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Craving contact during No Contact

Old 07-18-2011, 11:45 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
2) it changes his personality. He's not the same man that I fell in love with. He's not mean or abusive. He has always been very good to me and my son. I can't put my finger on it but I know it bothered me.
Maybe he had not been mean or abusive - yet.
Alcohol use goes hand in hand with violence.

I believe people without unresolved internal issues don't have a change in personality, even if they are very drunk. Like me, for instance, not that I get drunk these days but I would never insult anyone regardless of how sober or drunk I am. Its just not me.

I also believe it is not that alcohol changes people but in the case of an alcoholic, alcohol makes the person show their true hurting selves, they no longer have a mask to lure others and hide what they don't want others to see about themselves.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
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Old 07-19-2011, 04:57 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by blueblooms14 View Post
I think Roxie makes a very important point here. It's that person that was bad for me, not just the mean, dishonest, exploitative parts. It's the whole package.

I'm more repulsed by the "good, kind, loving" times or behaviors because they ARE the sugar pill, the lure, the part that kept me in and kept me from staying strong and confident in my perception of reality. It's like Lundy Bancroft describes- the sugar and sweetness is a necessary part of the whole destructive package, which itself imbalances me in its whipsaw effect. The sugar/sweetness blinds me- that's the drug that leads me to ignore, forget, or whitewash the nasty, dishonest, exploitative things XABF did. In retrospect the sweetness is even more repulsive and insidious to me than the nasty was, because the good was the drug I swallowed to blot out reality.

I have a lifelong history of this traumatic bonding process, since I was about 3, so there is a lot of retraining to do.
WoW, thank you blue for posting this. I never thought of the sweet side as the drug I was addicted to. That really hit home.

As Cyranoak posted one time. Jekyll and Hyde are a package deal. You can't get one without the other.

What has worked best with me since I left my AW has been focusing on me and working my recovery. I have discovered that recovery is work, its not just something that happens, at least with me. I have started journaling also. Sometimes just putting my thoughts and feelings on paper has a huge healing effect. I have posted here a lot for the short time I've been here and have started attending Al-anon. I have found that focusing on me and sharing my experiences has been just what I needed to improve me.

PS, it gets very much better.

Your friend,
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:48 AM
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At the meeting I went to last night someone said somthing so profound to me that i thought about it all night. "For one entire year after the addition is stopped, DO NOT believe anything they say (don't take thier word for fact) about ANYTHING, and the answer to what they want is always NO." I went no contact a few weeks ago as well because the manipulation was too hard for me to take while beginning my own Codie recovery. I know most times he doesn't purposly lie, hide things, tell me what i need to hear even when its not true, ect., its just what happens with him. He loves me, there is no dout about that, however, I know in my heart that it will be years, if ever, that his addictive behaviors - weather actively using or not - will cease. He has showed up at my house 2 times in the last month. The first I'm sure not sober.This past week I can't say for sure. The manipulative behavior was still present. Hearing that last night hit hard because of this. It will be a very long time before a lifetime of behavior can be totally changed - on my part as a Codie, on on his, who is also an addicted codie. Our reactions remained the same to each other allthough much softer this time because the whole time I reminded myself to stay with MY recovery process. I've cried every day since and embrace my tears because I know that feeling even the yucky feelings is part of MY healing. Someday I may be able to be around him, and who knows if we will ever will reconect, but it will be as two changed people, Both well ahead in our own recoveries as better people. I have found new hope in my program and will make it a lifetime of progress. Many people have said "it works if you work it" and "not one person fails when they follow the program and steps". I see people who have peace in thier eyes and know that this is possible for me too. No contact is soooooo hard on so many levels, but I remind myself of the look in thier peacful, understanding eyes and I want that as much as I want things to be "ok". I have to remind myself of all of this MANY times EVERY day still. Its funny how things like this thread sometimes show up just when its what I needed to hear. Thank you all for your wisdom and encouragment. I needed it badly this week. You are not alone, HWSM, their are many of us. Blessings to us all in our journey!
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Old 07-19-2011, 12:54 PM
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Sometimes I just feel like a small, wounded child and cry. I don't want closure. I want him. I miss him so much.

