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The End...

Old 07-19-2011, 06:53 PM
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The End...

I haven't posted in a while because I have felt some shame/guilt over not listening to people on here asking me why I was still stuck, why haven't I moved on....and I still don't have the answer to why before, however I am not at the END of this relationship, feeling stronger and more confident. I have started reading Why Does he Do that....again, and this time, it has made his behavior so clear to me. And of course as expected his changes have never lasted - most recently going to a counselor...stopping drinking*which I think lasted about 5 days. But I am over it all...I am done with it all...the empty promises, the false hopes in the reality I thought I could create, the fear of what will happen.......it is over. I am sad, hurt, angry...and a lot more that I can't define right now. It has been a LONG LONG ride....but I am getting off for good.
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:59 PM
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One day at a time.
One day at a time.

Hugs.
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Old 07-19-2011, 07:05 PM
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FreeingMyself, ((((hugs))))

No need to feel guilt or shame. Just like our A's we can't do what we need to do until we are ready to do it. I stayed with an active alcoholic wife for 15 years. There were periods of not drinking but never for too long. There were even periods of moderation but it always ended with a binge.

So congratulations on taking a big step.

BTW, are you going to al-anon? I can't recommend it enough. Keep posting and remember its none of your business what other people think of you. :-)

Your friend,
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Old 07-19-2011, 07:20 PM
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I know exactly where you are coming from. I feel the same way... and it both empowers me and frightens me at the same time.
I have rationalized his behaviors so many times and made excuses (because after all-- he has never been in trouble w the law, holds a very good job, isn't drinking during the day, has controlled it for a while, is a decent father and is functional! right!?!) but when it boils down to it, I just realize that there will always be another binge, another episode where he cuts me down to nothing, another time where he blames me,. and on and on. I have had to ask myself every day do I even want to be with him even if he doesn't ever drink again? Will that magically make our problems go away? Probably not. So far I have stuck with him because we were high school sweethearts and we have two young girls and I have always had such high hopes for US and OUR FAMILY. I need to start having high hopes for me now and my girls.
I grapple with the "END" every single day myself. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:11 PM
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FreeingMyself, don't beat yourself up for your own timetable. I have been there recently myself. Everyone around me saw his outrageous behavior and asked me why I still gave him the time of day. No one has been in the relationship except the two of you. I found myself trying to convince people of the good person I saw deep within him, the secrets he confided in his sober moments to only me, not even to his ex-wife or daughter, and the intimate moments our souls connected. It was only when I couldn't hurt any more that I had to surrender, and I have always been a sore loser. I so wanted the storybook ending, but the pain became too great. Be gentle with yourself; only you know when the time is right and you can say with confidence you are ready to turn the corner..:
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:20 PM
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I am brand new as of today to this site, but I wanted to commend you. I am also in the middle of severing ties with someone who is an addict b/c it is literally ruining my life and greatly affecting my health. I am also trying to learn not to beat myself up, but it is truly difficult. I hope that I find the resolve you did. I no longer want to be co-dependent to an addict who cares only about his own needs. The year that I have been with him seems like forever, yet what has kept me believing he would change???

I was looking to see how I can turn a pawn claim over to my bf (ex-bf as of recent) who is an addict (both alcohol and drugs). This site happened to be one of the first search results and did it ever ring true with me...

I have been dating a "man" (almost 40, but acts like he's still in high school) who is a "musician".. No offense to any musicians out there, but I have always had relationships with more "safe" and reliable men and am still friends with both my long-term boyfriends. I am by no means a gold digger and don't date people for money or just to have someone around. I am quite independent. However, he hasn't made more than $200 doing shows in the past year. His only source of money is his father and items that he pawns... and ME

This relationship unlike any other came out of nowhere and has turned my whole life upside down and then some. After being together for a very short time, I allowed him to move in with me. BIG mistake! I quickly found out his dependence on drugs and alcohol. The alcohol on the surface doesn't seem bad, but it gets worse and worse before he stops for awhile. Then he would start up again and it just gets heavier and heavier. I'm not sure the drugs ever stop for very long. When I would get upset because his drugs/alcohol was/is making him very volatile and difficult to say the least, all the promises in the world come out of his mouth to stay together. Long story as short as I can make it, I had to call the cops on him and have him removed from my home. He was living off me and spending every dime I had and not paying anything toward the place or even utilities. I think the total amount of cash he put into our "relationship" was about $1,000 compared to the $20,000 we managed to spend on a place to live, bills, his habits, etc... I didn't end up getting a restraining order at the time and eventually let him back in my life but would never let him move back in with me. I did however let him back in from an emotional level. Big, big mistake and it's still costing me.

I am realizing now just how much of a co-dependent I am when it comes to him. I do not feel like I am a co-dependent and am more of a loner except with him (I'm not sure yet what AD and AH are, so sorry I'm not using all the correct terminology). I WANT to not care for him and I want to just never think about him again, but I won't lie... I have failed miserably at getting him out of my life months ago. I have lost out on a couple good jobs and was even let go from a job because I became very ill. After thousands of dollars and several tests, it appears that I contracted shingles without the rash (it's a virus that lies dormant in one region of the body until something triggers it). My Dr.s tell me that shingles is primarily caused from stress. My gut knows all too well the source of the stress, so why do I keep letting him in my life??

