Freedom1990

His prior failures to pay child support and then coming up with money at the last minute show his lack of maturity in being a responsible adult.

My dad lost over 3 grand when he bailed my 33-year-old AD out. She's been incarcerated twice since then.

I don't take phone calls (expensive as heck calling collect from jail), nor do I put money on the books for her when she is incarcerated.

Her actions are what put her there, and I won't rob her of the opportunity to experience the consequences of her actions.

I also am not a flophouse for the irresponsible, including her. I gave her one shot at staying with me temporarily, and she blew it.

gerryP

Maybe Y'all should stop trying to spend your sisters money. Agree to disagree and move on.

The great thing about alcoholics is that we have survival instinct, with a F---You attitude, so for the most part we move on from anyone that won't help us out, bail us out and enable us. He will be fine until he takes a look at himself, alone and miserable and decides if he wants to make a fresh start, or... he won't.

Best to you and the rest of your family. I too hope you can all let this go and enjoy your weekend and each other.

vtsister2

A little background on where I got some of my strength:

At age 18, I became engaged to my first alcoholic (I didn't marry him, thank God.)

At age 30, I became engaged to my second alcoholic (I didn't marry him either, thank God.)

At that point, finally, I recognized a pattern in myself of being drawn to these destructive people. I was living in a big city at the time, and luckily there were tons of CoDependents Anonymous groups there. I spent 3 years going to meetings regularly.

It works if you work it. ;-)

Being "strong" sure does take a lot out of a person, though, I tell ya. Especially when it's this bleepin' HOT!!!

Freedom1990

Tell me about it! We are now in a severe drought area, and more triple digit temps in the 7 day forecast. We've reached as high as 110!

Sending you hugs of support!

skippernlilg

Just some information for you: There is no child support enforcement office that pays child support for an extended time without deposits made by the non-custodial parent. This means, that in a case like this, while the child may have received benefit of support thus far, the enforcement process is put in place in order to achieve deposits to sustain more payments to benefit of the child.

Legally, this is a necessary step in ensuring support of the children in your state.

Your nephew deserves the best care possible and the financial support of both parents is his right.

Take the coddling to the actual child.

That was the decision I made. That is the decision my son's bio-dad's family has made. It has been the best decision for us.

Blessings!!

vtsister2

Our nephew's mom is a trained personal care provider who can make upwards of $20/hour when she chooses to work.

But she chooses not to work; welfare is easier. That's frustrating, too.

There's an incredible amount of frustrating history on both sides behind this whole story.

But the bottom line doesn't change. Everyone needs to behave like responsible adults--especially when there are children involved.

gerryP

There is always more to every story. (smile)

My Dad used to say, "There are 3 sides to every story. His side, her side and the side you never hear."

skippernlilg

I agree that everyone needs to behave like responsible adults. The children are watching the adults around them.

Gosh, I'm very sorry you have the perspective you do about your nephew's mother.

Single parents have a whole lot of responsibility to raise the children beyond the $20/hour they have the ability to make. Which is not exactly in the highest income bracket as it is, let alone trying to keep work attendance acceptable for an employer when parenting responsibilities of the child is almost solely on the one parent.

I feel that a parent who utilizes their resources in order to raise a child is doing well for that child. If the work-life balance is overwhelming for the single parent, which is often the case, whatever that parent needs to do to Be There to raise the child is the best decision.

I encourage you to help her raise your nephew. He will benefit from your close family support.

I am grateful for a wonderful (ex) sister-in-law who encourages my decision to return to school while raising my son on my own, even when my former spouse avoids his financial responsibility. I have not received a dollar from their family, and don't intend to, but I do appreciate the moral support I receive from them in order to make sure my son gets the very best I have to offer. My son shines when he can see that we shine as a family!

Fandy

please clarify..maybe i am missing something?

If "m" is working and his wages are garnished to make child support payments...how does he get behind in the payments anyway. you mentioned earlier that his "not paying" was his way of telling his displeasure to the mom at the broken family. I am guessing that he had no employment for some time? or lied to the employer that he did not have to make support payments until they caught up to him?

blueblooms14

to vtsister1,

This is how I see it and how I got there. And it's worked for my daughter. And me. When my younger daughter got into trouble, the people at the facility told the parents going to the seminars, that we don't necessarily know what's best for another adult. Everyone has their own path and we can't predict everything that might occur in our own path, much less anyone else's.

