gowest

I have found it very interesting to see where my codependent habits come out, with other people who are not alcoholics.

I am spending some extended time with my mother this summer.
To get through it I repeat 400 times a day:
I am not responsible for my mother's happiness.

As it turns out, my most codependent relationship is with my mother.
She is not an alcoholic but most likely a garden variety narcissist with serious the glass if half-empty issues herself.

I am in my 40s and she is in her 70s and when I spend time with her I can get sucked backed into terribly annoying cycle of codependent habits.
She has always looked to others to make her happy. She never expresses what she wants, or if is asked, says "she doesn't care." When I can't guess correctly what is in her head, or what the rules are, she pouts and makes me feel that her unhappiness is all my fault.
If I was a "better" daughter, she would be happy.
If I could guess what she wanted with out her saying it, she would be happy.
If I wanted to do the same exact things that she wanted, every second of every day, she would be happy.
Sorry mom but when it is beautiful outside, I will have my coffee on the porch, not in the dark house in front of the tv.

I'd like to share the "lightbulb" moment I had with her a few years ago.
I was visiting her with one of my daughters who was probably 9 or 10 at the time. It was summer and raspberries were on the bushes both at her house and the local farm stand. Her blackberries were not out yet.
My daughter and i stopped at a farm stand to get lettuce. There were raspberries. There were blackberries. Yummy yummy yummy.
We bought 2 containers of blackberries and my child asked if we could also get a container of raspberries.
I said "Of course, but only if we eat all the raspberries in the car before we get home to grandma. She will be mad that we bought other raspberries and didn't eat the ones from her garden"
I know, it is bad, but wait it gets worse!!
We happily scarfed down the box of raspberries except the one lone raspberry that fell into the blackberry container.

When we returned to my mother's house I handed her the lettuce and blackberries.
Just as I had predicted, my mother upon seeing the one lone raspberry in the container "HOW could you BUY raspberries when I have them HERE!!!!!"
Me: "We didn't one must have just fallen into the box."

YUP
I LIED.
I LIED IN FRONT OF MY CHILD TO KEEP MY MOTHER HAPPY.
ABOUT a $2.00 BOX OF RASPBERRIES

You can only imagine what happens around the big issues!

The second the words were out of my mouth I regretted them. I was teaching my daughter one of the worst habits imaginable.
I took my daughter aside and told her that I had made a mistake.
I lied and lying was never good.
I asked her to please never lie to me to make me happy.
To tell the truth, her truth, even if it made me uncomfortable.
I asked her to tell me if my reaction to her truth seemed out of proportion.
I apologized to her for setting such a bad example.

I have never forgotten that day.
Still many years later I struggle when I am with my mother.
Don't get me wrong I love her but I will not dance this dance with her.
Thanks for letting me share.

Freedom1990

You could have been talking about my mother! She hinges her reality, her happiness, off of others, especially both of us kids.

I'm blessed as I live about 90 miles from her, and she doesn't visit, nor do I.

We all try to get together every month or two, meeting in a city halfway where we eat, see a movie, and often an IMAX feature at the Cosmosphere.

So our interaction is limited. We all go our separate ways after we're done.

It is frustrating to say the least at times, and I think I'm sad more than anything else my mom will go to her grave never really having any recovery for herself.

Sending you hugs of support!

wellnowwhat

We might be sisters!

My mother wouldn't develop any interests outside of family and would rely solely on her immediate family for her happiness.

My sister especially would try very hard to be the good daughter and shop with her, have her over, arrange to have chores etc. done to lighten her load, entertain her with things she knew our mother liked, even travel with her. The sad part was that my mother, when she would visit me (I lived far away), would not even mention my sister, or her efforts. She would only talk, glowingly, about my brothers - one of who had ignored her for years - mentioning any little (and I do mean little) effort they had made. I've never told my sister this. It would crush her.

dollydo

That's my mom, she must be your mom's twin!

I sure do understand, I could never spend an extended amount of time with my mother, all heck would break loose!

It's so difficult to be in the situation that you are in, I am sorry.

roxiestone

And we all wonder how we ended up with alcoholics

Seriously, I can completely, completely relate. It is this base relationship that is the core of my codie/al-anon behaviors.

