My brother went to jail today...

Old 07-20-2011, 07:37 AM
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Old 07-20-2011, 07:45 AM
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She says he needs to stay there at least over the weekend, like we all talked about yesterday, and even then, she's not so sure she wants to run right down and hand over yet more money to rescue him.
(((((VT))))))

Listen to your sister, she is a very WISE WOMAN. I really hope she comes to the 2nd conclusion about NOT handing over yet more money to rescue him.

It is his ACTIONS or LACK OF ACTIONS that put him there. There is no reason for more financial burden should be put on the family.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-20-2011, 08:16 AM
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How old is this guy?
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Old 07-20-2011, 08:36 AM
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vtsister, I am sorry for what your family is going through. It is a tough situation. The court is sending him a message, please allow him adequate time to receive. Bailing him out will not fix anything. Just my personal opinion, but if you have money for booze, you have money to feed your kids. Instead of bailing him out I would use that money to help with the support of the kids. Again just my personal opinion.

I so hate this disease, it scars the whole family. Try not to internalize about his choices. The actions are his, as well as the consequences. I would have to put my energy into being a great Aunt to his children while he is unavailable. Take care.
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Old 07-20-2011, 09:02 AM
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As a mother who often went without court-ordered child support for my youngest daughter, and who had to wait for child support enforcement to garnish his tax returns at the end of the year, I ask you to please listen to your sister.

His actions, or lack thereof are what landed him in jail in the first place, and I know what a huge financial impact that can have on what is provided for a child. I was actually working 3 jobs at one time to support my daughter and myself.

I only wish my state had been stricter and given jail time to my youngest daughter's father.
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Old 07-20-2011, 09:10 AM
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My children and I heavily rely on the child support we receive.

If my ex stopped paying you bet I would want to see him end up in jail.
I've worked (sometimes two jobs at once) and gone back to school when my husband left so really I don't have sympathy for any dead beat dad.

Sorry if I've offended you but really that is what he is - a dead beat dad

If he didn't want to pay child support he shouldn't have had children.

And yes I do have a relative (by marriage) in jail.
He will die there.

He treated the whole family so poorly and was so unapologetic for his actions for so long that NOBODY, and I mean nobody, in a huge extended family gives a rat's ass any more.

Your brother is lucky that any of you guys will even talk to him.
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Old 07-20-2011, 09:12 AM
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To add one last thing, the day my relative went to jail was the day of my first Alanon meeting.

Only good thing that came out of it.
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Old 07-20-2011, 09:29 AM
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I'm another RA who has been to jail a few times. My last stint was county jail for a month then a diversion center...in custody, but had to get a job and pay rent while I was locked up. Someone was complaining, one day, and "sarge" (head of security) said "we don't WANT you to like it here, we WANT you to do what you need to get out and never do anything to get BACK here.

I also know someone who got locked up for not paying child support, and in GA you also lose your driver's license. It didn't phase him...he's still out doing the same stuff he was.

I would listen to your sister and give HER your support. If she's the one that is going to look like the "bad guy" for doing what's best for him and your family (hoping she doesn't bail him out) it sounds like SHE needs the support..not him.

He got where he is from his own actions. My first time in jail, nor the 2nd or 3rd, etc. gave me my wake up call, but when I relapsed and realized I could be going to prison (I was on probation), THAT was my wake up call. I had to have a lot of consequences, and they finally got too much and I said "I can't do this any more". That was over 4 years ago, and I needed every single minute I spent in jails/diversion center to get here.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 07-20-2011, 09:55 AM
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"He got behind on his child support and got sent to jail for it THIS TIME."

So this isn't the first time he has not provided for his children.

"I don't know how throwing a guy in jail is supposed to enable him to pay his child support faster."

Was he on the brink of paying his child support the day he was 'caught' for non payment?

Does your brother have a job?

I dunno, maybe it would be more worthwhile to ask your brother 'while in jail' to start making a list of what he needs to do in order to bring about change in his life, so he can begin living as a responsible human being. With that list, examples of what he needs to do to make that happen. If he has trouble executing the exercise, are there not some resources in the jail, ie. a mental health counsellor to help him with that. I say 'more worthwhile' then just getting him out of jail to continue his life as he has always lived it.

Maybe it would be a show of respect to the family member who ultimately makes the decision to leave him there or get him out, to not to question her decision, if she decides to not do anything.
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Old 07-20-2011, 10:04 AM
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Yep, a Dead Beat Dad. It is what it is. Call a spade a spade.
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Old 07-20-2011, 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Spawn View Post
How old is this guy?
He will be 49 soon.

Originally Posted by gowest View Post

Sorry if I've offended you but really that is what he is - a dead beat dad
You didn't offend me. We all realize that that's exactly the way he's behaving, like a deadbeat dad. We hate it. Countless times he's been talked to about it by someone in the family, or by our parents, but nothing ever gets through to him.

Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
"He got behind on his child support and got sent to jail for it THIS TIME."

So this isn't the first time he has not provided for his children.

"I don't know how throwing a guy in jail is supposed to enable him to pay his child support faster."

Was he on the brink of paying his child support the day he was 'caught' for non payment?

Does your brother have a job?

