Letter to AH in treatment
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
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Letter to AH in treatment
I was asked to write a letter to my AH who is in treatment. I would appreciate your honest feedback... do you think this is a mistake to send? Do you think I should I even bother? ** Thanks!
Dear AH,
Living with you (when you are drinking) makes me feel like I am living in a minefield. I am always on guard and waiting for you to explode in anger and start throwing something or screaming at me or the dog or the kids.
When you are drinking, the best nights for me are when you are passed out because then you are not out driving around drunk or yelling insults at the golfers in our backyard. You are not hitting golf balls at the house (or at me) and you are not throwing things around the garage or smashing other people’s property. Best of all, when you are passed out, you are not saying all the disgusting and hurtful things that always make me cry.
So, when you are awake, I tiptoe around the minefield hoping not to set you off with something I say (or don’t say). I try to keep the peace around the house because it’s a lot easier to try to pacify you than it is to stand up for myself. My heart starts pounding and I get very nervous on my way home from work each day because I never really know what I will be walking into at home. You can be very scary to be around when you are drunk.
I have become very lonely being married to you. Even though you are “here” all the time, you are never really here. I have learned not to make plans with you because they are always contingent on how drunk you are. A couple of weeks ago, I had to cancel our dinner plans with DS#1 because you were so drunk. I have learned that I cannot count on you… ever… for anything. When you do help me out by replacing the brakes in my car or doing a project around the house, you tell me for weeks how worthless I am without you and that I should just do it myself next time.
You are often talking about how the only thing I care about is money, but that isn’t true. What I care about is that I get up at 5 am, work hard all day long and then come home to a messy house and dirty kitchen (which I have to clean up so I can make dinner). Then, after I make dinner, I clean up the kitchen again – do some laundry – and maybe mow the lawn if it needs it. You get up in the morning and drink. Then you drive drunk to the bank to get more money so you can buy more booze.
Sometimes the kids will call me or text me during the day to say that you are very drunk and you did or said something horrible. I had to tell DS#3 to call the police last year the day you ransacked his room and smashed his TV and PS3. Recently, DS#2 texted me to say that you were “scary drunk” and not even coherent, but he made you something to eat and convinced you to go to bed. I’ve had to tell the kids to call the police if at any time they are afraid of you.
We have been married for a very long time, but I swear I don’t know you at all anymore. I don’t know if you are even capable of telling the truth… maybe you never could and I just didn’t know it. The worst part for me is that somewhere between the lies, the anger and the tears, I don’t seem to know who I am anymore either.
I love you and I hope and pray that you find recovery. I know that I can’t make you well and I know that I can’t even make you want to get well, but I do hope you will. Love, KerBearz
Dear AH,
Living with you (when you are drinking) makes me feel like I am living in a minefield. I am always on guard and waiting for you to explode in anger and start throwing something or screaming at me or the dog or the kids.
When you are drinking, the best nights for me are when you are passed out because then you are not out driving around drunk or yelling insults at the golfers in our backyard. You are not hitting golf balls at the house (or at me) and you are not throwing things around the garage or smashing other people’s property. Best of all, when you are passed out, you are not saying all the disgusting and hurtful things that always make me cry.
So, when you are awake, I tiptoe around the minefield hoping not to set you off with something I say (or don’t say). I try to keep the peace around the house because it’s a lot easier to try to pacify you than it is to stand up for myself. My heart starts pounding and I get very nervous on my way home from work each day because I never really know what I will be walking into at home. You can be very scary to be around when you are drunk.
I have become very lonely being married to you. Even though you are “here” all the time, you are never really here. I have learned not to make plans with you because they are always contingent on how drunk you are. A couple of weeks ago, I had to cancel our dinner plans with DS#1 because you were so drunk. I have learned that I cannot count on you… ever… for anything. When you do help me out by replacing the brakes in my car or doing a project around the house, you tell me for weeks how worthless I am without you and that I should just do it myself next time.
