Pulling the thorn from my side
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
Pulling the thorn from my side
My AH of almost ten years has been in complete denial about his drinking, we have two little girls age 5 and 7... he is a "functional" alcoholic meaning he does great with work, fine with the kids, but when he does drink, he drinks after kids are in bed or he drinks excessively on weekends, has often lied about how much he drinks, needs to drink before social events, and has attempted and failed many times to "control his drinking" over the years.
I kicked him out of the house two weeks ago after he drove home drunk one night, and said when he is ready to make changes and willing to work on the drinking, then we'd discuss him coming back into the house. We have been talking on and off during this period due to the kids or discussing financial stuff. I have been also attending Al-Anon and he knew about it. Suggested he try AA and he refused. Said he doesn't believe in all that and its all a bunch of crap. He said "I just wont drink during week anymore."
Yesterday. he said he wanted to come back home -- said he wanted to try, misses us and the kids...and wanted to try to come back in house. I said what my boundaries were, that I didn't want any drinking, wanted him to be calm in house, and that I wanted him to show us effort...he said OK.
He literally comes home hours later to drop off stuff and then left to go to a meeting for work. I notice 2 beers missing from fridge--- I call him out on it, he lies about it, denies, then finally admits "Whats the big deal? I had 2 beers with lunch? Like I'm hammered? Really? You're starting this control this again?"
SO I dropped it, told him no lies, this is serious, I need him to not do that, if he wants to be in house. I had already had plans that week to go to dinner w my cousin and I was nervous about leaving house but he claimed he would just grill and hang out with the girls in backyard. I said,"Please dont be hanging out with the neighbors..." since i know its a bunch of drinkers and divorced women who are just not the best people to be around, although we are all socially friends for our kids sakes.
I come home after dinner and there's the neighbors over sitting on my patio, having drinks, with their kids in the house all eating at my kitchen table, and my AH is grilling for everyone. I was shocked, I told him this wasn't what I expected on day one for his return to the house and that I could tell he was drinking. We went to talk outside not in front of people/kids. He Flat out denied he was drinking but I could tell he had atleast a few, from where, I dont know because i couldn't find it. He just had that glassy look in his eyes. Anyway, I was less than friendly to the neighbors and made a comment to my cousin "Im sorry we can't really relax on the patio, sorry...didnt know it was going to be a circus over here..." My husband got so upset that I was "embarrasing him and embarrassing myself" and went on a tangent about what a b!tch I am and can't I ever just be cool? I dropped it and said "im sorry, but I came home to relax with you, its the first day you're back in the house and you have people over here drinking." He wouldnt drop it, used it as an excuse to give up and throw in the towel, stating how he was done with me being so controlling, done w my rude attitude and that he was not going to be treated like a child. I said he is more concerned with his appearance and image to others than what his own wife and children think of him and how he is treating us.
He told me I should go to my parents and I refused, I was advised by an attorney that if I leave after hes been out for a few weeks, it wont look good in court, stay there with children and it looks better in court that I remained in house, but if he threatens me in any way to call police and file for temp restraining order... He said I'm being stubborn and that he wants to go monday to file for a legal separation. I called my parents and they said enough is enough--- he's cheated on me multiple times, he has threatened me, he has had several episodes related to drinking where i have had to leave the house before--- at this point he should be remorseful and telling me he will do whatever it takes and he just wont. He isn't ready to even try. I talked with him again today and said "You said you wanted to try, you said you missed us, where is the try? Today is a new day, can you just give it your effort, I will support you in whatever way." He told me to cram it to put it nicely. Told me that i need a mental evaluation!
So, It appears im in a hopeless situation with an alcoholic in complete denial... and I realized after reading an al-anon book perhaps this is my signal to just LET GO....what do I do to protect myself and the children? I am so worried with school starting in a month, having to pull them out of their schools and move to a new home because I cannot afford this on my own. He also is salary based with commissions and bonuses that he could easily hide in the future---so I need to know how to protect myself with that as well. HELP! I am a wreck here and beyond worried. I am so upset that this is tearing my family apart and my girls just want to see their mommy and daddy happy and this just isn't happening with someone who refuses to change their ways.
I kicked him out of the house two weeks ago after he drove home drunk one night, and said when he is ready to make changes and willing to work on the drinking, then we'd discuss him coming back into the house. We have been talking on and off during this period due to the kids or discussing financial stuff. I have been also attending Al-Anon and he knew about it. Suggested he try AA and he refused. Said he doesn't believe in all that and its all a bunch of crap. He said "I just wont drink during week anymore."
