Setting boundaries, hurting
 

My boyfriend and I finally had a chance to speak about what happened on July 4th (he got drunk at his family BBQ and ultimately yelled at me in front of my kids as I was leaving).

We didn't break up, but I did tell him that I have no intention of planning a future with him. He makes excuses for his drinking, and tells me "BUT, I love YOU SO MUCH. If I was coming home to YOU, I KNOW I wouldn't drink like this..." quackity quack quack. Yeah, exactly.

He is very apologetic and knows his behavior was completely unacceptable. But he doesn't feel like he can do a 12 step, he wants to try to make adjustments on his own.

So in the meantime, I have made it clear that we have no future to plan together, that things are the way they are. But I added something. He's been wanting to get his kids and my kids together. They met briefly, at a town fair, but that's it. I told him that our kids have been through enough with our divorces and since we don't have a future together, I don't want to make this harder on them, so we don't let our kids hang out together on the 2 weekends a month he has them.

And it hurts. We've been together over a year, this would be the natural progression.... but now that I've set that boundary about he and I not having a future together, I feel like I am responsible to keep the kids out of it. We can enjoy our time together on the weekends that ex has my kids and he doesn't have his kids but otherwise, on our "kid-full weekends" we continue to be apart.

We had talked for a long time about bringing our kids together, and even though I'm the one setting down the boundary and I know how much this hurts him, because he still has hope that maybe we'd get married one day.... it still hurts me so much, too. :(

I am detaching. Slowly but surely, in my own time, I'm detaching.

Hugs to you mizserenity, you sound like an amazing person. I can appreciate and respect your decision to protect the kids. Way to go.!!!

You are not alone. Hope you find some peace and comfort in the days ahead. Hang in there, I think you are doing the right thing.

(((hugs))) to you for making this decision now, before it has a chance to cause a lot more hurt. I know I hate what my kids are exposed to when AH drinks, and I'm only now starting to be able to set boundaries when he's being verbally abusive. The driving thoughts I try to keep in my mind whenever he gets like that is, "Is this what I want my son to think is an acceptable way to treat his wife?" and, "Do I want my daughter to settle for this?" The strength has been in realizing that dysfunction is multi-generational, and I really want to break the cycle for my kids.

This is exactly why I divorced my husband, he was verbally abusive and so incredibly disrespectful, among dozens of other unacceptable things.

My boyfriend is different, he is kind and loving and thoughtful. He's been wonderful with my kids. But still... once I opened my eyes to the fact that he's more than a "social drinker" I can't close them again. I've been going to al-anon weekly and sticking to my program and keeping the focus on myself. But I am still sad... and working on "accepting" that this is the reality instead of blindly going forward and getting myself into another mess. So, that's progress. :)

Acceptance...that was so hard for me. Took a long time to wrap my head around it and I practice it daily. But I have to say you have strong boundaries and you should be very proud of yourself for seeing reality as it is BEFORE going any further in the relationship. I didn't. My kids got hurt. That sucks.

So...you have my utmost respect today for your wise and sound decisions in regards to handling your reality clearly and honestly, regardless of how you "feel" about it inside. That's awesome! Thanks for sharing.