Should I go back? Hi, I'm new.
 

6 weeks ago, I left my AH. By left, I mean we had a violent argument over his drinking that resulted in him throwing something at me and calling me a "piece of sh**". I packed my things and drove to the closest place I had friends, 3,000 miles away.

We're in our early 30's, no kids (or plans for kids), been married under 2 years. Knew he was a drunk when I married him. We both had doubts at the time.

The marriage has mostly been a nightmare for me. Even when he is deployed he finds a way to harass and monitor me.

The drinking is a big part, but he has also been abusive and controlling. He gets obsessive about me and insecure. He may have a personality disorder (as per a qualified mental health therapist) but that could also be due to the typical changes in a long time drinker's brain. Who knows. Point is, he has been squirrely to live with.

He's been in therapy for a few months now and very newly started going to AA. He is full of promises to never hurt me again and that he is dedicated to staying sober and working the steps. But I don't have to tell you all how many times I have heard promises before.

I miss him. I miss home. Of course, it wasn't all bad all the time. He makes me laugh and we are an awesome team in many ways.

I know I can make it on my own and I am not afraid of being by myself. I've been going to Al Anon and working on my own "stuff" with a therapist. I feel good and powerful and have a clear vision of the life I want for myself regardless of my marital status.

Today I find myself thinking I want to go back and give it another go. If it doesn't work out, I have the financial resources to leave. But I wonder what "recovery" actually looks like. How will I know if he is doing the work and "getting better"? I know I can't rely on his words. But I don't know what actions to look for.

I know to stay focused on my own recovery and build a life for myself outside of the marriage (friends, work, volunteering, etc) so that I have my OWN identity. But I slipped into the abyss with him once, how can I be sure that I won't slowly lose my confidence again and go back to that dark depressed state of mind?

It's a critical time, logistically. I have to stay put in one place for the next few years for my career. If we don't reconcile now, we're not gonna. Am I being a complete tool for even thinking of going back to him?

(((((Military Wife))))) WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great site with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been or are where you are now.

I am sorry for the reason you found us,. but grateful that you did.

Sounds like you have a pretty good 'handle' on what you have to do for you.

As to:

You can 'watch' from afar. His ACTIONS over time, NOT his words will show you if he is in recovery.

Now mind you, he will NOT be well in 60, 90, 120 days etc. Recovery is a lifelong task that we A's take on. However, the first year is the one that is the hardest and most confusing. I speak from personal experience of many years being sober and clean and almost as many years working on my co-dependence issues.

Do what you feel is best for YOU, without his recovery or 'lack of recovery' in the picture. If this is meant to be, somewhere down the line it will happen, if it is not meant to be, you will have your boundaries and your job and hobbies in place to continue to live as peaceful and serene a life as possible.

His 'bent' toward domestic violence may or may not be because of his Alcoholism, but I am grateful that you are 3,000 miles away.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much! Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, we all do it.

Again I am glad you found us!!!!

Love and hugs,

But I wonder what "recovery" actually looks like. How will I know if he is doing the work and "getting better"?

You'll know you're recovering when you no longer wonder if you should go back to a man who calls you "a piece of s***", who being married to has been "mostly a nightmare" & is "abusive & controlling"!!! Oh ... hang on ... you asked how you'd know if HE was recovering??? Well, to go back to my previous point - you'll know YOU are recovering when you no longer think about if he's recovering.
This sounds a little harsh doesn't it? I don't mean it to be as tactless as it sounds. I'm just having a terrible night experiencing more of the long term consequences of the crazy decisions I made in the past - specifically, to go back, over & over & over again, to a man who treated me like s*** & called me much worse names, who being married to was mostly a nightmare & who was abusive & controlling. I did it because it wasn't bad all the time, he made me laugh, we were an awesome team in other ways, I missed him & I missed home.
I would give almost anything to be able to turn back time & make different choices. I'm 47 now & bitterly regret not stepping away from the addict & giving my own recovery my 100% attention. However, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time - & so will you. I would sincerely encourage you to keep coming back to this forum & reading everything you can. This forum & my personal therapist have been a life boat for me. I wish you all the best.
Helen

I forgot this was your first post. I should have begun by saying welcome - there is collectively about 10,000 years of personal experience & a ton of wonderful people here :)

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand trying to live with active alcoholism, and we understand feeling confused.

You said:
The drinking is a big part, but he has also been abusive and controlling. He gets obsessive about me and insecure. He may have a personality disorder (as per a qualified mental health therapist) but that could also be due to the typical changes in a long time drinker's brain. Who knows. Point is, he has been squirrely to live with.

