WendyOWilliams

I know I have to get out of my relationship but I'm dreading the emotional confrontation. He's a kind man with a good heart but I'm tired of the endless beer cans in the garbage, him stinking like beer and cigs, etc.

I could go into the gory details but it's pointless. You've seen this movie a thousand times - woman tries to help effed up man, end up in an unlivable situation.

I confess - I am afraid of being alone. I'm so tired of not having people to do things with. I have friends, but I feel like I'm calling people all the time to do stuff and they rarely can. Whatever his faults, he's usually up for the beach or a movie or whatever.

I sound so certain now, when he's sleeping and I'm pissed. He'll wake up and be sweet and then I'll be all unsure again.

All I know is I'm tired of alcohol and cigarettes in my house.

LexieCat

There's nothing lonelier, in my experience, than living with an active alcoholic.

You'd be surprised how much less lonely you would feel if you were living by yourself and filling your life with friends and laughter.

Stick around, read the forums, and I strongly suggest getting to Al-Anon. It was a lifeline for me and many others.

dollydo

Hi,

Sounds like he is more of a buddy, than an equal partner.

I read somewhere that women are preprogrammed to feel dependent on a man and they fear that they cannot be alone and live without one. Don't know if it is true or not, as I am the happiest I have ever been, living alone and loving it. I have joined a bunch of clubs, met and made alot of new friends and am at peace!

You will know when you are done, it will happen when you are ready and not a minute before. In the meantime, read around these forums, lots of great posts and support.

roxiestone

Good morning Wendy,

I'm working through some of those issues as well. For me, they are turning out to be just some weird fears hanging on. I now have the opportunity to create a life filled with people that I enjoy. I am working on doing that. For me, my al-anon group is full of people usually willing to go see a movie, etc. I know that I will miss the "romantic" part of being a couple - but I know that I certainly wasn't happy when I was with my "romantic alcoholic partner".

I do know how you feel. I spent many a night feeling the same thing. Keep coming back here - there is a lot of support for you, whatever decision you feel you have to make.

WendyOWilliams

It would be fair to call us companions. It's certainly not equal. This is the kind of catch-22 I face. He has been on unemployment for over a year. That sounds awful, right? But he applies to jobs every day and goes on interviews almost every week. Over the past year I would guess he's been on 30+ interviews. No job, just a few freelance gigs. But it's not the usual story where the dude is drinking and not trying. He's trying hard and wants to be equal so bad it makes him cry sometimes.

I'm not being dramatic when I say if we broke up he'd have no place to go at all. Parents gone, no other family, and no money. Lord, I'd drink too if I were in his situation. I can tell he's kind of terrified that I will break up with him cause he could very well end up homeless. I have to be careful about not bossing/bullying him because I have so much control over this situation.

m1k3

Hi Wendy, ((((hugs))))

Welcome to SR.

One thing jumped out at me in your post. Your comment about how much control you have. Actually you don't have any control over the situation. You can't get him a job, you can't control his drinking and you can't control his smoking.

I would strongly recommend going to al-anon. It will put you in contact with people who are in, or were in, situations very much like yours.

One big thing here is the 3 c's.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

He will quit when he is ready and not a moment before. What you can do is take care of yourself.

What I have found is that the only control I have is over how I choose to live my life. I have chose to work towards serenity and sanity. I certainly feel much better since I have started down this path, posting here and attending al-anon.

Your friend,

catlovermi

Pssssssssssst... I have a rescue German Shepherd dog. I saved his life, rescuing him. ANYTIME, day or night, rain or shine, he's ready to go out for play, walk, or adventure. He's NEVER in a bad mood or not thrilled to spend time with me. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I come home to the greatest welcome!

OK, so he's not human. Guess what? Just about any time at all, we can go to the dog park and meet other people with similar interests! Great place to meet people, and on a regular basis, too. When you meet people on a regular basis and spend time with them, and they have similar interests and habits, this is when healthy relationships can happen!

CLMI

WendyOWilliams

Point taken, Mike. But I do control if he lives here or not. He can leave anytime too, of course, but he has no resources and very few options wrt a place to live. That's where it gets sticky cause he often feels like he's walking on eggshells around me, praying he won't make me so mad that I make him leave.

Basically I need to put these two things together and tell him that he needs to stop drinking and smoking if he wants to stay here. I hate to give an ultimatum like that - it DOES feel controlling. But I have a right to live the way I want as well. Ugh.

LexieCat

What if you dropped dead tomorrow? Would he not survive?

I think you aren't giving him enough credit for his survival instincts.

eaglette

Wendy, if you take into account the effort he puts into getting alcohol and having it around at all times, in spite of any financial difficulties, you will see that he is capable of accomplishing what he puts his mind to.

m1k3

Wendy, you can set boundaries but you can't control him. He will do what he chooses to do with or without you. You can control who is allowed to live in your house but that won't change him.

And boundaries are for you not him. I tried for 15 years to control my AW. Didn't work. The only thing I could control is how I choose to live my life.

Read step 1. It is undeniable truth.

Your friend

WendyOWilliams

I'm smiling at you eaglette.

skippernlilg

This is the kind of power that got us all in trouble. Please try to reach out to Al-anon folks in face-to-face meetings. Keep reading here, especially the permanent posts above called 'stickies', and maybe pick up a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. The library in my town had a copy I borrowed.

Keep posting!