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Opened the "wrong" piece of mail again....

Old 07-21-2011, 10:22 PM
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Opened the "wrong" piece of mail again....

Last month I got his bill in the mail. I did accidentally open it, was shocked to see he opened a new charge card that had a balance of $2100.

Pretty hefty amount, in a 1-1/2 months, especially when he pays now rent where he is living..And yes, he does have a job. I put a note in it, and apologized for opening it and requested that he change the mailing address.

Today, I get the same bill. This time was not an accident!! I was just plain axx snoopey..Another $600 in a month added onto the previous balance

But one charge was for $120...OMG! This is funny...The charge was to Match-x-com website. I was floored. He hated that kind of stuff. He use to run people down and call them losers, desperate people for signing up to those dating sites.

So snoopey old me. I sign up for an account under a false name and view his profile....

He list his interest as: Going to taverns & checking them out
He list his dis-likes as: Hate people who cause drama & blame me for their own crap in life

Shame on me for snooping, but yeah for me, today I got another reassurance of why I couldnt stay married anymore...

Honestly, it played with my head & my heart a bit. Made me feel sick to my stomach. (Thought)..."If I would of only called him when he was in rehab or answered his phone calls, maybe he wouldnt drink"....That went thru my head for a second!! Then I took a deep breath and pulled my thoughts back together...

So, opening the mail is kind of like playing with fire...

Had to share this funny story, maybe it should have listed under the QUACKING section...LMAO:rotfxko

(Taverns & Checking Them Out) :rotfxko
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Old 07-21-2011, 11:56 PM
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I don't mean to sound harsh when I say this, but opening someone elses mail is a big no no, federal offense and all that jazz. You two are not married anymore correct? If this credit card is his, and his alone, it's not your business anymore.

Second.. not your job to forward his mail either, if he's too damn lazy to change the address well, "return to sender", "doesn't live here anymore" "not at this address" and stick it back in the mail box, or return it to the post office. Sending it on to him with a little note is codie behavior hon.

I did this at first with my non alcoholic ex-assclown myself after my divorce for awhile.. so I'm guilty of this as well. I got some great advice from my abuse group.. basically it said.. it's not my problem, and it's not my responsibility. It isn't yours either.
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Old 07-22-2011, 03:42 AM
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Bobby J,

I was just plain axx snoopey.
.

Not healthy for you, now stop it! lol

He hated that kind of stuff. He use to run people down and call them losers, desperate people for signing up to those dating sites.
He is a desperate looser, so it will perfect for him

So snoopey old me. I sign up for an account under a false name and view his profile....
Again BobbyJ!!! Not healthy for you!

He list his interest as: Going to taverns & checking them out
He list his dis-likes as: Hate people who cause drama & blame me for their own crap in life
Hes going to find himself a real keeper with those 'likes and dislikes'!

Shame on me for snooping, but yeah for me, today I got another reassurance of why I couldnt stay married anymore...
Good for you BobbyJ - keep moving forward.

Had to share this funny story, maybe it should have listed under the QUACKING section...LMAO:rotfxko
I had a laugh too

(Taverns & Checking Them Out) :rotfxko
What a great hobby - perfect (for an alcoholic)
I had a laugh out loud moment for that piece of quacking.
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:31 AM
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Bobby,

I totally understand the urge to do that kinda stuff (have done it myself) but it always made me feel creepy and stalker-ish.

You will feel better if you leave his mail, his bills, and his dating life completely alone. Don't look. Seriously.
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:48 AM
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My ex is possibly more of a codie then I am and when we were seperated he opened my mail and I was sooooooo mad. Opening mail is a big crossing of boundaries issue for me.

To put a positive spin on things, use that information and move on in your recovery by letting go of what he is doing and what he is spending. It is no longer any of your business and you'll be more at peace when you can stop running after his pitiful life.

As I read here I see more and more that there is one gift of being a single parent of small children. I was simply to busy and overwhelmed to spend any time trying to figure out what he was doing. That is said in seriousness, not snarkyness.

