Second-guessing myself
 

Aw, man. I still know how to drive myself crazy, even with no alcoholics in spitting distance.

Remember my "Project Number 2" at work, that got postponed until September at the earliest? I found out today that no actual date for this project will be SET until September. Under those circumstances, it could not occur before sometime in October, and if it got postponed again, well, we are running right into my retirement at the end of November.

I talked to the person who assigned the project to me--I'd scheduled a meeting with her to discuss some of the issues that have had me going in circles. So I tell her today that I'm thinking MAYBE the project should be reassigned to someone else. She wasn't upset, but her initial thinking was that we should try to move it up to actually occur in September. I had a few other problems with that, and sort of hemmed and hawed. Finally she said, "Sounds like you'd really LIKE for it to be reassigned." I said yeah, but I don't wanna be a wussy girl and come right out and ask. She knows what a problem this project has been, and will continue to be. I have been dealing with it for over two years now. It is likely to be a mess for whoever handles it--me or anyone else. I also, realistically, have all this other crapola on my plate at work that I'd like to clean up for whoever takes my job when I leave.

So, anyway, she calls me later this afternoon and says, "Problem solved!"--one of my colleagues agreed to take it. Now, we are ALL overworked, and I am second-guessing myself and wondering whether I am taking the easy way out and dumping my problem on someone else. I talked to the guy handling it, and I will be available to help get him up to speed and to take care of a few preliminary things before he has to take responsibility for it. (There is, still, a POSSIBILITY that the whole thing will go away.)

Damn. Who knows, though, maybe this guy who is taking it will have a fresh eye and do a better job than I would have. He's handled projects like this more recently than I have (the last time I did one of these was several years ago--he handles them all the time). I feel like I'm rationalizing it now.

I keep going in circles and I need to LET GO OF IT. The angst, I mean. I can work hard for the next couple of weeks to give it to him in the best shape I can get it in, and I have plenty to keep me busy until the end of November.

I'll give my sponsor a call later tonight and see what she has to say. I have a feeling I am beating myself up needlessly. Arrrgh.

Are you feeling like you think you look like you're a slacker or not good enough at your job bc someone else is taking this monstrosity of a project over? I know that when in my professional life I have tried to set limits (I tend to say yes to everything, get swamped, overwhelmed and nearly lose my mind) I feel like those I'm saying "hey I think I might need someone else to assist with this" to will inevitably think that I am incompetent, a slacker, taking the easy way out.... you name it, I think it.

I imagine a lot of us (I know that my issues with how I interact with AH stem from my FOO) grew up in less than healthy homes where limit setting wasn't encouraged or taught or seen as something positive. Asking for help and knowing one's limits (at least in my FOO) was seen as being a failure and weak...

So, I wonder if any of this kind of thinking might be going on for you with this situation?

Mmmm, not really. We weren't huge on that sort of thing in my family.

I think it's more like the fact that I really didn't want to do it, so now I feel guilty that I have an "out"--and one that I asked for, no less.

The deal is, when I was first assigned this project, it was before I was in my current "regular" assignment that is so overwhelming to begin with. I have enough work in my "regular" assignment for at least another part-time person (heck, probably enough for another full-time person). So everyone recognizes that I probably would not have been given this project if I'd been in my current assignment at the time.

I guess I feel like a "quitter"--which is the bigger issue for me. I don't like to give up. Same reason I stayed in bad relationships too long.

I recently retired, again, the last 3 months that I worked, I cut my hours down to 30 per week. I trained and helped out where I could, at first I felt like you do, then I said...self, what difference does it make...you are retiring, let it go.

When you strip everything away down to the core, it is just a job, one that someone else will do when you are gone...life goes on!

Relax, this too shall pass.

quitting... that was a big one too in my family...

glad you don't feel you've failed or any of the other negative ideas i tossed out there...

i understand what you're describing about feeling guilt -- i'm sure my T would say it's not warranted and there's some connection to not feeling like it's okay to NOT want to do certain things (feeling like you need to stick things out no matter what ='s perfect recipe for staying in bad r/s!)...

i won't tell you to not feel guilty bc i can empathize with what you're describing.... just be gentle on yourself!

Lexie - Do you think retirement will be less stressful? I sure hope so, because it sounds to me as though you're mega stressed about something that will be over and done with in a few months. I love what Dolly said about it being just a job, and; "someone else will do it when you're gone." What the heck, let someone else get started now. Perhaps they can lean on and learn from you for the project until you retire. Then you'll both be richer.

LexieCat, you are always for me a voice of calm and reason.
Time to let yourself off the hook, sounds like things worked out just fine. It's ok to NOT do it all, all the time. Hard for us, women I mean, to do. But just let it go, and enjoy how good that feels.

Lexiecat-

I completely understand the excitement you posted about a couple of days ago with the change in the project and now a reaction of guilt when it might not be yours to worry about.