Yesterday. he said he wanted to come back home -- said he wanted to try, misses us and the kids...and wanted to try to come back in house. I said what my boundaries were, that I didn't want any drinking, wanted him to be calm in house, and that I wanted him to show us effort...he said OK.
He literally comes home hours later to drop off stuff and then left to go to a meeting for work. I notice 2 beers missing from fridge--- I call him out on it, he lies about it, denies, then finally admits "Whats the big deal? I had 2 beers with lunch? Like I'm hammered? Really? You're starting this control this again?"
SO I dropped it, told him no lies, this is serious, I need him to not do that, if he wants to be in house. I had already had plans that week to go to dinner w my cousin and I was nervous about leaving house but he claimed he would just grill and hang out with the girls in backyard. I said,"Please dont be hanging out with the neighbors..." since i know its a bunch of drinkers and divorced women who are just not the best people to be around, although we are all socially friends for our kids sakes.
I come home after dinner and there's the neighbors over sitting on my patio, having drinks, with their kids in the house all eating at my kitchen table, and my AH is grilling for everyone. I was shocked, I told him this wasn't what I expected on day one for his return to the house and that I could tell he was drinking. We went to talk outside not in front of people/kids. He Flat out denied he was drinking but I could tell he had atleast a few, from where, I dont know because i couldn't find it. He just had that glassy look in his eyes. Anyway, I was less than friendly to the neighbors and made a comment to my cousin "Im sorry we can't really relax on the patio, sorry...didnt know it was going to be a circus over here..." My husband got so upset that I was "embarrasing him and embarrassing myself" and went on a tangent about what a b!tch I am and can't I ever just be cool? I dropped it and said "im sorry, but I came home to relax with you, its the first day you're back in the house and you have people over here drinking." He wouldnt drop it, used it as an excuse to give up and throw in the towel, stating how he was done with me being so controlling, done w my rude attitude and that he was not going to be treated like a child. I said he is more concerned with his appearance and image to others than what his own wife and children think of him and how he is treating us.
He told me I should go to my parents and I refused, I was advised by an attorney that if I leave after hes been out for a few weeks, it wont look good in court, stay there with children and it looks better in court that I remained in house, but if he threatens me in any way to call police and file for temp restraining order... He said I'm being stubborn and that he wants to go monday to file for a legal separation. I called my parents and they said enough is enough--- he's cheated on me multiple times, he has threatened me, he has had several episodes related to drinking where i have had to leave the house before--- at this point he should be remorseful and telling me he will do whatever it takes and he just wont. He isn't ready to even try. I talked with him again today and said "You said you wanted to try, you said you missed us, where is the try? Today is a new day, can you just give it your effort, I will support you in whatever way." He told me to cram it to put it nicely. Told me that i need a mental evaluation!
So, It appears im in a hopeless situation with an alcoholic in complete denial... and I realized after reading an al-anon book perhaps this is my signal to just LET GO....what do I do to protect myself and the children? I am so worried with school starting in a month, having to pull them out of their schools and move to a new home because I cannot afford this on my own. He also is salary based with commissions and bonuses that he could easily hide in the future---so I need to know how to protect myself with that as well. HELP! I am a wreck here and beyond worried. I am so upset that this is tearing my family apart and my girls just want to see their mommy and daddy happy and this just isn't happening with someone who refuses to change their ways.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sorry that you are going through this. He is and has manipulated you. He is responsible to provide for your children.
I would gather together all your tax returns, investments and head back to the attorney.
If he is out of the house, I would just sit tight until you meet with the attorney. You do have rights, don't let him bully you.
As for your girls, I can tell you from my personal experience that I would rather have had one loving parent in a reduced material enviorment, than have been trapped in a toxic home. Some women believe that they must stay in a bad marriage to protect their children, unfortunately, they do not realize the severe psychological damage that this enviorment causes their children.
School? At ages 5 & 7 I really wouldn't worry about it too much.
To me, it is obvious that right now he is not interested in recovery. That is his choice, and you have choices of your own. I agree, it may be time to pull the thorn from your side.
Sending hugs and support your way,
I would gather together all your tax returns, investments and head back to the attorney.
