so down, don't know what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1
so down, don't know what to do
I’ve been on here before….mostly just reading. My AH doesn’t drink all the time…just when he doesn’t get what he wants or something doesn’t go his way….or it’s a weekend….or he’s happy…You know how it is.
At least once a week he gets completely wasted.
This morning he was still drunk from last night. Right now he is mad at work. Something he ultimately caused but still, he does a good job at work.
This morning I asked him to not send the email he was writing to his boss and he became angry at me telling me he hates me and telling my 7 year old daughter we’re getting divorced.
I’m so lost… Even once a week is this worth it? I can’t believe he said those things to our daughter. What do I do? He has hurt me emotionally enough when he pulls this crap…I can’t believe my daughter had to hear this…I can’t believe I let her.
At least once a week he gets completely wasted.
This morning he was still drunk from last night. Right now he is mad at work. Something he ultimately caused but still, he does a good job at work.
This morning I asked him to not send the email he was writing to his boss and he became angry at me telling me he hates me and telling my 7 year old daughter we’re getting divorced.
I’m so lost… Even once a week is this worth it? I can’t believe he said those things to our daughter. What do I do? He has hurt me emotionally enough when he pulls this crap…I can’t believe my daughter had to hear this…I can’t believe I let her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Welcome 2blv2wn to SR.
Please read as much as you can on this site it really helps and especially the threads on the home page. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon? It really is a great place to get support. I'm afraid there are a lot of us going through what you're going through we're here to help.
Please read as much as you can on this site it really helps and especially the threads on the home page. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon? It really is a great place to get support. I'm afraid there are a lot of us going through what you're going through we're here to help.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the suggestion that you try Al-Anon. It was a lifesaver for me.
How you deal with your husband is one issue, but it's time for you to take some action to protect your daughter. For him to say those things to her is abuse, and it is going to create horrible memories for her.
Al-Anon can help you clear your thinking so you can make good choices for yourself and your child.
How you deal with your husband is one issue, but it's time for you to take some action to protect your daughter. For him to say those things to her is abuse, and it is going to create horrible memories for her.
Al-Anon can help you clear your thinking so you can make good choices for yourself and your child.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
Sounds familiar...like my AH who told our kids hes going to sell our house and put it on the market the next day, or when he told them they can come visit them at his new house when he gets it....ugh! It's just the booze talking. The next day, I always get the "Oh, you know I didn't mean that!" I've grown tired of it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi 2blv2wn and welcome to SR, glad you felt able to post,
Firstly, I agree with LexieCat - its abusive - pure and simple. It appears your husband has crossed a line that no one should cross over, especially with a child. It is extremely inappropriate to tell a 7 yr old that he is going to divorce you. If hes done it once, then it will happen again, unless he recognizes in himself that he took things too far. Once can be forgiven but don't let it become a pattern for your daughters sake.
I allowed my AH of 23yrs to verbally abuse me from when we first met and I never stood up to him. I used to blame it on the drinking and tell myself that he was only saying these things because of the beer and he didn't mean them. I am one of those, through therapy who have come to believe that Alcoholism and abuse are two very separate issues. Not all drinkers, verbally abuse, some are happy drinkers, some are sleepy, some dopey - the whole 7 dwarfs! A man abuses because his core values and beliefs don't tell him that it is not OK to do that. If your husband has very good core values and beliefs he will be feeling tremendously guilty and sheepish about his inappropriate conversation, he will make sincere apologies and learn to keep his thoughts to himself - drunk or not.
One thing that I did when I started to believe that abuse and alcoholism was two separate issues was 'call' my husband on his behavior. If he started to say inappropriate things to me, I would say 'stop' I do not have to listen to that and my therapist taught me to raise my hand in the stop sign. The first few times I tried this tact, my AH looked at me in surprise and shock and then the verbal abuse eventually became non existent. I had stood up for myself about what was acceptable to me and what wasn't.
During the number of times that my AH and I have separated or been sleeping in separate bedrooms, he has always had the 'talk' with my DD's about us separating and how he would always be there for them. He recently did this in an email following our recent separation 7 weeks ago. A couple of weeks later my daughter asked for a financial hand to pay for some petrol and he told her to go and get an overdraft. Both my girls know that all of what he says is just for show to make him sound like a good parent when he doesn't actually follow through.
He also talked about our lack of sex life in front of my DD who was 19yrs at the time - again totally inappropriate.
It was when I mentioned to my therapist about how upset it makes me feel when he is bullying, putting them down or verbally abusing our daughters and she said 'of course, that's because they are so important to you but you are important too' Thats when I really understood that I was important and didn't have to put up with it.
