Unable to deal with the lying
 

Just caught H in a lie, boy, he laid it on thick this time! Lied about where he had gotten a bottle of vodka, said he got it from the back of his friend's truck (friend is a truck driver and is supposed to be on the road, but H didn't know that friend actually came home today). Anyway, I won't go into the gory details, but friend actually came driving out our drive while H was standing there telling his whopper and he then had to come clean before I walked up to ask friend about the lie.

I can't do this anymore. The lies are killing our marriage more than the drinking ever would have. I've told him a thousand times. I've begged him to NOT LIE TO ME! I have to have honesty. Is it too much to ask for? Am I being unreasonable? I know he drinks. I know he can't "just stop." I know he is tormented by Iraq. But does he have to lie?? I knew he had a bottle of vodka anyway. He will drink right in front of me. I don't mind. Its the secret bottles and the lying that I mind.

This time last year he was doing this same ****. He also had a secret cell phone and had an emotional affair with a co-worker (he and she denies physical affair). He lied about that for MONTHS even with the proof in my hands. We're right back to square one! Why won't he understand that every lie he tells, even the stupid ones, hurt me, hurt US and jeopardize our marriage? WHY??

I found the co-worker's cell # hidden in his truck a week ago. I've not confronted. I am waiting for more. It "could" have been there a year ago. I just may have overlooked it. I don't think so, but I have no real proof. I have to have proof when I confront him because he is getting better and better at lying.

With this lie tonight, I'm ready to just forget the cell # and just give him my consequences, my demands for continuing in this marriage right NOW and see what happens. I have a whole list I have been working on. First and foremost is sobriety. Then it's addressing his PTSD. Even with those things, I'm not sure this marriage will ever be repaired. I've hurt and cried too long. :c020:

Yeah, I decided a long time ago I didn't want to be my STBXAH's mommy. I hate the feeling of having to check up on someone because you don't believe they are telling the truth. It's not a happy life, that's for sure! Good luck to you.

Here's a thought. Instead of telling him what HE needs to do to make YOU happy, why not determine what YOU can do to make YOURSELF happy. That way, you are in control rather than giving him yet another set of conditions to lie to you about.

Assume that he is who he is and he's not going to change. Can you accept that? What would you do if what you have right now from him is the best you will ever get?

I'm not telling you to DO anything. Just saying think about it from a different perspective.

L

Here is the bottom line....he is an alcoholic....alcoholics lie. Either you accept that or you move on. He is not in recovery, at this time, he has no intention of embracing recovery.

As for the cell #...trust your gut, unlike him, it never lies.

Take care of you, his issues are his to resolve.

No, I can't accept it. I just can't. I've taken almost 6 years of lies, lies about drinking, lies about another woman. We were doing so good, too. He had NO reason to lie about that tonight. Like I said, he bought a bottle of vodka Monday, so I knew he had one, but I knew it was almost empty. When I see him with a full bottle I knew he had another one from somewhere. He could have said "I got it from so-and-so" straight away, but no, he lied for several minutes, telling me that was the SAME bottle he had yesterday! Yeah, I'm an idiot and can't remember if a bottle is full or empty from 24 hours ago.

He can now consider us separated. He has one week to get into a rehab program. I will not live another year of my life this way!

Just letting you know... If he goes into a rehab program as a result of the ultimatum, I wouldn't get my hopes real high. It's pretty obvious he doesn't want to quit drinking, and even when people WANT to, it can be a slow process. My guess is that if he goes in to save the relationship, the "sobriety" won't last for long.

That's great. Then what do I do?? I love him. I just hate the liar that he has become. I can't live with it. I deserve more. I want to be married to the "old" him. I thought that if he saw we were over until he got help, he'd want to get help. This just sucks.

Rehab isn't a magic fix-all. Plus, if he's only doing it to keep you around, he's not likely to get much out of it anyway. HE has to be the one who wants sobriety more than anything. Otherwise, it isn't going to work long term.

The lying is a whole other issue. Yes, alcoholics lie, but so do non-alcoholics. If he's just a liar, then quitting drinking isn't going to change that. There's a saying I've heard...If you wring the alcohol out of an a$$hat, you still have an a$$hat. Sometimes it isn't the fault of alcohol at all. Some people are just jerks.

Acceptance is the answer.

