changeschoices

I know I'm codependent--if I wasn't, I would have run the other way when I started dating XABF and found out he had 2 OUI-related arrests in the previous two months. I realize now that a healthy person would not do all of the "helping" stuff that I did that was totally inappropriate for one adult to do for another on a long-term basis. But I thought codependents were supposed to be into giving, and I wasn't. I was exhausted, pissed off (though trying to contain it), and sick of waiting for some equality in the relationship.

The irony is that, when he broke up with me, he said it's because I didn't give him enough space or let him live his own life. I gave up my own space and life to attend to his neediness! Whenever I went out to do things on my own, I would get the unspoken message that he did not like me doing my own thing. He never voiced any jealousy over me having my own life—I could just feel the tension from him. I used to exercise regularly, go out with friends, enjoy my hobbies. I slowly gave everything up to spend all my time with him. His only enjoyment is sleeping, eating sweets, and watching DVDs. He totally let himself go in our relationship, eating very unhealthy and gaining a lot of weight, sleeping a ton, not looking very hard for work, not seeing friends. I thought he was just depressed, but that doesn’t explain why he didn’t want me to do anything for myself, either.

I believe that I have been in two relationships in my life that had codependent qualities. In both cases, these men (both addicts, btw) pursued me ardently. Once I was won over, their neediness kicked in and I grudgingly started giving more than I wanted to. I've had several other relationships in my life where there was no codependency at all. So am I truly codependent? Or did I just attract a couple of addicts in my life? Can an addict trigger your codependency?

If you've made it through this novel...give it to me straight--I can take it!

LifeRecovery

For me the codependency was in place way BEFORE the relationship with an active A. I had even done some significant recovery with it prior to meeting my ex.

Just tonight after my meeting I was thinking about this. I am actually grateful because living with an A is what FINALLY got me to start implementing my skills to get me out of codependent behavior. I think I asked for/needed this relationship to force myself to stretch into uncomfortable territory for me (I don't mean that anyone deserves to be in a tough relationship). There were minimal signs of concerns prior to getting married but two weeks to the day after we got married a binge drinking episode with punching windows, breaking his camera and kicking our dog occurred. Within a year I was able to set my first significant boundaries which I had not been able to do before, etc.

It was only after this growth that my other relationships
1. I began to notice my enabling behavior in them
2. Was able to make any significant lasting changes in them also

I think that I had to hit bottom with my A prior to be able to change the rest of my life. I can't believe I am going to say this but I am so grateful for the experience that it offered me (as hard as it is) and I am also POSITIVE that if it had not been with this individual I would have found what I needed in another relationship for this type of growth.

I have no idea if that makes any sense or if I am just stuck in my own cosmic ruminatings.

LaTeeDa

I see codependency as a broadly-defined set of behaviors that lead to unhappiness, suffering, and a general dissatisfaction with life. Not everyone possesses all the behaviors. In fact, probably very few do.

For me, it means my happiness, well-being, and satisfaction with life was based on someone elses actions. I defined myself by who was in my life, and how they were doing. Looking back, it is easy to see how this is a recipe for disaster. But, like mentioned above, it was there long before I married an A. It was how I was raised. Heck, it was how my parents were raised, and probably their parents before them.

In order to recognize the parts of me that were the cause of my suffering, I had to examine every value and belief I ever held and decide if it was something that enhanced my life, or not. (Probably shouldn't put that in past tense, since it is an ongoing and ever-evolving process.)

Anyway, codependence is just a label as far as I'm concerned. It gave me a place to work from and helped me to determine that I wasn't inherently flawed as a human being. I just needed to look at my view of the world and consider re-mapping it.

L

LexieCat

I agree with LTD. I think the disease of alcoholism naturally makes people who are basically compassionate (and not in any way pathological) engage in unhealthy behavior. A lot of those are the typical "co-dependent" behaviors--natural instincts to be loving and helpful that go awry because the relationship becomes unhealthy due to the effects of alcoholism.