You are often talking about how the only thing I care about is money, but that isn’t true. What I care about is that I get up at 5 am, work hard all day long and then come home to a messy house and dirty kitchen (which I have to clean up so I can make dinner). Then, after I make dinner, I clean up the kitchen again – do some laundry – and maybe mow the lawn if it needs it. You get up in the morning and drink. Then you drive drunk to the bank to get more money so you can buy more booze.
Sometimes the kids will call me or text me during the day to say that you are very drunk and you did or said something horrible. I had to tell DS#3 to call the police last year the day you ransacked his room and smashed his TV and PS3. Recently, DS#2 texted me to say that you were “scary drunk” and not even coherent, but he made you something to eat and convinced you to go to bed. I’ve had to tell the kids to call the police if at any time they are afraid of you.
We have been married for a very long time, but I swear I don’t know you at all anymore. I don’t know if you are even capable of telling the truth… maybe you never could and I just didn’t know it. The worst part for me is that somewhere between the lies, the anger and the tears, I don’t seem to know who I am anymore either.
I love you and I hope and pray that you find recovery. I know that I can’t make you well and I know that I can’t even make you want to get well, but I do hope you will. Love, KerBearz
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ehhhhh.... I think it was a good exercise to write, but I don't think I'd send it.
I don't think it would help anything--you or him. I get that you want him to understand what his drinking is doing to you, and to your relationship. I just don't think that someone who is just in early treatment is going to be able to respond the way you would like him to.
If he sticks with the recovery, he will eventually see what life was like for you. If he doesn't, I don't think telling him will get through to him.
Know what I mean?
I don't think it would help anything--you or him. I get that you want him to understand what his drinking is doing to you, and to your relationship. I just don't think that someone who is just in early treatment is going to be able to respond the way you would like him to.
If he sticks with the recovery, he will eventually see what life was like for you. If he doesn't, I don't think telling him will get through to him.
Know what I mean?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Thanks, Lexie. I agree that it probably won't make any difference, but they asked me and the kids to write letters and explain how his alcoholism has affected our lives. Honestly, he doesn't ever seem to remember anything I say. This is his 5th inpatient stay! I'm thinking that I might not bother to send it
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
KerBearz,
I am so sorry that you and the kids have had to live this way. it is horrible. I hope that if he does not change you will find a way for you and the children to be safe and happy. life is just too short and your kids will be grown before you know it.
You deserve so much more, KerBearz.
sending a big hug,
chicory
I am so sorry that you and the kids have had to live this way. it is horrible. I hope that if he does not change you will find a way for you and the children to be safe and happy. life is just too short and your kids will be grown before you know it.
You deserve so much more, KerBearz.
sending a big hug,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
I was asked to write a letter to my AH when he was in treatment this time last year. I think I wrote 10 letters but none captured what impact his drinking had on me and his children. I was so numb, so stressed from everything. I was told the letters were to be read aloud to a group for everyone to discuss and I just didnt want my feelings aired out to other people. Your letter sounds like you spent alot of time writing it and I can relate to alot of what you discribed. I hope you can find yourself again and that your children can have peace in their home.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I got the same request one of the two times XAH was in inpatient rehab. (I don't remember which)
I knew that they'd be reading them in group, and figured that if I couldn't get through to him then, I never would. So I let him have it. I poured it all out.
Apparently, once sober, those words hit hard.
Did they make a difference?
Damned if I know. I was pretty much beyond hope for a repair of the marriage. But it did feel good to get it out.
If it was his 5th time, though, I don't know if I would have bothered, honestly...
I knew that they'd be reading them in group, and figured that if I couldn't get through to him then, I never would. So I let him have it. I poured it all out.
Apparently, once sober, those words hit hard.
Did they make a difference?
Damned if I know. I was pretty much beyond hope for a repair of the marriage. But it did feel good to get it out.
If it was his 5th time, though, I don't know if I would have bothered, honestly...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Who is asking you to do this? The rehab center? If so this amazes me and makes me question if they know what they are doing. I doubt that any of this will sink in during early recovery.
Your choice obviously but I am unable to see a benefit.
