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Is It Really Over

Old 07-21-2011, 01:54 PM
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Is It Really Over

As I laid in bed last night with my 1 year old boy to my right and my 3 year old girl to my left, tears started streaming from my eyes. My daughter reached over and said, “Mommy, you got water on your cheeks” and wiped my tears with her hand and my 1 year old sat up looked at me and gave me his blankie. They are precious. Good thing, they won't remember any of this when they are older.

My AH and I are separated for about 2 weeks now. I’m living at our home while he’s staying with his parents. There is a no contact in place against him due to a domestic call which led up to this separation so we have not talked other than the kid’s schedule through a 3rd party. I was able to keep it together until last night. After the kids fell asleep, I got some alone time and cried some more. I miss having him around but I didn’t miss all the mess that came with it. Was I possibly crying because I know we could never go back to what we were?
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:06 PM
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Dear loveurself,

It is a normal reaction to feel sadness and loss and grief over situations such as this. Don't feel bad about feeling bad - it is to be expected. Be strong when you need to be - like when protecting yourself and your kids - and expect that you will process this loss. Even with all the bad stuff, there is, at minimum, the loss of the dreams and expectations that you once had for this man and for the relationship. Take good care of yourself. Go to al-anon and continue to look out for the best interests of yourself and your children.

I am so sorry you are in pain right now.
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by loveurself View Post
Was I possibly crying because I know we could never go back to what we were?
That's a very plausible explanation.

I suppose my reasons for so many tears through our situation was that I was mourning 'what could have been' really more than what was. We have a grieving process as humans.

I also noticed you had been grateful your children won't remember this. I know they're young, but it is entirely probable they will remember this on some level. When you're gentle with yourself, they will learn to mimic your self-care. That will be very very good for them.
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:08 PM
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Oh I feel for you sweetie because addiction sucks and you probably know it could be over. I finally reached the "It's Over" this past January. It took me a long time to get to that point. I kept hoping and praying he would get help. It did not happen and now after 25 years, it is over. Let the tears flow because it does help and keep posting here. I cried many of nights and looking back now, I realize that is part of the process. Be gentle with yourself and focus on those beautiful innocent children and YOU. Try not to focus on him. He made his choices and he is a grown man.

HUGS TO YOU
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:32 PM
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You really aren't alone. I'm just a week into my break-up. I only left my bedroom today and did some much needed housework. My friend dragged me out for the evening and I only just managed to hold back the tears but it was so hard. Sometimes I feel strong and at others all I can think about are the lost hopes and dreams. I know it was never going to get better but I still long to hear from him. My ABF is very angry with me and he isn't going to get in touch and that is very much a good thing, I know. Like me I hope you know that time will heal this and there is something better out there once we let it all go. Being with him was one long heartache whereas I feel this is more intense but it will ease. I'm thinking of you. x
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Old 07-21-2011, 02:44 PM
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I am nearly right where you are. I finally told my husband it was over. We haven't physically split yet, but i will definitely be crying and mourning the relationship in the near future. Right now let yourself grieve so that you can be strong when you need to be. It will get better.
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Old 07-21-2011, 04:46 PM
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Hugs to you. You are so very strong. I cried for months and I was not even married nor had kids! It is ok to cry, a spiritual leader advice for me was to feel compassion for myself when crying and to talk to myself lovingly. So yesterday I kind of felt bad (and missed the good XABF for some reason) and cried a little and thought "Dear TC999, of course this hurts... get the pain out of your system, you are brave for facing your feelings, life has so many wonderful people in store for you... you deserve beauty and laughter and good times and people who value all you are..."

It causes discomfort because I am not used to support myself.

It felt different than just crying and feeling bad and sorry for myself. It helps, when you tell yourself what you need, and become a friend.

Although you are hurting I am glad the kids have you, of course I have no children but in my views its ok for children to see you cry, they are learning from you that instead of avoiding feelings the way to go is to face them without distractions. That is an invaluable lesson. Well, I say this because neither my dad, nor my mom nor my sister cried infront of me (or anyone) EVER and I wish we felt safe to do so. Just now my mom starts to open up to me but only when the pain is too great..