I dunno, maybe it would be more worthwhile to ask your brother 'while in jail' to start making a list of what he needs to do in order to bring about change in his life, so he can begin living as a responsible human being. With that list, examples of what he needs to do to make that happen. If he has trouble executing the exercise, are there not some resources in the jail, ie. a mental health counsellor to help him with that. I say 'more worthwhile' then just getting him out of jail to continue his life as he has always lived it.

Maybe it would be a show of respect to the family member who ultimately makes the decision to leave him there or get him out, to not to question her decision, if she decides to not do anything.
This isn't the first time he's been late, but usually he shows up at court with some money, and they accept it and he skates along. This time the judge saw through him, and wasn't going to put up with it. He sent my brother directly to jail.

Yes, he has a job--but if he spends much time in jail, he might not have it for long.

My brother has a caseworker in jail, so maybe the thing about writing out plans so this doesn't happen again will be brought up.
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Old 07-20-2011, 10:15 AM
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If he looses his job as a result of too much time in jail, well, that will be another consequence of his very poor choices. You are not your brother's keeper vtsister.
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Old 07-20-2011, 12:31 PM
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49 wow

He's not a little boy.....is he?

Right now I think he needs some time to reflect on where he is and where he's going.

Jail might do him some good.

These are only my thoughts I'm sharing....I'll say a prayer for you.
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Old 07-20-2011, 12:40 PM
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Thank you, Spawn, for your prayers. It is appreciated.

It's been a very frustrating day, which followed a very frustrating afternoon/evening yesterday.

My brother was so sure that he wouldn't be going to jail that he left his keys in his vehicle when he went into court.

Now my sister and my mother are going to the city to try to get it and bring it home, if it's still there where he left it parked. It could be stolen by now, for all we know.

Having nobody go get the vehicle would probably be part of his consequence, but the tools of his trade are in it, and he won't be able to work without them.

My brother assumes he's getting bailed out asap, but my sister informed the caseworker that he is NOT, so we'll see if his attitude becomes a little more humble after he hears that.
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Old 07-20-2011, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by vtsister View Post
Thank you, Spawn, for your prayers. It is appreciated.

It's been a very frustrating day, which followed a very frustrating afternoon/evening yesterday.

My brother was so sure that he wouldn't be going to jail that he left his keys in his vehicle when he went into court.

Now my sister and my mother are going to the city to try to get it and bring it home, if it's still there where he left it parked. It could be stolen by now, for all we know.

Having nobody go get the vehicle would probably be part of his consequence, but the tools of his trade are in it, and he won't be able to work without them.

My brother assumes he's getting bailed out asap, but my sister informed the caseworker that he is NOT, so we'll see if his attitude becomes a little more humble after he hears that.
Your family needs some time to heal......take the time now.
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Old 07-20-2011, 01:09 PM
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So Is he still living with you?
Will he come back to your home when he does get out?
It must be huge source of tension in your marriage.
Your husband must be a saint.
Do you have children at home exposed to this "male role model?"
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Old 07-20-2011, 01:27 PM
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I just read through your post history... this jail stay... to me... sounds like YOUR HP giving you a perfect opportunity to pack his stuff up and finally get him him out of your basement. I would change the locks and let him know that he is no longer welcome in my home... and then, I'd get my a$$ to an Al-anon meeting so that I didn't get any crazy ideas that I could save him.

I know you love him, we ALL love the alcoholics in our life. The sad truth is that sometimes that love... does far more harm than good. We unknowingly cushion their falls - keeping them from their bottom, and standing in the way of THEIR HP getting through to them.

It's time to get out of the way of his HP, vtsister. Let go and let god.
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Old 07-20-2011, 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Jazzman View Post
So Is he still living with you?
Will he come back to your home when he does get out?
It must be huge source of tension in your marriage.
Your husband must be a saint.
Do you have children at home exposed to this "male role model?"
Yes, he still lives with us, and, yes, my husband is a very kind and patient man.

We actually enjoy having my brother here most of the time. It's just the drama and turmoil his poor choices create that puts stress on everyone in our whole family, not just on the two of us.

No, no children still at home to be exposed to my brother's example.
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Old 07-20-2011, 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted by vtsister View Post
Yes, he's used to having somebody in the family rescue him from whatever bind he gets himself into.

I think it's best not to bail him out, but keep in mind there is a very good chance he may still not see the consequences of his actions or stop blaming all of you anytime soon. My STBXAH got a DUI about four years ago, back when I didn't realize he was an alcoholic. He called us crying from jail and we went and got him immediately. I am sure that if we had left him there to teach him it wouldn't have made a difference, he would have just blamed all of us as he blames us for EVERYTHING he does. Just trying to keep your expectations realistic that he may not learn from this right away, if ever. I think you are doing the right thing though, it's his only chance.
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Old 07-20-2011, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
I know you love him, we ALL love the alcoholics in our life. The sad truth is that sometimes that love... does far more harm than good. We unknowingly cushion their falls - keeping them from their bottom, and standing in the way of THEIR HP getting through to them.

It's time to get out of the way of his HP, vtsister. Let go and let god.
Most of our family has been "cushioning" my brother for a long time.

As life would have it, the decision might be made for me. My daughter, who lives out of state, might be moving back here. If she does, she'll need to stay with us for awhile until she finds a place to live.

This means my brother would have to move out.

If she doesn't move back, I'll have to figure out what to do about my brother.
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