Blogs


Notices

Broke NC - I knew I would

Old 07-22-2011, 07:13 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
hwsm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Broke NC - I knew I would

OK I knew I couldn't do it. I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow and I HAD to know.

He had a "friend" text me a few weeks ago, so I texted the "friend" so see how my XABF was doing. I haven't seen him in a month and wanted to know. I was hoping that the reason I didn't hear from him was because he was working on recovery. I know, I know. I still have the fantasy that losing me would make him "come to his senses". The ace in my back pocket was "if you loved me enough......you would quit" Boy am I dumb.

So I texted him - basically that I would always love him and I realized that I couldn't fix things between us, so I was working on fixing me instead. He replied:

"Do what u have to do baby. But I don't do alone well. Things are not getting better here on my end."

so.......

I borrowed this from Groomer because it was perfect.

"Whenever you are tired, and you have had enough, and you want to tell it all to me, I am here." Plus I added an I love you. I thought it sounded good.

This was his reply:

"If u are rite about me & I am that worthless, than maybe that day will come & u and everyone else can tell each other how right about me u all were. But I know u are trying - so thnx 4 that. I am getting ready to leave for a pool party. I will think about all u have said. I miss u. I love you"


Will it ever sink in? Yeah, that's what I waited all this time for. Just so I could sit around and high-five everyone that we were right about him. But hey, have fun at your pool party a$$h0le
hwsm is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to hwsm For This Useful Post:
Leise (07-22-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-23-2011)
Old 07-22-2011, 08:41 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
I have never gone NC, so I have no expierence to share. I just wanted to give you a (((((hug))))). Keep doing the best you can do. Take Care of yourself.

Amanda
AMANDA911 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to AMANDA911 For This Useful Post:
hwsm (07-23-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 12:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Babyblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I know it hurts but sometimes I think our disapointment in them is more about a sadness for not seeing the truth. Letting go of that fantasy we wanted. His reality punched you in the gut again so maybe that is why going NC was something you had to do.... To avoid just the hurt you are having.

Just try not to beat yourself up of torture yourself whether or not you contact him. Either way isn't easy when someone we love is drinking their life away.

I am with you on this, there is no easy way to feel the sadness unfortunately. You have to go through it to get to the other side. Then you will wonder why you allowed yourself to be in this situation.

I'm not there yet myself. There will be good days, strong days and then weaker ones. I really feel for you. Hang in there.
Babyblue is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Babyblue For This Useful Post:
bonami (07-23-2011), craven (07-25-2011), hwsm (07-23-2011), Linkmeister (07-23-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 04:33 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There aren't any magic words. It doesn't matter whose words you use. No matter how good they sound to us, all the alcoholic can see is the tiny confines of their world with alcohol. And they can't imagine it any different. He probably DOES love you (to the extent he can), but he can LIVE WITHOUT you more easily than he can live without alcohol.

The co-founders of AA discovered that the only words that sink in with an alcoholic are those of someone else who has been exactly where they are. And only when the the alcoholic is ready to hear them.

Hugs,
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (07-23-2011), bonami (07-23-2011), Carol Star (07-24-2011), hwsm (07-23-2011), Leise (07-23-2011), Linkmeister (07-23-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 04:59 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Anything that has caused me pain, I try to look for the lesson in it. My greatest growth comes during periods of pain.

Sending you hugs of support.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
hwsm (07-23-2011), Leise (07-23-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 09:15 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Blog Entries: 2
After many breaks of nc I finally reliazed it hurts me and one day I said- I am not going to do that to ME anymore. I think it was a devine intervention .
Carol Star is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Carol Star For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (07-23-2011), craven (07-25-2011), desertgirl (07-23-2011), Leise (07-23-2011), roxiestone (07-23-2011), StarCat (07-25-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 01:01 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
hwsm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by Leise View Post
Why is this so hard for us to accept?

Because we go into relationships honestly and with our whole hearts. We truly believe that if we do good things, be a good girlfriend and a good caretaker that we will get that returned to us by our partners.
Thank you. I was an awesome girlfriend to him. Even though it hurts, in a way it's made things easier to understand. I know that he is not pining away for me. I know he didn't choose to better his life in hopes of getting me back.

