blackbanana

I'll try to make a long story short. I've known my husband for about seven years. We got married four years ago. He was always a big drinker, and I used to think that he probably qualified as an alcoholic, but I was able to tolerate it...most of the time. It became worse and worse. A few months ago, he lost his job, and his drinking went completely out of control. I think he stayed drunk for a couple of months straight without a day off. It led up to his being arrested in a very embarrassing situation and spending a couple of nights in jail. He still faces some very serious charges, though no court dates have been set yet.

Since coming home from jail, he's been to AA every day and has over sixty days of sobriety now. I am proud of him and happy for him. So why am I still so unhappy with this marriage?

I have been unhappy with our marriage for a long time now, for a variety of reasons. I think we rushed into it. And I think, looking back on it, if I had known everything about him that I know now, I never would have gotten married to him in the first place. He has some very serious financial problems that are now my problems, and I did not know about them prior to our getting married. I find myself constantly fantasizing about going out on my own again, while I'm still fairly young, and starting over with a new place. He has dragged me through so much since we got married, and we have both changed quite a bit in the last year. The things he wants are not the things I want anymore, and vice versa. However, I now feel guilty about vocalizing any of these feelings because he claims that I give him so much strength in his sobriety. I go to meetings with him, and I try to be there for him. I do love him, and I doubt I'll ever stop, but I don't feel the way I used to. I don't know if I ever will. He is my friend, but I don't feel like I am in love with him now.

I threatened to leave during the peak of his drunken madness a few months back, and he threatened to kill himself if I did it. He threatened it again when he came home from jail, telling me that he had decided to shoot himself if I had left while he was locked up. Thanks to that, I now feel like a prisoner to my own guilt.

I feel so torn, pulled in so many directions, and so exhausted by this relationship. I guess I am just looking for a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands how I am feeling. I feel so guilty for wanting to leave him, but it's all I can think about anymore. I love him for trying and for all the changes he's made, but I don't think I will ever feel the same way about him again. I have no idea what will happen in the end.

Muunray

You are not responsible for his behavior. His threats regarding what he will do if you leave him are his choices. Tell him you will call 911 for him if he feels like he wants to kill himself.

LexieCat

bb,welcome

You don't have to be held hostage by someone else's threats. You have every right to end the marriage if you want to.

My first suggestion, though, is that you start going to some Al-Anon meetings. They will help you get your head clear of all that guilt and confusion so you can make good decisions for yourself.

Has he ever been abusive to you? I ask, because suicide threats by abusive men can be a big red flag in terms of their dangerousness. If he isn't abusive, if he ever makes threats to harm himself, you can call 911 and let them take him to a crisis unit for an evaluation. If he's just making threats to manipulate you, then he probably will think twice about doing it again, if you call his bluff and call 911.

Glad you're here with us.

catlovermi

This is known as emotional extortion - trying to put the burden of suicide onto another via threats of suicide unless the other party complies.

So we have here a husband who is a substance abuser, financial wreck, convict, emotional extorter...

... and you are wondering why you fantasize about getting out?

It's completely OK for you to decide this is not the person you want to remain married to, that this is not the life you want for yourself.

You can give yourself permission to decide what you want for your life - you do not need to have your husband's permission, and you do not have to live your life to comply with your husband's emotional extortion.

Just sayin'

CLMI

wanttobehealthy

This may sound very callous and I don't mean for it too but I really think (based on having my mother do this for years and watching AH's brother now doing it to him) that people who say "if you... then I will kill myself" have little intention of killing themselves and are far more concerned with trying to a) maintain the status quo (bc if you don't do anything different he won't have to) and b) control you out of fear.

I know that suicide is real and occurs too frequently and is very serious... But I have had a lifetime of suicide threat experience with my mother and now brother in law threatning to killl themselves when those around them "dare" to be more worried with themselves than them...

I'm not saying don't be concerned for your H. I am saying that it's quite likely he's making those threats to try and keep you stuck and control you and it appears to have worked. I too have stayed in a marriage that has been bad for many years bc of fear based on words that my AH spoke. But in reality, his actions are what I need to pay attention to... He's never followed through on the things he's claimed will happen if I .... (fill in the blank) so I'm trying (and it's very hard) to not let fear and words of others control me anymore...

wywriter

As others have said, call emergency services the next time he threatens suicide. I guess I can be thankful that that's one thing my AH has never tried, but I think that has more to do with a situation with a friend of mine while AH and I were dating -- said friend is a very negative, depressed, attention-seeking person (I have very little contact with her now) and she said she was feeling unsafe and had taken all of her sharp objects to her mom's. I called the hospital. He knows I will not hesitate to do it again. No doubt your husband will have no doubts that you will do it again once you call once. Sadly, it sounds like he may be exerting similar controls using his sobriety as the hook -- "You give me such strength, I wouldn't be able to stay sober without you."

To answer your question, there is nothing wrong with you, except that you have been miserable for a very long time, and it sounds like you've given up hope of getting out. I'm hardly one to give advice in this arena, since I am also in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and still can't seem to find "enough reason" to get out. Maybe it's because I'm 25 and really, really, really don't want a second failed marriage already (both different brands of abusers). Maybe it's that I am still deeply in love with the person he is when he's not drinking, and it just hasn't sunk in that humans don't come a la carte, you either take it all or leave it all.

I do know that I wasn't able to leave my first marriage until one day the realization just hit -- I'm not stuck. My situation in life is my choice, and I can get out if I want to. It took me knowing that he had a girlfriend on the side for several months, living in a miserable shoebox of a house that's about the size of an average jail cell (22ft. on a side...I'm not kidding), and enduring vicious verbal reprimands for "falling short" on my job as mother, sole caretaker of the home, and making a full-time income from home while I was doing that. Even my current reality after yet another bad relationship choice can't compare to how miserable I was there. I thought I would miss him after I'd gone. I thought there would be some tears and misery over the good parts of what I left behind. I thought life would be a lot harder after I left. From the moment I stepped out of that house for the last time, all I've felt is relief.

outonalimb

If someone has to threaten suicide to get you to stay in a relationship with them...the threat of suicide is the least of your problems. This is emotional blackmail. My exah used to do the same to me. I stayed with him too long because I was afraid he would spiral deeper into his addiciton and maybe even kill himself if I left.

Like others said before me, don't let his emotional blackmail keep you stuck in an unhappy situation.

His continued sobriety does not rest on your shoulders. If it does, it isn't genuine and it won't last anyway. If he isn't staying clean for himself, he won't make it. It won't matter if you leave or stay. I truly believe this.

Have you tried any al anon meetings? I think you'd find them VERY helpful.

Glad you posted. Your definitely among people who 'get it' here.

Hugs...
mary