fedup3

My father was an alcoholic and it caused a lot of fights and chaos in our house. My mother was always telling us kids that she was going to divorce him but she never did. He died instead not by alcohol but by cancer. When I was young I thought we were the most normal family around until I got older and looked back on those years with opened eyes.

My kids are now adults who don't speak to their dad and won't unless he seeks recovery which is very unlikely. I have a great relationship with them and have asked their forgiveness for allowing them to grow up in such an atmosphere. My daughter just recently told me that her and her brother have made an agreement that if either one of them see any signs of alcoholism in the other they would call them on it. Now, that makes me happy.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I totally disagree because the kids always know. I know mine did even though I tried so hard to protect them from all the craziness. Just my 2 cents.

MsPINKAcres

In my opinion~ even the grandkids KNOW!

Most of you know me & my story ~ I left my exah in 2008 ~ at that time we had 7 grandchildren -

Our 5 yr old granddaughter asked me "ReeRee are you going to move back to your new house with PaPa?"
I said "No Honey, I'm not. ReeRee is going to live in this apartment right now."
She said "Oh I like the new house better, but I know why you moved"
I said "you do, why do you think ReeRee moved honey?"
"Cause PaPa's sick and won't go get better - I remember when PaPa was better - he's not better now is he? When will he get better? I miss him"

Even an innocent 5 year old who only spent part of her time with us could tell when he relapsed -

He got sober shortly after she was born - he officially relapsed in Jan 2006 (the slow decline started about 6 months before then)

But she knew something wasn't right with her PaPa.

That had to be one of the saddest conversations I have ever had about him.

I truly hate this disease.

TeM

My daughter knew that something wasn't right. AW started what I would call her "problem drinking" when Daughter was about 15. I knew AW was an alcoholic by then, but Daughter would kind of giggle with embarrassment and say "Mom's sleepy".

After AW fell a few times, daughter kind of figured it out, and we talked about it. She still wont' admit that AW is an alcoholic, though. I suppose that denial gives her a little bit of comfort.

dollydo

This is one by product of codependency that always amazes me, the thought that the children do not know, and that the disease will not affect them.

Another by product is to think having more children will fix the problem, that it will make the addict more responsible. All that is accomplished is to add more innocent victims to the mix.

Both of these by products make me shake my head and sit in wonderment. Maybe, it's just me, however, I just don't get it.

lillamy

Dolly, I did both of those things.
I recently reread my journals from being a newlywed.
I knew I had married an alcoholic.
But he would change once we had a child.
And surely, when that didn't happen, more responsibility would make him more responsible, right?
And surely, the children need their father, right or wrong, right?

There are days when, when I consider the damage I did to my children by not leaving earlier, I lose my will to live. But of course, I have the rest of my life to make it up to them. To build them up and help them grow the wings whose growth was stunted all those years.

dollydo

Lillamy,

I agree, tomorrows a new day, a new opportunity for change.

My quandry is a throw back to my childhood, living with two alcoholics. I have a half brother that was born when I was 11, I basically raised him. He is a good guy, has no addiction problems, but, like me, is still working to forget and forgive the past. It is an on going process, made more difficult due to my mother still being alive and drinking at age 85.

wellnowwhat

Thank you Rayn3dr0p for your post.

As I read it I wondered if anyone who has experienced living with alcoholism can ever know what it is like to live a "normal" life that includes alcohol but not alcohol abuse? (not referring to your posting specifically, it just prompted this thought)

I know that because of my experience with my AH I tend to rush into wondering if other people in my life are alcoholic.

And now, in my memories where alcohol existed, the alcohol has become a main factor. My memories have changed because the way I look back is from a different viewpoint.

I am probably not explaining myself well but what I mean is if you took an event (that doesn't even include my AH) where alcohol was available, no alcohol-based drama took place, and took out the fact of me experiencing my AH's alcoholism, would I remember that event differently and would the alcohol even be a factor in this different memory?

The closest thing I can think is seeing a movie I remember as entertaining before AH has this problem and seeing the same movie afterwards and feeling revulsion.

I know that because of my experience I am now very, very rarely have a drink and I wonder what it would be like to enjoy the occasional drink or glass of wine without feeling guilty or nervous.

I hate what alcohol is doing to my husband, his addiction to it, the cost to our family etc. and I just cannot see, if indeed it is possible, for anyone to have a healthy life that includes alcohol. I am sure some people can do it, but everything I see now is through my new "alco-vision" lenses.

Sorry, I am thinking out loud and non too clearly here. and off-topic.