If he is out of the house, I would just sit tight until you meet with the attorney. You do have rights, don't let him bully you.
As for your girls, I can tell you from my personal experience that I would rather have had one loving parent in a reduced material enviorment, than have been trapped in a toxic home. Some women believe that they must stay in a bad marriage to protect their children, unfortunately, they do not realize the severe psychological damage that this enviorment causes their children.
School? At ages 5 & 7 I really wouldn't worry about it too much.
To me, it is obvious that right now he is not interested in recovery. That is his choice, and you have choices of your own. I agree, it may be time to pull the thorn from your side.
Sending hugs and support your way,
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
We are more in debt than we should be and it is going to be a long road ahead with legal battles...he suggested we go to an attorney together to work out a legal separation but im not comfortable with that until I get an attorney myself. I just am done with all the lies and excuses and blame-shifting...
I am 33, attractive, smart, have a decent job and Im a great mother....I deserve better. Just kills me to think how I wasted 16 yrs of my life with him and how horrible this will be for my kids.
I am 33, attractive, smart, have a decent job and Im a great mother....I deserve better. Just kills me to think how I wasted 16 yrs of my life with him and how horrible this will be for my kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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Better to stick with this line of thinking....
Than this.....
I remember awfulizing and ruminating, too. It didn't do me or my kids any good whatsoever. And things actually turned out a lot better that I anticipated. Also, life is never wasted if we learn from it.
If you just do the next right thing, and take care of today, tomorrow will work itself out.
I've been where you are and it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Coming up on six years later, I don't regret it for a minute.
L
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily 
I am 33, attractive, smart, have a decent job and Im a great mother....I deserve better.
Originally Posted by KeepinOnDaily
Just kills me to think how I wasted 16 yrs of my life with him and how horrible this will be for my kids.
If you just do the next right thing, and take care of today, tomorrow will work itself out.
I've been where you are and it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Coming up on six years later, I don't regret it for a minute.
L
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
You're all right...My own family said that I have put up with it too long, that he's had a "ten year get out of jail free card" for all the things he has done to me. I'm not saying I was so innocent and awesome, but I think I just built up so much resentment and hurt because of lack of trust, that I became a different person that constantly needed to be on guard and protect myself. In turn, I became a nag or I would drink as well and then lash out at him about his previous cheating. So I have realized, I cannot drink like that anymore and it wasn't healthy.
So EVEN if i chose to stick with him and wait it all out and pretend everything will be okay, everyone says eventually something is going to happen again, be it a month down the line or a year down the line. He will just mess up somehow again. I just think I have stuck with him thinking he loved me, but the joke is, he just probably was too scared to be alone since we were together since highschool. And i can agree to the same-=I have been too afraid of what others would say, how it would affect my little kids lives, we have always been the envy of others with our relationship and how close we appeared and the whole highschool sweetheart thing, and my husband was like a best friend to me still through all of this, but in reality, I just always had hope for the best and forgave. It is horrible and just wish I left him the first time and never stuck around for it to get worse.
So EVEN if i chose to stick with him and wait it all out and pretend everything will be okay, everyone says eventually something is going to happen again, be it a month down the line or a year down the line. He will just mess up somehow again. I just think I have stuck with him thinking he loved me, but the joke is, he just probably was too scared to be alone since we were together since highschool. And i can agree to the same-=I have been too afraid of what others would say, how it would affect my little kids lives, we have always been the envy of others with our relationship and how close we appeared and the whole highschool sweetheart thing, and my husband was like a best friend to me still through all of this, but in reality, I just always had hope for the best and forgave. It is horrible and just wish I left him the first time and never stuck around for it to get worse.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, well, we can't undo the past. So start off by letting go of the mistakes (without forgetting the lessons). All you can do is to make changes, moving forward. Now that your eyes are really open, you can think about how you would like the rest of your life to look.
It's kinda like living in a house with ugly wallpaper. You have to let go of the idea of somehow fixing it up or making it not look so bad, and get down to how you can make it look with the ugly stuff scraped off and fresh, new paint on it.
It's kinda like living in a house with ugly wallpaper. You have to let go of the idea of somehow fixing it up or making it not look so bad, and get down to how you can make it look with the ugly stuff scraped off and fresh, new paint on it.
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As for the attorney situation (and Lexie can probably address this far better than I), but he might have a good idea about using one attorney to hammer out the settlement. After that is done you can take it to your OWN attorney and have them give you an opinion.
