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Why do so many women find my STBXAH appealing?1?!

Old 07-14-2011, 06:23 PM
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Why do so many women find my STBXAH appealing?1?!

I guess this shouldn't even bother me anymore, but since my STBXAH is the father of my children, it does.

It seems that although he is penniless and jobless and completely irrational, my STBXAH is still handsome and charming enough that he somehow has a way with the ladies. A few months ago I went no contact with him and was hoping that would help him hit rock bottom. I have heard through the grapevine though that there seems to be a long line of desperate, needy women there to enable him like crazy! He had a friend from high school who drove him around for months and even picked him up from a rehab three states away when he called her and asked for a ride home. He also met another woman at a detox center and got kicked out of the detox center for having sex with her there (I guess the supervision there was pretty poor)! It's just amazing to me that even in his state he seems to be quite the ladies' man.

I am, in a way, glad he is keeping busy to some extent and not leaving me 20 voicemails a day like he used to (we are down to two or three crying and disjointed voicemails a day), but frustrated because it seems like he will never hit bottom. I want him to hit a bottom so badly that is not death. I grew up without a father and I am sad that it seems like my kids are going to suffer the same fate. I never imagined that for them. He was a great dad a few years ago. That is the one part I am having a hard time dealing with.

So, trying to detach but still involved somehow...
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:30 PM
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There is no shortage of women who are ready to step in and take over the task of enabling alcholics, it seems. Just as you can't force him to quit drinking, you can't force him to hit bottom. All you can do is to step out of the insanity, yourself. What happens to him and to his "suitors" is their problem.
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:59 PM
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Many times women are intoxicated by a mans attention, they are swept off their feet. All that means is that these women are not grounded, they do not have their feet planted firmly on the ground. Added to that alcoholics/addicts have an uncanny ability to read women, and entice those who are needy and vulnerable.

So, finding a woman is easy, keeping one is another story!

You are awfulizing and projecting into the future, your ex may live to be 70, there is no way to know.

Enjoy your life and your children, let him go. All this thinking about him is unhealthy for you, your peace of mind.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:38 PM
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My AH reminds me constantly how many women love him. He is extremely disarming, and everyone just gets taken in. Sounds like your STBXAH is the same way. Some of these guys are like the big enticing box on Let's Make a Deal, where after you've bought it, Monty Hall opens the box and all that's there is a turkey.

You gotta let it go.
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:09 PM
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Because so many women are codependant and/or controlling "savers" who have actually bought into the idea that you can love somebody into becoming a "better" person.

Victims of books, movies, music, and Hallmark cards. Too bad none of that **** has a damned thing to do with real life or life with an alcoholic or addict.

Cyranoak

P.s. Women don't own the franchise on this. There are just as many men with the exact same issue.
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
Because so many women are codependant and/or controlling "savers" who have actually bought into the idea that you can love somebody into becoming a "better" person.

Victims of books, movies, music, and Hallmark cards. Too bad none of that **** has a damned thing to do with real life or life with an alcoholic or addict.

Cyranoak

P.s. Women don't own the franchise on this. There are just as many men with the exact same issue.
My thoughts exactly..."the love of a good woman" syndrome.

That said, "the knight in shining armor" is equally rampant. Darn fairy tales!
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:15 PM
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Ladybug, I felt that way too about my RAH but just remember...he hasn't done the work and he is not miraculously fixed by the next woman to come along, although it may seem like it. Just keep remembering to value yourself. It is hard, I literally talk to myself in the mirror each day and tell myself I deserve more...you have to. =)
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:26 PM
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Yep, you see him as he was and now is....these women see him as they want him to be.
Prince Charming does not stay that way for long....BEWARE.

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Old 07-15-2011, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
P.s. Women don't own the franchise on this. There are just as many men with the exact same issue.
Thanks for the reminder--don't want to be excluding anyone, here.

I do think, in general, women have been socialized a bit more to "stand by your man" no matter what. But you're right, I've seen many loving, compassionate men who are moved to fix the bird with the broken wing.
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Old 07-15-2011, 06:45 AM
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I am very much struggling with this right now also. My ex (we split just a little over six months ago) was not willing to do the work when we were together. I just recently found out (after running into his new beau unexpectedly in a public forum last week) that they are living together and are planning on getting married this year.

That part is hard, but it is actually the magical thinking I have about "them" that has really gotten me over my head. I am under the impression that all of the problems are gone. I have a hard time being grateful in the moment about my life with quite a bit of calm and serenity now.

Meetings and friends keep me grounded but it is so easy for me to get caught up in this chaos and drama...and it is not even my business any longer. I am so good at driving myself nuts.
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:55 AM
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[QUOTE=Tuffgirl;3035079]My thoughts exactly..."the love of a good woman" syndrome.

My AH is soooo much like yours Ladybug... charming, handsome and I have no doubt that he'll move right on to another codie saver in no time...

I quoted Tuffgirl bc I have to share that my crazy MIL has told me over and over through the years that all AH needs is the "love of a good woman" to be a good man (and she tells him he is a good man incessantly no matter what he's done). So, clearly he's wonderful and if for some reason he isn't then it's bc he doesn't have the love of a good woman.

Good luck to him finding what he's looking for!

Ladybug- I am not yet in your shoes but I am sure when I am that I will feel the twinges of hurt/sadness that you talk about too...
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:31 AM
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But it's supposed to turn out like in Beauty and the Beast! Fie Reality!