I would like to take this moment to publicly thank my XABF for moving me into recovery. The greatest recovery has been in my relationship with my Mother. After years of being resentful, pleasing, pleading, every-single-position on the drama triangle, I am finally (today at least) experiencing soom recovery and I am 50 darned years old!

And if I look honestly, a good deal of my behaviors just became habits - she no longer even had to tell me to jump, I was already doing it.

Great post and wonderful reminder.

chloe214

Thanks for your post! I was just in the middle of emailing my mother to try to explain why I have not been responding to her calls/emails. I have been working on detachment. I will be using your mantra from now on. Perfect timing and just what I needed!!!!

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY MOTHER'S HAPPINESS!

GettingBy

Yeah, lying to people-please... that was a staple in my home growing up too! I learned to hide the ugly with a prettier, nicer lie so that Mom and Dad wouldn't get upset, angry, dissappointed with me.

It's bizarre because I do it now with my AH... telling half-truths (which are really just plain old lies!!!) because I don't want to hurt him, upset him, etc.

Al-anon is helping me learn how to stand up for myself. To tell the truth (in a kind and loving way!) so that I feel better about ME... and not worry about how it might make the other person feel!

I had a perfect opportunity yesterday/today in fact... I am having surgery on my back today. My AH wanted to drive me there/back... but he has a very busy schedule at work today. Lots of stress for him. I said, "I think it's best for me to have my girlfriend take me there/back. I don't want you there, stressed out, texting/talking on your phone. It won't be healthy for me." I was soooo scared to say it - but I HAD to. I HAD to stand up for me. I KNOW him. I know that he wouldn't be any good to me today. He'd be preoccupied with his work and that would be no good for me. He fought me at first and said, "Oh no. I'm your HUSBAND. I will be there." I could have lied and said, "Okay!" and play into his ego/pride, but I didn't I said, "I need calm and peace today. I do not need to have you in/out of the room on your phone/texting." And then... I let go, and let god. I had planted the seed and there was no need to fight. I made my needs/wants clear. And lo and behold, earlier this morning he called and said, "You're right. I just can't do it all today. I'm too stressed and I can't take care of you this afternoon but I will be home right after work. I'm sorry I won't be there for you."

I did my job... I stood up for me, and it felt good. My best friend is going to take me... and all will be well.

So for me... I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY HUSBAND HAPPINESS/PRIDE/EGO!!!!

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

m1k3

EGO, what a nasty word.

My AW's insisted that I was responsible for her happiness and mine thought I should be able to make her happy.

Dam, we were both wrong there.

At least now I know better.

Your friend,

GettingBy

Amen Mike!!!

My disease... is an overactive sense of responsibility!!!! I feel responsible for soooo many things... things that are NONE OF MY BUSINESS!!! Ack! But it's so hard to let that go. My need to control, to solve, to manage. My disease is sneaky - I don't realize that I'm trying to control things until that little knot in my stomach tells me, "Psst, hey, you're over stepping your boundaries!! That right there - it's none of your business! Get back to taking care of Numero Uno!!"

What people think/feel?!? None of my business. I can't control it. If taking care of me upsets them or makes them feel bad about themselves? Not my problem. Not my job to sacrifice my needs to make them feel happy. If they forget to do something, not my job to do it for them.

It feels good to live and let live, doesn't it?!?!

Impurrfect

My stepmom is the same way, except that it seems she's so drowning in depression and codie-ness that she can't see much happiness in anything.

It took forever, me trying to make her see that she is WORTH having a good life (not gonna work). I finally got to the point where I'd tell her, while she was hinting around, or saying "you probably don't want to do this.." JUST ASK ME! I told her I can't make her feel better about herself, I'm going to quit trying, but I do love her.

We live in the same house, and the house seems to have all the life sucked out of it, but I keep working my recovery, have my safe haven in my room (with my cats ) and tell myself, basically the same thing...I can't make her feel better about herself, it's not up to me to even try. She's told me she's willing herself to die. I told her how much that hurt me and others, "I love you", gave her a hug and walked away. NOT easy, but I'm not powerful enough to "cure her".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MeredithD1

"Your mother could make a 'mother' out of anyone..." From the movie POSTCARDS from the EDGE

StarCat

...you're right! I'm not!