I certainly don't think everyone who loves an alcoholic and has co-dependent features in that relationship is someone who is going to be unhealthy in other kinds of relationships. (Though it may take some recovery work to "get over" the unhealthy one).

changeschoices

Thank you guys for the insights so far. One thing I am realizing about the past week and a half or so before I got dumped is that I had started getting really, really tired and depressed of his neediness, and I'd started setting boundaries:

• When he got mean to me on the phone, I'd say, "I can't take this right now, I have to go."
• When he didn't help out around the house with the things he'd offered to (clean litter box, mow lawn), I asked him (not in a mean way) if he was going to do it or if I should do it myself, but that it had to be done because it was getting out of hand.
• He had been literally screaming at the top of his lungs at me one afternoon while walking down a city street talking on his cell phone (dry drunk behavior? It just did NOT seem like the behavior of a person doing well 'in recovery'), I gently told him later that night that I was hurting and that we would have to break up if he could not stop screaming at me because the chaos was making it hard for me to function.
• I'd asked him to stop helping himself to my extra plastic bags and batteries and just various sundry things that he felt he could help himself to at my house and take back to his apartment. And to stop running the shower while he wasn't in it. He'd turn on the shower and then get in and out to do whatever other things he did (poop? shave?) and he'd run that darn shower for what seemed like half an hour. At my house. With me paying all the bills.
• I told him I was tired of driving him to job interviews, back to his apartment, and to a meeting every night and that he would have to take a bus more because I was spending so much time and gas driving him around (he has no car, no job, and literally no money).
• I'd asked him to help me with a few simple graphics for my new website and he couldn't be bothered even though he is a graphic designer.
• I asked him to make dinner one night--in 1.5 years, he had made dinner for me ONCE.
• I asked him to stop asking me to buy cigarettes for him! Cigarettes are not necessary when you are unemployed and have many other bills to pay.
• I asked him to pick up free passes to a local art museum from the library so we could take the kids there to visit the botanical garden. He forgot all about it and scheduled a job interview that day instead. And then never got the passes so we could go another day.
• I asked him to go to a park with me on my birthday (tried to think of something fun and free to do because he had no money to take me anywhere) and we went, but he was pissy the whole time--we had to walk past some raspberry bushes (which had delicious raspberries that I enjoyed very much, btw ) and he got angry about the prickers; he made a big cranky deal out of how "hard" it was to wade through a stream to get to a bridge; he got quite irritated that a few ants dared to make their way onto our picnic blanket. In short, he was a giant crankypants.

• I also told him calmly and lovingly that, in general, I couldn't always do everything he wanted me to because I was getting quite physically worn out from all the running around and that he would have to accept that there were some things I could not do for him.

Two days before he broke up with me, when I expressed sadness and disappointment about needing more from him, he began yelling at me and did this mocking thing where he stood over me and taunted me by saying, "Poor you, you think you're such a martyr. You're always the victim. Everyone hurts you, everyone let's you down. All you do is complain! Nothing anyone does is ever enough for you!" I just burst into tears, and that was the end of the discussion.

Yes, he is an alcoholic in recovery, but was I really supposed to "keep stress out of his life" by not asking him to let ME have a life or by asking him to scoop the kitty litter? It seems to me there are plenty of addicts in recovery who can devote the time needed to their recovery and still manage to mow a lawn, refrain from screaming at their loved ones, and not take all their darn plastic bags, lol!

So yes, I was codependent (unwillingly) and when I started gently setting the boundaries, I got accused of being a victim and then dumped. The first thing he did after he broke up with me was go to his mom's (he's 40 years old, btw) and get money from her for cigarettes. Then the next day he got her to drive him to the grocery store. Sigh...why, why, why was I dating this winner?

Jazzman

When taking the CD self test I answered yes to only a very few questions, not even enough to qualify for the label you eliminate the obvious, like have you ever been concerned about some ones drinking. But I certainly adopted the care taker role I (apparently) learned so well from my Mother (bless her heart) when I found myself in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

I was like.. Woah! where'd that weird **** come from? Oh yeah.. duh! *smacks forehead*
Who in the world could NOT benefit from unlearning unhealthy behavior in relationships?

dollydo

Sigh...why, why, why was I dating this winner?

I have asked myself that very question, how in the world did I hook up with my exabf. I claim a moment of total insanity.

Some people get very touchy about the word codependent, to me, it is just a word, nothing more. If I don't call myself that, I have to come up with another word, like personality disorder, people pleaser, a person with weak bounderies and so on. So, I call myself codependent. I agree with LaTeeDa...it is broadly-defined.

To me, all that really matters, is that we are working on our short comings, we are aware of our issues and will do everything in our power to not get involved with another person who has the disease of addiction. My friends and family have told me I can no longer use "temporary insanity" as a cop out, so, I must get healthy, I must recover from being an enabler, and I will.

You are doing great, keep moving forward and if you see an addict heading your way...do what I do....run!