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Unable to deal with the lying

Old 07-14-2011, 06:42 PM
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Somebody on this site said "Why lie when the truth works just as well" I found that to be a powerful statement. I also got so fed up with the lies. It ruined our relationship. Could not stand being lied to. It's so insulting, and demeaning. Exactly how stupid did he think I was. Me:, "You're drunk" him: "No I'm just tired",as he is Falling off the porch into my flower bed, and not able to get back up. It just wears on you and beats you down after awhile.

I am sorry for your pain, but you cannot control his drinking. Rehab would only be a band-aid, if it is not truly his decision to go. We truly are powerless over the drinking.

Personally, if it was me, Adultery is a deal breaker, ( emotional affair or whatever he chose to call it) I just could not believe anything out of his mouth after that kind of betrayal. I would leave, or put him out, that is just my own personal opinion on that matter.

You can only go forward and make positive, healthy choices for you and your kids. You deserve to have peace in your life. If you let the disease drag you down ......... it will. Keep posting we are here for you.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:07 PM
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Wow

Originally Posted by Bewitched View Post
Nothing is wrong with us. We stay because we believe, we continue to hope, we love.
Nobody's perfect, but hope is meaningless here, so is irrational belief in the face of six years worth of evidence, and alcohol does not care if you love.

Unless you've left something out, he's not interested in changing and what could possibly lead you to believe he would? Also, please read what you wrote here and ask yourself if it rings true, or if it makes any kind of sense at all:

"No, I can't accept it. I just can't. I've taken almost 6 years of lies, lies about drinking, lies about another woman. We were doing so good, too."

Huh?

I'm sorry, but the reality is you are expecting rationality from an alcoholic, and buying into the myth of the power of love. And, as the thousands upon thousands of people who will tell you who have lived with and loved alcoholics, love is not enough-- not by a longshot. This isn't a Hallmark Card or Movie-- it's real life and real alcoholism.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:17 PM
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Quote from OP...(((I love him. I just hate the liar that he has become. I can't live with it. I deserve more. I want to be married to the "old" him.)))

Who is it you love? Who is it you hate and can't live with anymore? Who is it you want to be married too?

Honey, I fear the "old" him you were once married to and loved so much, is NOW the alcoholic, liar and maybe cheater you hate and can't live with anymore.

Hauling this new "man" into mandatory rehab will almost certainly just be a costly and futile exercise for both of you.
As for his lies and contact with this other woman, I do so feel for you....but only you can decide if being treated with the disrespect of being lied to or possibly cheated on is something you can bear to live with.

You deserve so much better for you and your children, but unless you actively decide this and begin doing all YOU can to get that "much better" for you...it is not going to happen. Face it, your man is too busy satisfying HIS needs and wants to care much for anyone elses, because that is a requirement of alcoholism...it demands all their time, effort and loyalty.

I wish you all the best for what lays ahead of you.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:22 PM
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*SIGH*

I wanted to believe in love and all that ****. I wanted the man that I fell in love with back. I thought recovery would be the cure-all. It wasn't. But you know what it is...a new beginning...for both of us.

Acceptance isn't approval. It is just calling it what it is - today.

Today, I live in my own home with my daughters, two dogs, and one chinchilla. We moved out of my husband's home in January and at the time, he was almost 2 months sober. But you know what - like Suki says above, he was still an a-hat without alcohol. Crossed my boundaries one too many times...I got tired of hearing myself threaten, and one day just walked.

Now - 8 months sober, he is finally beginning to "get it" and talk honestly with me. We remain separated, but spending time together, getting to know each other again.

I married a myth, a fraud, an alcoholic. My reality was not nor ever was his reality. Why? Because he's an alcoholic. It is what it is. And acceptance of my reality was the path to my serenity, and I am so much happier now that when I first joined SR.

P.S. I still love my husband. But I love me more.
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Old 07-14-2011, 08:50 PM
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I too want that man I started out with. But I've come to realize that even if he stays sober, he will never be the same guy. It will be a new sober man that I will have to get to know all over again. Things will change, the relationship will change, and trust will have to be re-earned. It sucks!!

I have to leave to protect myself. If things are meant to be, then he will get sober and in time we can start "dating" again. If he can't get sober then I will just have to close this chapter, mourn my loss, and try to start over again.

PS In the bathroom at my work someone hung up a framed sign that says "One day at a time". Sometimes when I'm having a bad day seeing that helps put everything into perspective.

I hope you are able to figure out what is best for you and your kids. Good luck.
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:40 PM
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Wow - how many times I wished for the old XAB back. Never happened. You're right, it really sucks. Good luck.
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:48 PM
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I have to leave to protect myself. If things are meant to be, then he will get sober and in time we can start "dating" again. If he can't get sober then I will just have to close this chapter, mourn my loss, and try to start over again.