Your choice obviously but I am unable to see a benefit.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I wonder about that rehab, too. I can't think of much that would have been less helpful to me, when I was newly sober, than to hear that sort of thing. Stuff like that can be helpful in getting someone in deep denial to accept treatment (a la intervention), and ultimately can be good to communicate when we are at the point of trying to mend relationships. I just remember that when I was newly sober I felt overwhelmed about all the things I had screwed up and having someone list them for me, at that point, would have made me feel overwhelmingly discouraged. Just my thoughts. I've never been in rehab, and I don't know how the counselors help people digest that sort of thing. It's all stuff we do need to face, but early recovery just seems not to be the time for it.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Your letter paints a picture of a very horrible situation at home for you and your kids.
If the letter serves any purpose, I hope that it makes you realize you deserve so much more than what you have been given by him. No one should have to live the way you describe. Your kids deserve so much more too.
Are you going to al anon meetings? Are you making any plans to remove yourself and your kids from this situation? This is where I'd put my energy. I wouldn't waste it trying to explain to your AH what he has done and how his drinking effects you. If he truly finds recovery, he'll figure it out on his own.
I lived with completely unacceptable behavior from my exah too so you'll get no judgment from me. AT some point, we just have to say enough is enough...ya know?
Hugs and strength...
Mary
If the letter serves any purpose, I hope that it makes you realize you deserve so much more than what you have been given by him. No one should have to live the way you describe. Your kids deserve so much more too.
Are you going to al anon meetings? Are you making any plans to remove yourself and your kids from this situation? This is where I'd put my energy. I wouldn't waste it trying to explain to your AH what he has done and how his drinking effects you. If he truly finds recovery, he'll figure it out on his own.
I lived with completely unacceptable behavior from my exah too so you'll get no judgment from me. AT some point, we just have to say enough is enough...ya know?
Hugs and strength...
Mary
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I trust the professionals to know what they're doing. I'd send it. Are the kids sending one, too? Seems like theirs would have a big impact, but I know from experience that children are afraid to step up to their alcoholic this way.
I'm so, so sorry you have had this misery in your life
I'm so, so sorry you have had this misery in your life
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Does sending it benefit you in some way? Will you feel better putting it out there?
I am dubious about rehab asking more from the family, when they've already been through so much. Rehab is working on the patient, but you need to take care of yourself and your kids. I'd also worry that anything you (or the kids) say could be thrown back at you once he returns if the rehab doesn't take.
Again, do what feels safe and sensible for you. You seem very articulate and clear headed. Power to you for being able to write it for yourself if no one else.
I am dubious about rehab asking more from the family, when they've already been through so much. Rehab is working on the patient, but you need to take care of yourself and your kids. I'd also worry that anything you (or the kids) say could be thrown back at you once he returns if the rehab doesn't take.
Again, do what feels safe and sensible for you. You seem very articulate and clear headed. Power to you for being able to write it for yourself if no one else.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by tjp613 
I trust the professionals to know what they're doing. I'd send it. Are the kids sending one, too? Seems like theirs would have a big impact, but I know from experience that children are afraid to step up to their alcoholic this way.
I'm so, so sorry you have had this misery in your life
I'm so, so sorry you have had this misery in your life
I hope you and the kids are doing better.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
From my experience in treatment/rehab, the counselors and other professionals there know exactly what they are doing. My spouse wasn't asked by my counselors to write me a letter, so I don't have any direct experience with that.
The letters could be for a variety of reasons - to help him, to help you, to help both, etc.
One thing I learned in treatment is that it's best if I don't question the directions I'm given. This applies too to the instructions in the big book. Basically I just need to shut up and follow directions.
The letters could be for a variety of reasons - to help him, to help you, to help both, etc.
One thing I learned in treatment is that it's best if I don't question the directions I'm given. This applies too to the instructions in the big book. Basically I just need to shut up and follow directions.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
My AH has never been in treatment, so I've not been through this. There's so much hopelessness in where we are... at least from a reparation of the relationship standpoint. But some people succeed.
