A letter to AW

Old 07-16-2011, 07:05 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
A letter to AW

hey guys.

Still struggling with where i am atwith my AW situation over the past few days.
She went into Detox today. i still havent seen or heard from here since last night but i know she went in and i am glad that she continued to go in.

I want to write her a letter while she is in, mainly because i still dont want to talk to her at this stage as i still need my time. but i thought i would get the opinion of the poeple here who i have learnt are here to help, I know that what ever they say i can take what i want and forget the rest.

anyway here it is.


I love you I really really do and i know that you love me.
I know that we were brought together by destiny and fate

the last few days before you went in to joslyns i simply got to the end of my rope and didnt know what to do or what to say.

I was hurt and had enough of the arguments, i know that you would have been good around the boys but it was also how i would have been around the boys and you that concerned me.

i needed some time to focus on what i wanted and needed.
im still working on that.

the idea of leaving while you were in Joslyn's had definatly crossed my mind several times and i was almost planning on doing that.

thats most of the reason that i didnt take your calls. i didnt want to say something with my head all over the place.

the last few days have been the hardest days of my life and i have broken down into tears that many times its not funny.

If we are going to make it then we need to work on ourselves. I want to be in a position where we are both happy as individuals so we can be tremedously happy as a couple, at the moment we are married but we are not happyily married.

I know that rehabilitation is going to take along time, most likley years. For me to stay I need a commitment from you regarding the alcohol i need to know that the life we had when you were drinking was at its worst will never happen again.

I need to feel that we can have our own lives and our life together at the same time, I have always felt that a good marraige is a life with someone that helps you grow and be yourself and accepts that, and you give the same to them.

Basically room to grow and support to grow and love to stay.

I need to know and see that you are working on you as well, so there are no more slips.

I want to grow old with someone that i love dearly, that i love so much it hurts.
i want to be with someone that is happy within themself or at least working on it.
I want to with someone that makes me happy and that i make happy.
i want to be with someone that i dont need for me to be happy and someone who doesnt need me for them to be happy.
I want to be with someone that loves me for me including my downfalls, someone that can work with me through problems in a way that works for both of us, including being able to give each other space when either of us may need it
I want to be trusted, respected, loved, comfortable, happy and secure.
I want happiness, love, compasion, respect, trust and security in my life and in my partner.
I want you to be the one that I have all these things with
Sharkbait is offline  
Old 07-16-2011, 08:24 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
No sugar coating opinions from this corner...sorry

My opinion and My opinion only is.....

Save it for some other day. She is an alcoholic and her mind has alot of
healing to do and detoxing. She is there to get help for her, not you!
They dont and cant think about what you want. They cant even take care
of themselves, thats why they are there.

Count how many "I's" you wrote in that letter...There is alot

It is about YOU and your recovery and it is about HER and her recovery

YOU need to work on YOU. and SHE needs to work on HER

Both of you need to heal, mentally, emotionally
Both of you need to educate yourselves
Both of you need space and time apart
Both of you are sick, You need alanon support groups to help you understand
your not alone, you can not fix her, you can not control her and you did not cause it

She needs to get sober and find her tools to get better

It is her choice to get better and stop drinking

It is your choice to get better and quit living in hell with an alcoholic
and learn to love yourself FIRST

Rehab is not a magic cure. It is only the 1st step to her recovery. And it might
not be the end to her drinking. They just give her tools. Just like Alanon gives
you tools. If you use them today or tomorrow, its your choice. Just like
it will be her choice to drink today or tomorrow.

Remember, she will always be an alcoholic. She might be a active or non-active
drinker when she gets out. She might go back & drink again in 6 months or 6 years
from today. Are you ready for that?....Soul search yourself and soul search your
life, wants and needs....It is about YOU, not her...

Read and read and EDUCATE yourself about alcoholics, hopefully you will understand
that writing the letter may be a waste of your time today.

Write it & Stick It Away, for you, to go back and read next month...
Keep a journal, it will help YOU alot more than you think it will

At this point, It's about YOU getting better without her
And it's it about HER getting better without you

Just my opinion from my experiance....
BobbyJ is offline  
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Old 07-16-2011, 08:55 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
m1k3's Avatar
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I have to agree with BobbyJ. You asked for my opinion so here it is.

That letter read like an ultimatum. For us to be together you (AW) must meet these conditions. There is a lot of codie in that letter.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

In my experience the only thing you can fix is yourself. I have been separated from my AW for 2 months and I am just beginning to be able to talk to her without falling back into my old destructive patterns.

It has taken me 2 months of separation and working my recovery to finally acknowledge that I am just as much to blame as she is in this whole mess of a marriage. I have serious work to do on me.

Focus on yourself and your kids. I don't know if you are going to al-anon or not but I have found it to be a lifesaver.

Your friend,
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