Not sure what to say or where to begin...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: washington
Posts: 6
Not sure what to say or where to begin...
Hello everyone, first off im new here & im glad i found this forum. This is gonna be kinda long so bear with me.
Im writing this looking for some insight & advice from people who have experience in a situation similar to mine.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic, during the week days he hangs out with friends and gets drunk. SOme weeks he does it a few nights a week some weeks just once or twice. It gets bad at times where he is drunk for HOURS i mean from 5pm one day till 7am the next... He is not a mean or abusive drunk so it has never really bothered me. The thing is, he just got out of jail 3 months ago after being gone a year, so I havent been dealing with this problem all that long.
The thing is, he doesnt have a job or any responsibilities right now cus he doesnt work at this moment. He is looking for work but its hard with his criminal record. He is very smart with a good head on his shoulders all in all. I havent really talked to him about his alcohol issues yet because ive just started to realize it myself. He is going to be attending AA meetings that are mandatory for a program he is in, and im hoping these will open his eyes a little. I also have hope that once he gets on his feet and finds a full time job this drinking business will lessen. He pretty much only drinks when he is with his friends not very much when its just me and him hanging out. So again im hoping once he has a job he will be seeing less of his friends and be drinking less. What do you all think? I love this man more than anything, & ive been thru it all with him. & I dont plan on leaving or giving up without a fight. Sorry this post is all over the place & long. thanks for any advice.
Im writing this looking for some insight & advice from people who have experience in a situation similar to mine.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic, during the week days he hangs out with friends and gets drunk. SOme weeks he does it a few nights a week some weeks just once or twice. It gets bad at times where he is drunk for HOURS i mean from 5pm one day till 7am the next... He is not a mean or abusive drunk so it has never really bothered me. The thing is, he just got out of jail 3 months ago after being gone a year, so I havent been dealing with this problem all that long.
The thing is, he doesnt have a job or any responsibilities right now cus he doesnt work at this moment. He is looking for work but its hard with his criminal record. He is very smart with a good head on his shoulders all in all. I havent really talked to him about his alcohol issues yet because ive just started to realize it myself. He is going to be attending AA meetings that are mandatory for a program he is in, and im hoping these will open his eyes a little. I also have hope that once he gets on his feet and finds a full time job this drinking business will lessen. He pretty much only drinks when he is with his friends not very much when its just me and him hanging out. So again im hoping once he has a job he will be seeing less of his friends and be drinking less. What do you all think? I love this man more than anything, & ive been thru it all with him. & I dont plan on leaving or giving up without a fight. Sorry this post is all over the place & long. thanks for any advice.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You are in the right place.
You aren't alone.
One of the important things I learned here are the three C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
His drinking isn't going to change unless he decides he wants that to happen. (Sure, he may do it short term for the government, or you, or a job, but overall it has to be something that he wants to change permanently before anything will truly change.)
Have you looking into any resources for yourself, to help you? His drinking is his problem, but because you're here I am guessing that it's becoming a problem for you, as well. There are options, one of the most popular being Al-Anon:
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
The recommendation is to attend six meetings, some different (and some beginner's meetings) to decide if Al-Anon is helpful for you.
This forum is also a great resource.
You're not crazy, and you're not alone.
We understand. We've been there, too.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome, and I agree with StarCat. Look into going to al-anon and working on yourself.
Assuming your boyfriend is an alcoholic you should realize that this is a progressive disease. If he doesn't get into recovery, because he wants to, this is the BEST it is going to be. It will continue to go downhill form here.
Educate yourself about what this disease can lead to and the effects it has on the alcoholic and their partners. Trust me, I spent 15 years with an active alcoholic and it is not something that I would wish on anyone.
Come here often, we are here to help.
Assuming your boyfriend is an alcoholic you should realize that this is a progressive disease. If he doesn't get into recovery, because he wants to, this is the BEST it is going to be. It will continue to go downhill form here.
Educate yourself about what this disease can lead to and the effects it has on the alcoholic and their partners. Trust me, I spent 15 years with an active alcoholic and it is not something that I would wish on anyone.
Come here often, we are here to help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: washington
Posts: 6
I appreciate everyones comments and advice. I dont know if this is normal, but im feelin very defensive. Maybe im not ready to deal with this with support of outsiders. Everything "Anvilhead" listed I feel the need to defend but I dont want to do that cus it makes me seem like im in denial. I just dont think im ready for opinions of people who havent heard everything from beginning to end. I'm not writing this with any negitive feeling towards any one. Is this normal? or am i in denial or what?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Maybe just slow down, take a break, and read around a bit if you've landed outside your comfort zone - it's an awful lot to come to terms with the world of addiction and the ramifications.
The "sticky" posts at the top of the list of topics for this forum are a great place to start, particularly the classic reading ones!
CLMI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: washington
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
Maybe just slow down, take a break, and read around a bit if you've landed outside your comfort zone - it's an awful lot to come to terms with the world of addiction and the ramifications.
The "sticky" posts at the top of the list of topics for this forum are a great place to start, particularly the classic reading ones!
CLMI
Thank you! I think ill do just that =)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What Anvil is trying to say is that he doesn't seem to be interested in doing the one essential thing that will enable him to be a productive human being and a good partner: deal with his alcoholism.
What she is suggesting is that you might want to consider why you think you will have a good future with him under these circumstances.