I struggle with work/life boundaries and when I shared with my therapist some time ago that I was struggling to be productive at work she smiled and said "That is probably a good thing for you." I was floored. It took me a bit to realize she probably does not say that to everyone. The fact that I had taken my time to tell her 1. that it made me feel guilty and anxious 2. I was not trying to power through it because I did not have it in me. It finally clicked. I have heard for years that we are called human beings for a reaons, not human doings. I get that messed up a lot but have always used doing as an excuse to mask my anxiety. Cutting back (and struggling with the feelings that came with it) is a huge step forward for me.

That does not make it easier in the moment, but progress not perfection right?

Lexie...

I can relate to your dilemma...big time!

Just last week, I convinced myself to ask for help with one of my files at work because I am completely overwhlmed right now.

Working weekends. Going in early....staying late. Trying to work thru problems in my head when i"m not at work... Work has consumed me lately.

And for the first time in 10 years, I actually went to my supervisor and said I needed help. It took me a long time to talk myself into doing it.

ANd I felt like a total schmuck/slacker for doing it.

My supervisor told me to write a memo for the next person outlining where the file stands. Have I done it yet? No. I'm wrestling with the idea that I should just keep it and find a way to handle it myself.

Is this a codependent trait? This need to suffer in silence? The whole martyr syndrome? I guess it must be.

There's no doubt in my mind I"m a very hard worker...a very valuable employee. So why the guilt? This feeling of failure? It seems rediculous to me. Come to think of it, I struggled with alot of the same emotions/thoughts when deciding to end my marriage.

I'm going to try to let it go. I hope you will too.

LIfe's too short to sweat the small stuff...and this IS small stuff, ya know?

Hugs and understanding...

Mary

Lexie, you are a short timer! Your goal is to slide into retirement with as little stress as possible. So, stfu, hand over the case and be glad it's not yours. Especially since you will be there to kick start your replacement, which usually doesn't happen.

Good god, you're bitching because they are lightening your work load as you head to retirement. What the **** are you thinking?

I just wanted to beat Cyranoak with those last 2 post.

Kick back, you've earned it.

Your slacker friend,

You took care of yourself. You asked for something you needed... And then you got it. Your HP made sure someone was there to step up and take on the role. Period. End of discussion. Let it go and stopping tormenting yourself.

There was a reading a few weeks back in Hope For Today (maybe July 1st?!?) about how it's important to share jobs and responsibilities in our service work... Lest we become domineering. I wish I had the book right here... Anyways... That's the reading that jumped out at me when I read your share. If you have Hope for Today... Check it out!

Hugs,
Shannon

Heh,

Thanks, guys. I do feel better after a good night's sleep. I feel more rested--maybe because this mental vampire is off my back?

I always do this to myself. Even if the project had resolved (as it still might) without being reassigned, the relief I feel makes me wonder if I sold it short. Ya know? Like I didn't suffer enough, or I sold out too easy. Which actually IS ridiculous--I've been known at work as someone who goes above and beyond with assignments other people will sh*tcan at the first opportunity. I pick my battles, mind you--I don't treat every assignment/project like they are all of equal importance, but those that I deem worthy, I will work to death.

Mary, I know what you mean. A couple times this past year I have asked for help with my overall workload, and got very little support from my bosses. They are all "sympathetic" and realize how much I have on my plate and what a good job I do, it's just that we are already understaffed and they generally can't afford someone else's time.

Mike, thanks for that kick in the pants. You are right. And if it weren't for retirement looming so close (less than four and a half months, but who's counting?) I'd muddle through, but as it is, something had to GIVE.

You know what else I realized? It's the sort of the same kind of thing that I hear people talk about when they say THEY don't want to be the ones to file for divorce or break up or whatever. It's OK when someone takes the burden away from us, but somehow it doesn't feel right to be the one initiating it. Not that reassigning a project is equivalent to breaking off a significant relationship--I don't want to sound like I'm making light of that--but I think none of us wants to feel like a "quitter".

I'm feeling pretty OK about things this morning. I just have to work on resisting my natural urge to apologize to everyone in sight. Bad habit, and it does color people's perceptions.

The taxpayers will get their money's worth out of me the next few months without my having this particular responsibility. It's all gonna be just... FINE. :)

Lexie, I totally relate. I think its a big part of my personality that I have been working on...knowing my own limits. I have way too much going on at work, and I've been tackling two huge house projects that really...I should have contracted out for a professional to do them. I mean, really, I am one person and a woman no less (no gender bashing here, just being honest) and I am hauling loads of rock around and climbing up on a 2.5 story roof to paint. Sheesh - sometimes it is ok to have someone else do something instead.

I am fine with having someone "take over" but terrible at initiating a hand off. And I have a new assistant at work so learning to delegate is something I am working on right now, for her sake and my own sanity!

Think of it this way...being so close to retirement with so much to wrap up, turning this project over may be the best thing for the project...like you said, "fresh eyes".