blkeyedszn

A little background:
Five months ago I told my husband that the next time he drank he was out of the house. He drank and then moved in with his mom. I told him I needed to see three months sober for him to move back in. As you all can probably guess, that never happened. I think the most he could go without a drink was 2 weeks.

First of all, removing my AH from my environment really helped me to see things clearly in a way I never had before. I stopped hating him for the drinking and started feeling sorry for him. I also was able to clearly see when he was blame-shifting, manipulating or trying to control me. I was having none of it. So, truly, this has been a life-changing experience for me and I am no longer the sad soul I once was when we were living together.

After 5 months of broken promises, fights, manipulations and relapse after relapse I have decided that I am ready for divorce. AH is currently in a 28 day inpatient program and on Friday I go to tell him that our marriage is over.

My heart is breaking. I have been so strong for these past 5 months and now knowing that this is all coming to an end is making me fall apart. I know I am doing the right thing, but why does it hurt so bad? I have been having panic attacks and am having a hard time focusing on work.

I keep going over in my mind how I am going to tell him and what this will be like. I still love him completely, I just started loving myself more and realized that he will never change. I don't even have faith in this 28 day rehab he's in now. He always goes back to drinking and always will. I hope for his sake he can get sober, but I can no longer wait around for that to happen. It was too damaging to me.

I am also struggling because I know how hard he has been trying to stay sober and my telling him I am divorcing him will crush him. He really has no one else in his life. Besides his family, I was it. I know I need to do this for myself, but oh it is so hard. I am so scared and I don't know how I am going to handle this Friday.

I guess I just want to hear from those who did eventually divorce their alcoholic spouses and what the experience was like. How did you find the strength?

fedup3

I understand where you are at, I'm there too. This is my third time going to the lawyer in 3 yrs seeking a divorce but every time I pulled back not this time. My divorce will be over soon in a month and then AH has to move out of the house and he has no one. I love my husband too but he is not willing to get help even though he's tried it several times and failed. I finally realized the divorce won't kill him but the vodka will whether we're married or not. I can't live this kind of life anymore. If he decides to get sober there is no reason why we cant' still see each other and who knows what could take place after that but for now I need to start living.

blkeyedszn

Thanks fedup for sharing your experience. I'm so afraid that I will back down from this and not do what I know needs to be done. I am praying for strength right now but feel my resolve faltering.

Pelican

I have been divorced from my alcoholic husband for 2 years. We were married 14 years. It does get easier. The pain does stop.

I know you have this confrontation looming in your heart and mind. Is there a reason you need to do this Friday?

I guess I am wondering why you have to inform him of anything, and why it has to be on Friday?

I did not tell my AH about my appointments with the lawyer. I did tell him when the papers were ready and asked him if he would like to pick the papers up instead of being served. He was upset at that point. He eventually decided to pick up his copy of the petition for divorce.

You said this:
I am also struggling because I know how hard he has been trying to stay sober and my telling him I am divorcing him will crush him. He really has no one else in his life. Besides his family, I was it. I know I need to do this for myself, but oh it is so hard. I am so scared and I don't know how I am going to handle this Friday.

You are letting his 'reactions' affect you. That is co-dependency. Allowing others reactions to control our life. He is responsible for his reactions. He can choose to get mad, glad, sad, angry and all the above. He is allowed to have all the feelings he needs at this time. You, however, are not responsible for the way he reacts/responds.

A tip for how to handle any conversations with your STBAXH: keep everything businesslike. Keep emotions out of the conversation. Say what you mean, mean what you say (just don't say it mean)

Good luck!

Freedom1990

I had to divorce my EXAH for my own sanity and safety.

Once I found recovery, there was no turning back.

Was it painful at first? Absolutely. However, time did heal the pain.

We're here to support you in any way that we can!

fedup3

Remember it took me 3 yrs to finally go through with the divorce and it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I know it's the right thing to do for me. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some space to breath, nothing needs to be done right now, does it? Is there a reason why this Friday?

blkeyedszn

Pelican, it has to be on Friday because I leave that day to go visit family on the other side of the country for two weeks. He has been sending me text messages during his stay there about how well he's doing, how much he is learning and so on. I freeze when I get messages from him because I want to be supportive of his efforts, but I don't want to give him hope. So I feel I need to be fair and let him know what is on my mind before I leave town. I also don't want to put this off anymore and am ready to start living my life again. It's just still terrifying.

blkeyedszn

Thanks, to everyone. I know I am being very co-dependant right now in wanting to protect him from this. I am trying hard to fight against it. I keep reminding myself why I am doing this and telling myself that this is a consequence of the years of pain he put me through. I'm back sliding a little definitely, but I think what I am doing mostly is mourning the death of my marriage. Though I realize that I am mourning a fantasy (because it was bad way more than it was good) I still can't help but mourn it.

You are all so strong and wise though and I appreciate each and every person who has the courage to share.

outonalimb

(((((blkeyedszn)))))))) ...cool screen name, by the way.

I put off divorcing my exah for a very long time...even thought I KNEW it had to be done...and I KNEW I wasn't 'in love' with him anymore...because I was all he had. My exah had alienated his friends and family with his drinking. I felt like I was taking his last life-line from him and thought for sure he would spiral even deeper into his addiction when I left him.

I held myself hostage with all these thoughts and fears about what might happen...about what he might do...if/when I filed.

I wasn't doing myself any favors. I wasn't doing him any favors.

Give him the dignity of knowing your plan to divorce. His emotions and his reaction are his to deal with...not yours.

AT some point, there's just too much poison in the well to ever repair a relationship or marriage that has been ravaged by addiction. When you get to your breaking point, you just know it. Sounds like you've hit that point.

Tell him in the calmest, clearest way you can. Try to leave emotions and blame out of the discussion.

I know its tough.
Come here for as much support as you need.

Hugs..
Mary

Sylvie66

I'm sorry you're hurting. One thing that is helping me in my attempt to break up with my boyfriend (who is trying to stop drinking, and a pretty good guy that I love), is for me to create a new boundary: I won't get involved in Drama. At all - I just walk away. This is new as of last Tuesday. And it's really, really hard, because although I feel better, I'm assuming that he feels worse. For all I know, he's got drunk buddies and girlie fans over at his place, and he's happy. So I have to challenge myself every day to just let it go, since what he does is his business.

- Sylvie

blkeyedszn

I definitely have hit this point. I realize there will probably always be some part of me that cares for him, but after all I've been through and as far as I've come to pull myself out of this mess that became my life, I know now that I never want to go back. Even if he were to stay sober, he is no longer the kind of man that I want. It is the happiest and the saddest feeling at the same time. Kind of hard to explain. So, yes, I am done. Now I just need to do the hard part and cut the cord.

MeredithD1

hey black-eyed Suzan,

what helps me in times of tough choices like this is understanding that there are many choices I make that are not 100% one way and 0% the other way. This means, as I see it, that your backsliding is part of the process; you've got doubt that is maybe only 10% or 20% or ???, but the bulk of the percentage goes toward the divorce. I personally find that few decisions are 100%-0%. There's black, there's white, there's infinite shades of gray.

I understand wanting to get this done before you go see family - it may be that you get more healing after such a major move, when you are in the physical presence of people who you know love and support you.