What can I expect about ABF in rehab?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 17
What can I expect about ABF in rehab?
After two years living with closet drinker and occasional ugly drunk who has lost all zest for living and working (and who has been unemployed for three year and two of them living with me) I decided to pull the plug and stop enabling. I planned on evicting him with a lawyer's help but thought before I did that I would have him try rehab. So I told him No Promises, but the ONLY way we would ever be together long term is if he sought professional help and went into rehab. But now I'm wondering, is a month in rehab enough for anyone? I mean, I'd it even possible that he will come out clean for the rest of his lfe? Did I do the right thing or should I have just kicked him out and let m fend for himself? Problem is that rehab is expensive and he has no health insuraance, otherwise I'd insist on three months. But I won't pay for the entire thing because I feel like that is more coddling and codependency. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
I am dating a RA. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and he has been sober for 10 mths now.
The thing that sticks out to me about your post is that it's you having him go to rehab. In my experience, rehab will not work until he does it for himself. He has to be at the point of being ready and determined to focus on getting himself well not matter what. No matter if you are going to still be around, no matter the cost, no matter the length of time.
As far as is 1 month long enough.... my personal opinion is that it's not. From what I have seen and experienced, one month is basically long enough for them to dry out. It takes a month before they start to feel ok from going through detox and withdrawls. The A is probably feeling strong by the end of the first month, but I believe that's when they need to still be in rehab to start learning how to deal with their alcoholism, the importance of the 12 steps and how to work and apply those to their lives, and to be surrounded by the resources and support that rehab provides.
During our 2 1/2 years together, my bf was in and out of rehab 4 different times, but the last time he went in to rehab he finally had hit rock bottom and was begging for help. At that point, a 90 day program was recommended to him and for the first time he was willing to listen to the professionals instead of trying to work it out his way. I am so thankful he did. I truly feel like 90 days was a good amount of time for him to heal both physically and mentally.
I really feel for you. It's such a roller coaster going through all of this. I'm sure you are like me, you love him and ending your relationship is the last thing you want......you just want him well so you can have a life together.
Stay strong, but I know first hand how hard that is to do. Follow your gut feeling. You will know if he's serious about sobriety.
The thing that sticks out to me about your post is that it's you having him go to rehab. In my experience, rehab will not work until he does it for himself. He has to be at the point of being ready and determined to focus on getting himself well not matter what. No matter if you are going to still be around, no matter the cost, no matter the length of time.
As far as is 1 month long enough.... my personal opinion is that it's not. From what I have seen and experienced, one month is basically long enough for them to dry out. It takes a month before they start to feel ok from going through detox and withdrawls. The A is probably feeling strong by the end of the first month, but I believe that's when they need to still be in rehab to start learning how to deal with their alcoholism, the importance of the 12 steps and how to work and apply those to their lives, and to be surrounded by the resources and support that rehab provides.
During our 2 1/2 years together, my bf was in and out of rehab 4 different times, but the last time he went in to rehab he finally had hit rock bottom and was begging for help. At that point, a 90 day program was recommended to him and for the first time he was willing to listen to the professionals instead of trying to work it out his way. I am so thankful he did. I truly feel like 90 days was a good amount of time for him to heal both physically and mentally.
I really feel for you. It's such a roller coaster going through all of this. I'm sure you are like me, you love him and ending your relationship is the last thing you want......you just want him well so you can have a life together.
Stay strong, but I know first hand how hard that is to do. Follow your gut feeling. You will know if he's serious about sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 17
Thanks to bejeweled
Many thanks for your post bejeweled. Yours is among the several I've seen on this site noting the many times partners or spouses have been in and out of rehab, which worries me a lot. And I agree, it would have been best for him to have thought of rehab on his own and done it on his own. But I also needed to figure out a way to get him help AND get him out of my house, which would have been tough any other way because while i legally own the house and the mortgage, he has spent money on the house too and views it as his home too. I feel he has forfeited the right to share this home by his lying and abusive behavior. Question is, if it's a disease, is it HIS FAULT or mine for supporting and enabling him? he is unemployed and has been for three years, but again is that his fault or the ecoomony's fault? I'm so confused about where the responsibility lies for his problem and what duty I owe if any.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Most sober alcoholics I know have never been to rehab. Rehabs can get someone committed to being sober off to a good start, but plenty of people get sober without it. And if you don't WANT to get sober and stay that way, five years wouldn't be long enough.
What I'm hearing in your post is that packing him off to rehab was a way to get him off your "responsibility" list without excessive guilt. But it doesn't seem to be working for you because you are still trying to figure out what your responsibility for him is.
The answer really is "none". I suggest you focus on your own life and recovery (and I strongly suggest Al-Anon) at this time, and you can revisit the relationship if you want to, once he's been sober for awhile.
What I'm hearing in your post is that packing him off to rehab was a way to get him off your "responsibility" list without excessive guilt. But it doesn't seem to be working for you because you are still trying to figure out what your responsibility for him is.
The answer really is "none". I suggest you focus on your own life and recovery (and I strongly suggest Al-Anon) at this time, and you can revisit the relationship if you want to, once he's been sober for awhile.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, you don't need to figure out how to get him help. That is his responsibility, not yours. I have not seen any cases where forced rehab is a cure all. And, rehab is only a start, a baby step towards recovery. The hard part comes later.
As for your home, he has lived there rent free for two years, so I wouldn't be concerned about the what he has bought for the house. I would go to an attorney and find out what my rights are, as it varys from state to state. Or at least google your state and see what the laws are relating to tenant/roommate rights. Here in Florida, if the roommate lived with you for 6 months or more, you can not just toss them out. So, I had to come up with another way to get rid of him, and, I did.
Might be a good idea to attend some meetings, and keep reading around this forum, certainly can't hurt.
As for your home, he has lived there rent free for two years, so I wouldn't be concerned about the what he has bought for the house. I would go to an attorney and find out what my rights are, as it varys from state to state. Or at least google your state and see what the laws are relating to tenant/roommate rights. Here in Florida, if the roommate lived with you for 6 months or more, you can not just toss them out. So, I had to come up with another way to get rid of him, and, I did.
Might be a good idea to attend some meetings, and keep reading around this forum, certainly can't hurt.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Cmslind 
Question is, if it's a disease, is it HIS FAULT or mine for supporting and enabling him? he is unemployed and has been for three years, but again is that his fault or the ecoomony's fault?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
