stepsforward

that is the question. I find myself wanting to tell my RAH how my recovery is going. He doesnt ask me. I know my recovery is my recovery, but he is my husband and I want to talk to him about it. He probably isnt interested in it. Why do I feel this way? Is it my controlling acting out? If I tell him how I am doing he has to stay sober. Mixed feels running around in my head today. Need to try to stay focused on myself - just need to put it out there

GettingBy

Here's a silly question... have you tried talking about it? How about trying first? Maybe he'd be willing to sit and listen. Maybe he won't. You don't know until you try. Maybe he'll listen to you but won't have much to say in return... who knows!

I know how much I love to talk about my recovery... my growth, and change... they feel so good TO ME. I would love to talk to anyone who will listen about it!!! Fact is though - lots of people don't care about my recovery as much as I do!! So, I've learned that if I want to have a meaningful conversation about it... I need to turn to my sponsor or other Al-anon pals!

Just a thought!

m1k3

stepsforward, very interesting dilemma. A couple of things run though my mind with this. Could there be some ego involved, perhaps comparing who is doing better in recovery? Second, would your telling him help your recovery at all?

Don't have any experience to share with this.

Your friend,

stepsforward

Help my recovery? I dont know I will have to think about this for awhile. Gettingby, I think I am scared he might not care that much when I have always been so interested in hearing about his recovery.

SoloMio

I think I'd try to be conservative on the sharing front. I remember when AH was in rehab, they said that we should pick a code word and then when discussion got too unstable, either person could invoke the code word and that would signify, "I don't feel comfortable talking about this."

I think that little trick emphasizes the fragility of the emotions of everyone involved during early-stage recovery.

Perhaps you could tell RAH that you would like to share your recovery with him, and just see what he says. If he seems threatened in any way, or disinterested, back off for a while.

He may not care about your recovery that much, that's true. So, just stay focused on you.

dollydo

I'd ask him...would you like to hear where I am in my recovery?

LifeRecovery

I struggled with this too!

Looking back I wanted a connection (not in a bad way). However I did not realize at the time that we could not speak the same language (I was in recovery, he was not). I am NOT saying not to try it just to let you know that I don't think it was not about my loved one caring...it was that I was using recovery jargon that he did not have a dictionary for.

I also struggled taking feedback from him at the time for the sames reasons. I think that part would be easier for me now.

Alone22

I have had a few light talks about Al-anon in general, but not specifics about my own recovery. He has given me the impression that he thinks Al-anon is some bashing session and I have tried to explain it is far from that. I'm not sure he is buying it based on our discussion tonight (see my new thread). If you feel the need to talk to your H about your recovery you may want to start by talking about a topic that was interesting to you and see what his response it. He maybe interested or he may not be, but it might be a easy way to test the waters on it.

LexieCat

In my experience, alcoholics in early recovery have no clue that the partners have anything to "recover" FROM. It's all about them. Which, when you think about it, is how it should be. They should not be worried about what we are doing, just as we shouldn't be stressing over what THEY are doing.

There will be time enough to share stuff about your individual recoveries as time goes on. I've learned much about the recovery process from my first husband (now sober 31 years), and he, in turn, learned a lot about detachment and letting go from me (which he needed when he was coping with the husband of his late mom concerning property that was left in trust for them).

With time, these discussions can enrich the recovery of both of you. But early recovery is not the time to be doing it, IMO.

wellnowwhat

Hello everyone, I'm new, although I've been reading SR for months.

My AH thought Al-Anon was an "A bashing" group and when I explained what the meetings were like and what we talked about (e.g. NOT him), I could see he felt real relief.

Now, he expresses remorse that he "caused me to need" Al-Anon. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty about going, but I do go and try to concentrate on what I'm feeling and what I need, not his guilt. He can wear his quilt like a shroud sometimes.

So, my recovery is mine. He wouldn't get it anyway.

Little bit of history: he's still drinking, daily. He's a quiet, secretive drinker. He's not physically abusive or verbally abusive. Most people, included close family don't know he's alcoholic because he's so secretive and has honed acting sober for 20 years. (And I've honed my super-sleuth abilities.) He is not interested in AA and has never been to a meeting. He says he attends weekly meetings available from the state when he got out of hospital after his only attempt to quit (seizures, concussion after he fell). I don't ask if he really attends. I wouldn't know whether to believe him. He's a kind, thoughtful man - but he's tied to his Vodka.

stepsforward

Thanks everyone. I think I am going to wait until I am in my recovery a little longer because if he isnt interested I have to be ready to accept that. I dont think I am ready for that yet. TIME

eaglette

I have to agree with LCat. My ABF and I were having a casual conversation about something a week or so ago, and he mentioned that he called his friend one day for support. Without thinking about it, I mentioned that I had called my friend, who happens to be his friend's GF, for support too. It blew his mind because he had no idea that I needed support for myself too.

yorkiegirl

I was sharing with my RAH about being an ACOA just yesterday & he just couldn't understand why I would have any issues from a "charmed childhood." He has also said to me when I have told him I wanted to go to a meeting, "I won't drink if you are worried." For him, "my issues," are his addiction/recovery. And the really nice thing is that it no longer is. It's really about me.

I used to think, "Now that he is in recovery, we can 'speak the same language ' & have some important things in common. Maybe, we can even be speakers together at a joint meeting?" I realize we are in different places in our recoveries. It just doesn' matter. He is working his recovery & I will work my recovery. In order for our relationship to work, that's what seems to matter right now. One day, if we can talk about it, fine. If not, I am fine with that too. (It feels liberating to feel this way). For now, my recovery is none of his business.

m1k3

So far the only things about recovery I have shared with my wife has been some information on secular versions of the 12 steps and serenity prayer. I know she has been struggling with that and I saw no problem with passing the information along.

Tuffgirl

My experience with "sharing" is that its hard when we have different interpretations of something...hard for my RAH, that is. He still struggles with me having my own opinion and being able to accept it as mine, when past history has shown that he views differing opinions as being "wrong", and his opinions are "right". I imagine this will take some time for him to let go of that mindset.

So I only share something when I am asked directly, and I let my actions speak for me instead.

wanttobehealthy

My 2 cents is that I think it's likely whatever you say he may hear as you saying he's to blame and you're better than him. I know that's not what you'd say or what you think I'm sure but I tried for a while to talk to my AH about things I was figuring out in recovery (my business and my flaws) and honestly no matter how I talked about it one of two things happened:

1) he took it all as a veiled criticism of him and raged at me eventually

OR

2) he stored what I shared and used it nastily as ammunition during verbal assaults...

My T told me many many many times quite bluntly that to protect oneself you have to keep some things under wraps and share deeply personal stuff only with those who you know you can a) trust b) have shared values etc.... I didn't believe him or didn't want to- after all, it was my H afterall that I was wanting to share with. My thinking was that of course he'd be interested in my talking about getting healthier bc it was something we were mutually interested in... All that happened each time is that when I "exposed" any part of myself that made me vulnerable he found a way to use it to hurt me later...

I may be cynical but I'd hesitate for now to share anything personal that is emotional within you with him...

returntonormal

Exactly. This is precisely what happens to me. Initially, I felt very guilty about "keeping my recovery" from him...worried that we'd grow apart. After some time, I'm relieved I have kept it mine, because it gives me the freedom to grow as I need to and want to without "advice". Also, I don't think it creates distance, so much as it reflect distance that already exists. I can't share so that we're on the same page, when we aren't even reading the same book!