You might want to start off by educating yourself a bit about alcoholism. A good place to begin is with a book called "Under the Influence"--you can read excerpts of it here. Alcohlism is always progressive (it gets worse, not better) and often fatal.
Al-Anon is a great resource for helping you to get strong enough to make good decisions for YOURSELF.
I'm guessing that he's on parole, too, and drinking is probably a big no-no....
What she is suggesting is that you might want to consider why you think you will have a good future with him under these circumstances.
You might want to start off by educating yourself a bit about alcoholism. A good place to begin is with a book called "Under the Influence"--you can read excerpts of it here. Alcohlism is always progressive (it gets worse, not better) and often fatal.
Al-Anon is a great resource for helping you to get strong enough to make good decisions for YOURSELF.
I'm guessing that he's on parole, too, and drinking is probably a big no-no....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: washington
Posts: 6
He is not on parole, if he was i wouldnt be with him cus that oviously wouldnt work out. he actually just informed me that he got a job today. Its a 4 month temp job but its something! so that some good news. I am determined to hang on cus this is all very new since he just got out recently. Im not giving up 3 months in & he has only been acting like this in the past month... He wasnt drinking like this before he went in so im assuming all the stress & pressure of being fresh out is getting to him. For now i will see how things go in the next few months as we get settled into our own life (getting a place, new jobs, school... etc) if things seem to be staying the same despite moving away from his friend & working all the time I guess i will have to take a few steps back. Thanks for teh support & advice. I know where to come when i need it now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Lexi meant ACTIVE alcoholism is progressive and always gets worse.
The progression can be arrested by total abstinence and a strong recovery program, IF the alcoholic is willing to do whatever it takes for recovery.
CLMI
The progression can be arrested by total abstinence and a strong recovery program, IF the alcoholic is willing to do whatever it takes for recovery.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hello Loyalty,
Some of us have a different tone than others, but we do mean well. We sometimes say something because you may not have thought about it in that way before.
Many of us have seen so many addicts come through the doors of our lives....it gets to be very predictable. For you, this is brand new.
I do hope you're not living together. Just out and a steady girlfriend is movin kinda fast I think.
Please, please come to this board often, and read and post whenever you like.
There truly is a ton of support.
And.....you're anonymous
Some of us have a different tone than others, but we do mean well. We sometimes say something because you may not have thought about it in that way before.
Many of us have seen so many addicts come through the doors of our lives....it gets to be very predictable. For you, this is brand new.
I do hope you're not living together. Just out and a steady girlfriend is movin kinda fast I think.
Please, please come to this board often, and read and post whenever you like.
There truly is a ton of support.
And.....you're anonymous
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Loyality828, (((hugs)))
In my case what your post brought up was 15 years of denial that I had that my wife was an alcoholic. I always had an excuse or defense or cover up to protect her from the consequences of her actions. It almost cost me my relationship with my daughters and grandchildren. I am starting to be comfortable in my recovery now but I went through so much pain when I was living with her and the situation kept getting worse.
Just think of us as experienced sailors who are telling you that you may be heading into the part of the ocean where the map says "Here be monsters". We know because we have all sailed there.
Your friend,
In my case what your post brought up was 15 years of denial that I had that my wife was an alcoholic. I always had an excuse or defense or cover up to protect her from the consequences of her actions. It almost cost me my relationship with my daughters and grandchildren. I am starting to be comfortable in my recovery now but I went through so much pain when I was living with her and the situation kept getting worse.
Just think of us as experienced sailors who are telling you that you may be heading into the part of the ocean where the map says "Here be monsters". We know because we have all sailed there.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by m1k3
...Just think of us as experienced sailors who are telling you that you may be heading into the part of the ocean where the map says "Here be monsters". We know because we have all sailed there...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Loyalty828 and welcome,
One of the first bts of literature that I ever read at Al-anon was about what brought you to here (to al-anon) and how many of us go down that path looking for answers. We are waiting for people with experience of alcoholism to say 'this is how I sorted my alcoholic out' or 'this is how I got mine sober'. Unfortunately this is not what we hear and it can be quite devistating to hear others saying 'nothing you can do but look after yourself'. That takes a lot of time to get your head around but is a very important step.
Sometimes, on SR we forget that there are newcomers who havent even got to this stage yet and we jump ahead, just assuming that you know that already. I know that I felt the same when I first arrived on SR. As others have said, please take your time to digest the 3'c's and also al-anons first step which is 'admit that my life has become unmanageable'.
Keep reading, keep learning and keep coming back. SR is a great place to make your own life more manageable whichever way you decide to go.
One of the first bts of literature that I ever read at Al-anon was about what brought you to here (to al-anon) and how many of us go down that path looking for answers. We are waiting for people with experience of alcoholism to say 'this is how I sorted my alcoholic out' or 'this is how I got mine sober'. Unfortunately this is not what we hear and it can be quite devistating to hear others saying 'nothing you can do but look after yourself'. That takes a lot of time to get your head around but is a very important step.
Sometimes, on SR we forget that there are newcomers who havent even got to this stage yet and we jump ahead, just assuming that you know that already. I know that I felt the same when I first arrived on SR. As others have said, please take your time to digest the 3'c's and also al-anons first step which is 'admit that my life has become unmanageable'.
Keep reading, keep learning and keep coming back. SR is a great place to make your own life more manageable whichever way you decide to go.
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