I soooo appreciate all your support. I really do. Maybe it'll sink in someday.
:ghug3
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Old 07-19-2011, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post

I love life now even when it sucks often. You will love life once again I am sure. All this will be a passing memory. All this will bring you thoughts like "OMG, I am so glad all that is over". Remember, I am you 2 years later so you have to believe me. Believe me!!
Truly, I thank you. I'm trying. I'm just still not sure what it is that I want.
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Old 07-19-2011, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
Sometimes I just feel like a small, wounded child and cry. I don't want closure. I want him. I miss him so much.
I know what you are saying there are times I just start crying for no apparent reason. When my divorce comes I know it will be very difficult to have no contact with him, he's not someone to be ignored and very persistent. He keeps asking me how did we get to this place where we're at and I can only answer him that the alcohol took over him, sad for the both of us.
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Old 07-19-2011, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by fedup3 View Post
I know what you are saying there are times I just start crying for no apparent reason. When my divorce comes I know it will be very difficult to have no contact with him, he's not someone to be ignored and very persistent. He keeps asking me how did we get to this place where we're at and I can only answer him that the alcohol took over him, sad for the both of us.
I feel your pain. It is very sad to think that someone could give up so very much for something so little. I can't think of anything that he would have asked me to do for the sake of our relationship, that I would have said no. I only wish he could see that I only wanted the best for him because I cared so much; not because I was trying to control or change him.

Sometimes it hits me like a tidal wave. The tears. I'm checking my phone for texts all the time and there are none. No emails, no messages or anything. I mean, I guess that's what no-contact is all about. Still, I miss them.

I went out and bought the Codependent No More book this evening.

I might try to go to the meeting tomorrow night. I don't know if I'm ready.

Thank you and hugs - -
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Old 07-19-2011, 04:06 PM
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I am sorry you hurting, hwsm. I know how hard it is to be away from someone you really care about, and not knowing how they are doing makes it much worse. It definitely does so for me. Knowing the person is ok doesn't make me miss them any less, but it seems easier somehow. I hope that even without hearing from him, that it gets easier for you every day.
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Old 07-20-2011, 08:33 AM
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It's probably best I don't hear from him anyway. I kinda feel like he either really doesn't care about my feelings and how I'm doing. Or, he's just too f**ed up to care.

I started the book. There's a meeting tonight nearby. I'm going to try to go, even if I can't speak. I probably will just sit and cry....and listen. I can hopefully read some more tonight. I have two papers due for (of all things) an Ethics class that I am taking. Strange, huh? Topics like the difference between taking care of ......vs.....caring for. People that depend on us.......Doing what's best for the community. Lol

Thank you my friends for your support. Helps a ton.

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Old 07-20-2011, 09:28 AM
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Some in another tread wrote that going no contact for a codie is like detox for an addict.

We're both going through withdrawal.


Please try the al-anon meetings. You may want to visit more than 1. I visited 4 before I found the one that was the best fit for me.

BTW, don't be scared or nervous. They are there for the same reasons you are and really will understand what's going on in your life.


Your friend,
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Old 07-21-2011, 01:19 AM
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How are you today hwsm???
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Old 07-21-2011, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
How are you today hwsm???

Better! :ghug3
Got some good sleep (finally) and was able to eat something without it tasting like cardboard, lol. Still no contact. Still wondering. Still a little confused and probably wishy-washy, but better. Keeping busy getting ready for vacation and writing for my Ethics class (which I LOVE).

I still think about him a lot, but I think about the man that I loved and not the man I found out that he really was.

I will honestly say that I have not given up hope, but I am grasping the concept of taking care of me and looking forward to that!

I can't thank you enough for encouraging me to take those first steps!

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Old 07-21-2011, 10:42 AM
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I still think about him a lot, but I think about the man that I loved and not the man I found out that he really was.
LOL, when I moved out I had more fights with her than I ever did. They were all just in my head though. For about 2 weeks it was a non-stop battle in my head. Thank god for SR and Al-anon.