You can't control him or his disease. If he got cancer, refusing to accept it wouldn't change it. He will not get well until he wants to--more than anything.

Unfortunate facts, but true.

It does suck. No way around that. But, you cannot control him. You aren't that powerful.

Being married to the "old" him is not a choice. You cannot make a choice that doesn't exist. And you cannot force him to make the choices you want him to make. The only person you have control over is you.

L

Okay, so what do I do? I can't take this any longer. You are all saying that he won't change until he wants to. Where does that leave me and my children?

It leaves you to make decisions on what is best for your children and yourself. As has been said, the only control you have is over you, so take that control and do what you feel is best for the kids and you. Your husband is a grown man and he will either seek recovery or he won't. It's up to you whether or not you want to live with it anymore.

The ball is in your court...what do you want out of life, for you and your children? You have to be the responsible parent...not my rules, just how it is when one lives with an alcoholic.

You don't have to make a decision tonight, however, you can start to make a plan, you can explore your options, and then decide.

See my very first post in this thread..

L

Bewitched, I am sorry you are dealing with the pain of being straight out lied to. It makes no sense, but that's what addicts do, they lie. I read an article about addiction that said an addict under the influence is almost psychotic (even if they're not actually drunk at the time). They have pretty much lost touch with reality, and they often can't even tell the lies from the truth. They have to lie to themselves because that's the only way they can maintain the addiction.

An addict has two people inside of them. One is their real self, and the other is the addict self. The addict self wants to win and will do whatever it takes to survive. That includes lying about everything, to everyone. Sometimes you see glimpses of the real self that you miss so much. But until recovery occurs, you will also get blindsided when the real person is replaced by the cruel, lying addict, over and over.

Since alcoholism is a progressive disease, you can expect things to get worse from here on in, unless he truly wants to get sober. I know you are wondering how you and your kids will go on. It took me a long time to accept that I could not wish my way back into my former happiness with my XBF. It is gone. I am going on. Sometimes I have a million moods in a single day--happy, sad, angry--but I'm still standing. Accepting the loss takes time. It will happen in the natural pace of time and you will still be standing, too.

Hugs to you, first of all, and second, take a few breaths, and let some of that anger go.

I'm sad to hear that your husband has been lying to you for so long. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to live that way any longer.

Like everyone else says, there is nothing you can do to change him. He is a grown man, and has the right to do what he pleases, whether it's drink vodka all day, cheat on his wife with a coworker, whatever. He has the right to do it, but it doesn't make it right. The only thing you have a right to, as far as he is concerned, is choosing whether you want to live your life with someone who cheats and lies, or not.

At any moment, you can decide to stop the merry go round, let yourself and your children off, and walk away. Or you can stay on it, and continue to see the same things over and over, turn after turn. The same conversations, the same arguments, the same threats, the same promises, the same lies.

I would highly recommend Alanon, it might help you get some perspective on your situation.

Yeah, one problem I have with rehab is that they kind of make you feel a little too good about your chances of success. I know it is miraculous for some, but my AH went to a world famous rehab last year and I went up for family week and I must say, it was a wonderful experience. I learned a lot, made friends, talked with my AH who was doing great there and generally went home with a feeling like it was all going to be okay now. He was drinking in a week once he got home and after much drama later, we are now getting divorced.

I am not dissing rehab at all, and I understand they need to put a positive spin on things to give people hope, but I wish I realized how many people don't stay sober. I met lots of really wonderful people there, successful, kind people, who were addicts and alcoholics and I just figured they would all be better once they left. I was very naive about how rehab worked before my AH came home.

I hope it works for you guys but yes, I agree with some of the posters on here. It's not magic and the person has to want to get better more than anything.

Bewitched..I get your anger over the lies. I am currently divorcing my alcoholic and cocaine addicted wife of 30 years. Talk about lies and secrets. The cocaine takes it to a whole new level. The thing that really haunts me is why did I stay with a woman like this for so long? What's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with us. We stay because we believe, we continue to hope, we love. :c020:

But eventually you have to believe in your own strength to create a sane and healthy life for you and your children, hope that he will find recovery on his own, and love yourself and your kids enough to be brave and take the steps necessary to attain a normal, happy life. We only go around once. You are responsible for your own happiness. Bless you and bless me - I'm almost there.