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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
p.s.
Yeah the avoidance thing for him is huge. I guess I figured that being in the program and working so hard that he would be more 'progressed' in his step work but what do I know. Regardless of the 'us', he isn't handling even communicating with me as a friend well at all and that hurts too.
Yep, these things take time.
Yeah the avoidance thing for him is huge. I guess I figured that being in the program and working so hard that he would be more 'progressed' in his step work but what do I know. Regardless of the 'us', he isn't handling even communicating with me as a friend well at all and that hurts too.
Yep, these things take time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Did HE "hook you back in" or is it your own head that's hooking you back in?
Think about it--your complaint really is that he hasn't been communicating with you. So he isn't manipulating you--it seems to me that it's your own expectations/hopes/fears that are.
Be careful of the all-or-none thinking. You certainly DID have a relationship, even if it wasn't the one that you thought you had. You had one in mind when he went into the rehab. Maybe it was mostly based on hope, or what you saw in him under the surface of the alcohol. Nevertheless, it's important to acknowledge, I think, that there was something there. You don't have to discount it entirely, and it's probably best that you don't.
Keep working on babyblue. You are a loving person who has a lot to offer the world, yourself, and eventually a partner--whether it is this guy or someone else. Remember, it all doesn't have to be resolved overnight, and it's something that needs to be digested and understood if you are not to continue to tote around a ton of baggage as you move forward.
Think about it--your complaint really is that he hasn't been communicating with you. So he isn't manipulating you--it seems to me that it's your own expectations/hopes/fears that are.
Be careful of the all-or-none thinking. You certainly DID have a relationship, even if it wasn't the one that you thought you had. You had one in mind when he went into the rehab. Maybe it was mostly based on hope, or what you saw in him under the surface of the alcohol. Nevertheless, it's important to acknowledge, I think, that there was something there. You don't have to discount it entirely, and it's probably best that you don't.
Keep working on babyblue. You are a loving person who has a lot to offer the world, yourself, and eventually a partner--whether it is this guy or someone else. Remember, it all doesn't have to be resolved overnight, and it's something that needs to be digested and understood if you are not to continue to tote around a ton of baggage as you move forward.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well BB, Lexie makes some excellent points.
You have been asking these same questions with different words since you joined. And all you are doing is going around in circles and driving yourself into a frenzy.
Instead of 'trying' to get answers from a person who cannot give you an answer at this time, why not work on you? That is what Alanon is for. Not only does it help us dig into ourselves and look at our own actions in regard to the A's in our life, but helps us with interacting with ALL folks that come and go in our lives.
Please, go to Alanon, continue with your counselor and put this gentleman on the back burner. Someday you may or may not get your answers from him, if he continues to work on HIS recovery.
Now it is time for you to work on YOUR recovery and YOUR expectations of both yourself and of others.
As you continue to delve into you, please continue to post, not only to let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much, but to ask the questions that are troubling you. There is a great wealth of Wisdom, Experience, Strength and Hope here from those who have gone before you.
We help each other over the 'stumbling blocks' of life.
Love and hugs,
You have been asking these same questions with different words since you joined. And all you are doing is going around in circles and driving yourself into a frenzy.
Instead of 'trying' to get answers from a person who cannot give you an answer at this time, why not work on you? That is what Alanon is for. Not only does it help us dig into ourselves and look at our own actions in regard to the A's in our life, but helps us with interacting with ALL folks that come and go in our lives.
Please, go to Alanon, continue with your counselor and put this gentleman on the back burner. Someday you may or may not get your answers from him, if he continues to work on HIS recovery.
Now it is time for you to work on YOUR recovery and YOUR expectations of both yourself and of others.
As you continue to delve into you, please continue to post, not only to let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much, but to ask the questions that are troubling you. There is a great wealth of Wisdom, Experience, Strength and Hope here from those who have gone before you.
We help each other over the 'stumbling blocks' of life.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
BB, I have no experience to share with you about my AW in recovery, but I want to step in and repeat what the others have been saying about al-anon. This is a very good opportunity for you to work on your own recovery. Anybody who has been in a long term relationship with an A has various amounts of scar tissue and open wounds. Take some time to heal yourself. Once you have the tools and are starting to get comfortable using them then you can revisit this issue.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Egg isn't hatched yet I think. Just a few cracks. It did occur to me that he has some type of deeper intimacy issues. Maintaining most deeper connections are a challenge for him. I should have seen this coming, well I actually did but I wanted to see how this rehab stint worked out.
When he got sober we were doing well but maybe he felt too codependent upon me so had to pull way back. Either way, you folks are all correct. Have always been. I'm putting this egg back, I don't think it is fully hatched even. In the meantime, I was laid up at home with health stuff these few weeks so that means plenty of time to ruminate!
p.s. Lexie: You seem to speak closer to my mind and heart so I really appreciate your insight. Ive been working on my 'cognitive distortions' and those get me into lots of trouble. Hard to change our thought patterns but I have been really making an effort with therapy and reading.
A counselor recommended this book to my group:
Feeling Good: the new mood therapy by Dr. David Burns
and the Feeling Good Handbook by the same author. I've some excerpts and it is very helpful.
I have been told very directly that I need to make my life about ME first and stop taking care of others needs before my own.
When he got sober we were doing well but maybe he felt too codependent upon me so had to pull way back. Either way, you folks are all correct. Have always been. I'm putting this egg back, I don't think it is fully hatched even. In the meantime, I was laid up at home with health stuff these few weeks so that means plenty of time to ruminate!
p.s. Lexie: You seem to speak closer to my mind and heart so I really appreciate your insight. Ive been working on my 'cognitive distortions' and those get me into lots of trouble. Hard to change our thought patterns but I have been really making an effort with therapy and reading.
A counselor recommended this book to my group:
Feeling Good: the new mood therapy by Dr. David Burns
and the Feeling Good Handbook by the same author. I've some excerpts and it is very helpful.
I have been told very directly that I need to make my life about ME first and stop taking care of others needs before my own.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Love those books. Tried to get my son to look at them. I think he would benefit greatly from cognitive therapy.
You'll get there--it takes time. Keep doing the work. Keep using the CBT tools (along with the Al-Anon ones).
You'll get there--it takes time. Keep doing the work. Keep using the CBT tools (along with the Al-Anon ones).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'm doing much better today. Realizing that he isn't and cannot be there for me. It hurts a lot. But the sooner I accept it, the easier my own recovery will be.
I deserve so much better.
You've all been so supportive and helpful.
Today I had therapy so I feel much stronger!
Onwards and upwards!
I deserve so much better.
You've all been so supportive and helpful.
Today I had therapy so I feel much stronger!
Onwards and upwards!
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