These issues won't disappear overnight.
These issues require serious, long term recovery.

I think you know what your gut says.
Listen to your instincts.

Make plans for your life, recovery, and future where you are safe. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse. Alcohol and verbal abuse/physical violence (throwing something at you) are a dangerous combination. He may have not hurt you physically, YET.

Something I have found in common with other members is my magical thinking while being involved in an unhealthy relationship.
I tell myself things like:
"He isnt always that way"
"It will be better this time"
"I know how to handle myself"
"He doesnt do x, y, z" (but I needed to add YET)
"He promised to do better"

That magical thinking kept me stuck.

Right now you have removed yourself from an unhealthy situation. You are not stuck. You also don't need to decide your entire future by 3 p.m. today, right?

Give yourself as much time as needed (2 years) to make healthy choices for YOU.

YOU are worth the time and effort!

Welcome,

Honestly, I would trust my gut. He has just started AA, he has a looong way to go. I wouldn't consider doing a thing until he is clean and sober for a minimum of 1 year, and continued his therapy for his abuse issues.

Sounds like he has been drinking for a long time, this is not going to correct itself in a few months, and for some it is never overcome.

Two years in the overall spectrum of life is a short time, why not sit back and watch from afar, if it is mean't to be, it will happen.

Keep posting and reading around the forum, it will help.

Welcome. You are not a tool in thinking to return. You are just like many of us here.

Ultimately you have to decide. It doesn't matter what I suggest you should do. Which is to NOT return, BTW.

If you return, go back with your eyes wide open. His recovery from alcohol is a very long process. The odds for success are low. However it does happen. They typically don't succeed the first few times they start. And almost never succeed unless they choose for themselves to change.

They are master liars and manipulators. He will say anything to get you back.

Spend some time here reading. You'll find you are not alone. And there is hundreds of years of experience here.

Good luck.

Yes, and for me too the abuse element is the key. That is not likely to disappear just because the alcohol does.

There are no guarantees in life. There's no guarantee he'll stay focused on his recovery, just as there is no guarantee you'll stay focused on yours. The more you work your recovery though, the stronger it will become, and the more likely you are to stick with it!

That is all you can control. Your recovery.

It sounds like you are not really ready to make a decision - so don't. Sit with it for a little while longer, and more will be revealed - I promise. The answers will come in time - just keep working on you.

Is he the one that wants you back? I have a feeling he is the one insisting, that it was not your idea.

What does your therapist say, have you shared this with him/her?

Welcome to SR!

Hi,
Your question about what recovery looks like is one I asked a lot too when I first found this site (except you are waaaaay further in recovery and more grounded than me!). I am still not sure what it looks like but I know the qualities I need in a marriage and I've decided that when those things are in place that would mean there was recovery... Unfortanately I've heard the promises and not seen the action to accompany it so I won't be around to see if he ever recovers...

For me, recovery looks like:
- honesty bc it's something you want to do, not bc it's an obligation or chore
- empathy, being able to see things from another's perspective even if it's not your experience and try to appreciate or at least validate their feelings
- willingness and ability and mutually agreed upon DESIRE to resolve conflicts when they arise, air feelings, deal with discomfort as it comes up and then move forward with a plan to not have the same problems continue to occur.
- shared values that are an active part of everyday living

To me these things are things that I'd talked to AH about pre marriage in pre-cana classes. I thought we were on board with living life according to the above and that it was what we both WANTED (not an obligation). Turns out AH liked the sound of the above but not the work required to do it. To him the above are obligations and he is full of resentment that these are things I want in a marriage. I'm not going to fight with him or try to make him want the same things as me or try to force his recovery to meet my needs in some way. I've just decided that what I am asking for is reasonable and basic and that he and I aren't on the same page with these things and therefore I don't need to stick around and beg for something I won't get...

Sorry for the ramble... Anyway, that's what I think recovery would look like-- well that and not drinking...

"The marriage has 'mostly' been a nightmare for me."

"Even when he's deployed he finds a way to harass and monitor me."

"Drinking is a big part but he has also been abusive and controlling."

"Of course it wasn't all bad all the time. He makes me laugh and we are an awesome team in many ways."

MilitaryWife, this last comment threw me. Are you willing to accept a few laughs between the abuse, harassment and controlling behaviour?

