GettingBy

WTBH... This is a phenomenal thread. I'm right there with you girl. I'm grateful for you posting this as it helps me see where I am at and gives me great perspective and understanding on my feelings.

My AH said to me tonight... Albert Einstein said, "women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."

I wanted to say, "substitute codependents for women, and alcoholics for men... And then you have the truth." but I didn't bother. Either way, it's true.... We marry alcoholics hoping they sober up... And then realize that happiness lies within us... So WE change! That's the good stuff. Alcoholics want status quo... And then WE change... And the free ride is over for them.

I'm glad to see so much peace and serenity in your posts. You are doing amazing work on your recovery!!

Hugs to you girl!
Shannon

NewChapter

What an amazing thread--thanks everyone.

In my experience, the next step was to figure out why I was that girl at the beginning of the relationship all those years ago. Why did I fall for the charming, life of the party, "great guy" (just ask anyone)? I didn't have confidence in my own radar, wanted to see what I wanted to see, saw he was selfish but I knew I was "giving" enough for both of us and, as someone who wasn't noticed when she entered a room, LOVED being with someone who made such an entrance that I was noticed too! Because of various types of dysfunction in my family, I wasn't accustomed to being #1 in anyone's eyes, so didn't miss it in my relationship with XAH---at first.

It feels so good to be a healthy "me" finally, even at age 54. It's all so much more complicated than "he drinks too much."

Thanks to SR and others for help on this journey.

wanttobehealthy

Shannon- Wow, this is soooo true and describes AH and I to a T. He wants the old wallflower, codie, AH worshipper he married and I want the man I never had but who I told myself I would have once he realized I was good enough for him... HELLO SICK!

As for peace and serenity... I don't want to be misleading-- I'm very sad and not sure I feel all that peaceful. I'm reminding myself virtually every 5 min (he is who he is...) and reminding myself to not be angry/resentful. Sometimes I feel a lot better and more at peace than others. Other times, not as much... But either way, I am glad to be moving through the anger and focussing truly on me and owning that I created much if not all of the unhappiness I've felt for years...

I'm really grateful for all the responses and it helps me feel so much stronger and able to keep going fwd knowing that I'm not alone in going through this...

New Chapter- that's a great question.... why was I that girl at the start of the r/s? That piece I think I have a better handle on. I'll post more on that later-- have to get the girls ready for summer camp...

Have a good day all...

GettingBy

WTBH... I dont remember, do you go to al-anon? I have found it to be the greatest form of support ever. I go out to lunch every Friday with ladies from my home group... Their ESH outside the meeting has made a HUGE difference in my spirit and happiness. Listening to them and bouncing things off of them helps me realize how okay I am, and I'm not alone anymore. They love me more than I can even comprehend! Heck, I've only known them two months and I had two of them offer to drive me to surgery tomorrow, and letting me stay with them so they can help me change my dressings!! How freaking' cool is that?!?!

Any who... I am grateful for al-anon. It has saved my life.

Thanks,
Shannon

wanttobehealthy

I do have an al anon group I go to. There's only one meeting p week in my town and the next closest one isn't realistic to drive to. I get a lot out of it but the "make up" of the group is all parents of alcoholics except me. I have gotten a lot from all the folks there- it's a small group- but there's that connection that's lacking... I have a few close girlfriends who I talk to a lot but really would love to find an al anon group I felt a closer connection to. KWIM? I understand we all relate on a "we love an A" level but I'd really like to know others who I can talk to in face to face meetings who are doing this with young kids like me... I think as much as there are shared experiences we all have, it's different when it's a child vs a spouse etc... Neither is easier or harder-- just different experiences and this site is generally where I get my "connections" with those in similar ish experiences/places in life...

I am really glad for you that you have a great group and support in person particularly for your surgery-- that's really great... I hope surgery goes well.

GettingBy

That's a bummer there aren't more groups closer to you. I know exactly what you mean about the parents versus spouse thing! All the women I spend time with are spouses or ex-spouses of As - with children of varying ages! The people at the meeting who are parents - I have a hard time connecting/relating too.

I think you're doing great - I really do. You seemed to go silent for a while there... during which you had an amazing growth spurt! It's great to have you back

TakingCharge999

Ohh I also thought I was "low key" and "not a drama queen"

When in reality I was a doormat

I am so grateful that is the past now. And now I realize I am a woman. A human being. NEWSFLASH! lol

Some people don't like the new me, but that is not my problem. Better for me if they walk away as those people habitate a world I don't ever want to live in again...

WTBH you are growing so much

wanttobehealthy

Shannon- yeah I got quiet and took a break for a while bc I needed to just make some decisions and get out of my comfort/support zone for a while. I felt terrified and miserable and I made myself figure some things out... I didn't think I was relying too heavily on this site or other people but it turned out I was... I even took a break from talking to my sponsor so much... Just took time to be honest with me and well, it seems to have been necessary and good...

It's nice to hear that I'm not crazy for thinking that there is a difference for others too b/w parents vs spouses in al anon... I really do wish I had a group that sounds like yours-- it sounds so great... I am fortunate though to have good friends around here and one who I talk to on line regularly who I've been friends with for years and that's a blessing...