The attorney is bound to treat you both fairly if he is representing you both and you will sign an agreement to this effect, I'm sure. If not, run for the hills.
The attorney is bound to treat you both fairly if he is representing you both and you will sign an agreement to this effect, I'm sure. If not, run for the hills.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by tjp613
As for the attorney situation (and Lexie can probably address this far better than I), but he might have a good idea about using one attorney to hammer out the settlement. After that is done you can take it to your OWN attorney and have them give you an opinion.
The attorney is bound to treat you both fairly if he is representing you both and you will sign an agreement to this effect, I'm sure. If not, run for the hills.
The attorney is bound to treat you both fairly if he is representing you both and you will sign an agreement to this effect, I'm sure. If not, run for the hills.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 58
It;s all just so depressing...like how did I get here!? But, my husband still refuses to believe that we were lead to this crossroad because of how his drinking progressed and the fact that I just got fed up.
He's in the house for the time being and not even drinking and its the first Friday I think in years he isn't drinking. Shocked!
We went over some finances tonight and I just lost it, thinking about all the good memories, the kids and the future we have to face. We both have families close by and theres no avoiding in laws and things like that. He said "you're miserable with me, im not happy, we just have to face it."
Makes me so sad of all that we lost and we are approaching our 10yr anniversary where we planned on renewing our vows. Here we're going on the completely opposite path and divorcing.
He's in the house for the time being and not even drinking and its the first Friday I think in years he isn't drinking. Shocked!
We went over some finances tonight and I just lost it, thinking about all the good memories, the kids and the future we have to face. We both have families close by and theres no avoiding in laws and things like that. He said "you're miserable with me, im not happy, we just have to face it."
Makes me so sad of all that we lost and we are approaching our 10yr anniversary where we planned on renewing our vows. Here we're going on the completely opposite path and divorcing.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I am divorced, I have 2 young kids though I have 10 years on you.
So my advice to you is DON'T waste anymore time, start living YOUR life, stop looking at him. Get yourself to al-anon, those meetings saved my life in the early days of trying to make my marriage work, and eventually accepting that it was over. My ex and I did the whole "he's out, he's back" thing and in the end he refused to leave the house, I had to file for divorce, GET divorced and sell the house while he was still there, and that's how I eventually got out on my own. It was tough but I did it!! We've been divorced for 2+ years now.
I live with my mom now while I am in school, I left a lucrative career to become a stay-at-home mom 9 years ago. Try not to get overwhelmed by the what-ifs and the details of the future. If the life you are in now is unacceptable, take it one day at a time, but do what you need to do to change it... and the future will fall into place. I spent way too much time in that limbo of fear and what-if... I was just saying at an al-anon meeting that I wish I had found them sooner.
Be kind to yourself, make sure you are taking care of YOU. And yes, you need your own lawyer, for sure!!
So my advice to you is DON'T waste anymore time, start living YOUR life, stop looking at him. Get yourself to al-anon, those meetings saved my life in the early days of trying to make my marriage work, and eventually accepting that it was over. My ex and I did the whole "he's out, he's back" thing and in the end he refused to leave the house, I had to file for divorce, GET divorced and sell the house while he was still there, and that's how I eventually got out on my own. It was tough but I did it!! We've been divorced for 2+ years now.I live with my mom now while I am in school, I left a lucrative career to become a stay-at-home mom 9 years ago. Try not to get overwhelmed by the what-ifs and the details of the future. If the life you are in now is unacceptable, take it one day at a time, but do what you need to do to change it... and the future will fall into place. I spent way too much time in that limbo of fear and what-if... I was just saying at an al-anon meeting that I wish I had found them sooner.
Be kind to yourself, make sure you are taking care of YOU. And yes, you need your own lawyer, for sure!!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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I do just need to move on, but last night I just broke down crying and bawling thinking of what the holidays are going to be like this year, and how difficult this is going to be not only for me, but for the kids. Hard to accept!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What you do with the holidays is that you create your OWN traditions. Keep some that the kids especially like (with appropriate adjustments where needed), and create some brand new ones.
Believe me, kids adjust. It may not be the ideal, but holiday tensions can be much more difficult for them than a few changes in the holiday "drill".
Believe me, kids adjust. It may not be the ideal, but holiday tensions can be much more difficult for them than a few changes in the holiday "drill".
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