Now this was a group of very rules-oriented, compliant-behavior parents. They asked us how we would react if our child dropped out of college and we pretty much agreed that we'd be upset. Then they asked us how we would have felt if our son Bill Gates or Ted Turner, or our daughter Madonna Ciccone dropped out of college (they all did). Yeah, we would have flipped out. We were all flip-out type parents. The point is we cannot know another's path and often we assume, in our own fear and control that we do know how things will work out and if someone isn't doing "it" the way we think they should, we get in the way.

There's actually a danger in interfering with the natural progression of someone else's path- we might be preventing what THEY need to have happen or want to have happen, consciously or subconsciously. We might even be preventing or interfering with their own inner questions and challenges and their self-esteem and internal process of working things through, realization and choice, which all people need in order to grow.

Your brother was told that if he didn't pay sister2 back, she wouldn't help him again. He didn't pay her. Fair enough. She would be making herself a liar if she didn't live up to her promise to him. It wasn't a threat; it was a promise. And he took her up on it. She shows great respect to him by keeping her promises to him, and to herself for keeping her promises to herself.

Byron Katie has this saying (paraphrasing): There are three kinds of business. My business. Your business. And God's business. She teaches that we overstep when we tread into someone else's business or God's business.

Replace fear with faith that it will be okay. Your brother can deal with this and he will deal with it, however he chooses.

vtsister

We are NOT trying to "spend my sister's money". In fact, we have mentioned to her that it's not fair that our brother assumes she'll bail him out just because she is the one who has the money to do it. We have told her we know that she is NOT obligated in any way to bail him out.

Wow--"sorry you have the perspective you do"--that's quite harsh. I understand why you would say that, since you have been a single parent, and don't know the details about our nephew's situation.

As my sister mentioned, our nephew's mother CHOOSES not to work. She receives all sorts of benefits from the state, and has a live in boyfriend who has a very good job. While you single parents are out there killing yourselves at one, two, or three jobs to put food on the table for your children, remember that this woman is just as irresponsible as our brother. She knows how to work the system, and takes full advantage. Would you be happy to know that you're out there slaving away on your own, while people like this "live large" on your tax money, and have plenty of time and money to spend on frivolous things because they have a live in boyfriend too?

As for my nephew, our family is very close to him. He frequently spends time with someone in our family. He spends a lot of time with our mother, who teaches him many valuable things that will help him in life.

Our nephew may have a deadbeat dad, but the rest of us in the family do our best to make sure he has everything he needs, as well as quality time spent with family members who are living more stable lifestyles than his parents.

Our brother is a sub-contractor, and has lay off periods during the winter months where he prefers to sit in front of his tv and drink beer rather than getting out there to look for additional work.

The judge instructed him to obtain a regular W2 job, but my brother chose to ignore that.

gerryP

Vtsister,

What I meant by "...should stop trying to spend your sisters money" had to do with allowing her to make the decision and support her decision, whether all of you agree or disagree. I apologize for not being clear.

Freedom1990

Let's all remember we are here to share our experience, strength, and hope with the OP, please. Thanks!

suki44883

After reading this entire thread, my thoughts are that this is all your brother's problem; not yours, not anyone elses in the family. His and his alone. If your nephew is being taken care of, that is all that matters. Nothing any of you do is going to make your brother or his ex into responsible people, so stop trying. Leave him to sort out his own life or not, but stop enabling him. Detach and move on with your own lives.

m1k3

Vtsister, there is a saying used here and in al-anon.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Basically it means that it is your decision to decide how best to handle this for yourself.

None of us has the right to take that decision from you nor should we try.

Your friend,

vtsister

I understand.

gerryP

Try to have a good weekend vtsister. You need a break from all of this.

vtsister

Thank you, GerryP.

Tonight there's a new twist...It seems that my brother called my mother and told her that he needed to get out of there because they were going to move him out of state without telling the family.

This is a lie because my sister had already asked the caseworker about this a few days ago, and the answer was that, no, he might be moved in-state, but he wouldn't be moved out of state.

So my little 78-year old, very recently widowed, mother is going to go down tomorrow morning and bail him out.

This means four days in jail didn't do a thing for him except give him time to think of another person to scam, so that he could get what he wants.

He'll be moving in with my mother now too, and since he probably won't stop drinking, he'll bring all the stress to HER house.

Fandy

you might want to protect your mother from this entire episode. it will cause her major upset and he will continue to scam her and upset her. your mother should be off limits to his requests.

vtsister

We can't do anything about it. She has made up her mind.
Yes, she knows my brother will continue to scam and take advantage of her.

She just doesn't want to see her son in jail, or out on the streets.