This is the sort of thing that consciously I always knew, but subconsciously never truly believed. Thank you for pointing it out to me.
I remember one time when I was in college, my mother coming to my room to "apologize for yelling at me" (a.k.a. "yell at me some more" / I'm-sorry-but-syndrome), and there's one thing she said that really stood out to me, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forget.

I'm sorry, but I resent the opportunities that you have, that I didn't get.


My whole childhood it seems was spent trying to please people who were determined to be unhappy, blame it upon me, and then hold it against me when I'm not happy because "look at all the opportunities you've had, how can you be so ungrateful?" I've been the scapegoat for other people's resentments, and its no wonder I ended up with XABF - it wasn't healthy, but it was certainly what I was used to, minus the actual "consuming brain-altering substances" part.


How sad is that? My mother acted like that sober.
I have attempted to talk to her about my feelings with all of this, which only cues her gaslighting attempts. I can have a conversation with my mother, I just have to limit it to what she's doing, state that I'm doing well (if she asks), and switch the conversation to the weather.

LexieCat

It's so great, isn't it, that the recovery we get from dealing with alcoholics can work so well when dealing with other difficult people in our lives?

Great shares in this thread!

TakingCharge999

LOL... thanks for the laugh!!!

I identify with most posts. My mom is the same way.

Huge lesson recently when she told me she has had offers to be a model, they even approached her from Vogue, and she always said No, when she was in her 30s.

Now she said she would like to have some pics taken - she is 62...


OMG ... oh well, no wonder I made XABF all that ever was in my life!! I gave him the power and made him responsible of my happiness.

Its very difficult and ugly to accept my side of things.



Anyway that was then. Now I am different YAY!




Impurrfect I am going to need to live with my mom again, and have my own heaven in my room with my cats, too. This is not optimal but I am not saving any money renting, I am losing and I need to save for my masters degree.

Therapist says its not worth risking my recovery but hey I can work from my room, go to the gym in the afternoon, and do my own thing during the weekend... or spend time with her but, also like 2-3 hours at most.

This is very sad, for me to see my mom, no interest at all in her looks, untreated health issues. She could look and feel so wonderful but she doesn't feel she is worth it. Never had a partner again, nor even a male friend, in 30 years.



GREAT mantra, thank you for this reminder.

gowest

This is so interesting. My mom doesn't have health issues and looks amazing for being in her 70s. My father died over 15 years ago and my mom refuses to even attempt to connect with anybody (gets angry about it in fact), yet complains of loneliness.

If she was happy in her singledom, like one of her good friends, I wouldn't think twice about it.

I have spent so much of my life just doing "the opposite" of what she does, just to ensure that I don't become like her.

This of course, has some benefits but also comes with its own set of problems.

The benefit has been in general I attempt things I am afraid of doing. I still have a lot of fear, I don't think you can grow up in a household with a parent like that and not end up incredibly fearful, but I often have just "taken the plunge".

The biggest negative I can discern is: How am I supposed to know who I am, if all I've ever tried to be is not "somebody else".

Thanks for all the great replies everybody. Keep them coming!!

bluebaileykeys

Hello, I have to respond. I am really struggling with my mom right now and it sounds like you and I have very similar mothers. My mom's life is out of control - I don't think she's addicted to alcohol like I was - she's addicted to my addict brother. Her life is spiraling and and I simultaneously want to run from her and towards her. My therapist has me "sit with my feelings" when I get stirred up about her. It's blown my mind that I can't put my finger on where the feeling is within my body. I am not responsible for my mother's happiness - yes, that's true. The other thing that scares the hell out of me is I don't want to be like her. I look like her but I don't want to be like her inside.

CentralOhioDad

Hi, Bailey, and welcome!

You may not have noticed that this thread was from 2011, the original poster of this thread I don't believe hangs around anymore.

Why don't you start your own thread, and people can jump in!

Glad you found us!

COD