Your friend,
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Old 07-21-2011, 12:39 PM
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There are many sides to a person and sometimes we see the best but when we see the worst, that is when we can tell how much we can take and put up with.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Missing people we once loved (or still love) is very normal and healthy. You are grieving a loss. It does get easier and I'm also trying to get out of my idealized version of someone vs the reality I have today.

Staying busy helps me, keeps my mind from spinning like a top.
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Old 07-22-2011, 08:14 AM
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Did you ever start to feel better, then someone says something, and out of the blue those feelings come back again?

I was so looking forward to this vacation and one of my girlfriends asked if my XABF was coming. She already knew the circumstances and that we had broken up. She says, "I was really hoping that he would come to his senses and come with us". I was okay until this morning when I woke up. I've got so much to do. Packing, cleaning, papers to write for class. But all I've been able to do is lay here and cry. My stomach hurts again.

The XABF and I took my son on this vacation last year. We had such a good time. We planned this trip months and months ago. I keep trying to fool myself, but D***mit! We were supposed to go together. We would get up early to watch the sunrise on the beach. Sit up late and watch thunderstorms over the ocean. He was my best friend and I miss him.

I'm trying to read the book and literature, but I miss him so much. I miss the companionship that we had. I miss holding hands. I miss his eyes and sense of humor.

I got what I wanted with the no-contact. I followed thru on my threat. I asked him not to bother me again and he hasn't. But honestly, that's not what I wanted. It was a threat. I know it doesn't work that way with alcoholics, but I really didn't mean it. I really just wanted him to stop. And now I just feel very alone and dumb.
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Old 07-22-2011, 08:40 AM
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Please don't think you are dumb. It is very normal to start feeling better and then have the blue feelings return. I have been on that roller coaster ride myself lately. Missing someone and missing all the good times you had with them is very hard. Perhaps there's something about this vacation plan that you can change, since the XABF will not be with you? Can you do something different once you get there, so that you will be making a new memory for you and your son? Sending strength!
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Old 07-22-2011, 02:20 PM
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I think everyone heals differently. I feel better but that is because I am facing some hard truths about the person I miss. When you hit that acceptance phase in loss, you will start to feel better. Sounds like you are still trying to swim upstream.

Right now you are hurting but in time you won't be and in time you'll have the answers whether or not you ever hear from him. I find anger constructive as well. Not festering resentful anger, but just that generalized feeling that the person hurt you. And they did.

p.s. I don't know how long you've been NC but you most likely will hear from him at some point. If he is actively drinking, his sense of time is very different than yours.
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Old 07-23-2011, 03:52 PM
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I just want to thank all of you for sharing your stories and feelings. I just broke up with my ABF of a year and a half two days ago. This forum helps a lot.

Maureen
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Old 07-24-2011, 12:33 AM
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"Take your time-'cause time is what it's gonna take- and one morning you'll awake and there'll be one less tear- and you'll heal- I know you will....."- CeCe Winans
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Old 07-24-2011, 12:40 AM
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I wrote down on a little piece of paper all the "bad, rotten, lowdown stuff" he had done and in the moments I missed him so bad I pulled it out and read it- oh no- not going to call that lying, selfish, abusive, drunk,---------blankedly blank, quacking, son of a gun today........I missed the potential of him- not who he had changed to be.....I missed the guy I had married-not who he had progressed/regressed to really BE ! Apply the steps- I am powerless over these feelings and my life feels unmanagable right now. God I am praying for your will for me right now and I'll let you have it. I TRUST you can handle it.God I know you can handle it. I'll go to a meeting. I'll call a recovering code friend. Eventually after many years of code slips I finally by God's grace realized it was hurting ME. I was blowing my serinity each day I let him run around my head rent free. I kept busy. I tried not to romanticize about what he was doing. (He was getting smashed-not getting into recovery). Work the program you wish he would work. Meeting makers make it. Pick up the 100 lb. phone. Think it all the way to the end- I will break contact- he'll be all mushy- I'll be all mushy- we will disagree on the substance abuse or some thing else- we will fight- hang up- feel bad- feel guilty for breaking no contact.
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