Today was unbelievable.. I finally landed a great job and I am supposed to start in the next few weeks. I had been waiting for a call from my new boss, but instead I was bombarded with texts and calls from the addict. He's beside himself because the person he was living with asked him to move out at the end of the month. I am 99% sure it is because he is costing his buddy money and he just wants the addict out of his house too. He knows I landed the job and seems to be trying to sabotage me yet again!! Today was just too much for me. I wouldn't pick up the phone and just kept texting him to leave me alone. Instead, he told me he HAD to have the $15 for his pawned item TODAY and tomorrow or the next day would be too late. What? $15?? Oh, he also said he just got paid $40 Monday but all that money is gone.. hmmm...
I pawned this item for him today. He can't because his Driver's License has been expired for 10 YEARS! - no, I don't know why, and I figure if I ask him again he'll just make up something else. This morning he told me I could just use it for gas and pay him back this weekend. All of a sudden now he just has to have it today or all is lost? Something is beyond fishy. Here is my take: he knows he's not wanted where he is right now, so he is finding any excuse to stay with me he can. When I kept telling him "no, not today", I finally just yelled and told him I've had enough and he needs to find another mark and another sucker. Like an idiot (and b/c I just wanted to give him the money and get rid of him), I told him I would be at my place in 5 minutes so I at least had time to get out of my car and wait for him outside so he wouldn't have a chance to make it to my door. Not even one minute later I pull around the corner to my house and he's sitting in his car. When I told him I would not let him come in, he started the begging and playing the dumb/"I don't understand" act. Here's the rub... he's not dumb. He's quite bright. He's actually one of the best con artists I've ever met. I got so upset that yet again I allowed him to take me off my game. He stepped right in front of my car and would not let me go forward. I had to back my car up a full block, right past my mailman in reverse, to get away from him. I went around a few blocks and parked to collect my thoughts and composure. Next thing I know he pulls up beside me and completely pulls to the side and in front of me, blocking me in my car against a curb blocks from my house. I told him to move the car and he wouldn't. I immediately got scared and dialed 911. He heard me talking to them and took off, flipping me off as he drove down the street. I thought that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. He called me over 50 times over the next couple hours.

Hearing stories and seeing some of the info here really makes me realize I'm not alone. Thank you to all of you who are taking the time to try and help people like me. I never ever thought I would be in this position. Please give me the strength to deal with this and get my life back together! Thanks to all of you again in advance. I am open to any thoughts any of you have.
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by groomer1 View Post
FreeingMyself, don't beat yourself up for your own timetable. I have been there recently myself. Everyone around me saw his outrageous behavior and asked me why I still gave him the time of day. No one has been in the relationship except the two of you. I found myself trying to convince people of the good person I saw deep within him, the secrets he confided in his sober moments to only me, not even to his ex-wife or daughter, and the intimate moments our souls connected. It was only when I couldn't hurt any more that I had to surrender, and I have always been a sore loser. I so wanted the storybook ending, but the pain became too great. Be gentle with yourself; only you know when the time is right and you can say with confidence you are ready to turn the corner..:
Your comments are wonderful and I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site!! I am also going through similar circumstances and feel like I've actually been hiding from everyone because of the shame and feeling of weakness I have felt for many months. I wish it had not taken me getting ill and losing a job to figure out I cannot battle this for someone else. As I want to better my life, people have to make their own decisions in their own time. I hope I can be as strong as so many other people here on this site.
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Old 07-20-2011, 04:56 AM
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hope4,

Just to let you know, his texting/calling you constantly can be considered a form of harassment. You can tell him to stop contacting you, and that if he continues you will apply for another restraining order.

I'm not sure of the law in CA, but in most places you can get a R.O. based on harassment. That could prevent him from calling/texting, or at least give you recourse if he does.

Don't let this guy keep you from your great new job. Please stick around here, and if you haven't already checked it out, please find an Al-Anon meeting near you. You can find them to be a HUGE support in doing what you need to do to move forward in your life.
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Old 07-20-2011, 07:10 AM
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hope4strength, I was with my XABF for almost 9 months, but it seems like an eternity to return to the woman I used to be. The hardest thing for me in the beginning was to detach and let go. If I didn't get a text or initiate some form of contact, I felt inside the same way as when I get panic attacks, that I would die. Well, I didn't, and one day leads to the next, even if I cry, my life does go on. You are so strong inside, you just forgot that lately..don't give him the power to control how your day goes. Make a conscious effort to look for the good today, in people who are kind to you, nature, or anything that went well. Keep reading everything here, there is a wealth of experience and advice. Here's one of your blessings today -- the people on this forum DO understand your pain. You will see, it will lessen, and one day you will wake up and say, "I feel like me again", even for an hour, but it will come..
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Old 07-20-2011, 07:24 AM
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Hope4, California was the first state to put "Stalker Law" on their books, and it is a felony. As part of that law, excessive phone calls and text messages as you have described is Stalking under their law.

You should have no trouble getting a TRO and then the PRO in place.

(((((Freeing Myself))))) There is no 'time table' sweetie. When you are ready for your next step (form of action) you will take it and not one second sooner. Be assured, no one here 'judges' you. Remember most of us have been where you are now, be it with a parent, a spouse, a S O, a child, a sibling, or even a life long friend.

So .......................................... in my book, I am very glad to see you posting again!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-20-2011, 07:59 AM
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No need to feel guilt or shame. Just like our A's we can't do what we need to do until we are ready to do it.
This made me cry this morning. Thank you. I know it, but I needed to hear it again.
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