted, I would put up my hand in a 'stop motion' and walk away.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes laugh. We will walk this journey with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
As far as "those people who think you are abandoning him" they are clueless. Perhaps they would like the opportunity to "save him". Would love to see how long they would last on the rollercoaster. Endless days and nights filled with the anquish of what kind of fresh hell is today going to bring. Countless times of late for dinner, or late for an appointment as "I'm going to stop and have one beer and then I will be home" When they arrive you don't even want to go anywhere with them because they are already half in the bag.
Listening to the same daily rants and raves, Starting arguments for an excuse to drink. Repeating the same story over and over. (that would always send me into a tailspin)Gosh I could go on and on.
So the next time someone is so ignorant in their comments of abandonment tell them you will send him to there house
Listening to the same daily rants and raves, Starting arguments for an excuse to drink. Repeating the same story over and over. (that would always send me into a tailspin)Gosh I could go on and on.
So the next time someone is so ignorant in their comments of abandonment tell them you will send him to there house
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Would love to see how long they would last on the rollercoaster. Endless days and nights filled with the anquish of what kind of fresh hell is today going to bring. Countless times of late for dinner, or late for an appointment as "I'm going to stop and have one beer and then I will be home" When they arrive you don't even want to go anywhere with them because they are already half in the bag.
Thank God I did divorce the EXAH. Five years of hell was enough for me!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
His current counselor thinks that I am making the wrong decision, she said that he needs something to work toward, and it may save his life, so that he doesn't end up drinking himself to death.
In fact, I am copying that quote and using it in my next therapy session, so I can have my own wise and compassionate counselor help me internalize the wrongness of that statement, which I am certain he will. Not everyone believes that...in fact, most rational people with an understanding of the nature of addiction don't, I have found.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
I can't say it any better than those who have already commented. My husband was also a shell of the man I married. I filed after 27 years of marriage, too many of those years blamed for all that was wrong with his life. Coming up on one year after divorce was final, and life is peaceful. It's difficult to let him go, and I grieve for the dreams I had, but he still denies he has any problem at all and continues the downward spiral.
All you can do is save yourself and your kids and prevent further damage.
You know when you're done. There will be difficult days ahead, but he made the choice of alcohol over family. You are stronger than you know. Hugs and prayers from here.
All you can do is save yourself and your kids and prevent further damage.
You know when you're done. There will be difficult days ahead, but he made the choice of alcohol over family. You are stronger than you know. Hugs and prayers from here.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
The greatest gift the program has given me is to be able to stop looking outside myself for leadership. Sorting out what's most important to me, what my boundaries need to be, and then making it happen is like heaven on earth.
Even when others don't approve.
Even when others don't approve.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Freedomfighter, did you hear directly from the counselor or did you hear it from him?
My AW has been feeding me a similar line from her rehab program. I don't know what they said to her but I do know she only hears what she wants to hear or she would even just lie about it if she thought it would make a difference and let the booze and pill train keep on rolling.
Your friend,
His current counselor thinks that I am making the wrong decision, she said that he needs something to work toward, and it may save his life, so that he doesn't end up drinking himself to death.
My AW has been feeding me a similar line from her rehab program. I don't know what they said to her but I do know she only hears what she wants to hear or she would even just lie about it if she thought it would make a difference and let the booze and pill train keep on rolling.
Your friend,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
