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She called me today

Old 07-13-2011, 12:15 AM
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She called me today

My daughter Amber called me today, it's the first I've talked to her since we made her find another place to stay because her drinking was causing too many problems in my house and had gotten intolerable.

We talked for about 30 minutes. She apoligized for drinking in the house and acting the way she did in front of her younger sister. She seemed sincere.

We continued to chat about her drinking and she said she still likes the way she lives and doesn't see any reason to change it. She likes going to parties and she likes the rush and just feels like it's the funnest thing she's ever done. She also told me about her living situation. She's staying at friends house most nights, unless she is at someones house and decides to stay there (usually because she's drinking). I told her I don't like what she's doing and wish she would stop but she gave a line about she's just having fun, it's Summer blah and she's probably going to tone it down when she goes back to school. Which I'll believe when I see.

She also told me that two of her friends from college were coming into town to visit this week and that she was probably going to party with them. At that point I told her, that I can't stand it when she's drinking, she's turns into something that I know she's not and I wish she would quit but again she said she'll live her life as she please. I stayed tough and didn't cry like I wanted to and simply told her if she ever wants to stop and needs help that me and her dad would be there for her but we're not going to support her drinking. I told her she can come home whenever she wants as long as she is sober when she walks in the door and plans on staying sober while she's living with us.

It was having trouble not breaking down right there, I wanted to so badly. I got a lot off my chest and I feel like she did too it just might not have been exactly what either of us wanted to hear
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Old 07-13-2011, 03:46 AM
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I know she is on a scholarship for school, but does she think you are actually going to fianance the rest of her needs for college? (clothes, tablet, phone, computer, food, $$, etc)????? she is not being realistic.

I'm sorry that this continues for you, but I think you were very strong to stick with your original boundry. I hope the outcome comes to a head without hurting you and her further and no accidents.
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Old 07-13-2011, 04:06 AM
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She likes going to parties and she likes the rush and just feels like it's the funnest thing she's ever done.
No doubt. That was how *I* felt about it.

I was wondering about the "going back to school" thing, too. Are you still planning to finance that?

At least she told you where her head is at right now.

Have you been going to Al-Anon?
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Old 07-13-2011, 04:07 AM
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She has clothes, she has a labtop, she has a phone. That she pays for all of that all ready. I don't know how much food she is paying for right now but I'd assume it's more than before. It's her life now, we'll see how it goes
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Old 07-13-2011, 05:49 AM
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My heart goes out to parents who post here. In my case I could get divorced and move on with my life. I'm humbled by your courage and strength. I also think you're doing the right thing, no matter how much it must hurt, (I can only imagine). I know Mels Mother got a lot of strength and support from her Alanon group.
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp View Post
She has clothes, she has a labtop, she has a phone. That she pays for all of that all ready. I don't know how much food she is paying for right now but I'd assume it's more than before. It's her life now, we'll see how it goes
and I think that is the best stance you can take right now....she is earning $$ and being responsible at least with that. no car and no car insurance? no new trendy stuff that is so important to any 19 year old girl I know of.

reading your posts reminds me so much of my own daughter's rebellion sometimes...i never want to feel that sick pit in my stomach again. i don't think i slept well for 2 years.
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Old 07-13-2011, 07:34 AM
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It sounds as if she was being very honest with you. She is having fun with alcohol. This is true for many alcoholics in the beginning of addiction. Young people who are not alcoholics would use the police/school/family incidents as a wake up call.
Alcoholism is not as fast as a decline as other drugs. But it does progress. It sounds as if you suggested an AA meeting to her, she would just laugh. Try at least a few AlAnon meetings.
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Old 07-13-2011, 08:46 AM
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SNH -- What do you suppose was the purpose of her call? Just kinda weird that she'd call to say that nothing's changed so na-na-na-na-na!
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Old 07-13-2011, 09:43 AM
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Awww.. ((HUGS))

I remember my impotence when XABF said he would drink until the last day of his life, and if I didn't like it, I was free to go. That was 2.5 years ago.. he is doing the same thing over and over and over again, I had to stop expecting any change.

Therapy has helped me to let go and to forgive (others, God, myself..)

All the best and I am glad she is no longer in your house - your younger daughter is learning boundaries from you, and you all deserve a peaceful home.

You managed the call very well.
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Old 07-13-2011, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
SNH -- What do you suppose was the purpose of her call? Just kinda weird that she'd call to say that nothing's changed so na-na-na-na-na!
I think it was to tell me where we stand and maybe a little closure on the situation. The way we kicked her out wasn't really chatted about, my husband drug her and her friend, completely drunk out of our basement to a hotel. Then i picked her up to get her stuff and she was too hung over to have a real conversation. I feel like it gave a sort of closure and at least I know where everything stands
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Old 07-13-2011, 02:52 PM
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I think you handled the phone call very well. I can't remember if you have gone to any alanon meetings yet? I think they would be such a comfort to you. The meeting I went to had three parents there.

I don't think your daughter has any ill intent towards you. She called. That is what young adults do - call their parents. Sometimes just because they want to hear their voice, sometimes because they want something, whatever. If you handle all her phone calls with such grace and clear boundaries she'll know you are there for her if she decides she'd like real help with her drinking - or anything else.

When I was your daughters age I drank way to much. It was alcohol abuse, dangerous, and I had real consequences. By some miracle I did not become an alcoholic. They'd call when I had a house full of blasted drunk people and I know they were freaked out and worried. They did not give me money and they did not except that kind of behavior in their home (I didn't live at home but I visited) but they were there for me and we maintained our relationship and for that I am eternally grateful. Of course, there wasn't Facebook then so all my stupid stuff wasn't plastered on a screen for them to see.

I think you are really smart to maintain your boundaries regardless of whether she is an alcoholic or not. Her behavior is unacceptable and not in line with your values and she'll look to you for that kind of guidance, even if she doesn't admit it. I did. If blocking the graphic details of her behavior from your Facebook page assists you in maintaining a relationship with her, then I think that would be an important thing to do.
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Old 07-13-2011, 05:32 PM
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You are doing good. As painful as it feels, IMHO there is nothing more loving that you could be doing right now. As you know my daughter is 15 and is showing many signs of potential addiction. I could easily be where you are now sooner than later and my wife and I are preparing for that the best we can.

I think of you and your husband often and hope you are both well.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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