I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts so your feelings are released and you can find peace very soon.
This is how our psyche is wired, there are stages, its a process, in the end there is peace and acceptance; you'll get there...
Hugs! again, you are very strong.
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Old 07-21-2011, 07:01 PM
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hugs to you, loveurself
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Old 07-22-2011, 05:34 PM
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my daughter remembers...

...and because I was weak, selfish, and thought i could control the situation and "go back to what we were," I let my drunken wife continue to live with us and my daughter got to remember even more.

Now, at 15, she's pacing being a drunk just like her mother was. She's experimented with pot and alcohol (and may still be), she cuts, she has bad friends who make bad decisions, she's self-destructive and she's promiscuous.

That's what I got for not wanting to be lonely. That's what I got for being an enabler. That's what I got for being in denial about reality.

What do you want for your kids?

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by loveurself View Post
As I laid in bed last night with my 1 year old boy to my right and my 3 year old girl to my left, tears started streaming from my eyes. My daughter reached over and said, “Mommy, you got water on your cheeks” and wiped my tears with her hand and my 1 year old sat up looked at me and gave me his blankie. They are precious. Good thing, they won't remember any of this when they are older.

My AH and I are separated for about 2 weeks now. I’m living at our home while he’s staying with his parents. There is a no contact in place against him due to a domestic call which led up to this separation so we have not talked other than the kid’s schedule through a 3rd party. I was able to keep it together until last night. After the kids fell asleep, I got some alone time and cried some more. I miss having him around but I didn’t miss all the mess that came with it. Was I possibly crying because I know we could never go back to what we were?
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Old 07-23-2011, 06:44 PM
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I can totally relate to looking at my two little babies and crying...knowing that they are such a blessing...and that even though it is hard, I am doing what is right for them. It has taken me a LONG, LONG time to let go of my marriage...I've fought with myself, my morals, and my beliefs....but now I realize that to do what is right for myself and my kids..I must move on. I read on here a few minutes ago something that really helps me, that is something like - loving what someone could be, or th epotential of what they could be, is not a marriage. This exact idea really helps me cope with what I had to do! Good luck to you...hang in there....
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Old 07-23-2011, 08:43 PM
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I had many nights crying and holding my babies (who are 2.5 years apart) while my addicted ex either didn't come home, or he raged downstairs while we lay upstairs trying to sleep and ignore him. I waited until my kids were 6 and 4 to file for divorce, and we lived together for almost a year while the divorce was finalized. It was awful. My kids mourn the loss of living with their dad, and having a broken family, and they miss living in the "normal" house we lived in then but they are realizing now why I had to leave, they see how their dad makes promises and doesn't keep them, how he gets mad at them so easily, etc.

I didn't mourn what we had, because we didn't ever have it. But I mourned the loss of the dream, of what we were SUPPOSED to have, the happy life we COULD have had together, but didn't. We had everything in the world you could want, a nice house with a huge yard and a pool, two beautiful kids, he had a good job... on paper, it probably looked good. But in reality, it was a living hell for much of it.

I'm so sorry. Do you go to al-anon? That helped me so much with handling the end of my marriage and the ensuing grief.
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Old 07-23-2011, 09:52 PM
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Or maybe you cried because you were afraid of where to go next? Because alcoholism keeps both the A and the family busy, busy, busy.

And all of a sudden, freedom says you can go wherever you want, but it'll be one heckufanuphill for starters.

Trust me, it's worth it. It's been a year since I was where you were. I just took new passport pictures, and I look ten years younger and 100 times happier than I did a year ago.

Lots of love to you and the kiddos. You'll get through it.
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Old 07-24-2011, 07:11 PM
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It's a strange and terrible journey, whether we stay with a recovering alcoholic, or go our own way.

When I picked up the car this morning, I cried in the parking lot, thinking about things that will never happen again. Then, when I got back from my errands, his alcoholic buddy was there.

All those cliches are true. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm out, I've got my kids safe at last, and I'm learning to talk to myself better. He's ... getting drunk.

Please keep posting, there's a lot of shared experience here.

- Sylvie
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