The experience of how far I've come
 

It's so easy to get stuck on how far I have yet to go.
But now and again, I get an opportunity to experience how far I have come.

I had one of those yesterday. It was too exhausting for me to want to relive and retell the story, but what's important for this post is this:

In the midst of the crisis, I no longer saw XAH as "the man I fell in love with and left everything for" or "the father of my children" or "an amazing person who has this awful disease that I wish I could help him with."

I saw him as someone who was hurting my children. No different than if he was a stranger harming them. And I was able to act accordingly, and support my children accordingly.

I also realized that I've moved on from intense hatred and really wanting him to be quartered by horses and then chopped up into little pieces and burned and stomped on and buried and then exhumed and stomped on some more and spat on to just being indifferent to him.

I know he's drinking again. It broke my heart when my daughter told me she hunts for and pours out his vodka. But it breaks my heart for her sake. I've moved so far away from him. And a year ago, I was so all sucked into the codie dance that I barely had any emotions of my own; I just had his.

So no matter how far I have yet to go -- and life is all about keeping on walking, right? -- I've come quite a ways. And I like the view from here.

Thanks for sharing this... and I am really sorry, as a mom too, to hear that whatever happened clearly was/is distressing to you bc of what it did to your kids...

My biggest fear at this point, knowing that we will be divorced sooner than later, is knowing that there will be times like those you describe where I have to see my kids being impacted by his illness and not be able to do a thing about it... I've yet to figure out how to give up "control" over wishing I could, well, control that aspect of divorce...

You have come a long way as you describe where you were and where you are-- that's inspiring! And hugs from afar for you and your kids....

:c029:

:You_Rock_