My brother went to jail today...
 

My brother went to court today, and ended up being sent to jail. He didn't think it would happen, but it did.

He just "assumed" that somebody in the family would bail him out, but he didn't ask if anybody would.

There is only one person in the family who is in a position financially to bail him out, but she's not sure yet if she will, at least not right away.

The thinking in the family is that we've all been "rescuing" my brother for too long, and he hasn't changed his lifestyle one little bit, but maybe a few nights in jail will cause him to re-evaluate the way he's been living.

On one hand, it's very sad thinking of your own brother being in jail. On the other, *something* needs to get through to him.

How did you handle it if a loved one went to jail? Did you rush right down to bail them out, or let them sit and stew for awhile?

I don't bail my AD out, never have, never will.

I had to leave my kids in jail when they got arrested, no money for bail.
Lessons were learned by all by them staying there.
Me, I learned they will live through the experience and maybe get a clue.
They learned they cannot get out of everything and mom will not help them get out of jail.

Beth

Usually, if they end up in jail, they did something pretty not-right to end up there.

I'm now of the belief that adults can live the consequences of their lives, and I don't have to be responsible for their decisions or what happens due to their decisions.

So, my policy is if you "earn" your way into jail, you will have to "earn" your way back out, too.


CLMI

My fiance DID get arrested for a DUI. He spent the night in jail. His brother went and picked him up once he was sober. I wouldn't (but then he knew that so he didn't ask me). If he had been sentenced to jail I would have visited him but not bailed him out. In my opinion my fiance is an adult, can make adult decisions, and live with adult consequences. Even the DUI didn't stop the drinking, just the drinking and driving. At least he learned some sort of lesson!

However, this is just MY opinion. You obviously have to do what's best for you. I guess it depends how long he has to be in jail for. I don't think a few days will hurt anyone and a little reality check could help. Again, just my opinion.

Good luck

nope, I just enjoyed a peaceful nights sleep for once in a long time.
you didn't put him there, he did.

How is it anyone's responsibility in the family to bail him out? Bail is supposed to ensure that you show up in court. He got himself into a jam (let's not kid ourselves that he didn't do whatever it is he is charged with--it happens, but seldom, and even seldom-er with alcoholics), so let him take the responsibility of bailing himself out.

I've heard of many, many alcoholics who only decided to get sober after a stint in jail. They decided they didn't like the accommodations and became aware that their lives had become unmanageable. If you bail him out, he figures, hey, no big deal. Just a little mistake, nothin' wrong with ME.

My A stepson has spent a few stints in county detention centers and once in prison. We never bailed him out. He's a grown man who is responsible for the consequences of his own actions. We hope and pray that he has learned from his experiences to not steal and defraud people.

HG

I heard a wonderful statement in a meeting. I agree with everyone about being adults and dealing with the consequences. I also heard someone say that they knew their loved ones were safe when they were in jail. Safe from their behavior of addiction...at least for a little bit. This helped them to reshape their thinking pattern.

Thank you for the encouraging replies.

My brother asked me when he called tonight, "Is anybody working on getting me out of this hole?"

I think he was completely shocked when I told him no, and that we don't know what's going to happen--and we really don't. We've spent most of the afternoon trying to discuss the whole situation.

We are all accountable for our actions. Letting him sit a stew reminds me of a punitive response on your part while in reality he's in jail for something he did wrong and the state has taken the burden of that role off your family's shoulders.

I imagine everyone has a come to Jesus meeting with themselves while sitting in jail, but that would be short lived for an addict. I would ask what happens when he gets out? Does he still live with you?

Working on getting him out?

Wow.

Has he explained how he would be able to pay the money back? or does he expect it to be a gift? as if the money hadn't cost work and efforts to the one paying.

According to the law he is a hazard to society so why let him go and have something worse happen again and maybe including 3rd parties? perhaps this one is his bottom.

Yes, he's used to having somebody in the family rescue him from whatever bind he gets himself into. Once in awhile he'll actually pay some money back that someone has lent him, but usually it doesn't seem to bother him to take the money and never get around to repaying it.

He got behind on child support, and got sent to jail for it this time. I don't know how throwing a guy in jail is supposed to enable him to pay his child support faster, but since the law is on the books, my brother should have known better than to take a chance that he would end up in jail.

Coming from the other side, I've been to jail many times due to consequences of my addiction and therefore my actions. I've also been to state prison. Not once did my mother or anyone else ever bail me out of the situation I put myself into no matter how much I wanted it, begged for it, etc. I sat there each and everytime. When I went to prison, it changed my life for the better and many lessons were learned. I never used heroin again. Ever. However, I didn't change as much as I needed to (going to jail/prison) isn't the right place for an addict because you are not given the tools necessary to be successful. 10 months after being released, I was deep in alcohol addiction.

Anyways, I just saw WHY he was sent to jail, so I am sorry for my rambling above! I'm sure it is hard to see your brother sent to jail...also not sure what it's going to do to make him pay his child support? But I suppose the law is the law.

Take care of yourself

-Jess

If he's in jail for not paying child support, then his being sent to jail is not affecting his children, in that they are already not being provided child support.

But being in jail may provide HIM a script in his head thus, "I don't want to go back to jail. If I don't pay my child support, I will go back to jail."

THIS may induce him to change his future behavior in a favorable way toward paying his child support.

That it's HARDER to earn money toward the payment of child support whilst in and out of jail is extra incentive for him to a) earn money toward child support and b) not engage in behaviors that cause him not to earn money toward child support, as failure to earn money starts up the script, "I don't want to go back to jail. If I don't pay my child support, I will go back to jail."

So, sending him to jail really doesn't affect what the children are experiencing - they are already not being paid. But it DOES affect his future decisions, providing him MORE pain if he doesn't pay in the future.

It's not the jail's problem that he can't earn money while in jail. It's HIS problem, that he landed himself in jail, instead of paying his child support.

CLMI

Oh gosh!
I would have been so tempted to say " Yes- we are working on that, just as hard as you worked on staying out of situations like this"!

What an attitude. He surely needs a reality check, and this may help.

These are both really good. I especially like the thing about saying, "Yes, we're working on that..."

I got up this morning hoping that my sister might bail him out today or tomorrow. She reminded me that it's just because of OUR pain knowing he's in there that we want to get him out so soon, without him having time to think about his future lifestyle choices. She says he needs to stay there at least over the weekend, like we all talked about yesterday, and even then, she's not so sure she wants to run right down and hand over yet more money to rescue him.

When I went to jail my bother said don't feel sorry for him he earned the right to be there.
He was right.....now we can laugh about it.

Wow, what a mess. I come from a large and close knit family and can totally identify how tempting it is to fix things for the "collective good". But it sounds like you need to keep reminding yourself about the source of the pain. It's not jail... jail is the symptom, not the disease.

Bailing your brother out does absolutely nothing to alter the cause of the pain (his behavior), in fact makes it more likely that the cause will not change because there will be little/no consequence for his behavior.

Yes, our family is large and close-knit, and it's amazing how much turmoil just ONE member of the family can stir up for all others in the family, so you're right when you say it's tempting to rescue him for the "collective good".

I feel bad too, that my sister gets put in the position of having to be the "bad guy" if she doesn't bail him out, just because she's the only one in the family in a financial position to do so. This means the stress of the bailing out (or not) decision is going to fall on her.

Of all of us, she tends to be the one that's able to stay strong when it comes to not being swayed by my brother.