Need to learn how to insert photos like Jadmack, so we could SEE how lovely the fairy tale is.
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Old 07-15-2011, 12:35 PM
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LadyBug and LifeRecovery, don't feel bad. I started dating my AXBF two months after he left his last GF. He had met her online, moved into her house within two months, and abandoned her three months later, after talking about marrying her. She had two young sons. I remember my ex telling me what a horrible person she was and how all of the problems in the relationship were her fault. When I asked him if he felt bad about leaving very suddenly and the impact on the two boys (he moved out while they were at their dad's for the weekend and never said goodbye to them), he said, "Oh, I felt terrible leaving those children. I cared about them so much, I wanted to legally adopt them."

Right there, alarm bells should have been going off for me because, after all, these little boys HAVE a father and my ex couldn't have adopted them. What a weirdo. And when you care about children in your life, you don't stuff as many of your belongings as you can into your car, tie your mattress on the roof, and abandon them without so much as a farewell.

Dummy that I am, two months after his relationship with this poor woman ended, I buy his baloney hook, line, and sinker and start dating him. He tells me he wants to marry me and I'm so excited! What a wonderful man he seems to be...except for that little drinking problem. After a year and half relationship with him, he moved out of my house while my kids were at school and I was at a college class I was taking. I came home from a three hour long class and found every single possession of his gone...and the lunch I made him that morning still carefully wrapped on a plate in plastic wrap, sitting in the fridge. And, oh, yes, a $25 bottle of wine that a friend had given me was sitting empty on the counter. He didn't even leave a note. I felt like I'd been sucker punched. I felt like...his last GF.

But wait! I get stupider! I took him back. And three months later, he has dumped me again with no warning.

I have wised up and I wouldn't take him back in a million years now. I have no doubt that he will meet someone else to do this to again. I can't believe I fell for this. I am 40 years old, have a master's degree, have two great children, am financially solvent, guys seem to think I'm pretty...itís not like I dated this guy because I had no other options. I just got completely drawn in for reasons Iíll never be able to explain. But Iím sure my therapist will explain them to me, lol!

I should add that, far into our relationship, I learned from a friend of his that a few years ago, he convinced a woman to quit her job and move 3000 miles to live with him. She dumped him after two months because of his drinking and moved back home.

I really, really wish men who do these things would have to wear warning labels. The pain they leave in their wake is astonishing.

I have no desire to date for a good long while now, but I bet my ex will be right back in the saddle again. Thatís okay. I know that Iím meant to learn something from this so I can meet a truly good guy someday.
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Old 07-15-2011, 07:02 PM
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I am feeling better about this today after seeing my therapist.

It helped me to get some perspective on the fact that I am learning the lessons I need to from this relationship. I am a pretty firm believer that if I had not met and married my A I would have found another relationship with similar concerns because I had some significant growing that I needed to do.

I do so much better when I am able to be grateful. That I am young (okay relatively at least), I got out when I did, I have a TON of support, and it got me into Al-anon. It is amazing how much a change in perspective can make you feel so much better (or worse) in the moment.
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Old 07-15-2011, 07:46 PM
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Haha, I've been wondering the same thing, but then I realize that 20 years ago, I was that dumba** who thought I could love him out of being an angry drunk. 20 years later, I knew that my amazing love had the capability of standing by as he became an angry abusive and dangerous drunk. That's how much power was in my love. And that's how much power is in the love of the dumba** ladies your ex picks up.

I pity them (my AXH is the same way, picks up cute blond 25-year-olds and God only knows what they see in him?) -- because you know what they don't.

Either way -- like you say, the more he's getting around, the less he's bugging you. I have the same experience.
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Old 07-16-2011, 11:39 AM
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"ever watch wolves hunt? they don't go for the biggest strongest member of the herd, they focus on the three legged wildabeest that's falling behind. why? cuz they're easier to catch!"

Love this!

But....was I the wolf, or the wildabeest? haha
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Old 07-16-2011, 01:29 PM
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I know exactly what you mean. My son's father is the same way. For some reason, he always has somebody willing to take care of him even though he has nothing going for him. I used to feel sorry for the women, thinking they'll grab on to anything that gives them attention and vise versa. Now, its not even a thought in my mind. As long as he's not bothering me, my life is at peace. (In that department)

Just be glad he's out of your hair. (At least down to a few voicemails a day) They'll soon find out, just as you did, that their knight in shining armour is nothing more than a loser wrapped in tin foil.
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Old 07-18-2011, 11:52 PM
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All of these men seem to have similar personalities. They know what you want to hear, they flatter you, and they sound OH so interested in you, just wanted to hear your voice, blah, blah.. In my case, I truly wanted to believe Mr. Charming was exclusive with me as he promised. One day, I stopped by and the cleaning lady said to me, "You are his girlfriend..really??" I caught him that day with someone else. His answer was that she was just giving him a ride..come on..I realized that the other women in his life, whomever they were to him, all had one thing in common - they liked to drink to excess, too, so they allowed him to continue in his addiction. I was his conscience, and when he got annoyed of listening to me, these other women were much more fun. I like to think at this point that I was the only sane one of his harem, and as I said in my journal, I feel like I have crawled out of hell. Yes, I miss him, but I miss the sober one that he does not wish to be, and feeling healthy is so much better at this point for me!
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