Hope you have a good weekend. When I was newly divorced I would take a block of time (6hrs, one day) and conciously make myself think of something else every time my thoughts went to my xah. I would say "Thumper, go do xyz, talk to xyz, think about xyz, read..." Whatever. It worked to a) train myself not to think about him all the time and b) realize how much time I was thinking about him.
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Old 07-22-2011, 05:06 AM
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I can't edit anymore but I was still thinking about this and thought my previous post was kind of harsh. I wanted to add

ETA: When I realized how much time I was thinking about him I was actually way mad...at myself. What the heck!?! I kicked him out of my life for a reason - he was sucking me dry in every way imaginable. I needed to kick him out of my head too or I wasn't really getting anywhere. I do think it is normal to think a lot about a person you spent 16yrs with but there is thinking about once in awhile and obsessiing. I think I was obsessing a little bit. Not about what he was doing currently but just about the situation ya know? It was a relief to move past that.
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Old 07-22-2011, 06:42 AM
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I kicked my XABF out two weeks ago and I find myself obcessing constantly.

I finally told myslef " you kicked him out to gain control of your life and emotions, as long as you're obcessing over him, you might as well of stayed IN the relationship, because you're still giving him control"

Sometimes it works, now if I could just talk myself out of feeling so empty and so damn sad.....
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Old 07-22-2011, 06:42 AM
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I occasionally get the odd piece of mail for my youngest daughter (she did change her address when she moved out), and I set it aside to give it to her. I have no desire, nor does my conscience allow me to open it. Just my personal experience on the matter.
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Old 07-22-2011, 07:55 AM
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I can't help but laugh at the likes/dislikes. I can assure you there won't be hordes of woman rushing out to "wink" at him on that site. I mean it basically reads "I like to do nothing but drink and I don't like anyone giving me crap about it"

That said, you can forward his mail online at USPS.com. I know its not your responsibility...but to avoid temptation in the future, would be the quickest and easiest thing to do.

It's like slowing down to look at the train wreck...do you really want to imprint on your mind the dead bodies lying all around? Or would it be better to just drive on by as quickly as possible?
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Old 07-22-2011, 07:59 AM
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BobbyJ, why do you want to find out what you don't want to know?


Your friend,
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Old 07-22-2011, 08:12 AM
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BobbyJ I can only imagine how strong of an urge it is to do what you did. Not sure I could have passed on it either. Maybe you needed that ONE LAST reassurance that you made the right decisions. It sure looks like you got it. Make a promise to yourself that you will not do it again. In fact go delete your fake account. I agree with everyone else too... at least he is being somewhat honest in his likes and dislikes!
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Old 07-22-2011, 08:33 AM
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Lol I did the same thing. Signing up with a false account, just to see what his profile said. Just hurt my feelings all over again. Didn't make me feel any better. Just being nosy. We all do it at some point. You're not alone.

Once before, when I broke up with the XABF, he made a new profile on the same dating site that we actually met on and added me to his "favorites" list. He just wanted me to see his "new and improved" profile. I hadn't been on that site since we met and was surprised to get a notification from them. Even more suprised that it was from him. He later apologized and said he was just trying to hurt my feelings - no sh*t.
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Old 07-22-2011, 10:42 AM
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Ah, see, I figure if things get sent to MY house, it now becomes mine. So I don't blame you for opening it.

However, I'm pretty sure you can find better use of your time. You're really not the kind of person who concerns yourself with such things anymore. Right?
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Old 07-22-2011, 10:54 AM
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Another way to think about it is, how would you feel if he was snooping in your mail? That's a question I used to ask myself after my own divorce. I certainly didn't want him knowing my business.
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Old 07-22-2011, 11:04 AM
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"Going to Taverns and checking them out."

Are those 2 different likes or is he a multi-tasker?
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Old 07-22-2011, 12:29 PM
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Okay...I knew I was doing wrong and I knew I would get my rear end chewed out by some of you...LOL (thats okay, i deserve it)

And alot of mail can not be changed or forwarded, due to owning a business together and having 2 names on the account until they are paid off. That part sucks!

I have asked him to change the address on that one. He refuses or just lazy..

After this one, I have decided not open that bill again. It wasnt the best for me mentally and I know it wasnt any of my business, but I did it anyways...

Shame on me, for being a snoopey dog....I admitted it, time to move on...
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:06 PM
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Oh don't be so hard on yourself breaking all ties can be hard. You did follow through with divorcing the A so I say CONGRATS to YOU!!!

Eventually you will not give a SH$T what he is doing or how he is blowing his financial future.
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