I tell myself this over and over again, every day.
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:52 PM
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Bewitched, like you I have an AH who lies, sneaks and drinks. His addiction and the behavior that came (comes) with it drove me crazy. It was(is) this slow moving, life sucking, marriage destroying monster that I had to give up trying to control for my own good. Finally accepting what he is, instead of wanting how he was or what he could be has been really difficult for me. It still is difficult, but every day I am getting closer to reality. Once I was able to stop the insane thinking that I could help him, and stopped taking his behavior personally I became a much calmer person. Realizing I was powerless over his addiction, that my life had become unmanageable, that I did not cause it, I can not control it and I can not cure it has helped me focus on me... the one and only person I can control. I can tell you there has been relief but also a feeling of oh $hit because now I see my situation for exactly what it is. However knowledge is power and it gives us the ability to make good decision. Right now I do not know what I am going to do in the long run where my marriage is concerned. I am not ready to make any earth shattering decisions, and I am finally okay with that too. The wisdom around here tells me I will know when that time comes. I hear it is when the pain of staying is greater than the fear of leaving. Meanwhile I am working on getting me healthy, and I am enjoying life even if my AH continues to drink. Detachment is a wonderful thing. Letting go of fear is another.
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Old 07-15-2011, 04:05 AM
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As a recovering alcoholic/addict, I can tell you there is no "old me" to be had. I have been forever changed by the disease. The old me was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I needed a drink a long time before I picked the first drink up.

You couldn't pay me enough to go back to the old me prior to active alcoholism.
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Old 07-15-2011, 04:14 AM
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Thank you, everyone. He came back into the house later last night. I had showered and was in bed. I spoke very calmly. I said if this is the man he wants to be, then great, go for it, but this isn't the man I want or the man I deserve, that I had considered demanding he get into rehab within the week, but I had changed my mind. I said that he had to do that for himself and that hopefully for HIS sake, someday he would. I told him that our marriage is what it is. I also told him that I won't keep the kids from him. He can see them as much as he likes (they are 18, 14 and almost 12). His response was "That would be wise." OMG. That infuriated me, but I kept my cool and didn't even respond to that comment.

I've been reading about detachment. I logged into an online Al-Anon meeting on Wed night. Strangely, I feel almost a peace about this. I've not felt this before. I take and take and take off of people in my life until one day, I just wake up and that's it. I'm done and there is NOTHING they can do to regain my relationship with them. I think I'm there with him. Of course, tomorrow might be a different story, but for today, I am okay with never having him in my life again. I am not perfect but I don't deserve the crap sandwich I've been given the past 6 years. He needs help, not just with alcohol but with PTSD from Iraq. He will only do just enough to satisfy me with the PTSD. He is not an advocate for his own health. It drives me crazy. He's content with living like this.

There are a few things I am changing starting today. First, I didn't wake him up when his alarm went off. That's over. I'm tired of trying to get him up for 20 mins every morning because he is so lethargic from drinking the night before. From now on, he will get himself up or be late for work. Maybe getting fired would be good for him. Next, I am no longer financially supporting his habit. My check will go into my own, private account. He will still pay the bulk of the bills out of his check, but if he is overdrawn from his cigarettes and alcohol, so be it. I will NOT spend another dime of the money I sit here and earn. That money will go for food and things for me and my children.
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Old 07-15-2011, 04:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Bewitched View Post
There are a few things I am changing starting today. First, I didn't wake him up when his alarm went off. That's over. I'm tired of trying to get him up for 20 mins every morning because he is so lethargic from drinking the night before. From now on, he will get himself up or be late for work. Maybe getting fired would be good for him. Next, I am no longer financially supporting his habit. My check will go into my own, private account. He will still pay the bulk of the bills out of his check, but if he is overdrawn from his cigarettes and alcohol, so be it. I will NOT spend another dime of the money I sit here and earn. That money will go for food and things for me and my children.

Good for you! Stand your ground and be consistent with your boundaries. I think you will find you are more present for yourself and your children in beginning to focus on what's good for you, and leaving him to put his big boy pants on!
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Old 07-15-2011, 04:41 AM
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Oh, I also calmly said "We've had several days this week that were GREAT. Yet, you chose to lie to me about something that there was no need. I've realized that its not me. It's you. I can't control you. I can't change you. And realizing this, at this moment, is quite liberating for me."

He got angry at some point and grumbled "Shut up and leave me alone!" I continued to calmly say what I wanted to say and then told him "Good night." Changes are on the horizon. He's not going to be happy. But I will be.
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Old 07-15-2011, 05:05 AM
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That's the way! Protect yourself and your children.
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Old 07-15-2011, 05:07 AM
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Good, you are off to a good start.

