HowIWonder

Hi,

I posted this in the newcomer section as well, but this section seemed to be appropriate, and I have added a little bit to it. I am going to be married soon. My fiance and I have a healthy, communicative relationship. He has gone through severe depression and alcoholism but is addressing both. He has been sober for three years and is in therapy. His mother is bi-polar. My father has a history of depression, but I have no history of addictions or depression. My fiance and I have discussed having children. However, he is afraid of what he might pass on to our kids, such as propensity to addiction and vulnerability to depression. Does anyone have any advice you might give to us? I have thought for a while that I could be happy with adopting, but I'm just not sure anymore. This is not something I want to make or break our relationship, but I don't want to rule out the possibility of having children just yet. I was hoping that some folks here might have wise words to share.

Thanks,
HowIWonder

lillamy

Before I met my AXH, I was madly in love with a man who I knew could not father children. It didn't matter to me. I would have married him anyway.

The question you're asking, in my mind, has little or nothing to do with addiction and mental illness. What I hear you asking is whether it's OK to not marry this man.

It is.

Here's the thing: If you were certain that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this man, children or not wouldn't matter. When you're saying your will to have biological children might be more important than marrying him -- you're choosing a person you have not yet met (a child) over a person you have met (the man you're planning on marrying).

As for whether or not to have children with the "baggage" you have -- there's huge discrepancy in reports on how hereditary mental illness and addiction tendency is. I think every family has both occurring somewhere.

And besides -- there are never any guarantees with children, you know? You can have a spotless family history, medically, and have a child with a chromosome difference or another medical challenge.

I guess what it comes down to is, there's never any guarantees in life -- and we all can only make the decision we feel are best based on the information we have available at the time of decision-making.

(It's also possible that you might be freaking out a bit before making this big commitment... Whether or not that's a freakout you should listen to, and reconsider -- that's something only you know...)