TC- Funny how what was "cool" and "low key" really was being a doormat and pretending our needs didn't exist... I just am sitting here shaking my head at myself and honestly really do feel badly for AH in many ways... He thought he had this perfect, enmeshed wife, the model that his mom had been with his dad and one day he woke up to me "demanding" I be treated as an equal and he didn't know what to do with it. It's not to say he couldn't have rallied and gotten healthier and wanted the same r/s I did but honestly, if I'd been in his shoes I'm sure I'd have been full of WTF is this thinking too...

I've made it very clear to him that who I am now is who I have always been-- I just never really showed it. He's talked a lot lately about remembering how great thigns were and believing we could get back to it and I've told him, sadly (crying in fact) that that's not ever going to happen bc the person I was pretending to be isn't who I am and I won't ever be that person again. I think he's grieving just as much as me the loss of what he thought would be...

LadyM

Wow. The original post and this one got me. I too have been waiting for my AH to "catch up" to me and "grow up" by accepting the responsibilities that comes as an adult. We've known each other since we were 16. I used to be so dependent of him. I have changed. He hasn't. I'm not happy because of me. My change. And he's the one who's left with a new person to live with. He always says that he's the same person he was when we met.... well I'm not and that's something I'm proud of. It's not fair that I expect him to handle all the changes in me with grace and acceptance.

I often hear how I don't laugh at his jokes anymore, how I'm not loving enough, not affectionate enough - How I "used to be so what happened?" My expectations have changed for me and what I want. I don't want to be treated like a door mat, I don't care if that makes him angry, I can live with him being angry with me - before I couldn't, I was too scared he'd leave me. Why was it so scary to want be treated well and expect him to be kind and loving instead of intimidating and fickle. I hid myself away so well that he never knew me .... I didn't know me. I'm learning me and love me. It's okay to love me even if he doesn't - that's a hard one. I want him to be proud of me, to love me ... for me. Not because I say what he wants to hear and do what he wants me to do. He respects that, but I'm not sure he loves the me I have become. His statements often contain "buts" - I'm glad you're standing up for yourself more, but .... I think it's great your doing stuff you want to do, but..... He is living with somebody new and I'm living with an irresponsible 'functional' alcoholic. All the signs were there, but we were so young. I didn't know he couldn't grow up.

Sorry for the ramble - lots has come up in my head from reading this. Thanks for the posts here, they have really opened my eyes

dancingnow

Realized in the last 6 months that my AH was probably an A or close to an A when I married him, although I wasn't really aware until 5 or so years after our 3rd child was born.

What I am realizing though is that I spent the last 15 years of marriage not recognizing and then denying that there was a problem and convincing myself that if AH just stopped drinking I would be happy.

Now that I have changed I realize that I was the only one keeping our relationship going. I used to tell myself that I was happy about everything else in my life, except for how AH and I got along but I kept trying to get along. Doing things that turned me into a non-person.

Where I am at now is still hoping AH will change and take on responsibility for his part in our relationship. Not sure why I keep holding on to this as he hasn't done this for the last 15 years and I think he just as soon accept the free ride is over and let it go without even trying.

Thanks WTBH for starting this post with your ESH and putting light on where you see your responsibilities lie.

It makes me realize I have a responsibility to myself to not go back to the person I pretended to be just so AH might be with me. If he is going to be with me, he needs to take responsibility for how his alcoholism has affected our relationship and I need to show him and he needs to see me for the person I truly am.

Just taking each next best step for me and hoping I come to the realization that this may never happen. At least I am clearer on my responsibilities and not wasting energy on making our marriage work.

My youngest is 10 and the kids are getting more and more independent. I am taking care of myself and am challenged at figuring out my next best step for working. It seems that I will continue working on my relationship with my kids (there was some damage in these past few years with my insanity) and improving my work situation and planning for my future but having a partner was always something I thought I would have in my life so I am not sure how much longer I will hold onto a marriage where I don't have a real partner. At 50 and with kids still at home I think it is just enough for me to let go of this relationship and come to terms with my life without a partner.

My eyes opened to so many parts of my life that are good and I am realizing how exhausting and how much energy is wasted in trying to make it work with AH. It seems that a good marriage would allow for people to change and grow with each other but in an A relationship other factors mask reality and set us up for not being our true selves or banging our heads against a wall if we want to make it work.

I too wish to find a meeting with more spouses of A and with kids. One meeting I go to is somewhat like that, although many are already grandmothers. Other meeting I go to is mostly ACOA and it is good in that I can see the affect the non-A may have on kids so helps me with that.

Sorry my post go long. I was thinking of cutting it out but I am going to still post it.

(((Hugs))) to everyone.

wanttobehealthy

Lady M- I I've heard the same things-- and I feel in those moments like "wait, I DO have a sense of humor, I DO feel love and AM affectionate" but I guess what's different is that I'm not offering those things to AH in the same way I did for so long... And that's bothersome to him-- not an indication that I am not in possession of those traits-- I just don't express them in the same way I did which is the way he still wants...

I guess in that sense he and I are a lot alike... we both wish the other would be something else... Sadly he still hopes I'll change and I'm accepting the fact that it's unfair and unreasonable that I expected and hoped and tried to make him change...