Sorry, I have rambled on!! What do you do?
Try saying 'stop, that is an inappropriate thing for you to say and I will not listen to you' and walk away. To be honest, he will either get it (and change) or he wont get it at all and tell you that your making too much of it and you are too sensitive. If he goes down this route, then you will need to protect yourself and your daughter because abusers rarely change their spots, not without a lot of therapy. It is also very easy to 'put up' with this nonsense and allow it to seep into your life - like me.
Do try Al-anon, read some books, research, read some more, keep coming to SR and posting. Look after yourself and your daughter.
Firstly, I agree with LexieCat - its abusive - pure and simple. It appears your husband has crossed a line that no one should cross over, especially with a child. It is extremely inappropriate to tell a 7 yr old that he is going to divorce you. If hes done it once, then it will happen again, unless he recognizes in himself that he took things too far. Once can be forgiven but don't let it become a pattern for your daughters sake.
I allowed my AH of 23yrs to verbally abuse me from when we first met and I never stood up to him. I used to blame it on the drinking and tell myself that he was only saying these things because of the beer and he didn't mean them. I am one of those, through therapy who have come to believe that Alcoholism and abuse are two very separate issues. Not all drinkers, verbally abuse, some are happy drinkers, some are sleepy, some dopey - the whole 7 dwarfs! A man abuses because his core values and beliefs don't tell him that it is not OK to do that. If your husband has very good core values and beliefs he will be feeling tremendously guilty and sheepish about his inappropriate conversation, he will make sincere apologies and learn to keep his thoughts to himself - drunk or not.
One thing that I did when I started to believe that abuse and alcoholism was two separate issues was 'call' my husband on his behavior. If he started to say inappropriate things to me, I would say 'stop' I do not have to listen to that and my therapist taught me to raise my hand in the stop sign. The first few times I tried this tact, my AH looked at me in surprise and shock and then the verbal abuse eventually became non existent. I had stood up for myself about what was acceptable to me and what wasn't.
During the number of times that my AH and I have separated or been sleeping in separate bedrooms, he has always had the 'talk' with my DD's about us separating and how he would always be there for them. He recently did this in an email following our recent separation 7 weeks ago. A couple of weeks later my daughter asked for a financial hand to pay for some petrol and he told her to go and get an overdraft. Both my girls know that all of what he says is just for show to make him sound like a good parent when he doesn't actually follow through.
He also talked about our lack of sex life in front of my DD who was 19yrs at the time - again totally inappropriate.
It was when I mentioned to my therapist about how upset it makes me feel when he is bullying, putting them down or verbally abusing our daughters and she said 'of course, that's because they are so important to you but you are important too' Thats when I really understood that I was important and didn't have to put up with it.
Sorry, I have rambled on!! What do you do?
Try saying 'stop, that is an inappropriate thing for you to say and I will not listen to you' and walk away. To be honest, he will either get it (and change) or he wont get it at all and tell you that your making too much of it and you are too sensitive. If he goes down this route, then you will need to protect yourself and your daughter because abusers rarely change their spots, not without a lot of therapy. It is also very easy to 'put up' with this nonsense and allow it to seep into your life - like me.
Do try Al-anon, read some books, research, read some more, keep coming to SR and posting. Look after yourself and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
I am so sorry you're going through this. Al-anon was also a lifesaver for me. It took a while for me to realize that, my first meetings were spent resenting the time I had to be there because my ex-husband had addiction issues. He was also verbally abusive. Al-anon helped me to learn how to not accept unacceptable behavior.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 17
I'm new here also -- have some of the same struggles. I know for me, personally, leaving my partner isn't a choice I will initiate right now -- I'm believing there is help and something better.
In my case, everyone/everything drives him to drink -- there is almost no personal responsibility. Ever. It's also a convenient excuse to say terrible, terrible things and act in ways people shouldn't act, and then offer the "I'd never do that if I wasn't drinking" excuse -- um, yeah. That's kind of the whole point!
Whatever things are like now, they don't have to stay the same. You can make new choices that will determine YOUR happiness, and YOUR sanity. You can't do a thing to control your AH.
In my case, everyone/everything drives him to drink -- there is almost no personal responsibility. Ever. It's also a convenient excuse to say terrible, terrible things and act in ways people shouldn't act, and then offer the "I'd never do that if I wasn't drinking" excuse -- um, yeah. That's kind of the whole point!
Whatever things are like now, they don't have to stay the same. You can make new choices that will determine YOUR happiness, and YOUR sanity. You can't do a thing to control your AH.
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