If they asked, and you wrote it, you might as well send it. It's extremely well written to express so many things that are familiar to so many of us. Well done!
Tigg
If they asked, and you wrote it, you might as well send it. It's extremely well written to express so many things that are familiar to so many of us. Well done!
Tigg
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
I also did something similar when XABF was in rehab. Personally, I don't know how much it will actually sink in and for how long it will actually mean something to him. But I think that, especially since you've already written the letter, you might as well send it. For me, sending it would help take some of the burden of everything I've been through off of my back as well. Even if it just a tiny pebbles worth. I think it would be a tiny bit therapeutic. That's what the counselors are aiming for I think.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Oh boy....I said alot of those things in our face to face meeting while my AH was in rehab. I also had to write them down.
After $10 grand, a divorce, 7 months later, his mind is still sick and it is not healed
So I would say my paper letters are the next best thing to a roll of Charmin Toliet Paper
But good for me to go back & read when I need a good reminder of why I got divorced..
After $10 grand, a divorce, 7 months later, his mind is still sick and it is not healed
So I would say my paper letters are the next best thing to a roll of Charmin Toliet Paper
But good for me to go back & read when I need a good reminder of why I got divorced..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
I appreciate all the feedback, so thanks everyone!
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this today, and I think I'm going to send the letter. I doubt that my husband is at the point that he will really get it, but I think it is useful information for the counselor if nothing else. I believe the kids are all going to send one too.
One thing that I think I should clarify - the "kids" are 18, 20 & 22. Not really children anymore, but they have definitely been affected by alcoholism. I have really tried over the years to provide some balance in the house - the issues surrounding alcoholism have not been swept under the rug and I have tried to be honest with the kids. Sadly, I have also tried to protect them and shelter them which has probably allowed this to go on a lot longer than it might have otherwise.
Writing this letter was tough for me - it's hard to take an honest look at my life and realize just how sick the situation is. I know now that I haven't really protected my kids at all... I have probably just been protecting my AH all of these years.
On the bright side - I have consulted 2 different attorneys (and I have 1 more I want to call) and I have all the paperwork that needs to be filled out. I'm not messing around with this anymore and I am pretty determined to move forward with my life now. You are all right ~ the kids and I do deserve to have a better life!
I have spent a lot of time thinking about this today, and I think I'm going to send the letter. I doubt that my husband is at the point that he will really get it, but I think it is useful information for the counselor if nothing else. I believe the kids are all going to send one too.
One thing that I think I should clarify - the "kids" are 18, 20 & 22. Not really children anymore, but they have definitely been affected by alcoholism. I have really tried over the years to provide some balance in the house - the issues surrounding alcoholism have not been swept under the rug and I have tried to be honest with the kids. Sadly, I have also tried to protect them and shelter them which has probably allowed this to go on a lot longer than it might have otherwise.
Writing this letter was tough for me - it's hard to take an honest look at my life and realize just how sick the situation is. I know now that I haven't really protected my kids at all... I have probably just been protecting my AH all of these years.
On the bright side - I have consulted 2 different attorneys (and I have 1 more I want to call) and I have all the paperwork that needs to be filled out. I'm not messing around with this anymore and I am pretty determined to move forward with my life now. You are all right ~ the kids and I do deserve to have a better life!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Maybe it's good for you to read your own words and ask yourself why you are still in this relationship? When my STBXAH went away to rehab for a while it made me better realize the madness I was living in and made it easier for me to get out. It's easy to get used to living that way and it's not okay.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Originally Posted by KerBearz
On the bright side - I have consulted 2 different attorneys (and I have 1 more I want to call) and I have all the paperwork that needs to be filled out. I'm not messing around with this anymore and I am pretty determined to move forward with my life now. You are all right ~ the kids and I do deserve to have a better life!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
My experience with letters is that it's always been great for me to write them, but it was not great to give them to an alcoholic who is drinking and is an utter waste of time. That said, in rehab and sober, perhaps there could be value. At least they are sober while reading it.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Cyranoak
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Cyranoak
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