Having said your piece, be careful about repeating it too much. It's easy for the illusion to creep in that if you keep talking, what you are saying will eventually sink in. Chances are that it won't until and unless he is seriously into recovery.

Your own actions are much more powerful than words, as are his. You just simply DO what you need to do. Learn as much as you can about detachment. Keep going to Al-Anon. Keep reading and posting, here. It will become clearer with time.
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Old 07-15-2011, 05:28 AM
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Good for you for deciding to not mother him anymore! If you're anything like me... you're going to start to realize just how many things you did for him that he can and should be doing for himself! Good god did I over-protect my AH... MY disease was cunning and baffling. It was shocking to me just how hard it was to pull my claws (ie. my need to control and manage him!) out of his life!

When you seperate your life/responsibilities from what should be his... and you get back to living YOUR life and taking care of you... happiness creeps in. No matter what he chooses to do or not do. His choices and consequences... are HIS - you will no longer be enmeshed in that! That's good news!

The best gift that I've received when I released myself from mothering my AH??!?! FREE TIME! LOTS OF IT! All sorts of time to spend on ME and what I WANT! Oooh!! That's the good stuff right there!

So... good for you! Today is a new day... with lots of hope for you and your happiness!
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Old 07-15-2011, 06:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Bewitched View Post
Nothing is wrong with us. We stay because we believe, we continue to hope, we love.
HA! I don't know about you guys, but there was, and still is to an extent, something very wrong with me. I can admit it, anyways. I was sick emotionally, physically, and mentally when I was living with active alcoholism. Searching vehicles, throwing tantrums, making threats, hiding the truth from others, trying to change someone that didn't want to change, living a miserable life.

There IS something wrong with someone who tolerates being used, abused, lied to, manipulated, walked on, crapped on, the whole gammit of things that we have all tolerated from someone who is supposed to "love us". There are serious self esteem and self worth issues there. But that's what happens when we have been affected by the disease of alcoholism, and that's why we are here, to get help.

Eventually we realize that we DO deserve better, we CAN get more out of life. We take responsibility for our own happiness, instead of expecting others to take care of it for us. We learn that our thoughts and feelings mean something, and that we deserve to be respected and loved. Sometimes the grass actually is greener on the other side, and i'm glad I hopped the fence to check it out for myself.
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Old 07-15-2011, 07:39 AM
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"An addict has two people inside of them. One is their real self, and the other is the addict self. The addict self wants to win and will do whatever it takes to survive. That includes lying about everything, to everyone. Sometimes you see glimpses of the real self that you miss so much. But until recovery occurs, you will also get blindsided when the real person is replaced by the cruel, lying addict, over and over"

Thank you changeschoices. I am reading this thread because I too can no longer deal with the lies. My daughter has been lying to me for years. I realize this is due to the addiction, but I am still angry and hurt. She entered a program on Monday and I am hopeful and fearful at the same time.

Bewitched, I am so sorry your husband is lying to you. It has been my experience that no matter how much the addict loves you, they always lie. It is our choice to stay and hear the lies. or work on ourselves.
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Old 07-15-2011, 07:45 AM
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Yes, this thread has also been very helpful to me. Bewitched, your examples of boundaries have given me a great start toward thinking of some which are realistic for me. Good luck with everything!

Comesatime, welcome to SR! You will find many people who understand exactly what you are going through here. You can introduce yourself in the Newcomers forum if you like. Glad you found us!
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Old 07-15-2011, 01:35 PM
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So, he comes home for work today and apologizes for lying. He said that he guessed lying was a habit. He didn't want me to be "ashamed, angry or pissed." I said, no, you are the one that is ashamed. I told him sorry doesn't cut it after SIX YEARS of the same thing. Again, I remained calm. Told him that lying was a habit he couldn't break. Told him again that I can't control him and that I am no longer going to try. He is a big boy. His actions from here on out are his to own. I also told him about no longer putting my check into our joint account. He was NOT happy about that. Anyway, just an update. Its funny. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I continued with the stance that I will not live in this any longer. I'm not leaving my house though. He is free to leave at any time when he doesn't agree with the way things are going to be from now on.
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Old 07-15-2011, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
*SIGH*

I married a myth, a fraud, an alcoholic. My reality was not nor ever was his reality. Why? Because he's an alcoholic. It is what it is. And acceptance of my reality was the path to my serenity, and I am so much happier now that when I first joined SR.

P.S. I still love my husband. But I love me more.
I hear you on that. Fraud is a good word.
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