To him, I am not worth the sacrifice he would have to make. I know better. I know that I am worth way more than that.

But yes, I am mourning the loss of of man that I never really knew and a relationship that was never to be. It hurts. But I'm gonna be okay. I'm going to more meetings and reading everything I can get my hands on.

I lost weight in the last month stressing over him but now I am back to running everyday. That's MY time for me alone.

Just drove 10 hours to the beach with 2 teenage boys. I need a nap! Looking forward to running on the beach in the morning. And I will go watch the sunrise alone. I don't need him. I wanted him, but I don't need him.

Thank you for all your kind words - just your thoughts boost my spirits.

hwsm is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hwsm For This Useful Post:
bonami (07-23-2011), Leise (07-23-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 03:41 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,783
Enjoy the beach!! even if you get sad or nostalgic, let it be...

A trick I learned is to go "sadness if flowing through me at this time" instead of thinking "I am sad" (or angry or nostalgic or whatever). Helps to dettach from the feelings and get in touch with my deeper, wiser self...

You posted this at 613 PM? well, where I am its 5:36.
But I will say it anyway/

HAPPY 24 HOURS! Congratulations for Day 1 of No contact.

Ha, I went back so many times and every time I felt worse. I think its the "negotiation" phase. One foot infront of the other...

HUGS!!
TakingCharge999 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to TakingCharge999 For This Useful Post:
hwsm (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 03:47 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,783
Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
"Do what u have to do baby. But I don't do alone well. Things are not getting better here on my end."
On this side of the ring..we got... JEKYLL! oh poor him, so thirsty of affection and so humble...

Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
"If u are rite about me & I am that worthless, than maybe that day will come & u and everyone else can tell each other how right about me u all were. But I know u are trying - so thnx 4 that. I am getting ready to leave for a pool party. I will think about all u have said. I miss u. I love you"

And on... the same side of the ring..we got... MR HYDE! passive-agressive active alcoholic hanging around with drunks to keep on his denial and keep drowning whatever he doesn't want to see.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to TakingCharge999 For This Useful Post:
hwsm (07-23-2011), masuhanley (07-24-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 03:58 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,783
Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
To him, I am not worth the sacrifice he would have to make.
Its all a mirror game... what we see in others is just our own reflection.


Its not YOU hwsm, it could have been anyone...

He is not making the work at this time not because you are not worth it.

But because HE does not feel worthy of it.

And when he is ready (if ever) it won't have to do with whoever is unlucky enough to be around active alcoholism, either.

Its a personal journey...
TakingCharge999 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to TakingCharge999 For This Useful Post:
hwsm (07-23-2011)
Old 07-23-2011, 05:26 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
hwsm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
You posted this at 613 PM? well, where I am its 5:36.
But I will say it anyway/

HAPPY 24 HOURS! Congratulations for Day 1 of No contact.
Yep! Day 1 Here I go.......................

Thank you,

hwsm is offline  
Old 07-24-2011, 07:00 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
hwsm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Two days. Feeling better. Have my moments of weakness when I cry and feel sorry for myself. I'm angry that he wasn't the person I thought he was. I fell in love with someone who didn't really exist. Looking forward to attending another Al-Anon meeting and learning more.
hwsm is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hwsm For This Useful Post:
bonami (07-24-2011), Leise (07-24-2011), TakingCharge999 (07-25-2011)
Old 07-25-2011, 04:13 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,783
One step at a time!!!!

What helped me was to remember happy times in my life before I even met the guy. To remember I had been very happy without him, and I could be happy without him again. To remember my "need of him" is just an illusion.

it gets so much better, you'll see.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to TakingCharge999 For This Useful Post:
bonami (07-25-2011), hwsm (07-25-2011), Leise (07-25-2011), LexieCat (07-25-2011)
Old 07-25-2011, 01:56 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
Three days now? Hope you continue to feel better! NC is very difficult, I am going thru the opposite sort because my RA friend is not contacting me; today I am missing him a lot so am trying to focus on other, more positive things instead of letting myself think of reasons why he doesn't want to get in touch with me.

One very positive thing for me is to read that YOU are doing better, and I hope that you are enjoying your vacation and making some new and better memories with your son!
bonami is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to bonami For This Useful Post:
hwsm (07-25-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:25 AM.