LostinLV777

My AH is coming home from an inpatient program and I need help sorting out our finances. Because of this program he has lost his job. I know that the last time he was unemployed, it was a nightmare b/c he drank all day long.

So for the second time, we will be living on my income only. based on my calculations, we will be just short of paying all of his, my, and our bills.

my thoughts are that MY bills, and our bill, should come first, and his second. I guess i feel like its not fair that I have to do this again, so there is some resentment there. i am angry that i wont be able to buy things as needed or put money into savings for the coming months.

we have one joint checking and savings acct. I also recently started my own separate savings and checking through an online bank.

i think now might be a good time for an overhaul of the way we sort "our" money so i was looking for just some basic ideas about how you guys with AH's handle your money. Would it be less "codie" of me to start living out of my own bank acct, and only put $ towards joint bills in joint acct? ive brought up the idea of him and i having separate accts, and he thinks that is not productive to a marraige. i just know i need to stop micromanaging, but if he comes home and is irresponsible w/ money again, especially when hes not working and im paying all the bills, im not gonna make it through this.

any help much appreciated***

Latte

I cannot tell you what you should do, but what my husband and I do...

He takes care of the bills. The program is on the server here at home so I can see where the money is going etc. so I am not clueless. I get spending cash but have no access to the bank accounts. It's good for us.

This is something we agreed to, he did not force it on me. I am slowly regaining trust but I don't demand it. When he's ready he'll add my name onto the bank accounts, until then, this works.

I have a Walmart money card for emergencies. We can load it up if I need to take a trip, etc. I love not having to worry about a credit card.

wellwisher

It is my opinion that any woman - regardless of whether in a relationship with an addict or not - should take responsibility for their finances.

Too often I have seen women left on the brink of financial disaster after years of not paying attention and letting someone else handle their finances; only to find themselves insolvent at times of crisis.

You need to pay the mortgage, the taxes, the electric and heating bills. Groceries have to be put on the table.

When it comes to discretionary spending, I make the distinction between his and mine.

fedup3

I took over the finances four years ago when our relationship came to an explosion with his drinking and he moved out for awhile and it was then that I found out bills were being paid late or missed entirely. I also found out that he spent $1500 at the grocery store in one month (can you say VODKA!). I am the breadwinner and he hasn't worked in over 3 years so I opened my own checking and savings account and we still share an account but I put next to nothing in it and he has his own account as well. This way my credit stays in tack and I know everything is being taken care of the way it's supposed to.

LostinLV777

that is basically my idea as well FEDup. i will just start transferring $ out of the joint acct. to my own .... however, what do i do about his bills? Am i obligated to pay them? (his car, car insurance, cell phone, credit card...) obviously i have to pay the joint bills of mortgage, utilities, cable, etc. on my own ... but would it be selfish or wrong of me to just say, .... i cant afford ur bills.. when u start working you can catch up w/ ur own stuff? Or do i just suck it up and pay until he finds work.

TeM

I think it might be wise for anyone living with an alcoholic to have some money squirreled away that the A can't get to. If nothing else, it could be an emergency fund.

GettingBy

I have played the role of Business Manager for all the time that me and my AH have been together. We have all joint accounts that all money gets pooled in and all bills get paid from. Each of us has a set amount of "play" money that we get to spend each month - no questions asked.

At times when either one of us either doesn't contribute the amount they are "budgeted" to the joint account, or withdraws more than their fair shair of play money - payment of that person's sole bills is in jeopardy. Period. Years ago - AH was on a spending bender. Good god - it was out of control. I, initially and very stupidily, did without my play money just to make sure all bills got paid. I got angry and resentful. I mean really, WTF?!?! I was making all these sacrifices to keep everybody's bills paid - and he was off living the high life!! BS man! But then I realized - I was enabling him. So, if he spent too much play money - the motorcycle didn't get paid, and then credit card... and on down the list. I told him that was going to be the deal - so that he knew - if he overspent, the lack of payment was on him. And he kept on spending... several months of missed Harley payments, and guess who showed up at our door?!??! I can tell you... AH has not screwed around with spending benders since that day. It freaked him out more than any nagging, screaming, or crying I did.

You have an obligation to YOUR bills, the joint bills, and your credit. He is responsible for his bills. Perod. If he needs money to pay them, well, then he needs to get a job. If he starts dipping into your money and you can't pay your bills anymore, maybe a separate account is necessary.

Take it one step at a time... communication with him is key.

wellwisher

Unfortunately, I see the car insurance as having to be kept up - don't know the laws in your state, but if something bad happens, someone may be able to come after your joint assets since you are married.

My understanding is that if the credit card is just in his name; that it is his problem.

There may be a consumer credit counseling agency that can give you answers in your state. Check with your Better Business Bureau to find a reputable one; there are many good ones that can help you assess what, in the legal sense, is "his" and "yours". A lawyer can do the same, but they can be quite expensive.

Just4me

With mine, we have seperate checking accounts. We both have good jobs and I made the mistake of a joint account in a previous relationship. We share the bills and have different ones in our names. Ex: he pays electricity, internet, and when we go out to eat. I pay for garbage, cable, and household groceries. It comes out to about the same spent for each of us. MY car and insurance are mine and his are his.

Although I foolishly cosigned for a car he owns, he's never been late on the payment as cars are his things and he'd never want to lose them. This has allowed me to save my extra money. He continues to spend a lot of money on eating out for lunch, energy drinks, alcohol, etc. When his money gets low he buys cheaper stuff. When he finds out how much I have saved he gets mad and wants to know why I don't share the money. I explain because I don't want him spending it foolishly or on alcohol. (I purchased our couch, towels for the bathroom, and pay for things for the house as we both live here, even though he owns the house).

This has worked for me. I don't remind him when things are due and just put it in his hands. I'm sure some payments have been late, but the power is still on. This way we don't worry about a joint account or who's spending what.

fedup3

I live in a no fault divorce state so I swear your liable if your spouse sneezes! If my husband bought something under his name and defaulted on it they would come after me for payment and it would affect my credit. If your married everything of mine is his and everything of his is mine, nice huh?

LifeRecovery

I managed the bills etc in my home with AexH. However we both had our own accounts and transfered money into a joint account which paid for joint expenses (house, dogs, house bills etc). Neither of us had access to each others individual accounts, and thus we were not responsible for sharing how we spent that money. We each were responsible for our own cars. Sometimes the car insurance was split, sometimes it was paid for our own portion individually.

I needed my discretionary fund or i would have lost my mind. I have been in counseling our entire marriage (started out for my own stuff but turned quickly into work on being in my relationship when needed).

I don't know if it is any help but I took a personal finance course and this helped me immensely come to terms with how we handled our finances. My doing the finances was considered weird by many where I live as the female in the relationship. After taking the course though I realized that it probably was what kept us solvent. Honestly having it the way we did helped me immensely KNOW that I could make it on my own also when it came to that. That was very important to me.

Best of luck in whatever you decide. Make sure it works for you.

Jazzman

Wait.. what? He lost his job because of a program? Or he lost his job because he was ordered into a program due to poor choices on his part?

LostinLV777

yea basically he lost his job b/c he checked himself into a program and never told anyone at work what he was doing...so YES poor choices.

i am going to look into separating our accounts