Maybe fear of the unknown without him is causing you to soften the extent of what you describe as two years of a marriage that "has mostly been a nightmare for you"

I wish you well and am glad to read that you are working with a therapist.

Thanks. I appreciate all of the feedback. I may not respond individually, but please know I am reading and rereading every word and taking it onboard.

Yes, he is pressuring me to come back before his deployment cycle, but then he will say take as much time as I need. And then will say it doesn't make sense that we are apart and not seeing each other for 2 years (his deployments) and somehow working on the marriage at the same time. I try to articulate that we have to work on ourselves first or there IS no marriage to come together for until we do that. I'm not sure he really gets what I am saying.

No, I don't have to decide what to do right this hot minute. But I do feel an urgency because of my career...I don't want to get too heavy into details, but I have to get involved in a few things which will require me to be geographically in one place for at least the next few years. It will not be good for me to pick up and move in a year or so, drop my affiliations, etc. And H can't move because he is where the military puts him. Maybe none of it matters and this is just the excuses we make.

I hope that makes a little more sense. A lot of the push I feel to *be* somewhere is because of my own career requirements.

I am wary because he does say the "right" things. When I talk to him, sometimes it feels like there is a veil up and we don't really connect on a human level if that makes sense. It feels like he is doing the steps without having his heart in the dance.

I don't want to go back to an unsafe situation. I know I deserve the best and don't have to live with abuse. I have come such a long way and am hesitant to go back into what may become the proverbial slowly boiling pot of water. I am hesitant that his issues and behaviors will again overwhelm me and I lose my focus with my own recovery and life.

A lot rattling around in my head!

The older I get, the more I look at people do and how they act, and not what they say.

With that being said-the military has support for spouses of active duty soldiers. I can direct you to those if you would like. The program is called EAP and his command never has to know.

Please take care of yourself.

I'm glad you are here, welcome to SR.

If you go back you are going back to EXACTLY what you left. If that's how you want to live, go back. If not, don't, and seek therapy, recovery or both to figure out why you'd even consider it knowing what you know.

Would you advise anybody on this earth to go back to that man? If not, why would you? If so...

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

This is exactly what my XAH did. He also deals with a combo of alcoholism and personality disorder and possibly something else (doesn't matter). And he "graduated" from his rehab program with a gold star. His therapist said to me he wished all his clients were that committed to their recovery.

What none of the experts saw was that my AXH, the Master Manipulator, figured out what kind of behavior was expected of him -- and then displayed that behavior. Because he knew if he wanted to keep his job and ever see his kids again -- that's what he had to do.

Did he change? HELL NO. The minute he was granted joint custody of the kids, he told me that he wasn't an alcoholic; that he was only drinking because I was so awful to be married to, etc.

I'm usually very cautious in advising a fellow codependent to trust your gut -- but I think in this case, trust this feeling:

If you think that's what he's doing, you're probably right.

And you know what else?
It's amazing how high you can fly without an alcoholic spouse bogging you down. It's amazing how a relationship with a normal person can build you up.

I'd want at least a year of documented sobriety before even opening up discussions. But that's just me. You have to make your choices.

MilitaryWife, A question I often ask myself is how does X help my recovery. So my question for you is: how does moving back with him help your recovery?

Your friend,

AL ANON saved my life...!! keep going and going...you DO NOT have to make a quick decision rite away...and for you and your safety dont go back at this time and moment...actions speak louder than words...

good for you on leaving...alot of us in here stay not for 2 years but 10- 20-30 even 40 years of marriage..

this is self care and for rite now, YOU ARE IMPORTANT

All I had to read was the first two lines of your post in order to answer "no, you should not go back." Of course we all have to make our own decisions though.

OP Quote (((The marriage has mostly been a nightmare for me. Even when he is deployed he finds a way to harass and monitor me.
The drinking is a big part, but he has also been abusive and controlling. He gets obsessive about me and insecure. He may have a personality disorder.
Point is, he has been squirrely to live with.
But I don't have to tell you all how many times I have heard promises before.
Of course, it wasn't all bad all the time. He makes me laugh and we are an awesome team in many ways.))))

Your marriage description sounds like the movie was totally crap and miserable, but the advert were good.

The one to decide your moves is YOU, and if you really do want a life with alcoholism, bullyboy tactics and no respect then you should stay with him, as he gives it all to you.

If however you wish something better, fulfilling and happier for yourself, then go for it and grab it with both hands.

Only you can decide if you want to give it one more try but my vote is for NOT going back. Recovery takes time and a few weeks or months just is not enough time.