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Struggling with GUILT trips..

Old 07-11-2011, 11:24 AM
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Unhappy Struggling with GUILT trips..

Well this weekend I went to a outdoor function. Pictures were taken of me and someone put them on that stupid facebook.

XAH see's them and of course today, I get the phone calls of:
GUILT, The wedding vows, Do you miss me, Im not being honest

then in conversations over the weekend with friends, they ask
me: Well, he is sick, how could you just divorce him? Didnt you
go to AA with him? Wow, I would help my husband, Im sure
he would of done better if you would have supported him more

FREAKING: GUILT sets in and here I sit bawling

I feel I did the best I could. It was his decision to move away and
continue to drink his life away.

Yes, I miss the man I married, that makes me sad
No, I dont tell him that I miss him when he ask

I know I cant fix him, cure him or control him

But why is the guilt taking me for a hostage ride today?
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:41 AM
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because you're listening to people who have not a clue about alcoholism. Maybe it's time to find some new friends?
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:45 AM
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I think people who've never lived with alcoholics may not quite get it. Even in my own household, my daughter seems to assume that I should stay with AW no matter what. If it finally comes down to my leaving, my daughter will probably disown me, even though she has been even angrier than I have over AW's drinking.

Daughter still thinks AW is not an alcoholic, so she's almost as much in denial as AW. She thinks if we show a little patience and give her some "space", AW will be able to control it. I gave up on that long ago.

So, if I leave, I will have tons of guilt heaped on me from several directions. I suppose it's something we have to accept if we take control of our own lives and walk away.

Hang in there, and take good care of yourself.
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:45 AM
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Facebook is really the devil with situations like this. I am friends with my ex-husband, but only so he can see pics of our kids. I've set up security so he can't see any pictures I'm tagged in, and the ONLY pics he can see are the ones where I specifically tag his name. He also can't see my wall, so he can't see what anyone else posts, only when I *occasionally* post a status or a link for ALL my friends to see can he see it. It makes my kids feel good to know that he can see their pictures on there, that's why I'm still friends with him, and I have him hidden from my news feed so I don't have to see any of his stuff, either. My kids are 6 and 9, too young for their own facebook accounts to keep in touch with their dad on their own this way but when they can, I will unfriend him.

Anyway, I highly recommend either unfriending or changing your security settings!
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:50 AM
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BobbyJ! I've missed you and your cheetah pants!

You are hostage because you are letting it take you hostage. You know you did the right thing even though it was not what you wanted. Rarely is doing the right thing what we want to do. And...going to AA with him? WTH? Does that make a lick of sense to you?

Remember, "what other people think of me is none of my business" - even on that damn facebook, which seems to be nothing but trouble given the posts here lately.

Stay strong, my friend! You didn't break him, you can't fix him. All you can do is put on your rain coat when the poo starts flying.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:09 PM
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I dont even use facebook. Some girl that I hardly know took the pictures. He is friends with him. She posted them on here page. I have contacted her and asked them to be removed...

Yes, most people dont understand the hell we have walked thru with an alcoholic
I understand that. It just cuts like a knife, when they do say those things

"what other people think of me is none of my business" - yeppers!!! Repeating
over and over....

Guess, its time to get a cheetah rain coat...Just sucks today!!
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:29 PM
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I totally agree that someone who has not lived with an alcoholic has no clue that there is NOTHING anyone can do to make them stop drinking. Heck, for the longest time, I thought that if I just loved and supported my ex enough, he would stop drinking. I loved him, I supported him....he still kept drinking.

I went to a few AA meetings with my ex when we were together. I thought the meetings and the life wisdom I heard shared there were fantastic. Even though I'm not an alcoholic, I thought, wow, these are great lessons to be learned here just about life in general. But ultimately, I couldn't absorb the lessons FOR him, he had to do it himself, and he chose not to.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:39 PM
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I've learned to put a screeching halt to conversations with friends and family members when it comes to a non-understanding of alcoholism.
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:09 PM
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With mine...my friend who has never dealt with addiction in any way told me I should take him away from everything, help him detox, and be there to support him. Her heart was in the right place but this is impossible to do, as we all know.

My friend who left her alcoholic husband 10 years ago offered me place to stay when things were bad and a "call me ANYTIME" you need to talk.

The "normies" just dont understand the disease, the process, or what we are going through!
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:37 PM
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Guilt has taken you hostage today because we allow ourselves to be controlled by negative or toxic emotions. Guilt is directly related to people pleasing, we codies want everyone to like us, to accept us.

Personally, I do not care what others think of me. I know that I am doing the very best that I can, if that is not good enough for others....tough dingleberries.

If they are so concerned about your ex, they can adopt him and he can go live with them. Bet their tune would change very quickly!

Sending hugs your way!
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Old 07-11-2011, 02:08 PM
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Just this weekend I was with my family and we started talking about alcoholism because of my AH and some of them think that it's weak character not to just stop. I couldn't stand it anymore and said "Sure why would anyone want to stop drinking if you can when you can waste away to nothing, vomit, injure yourself all the time and die hating yourself!" I was so mad at them and the ones that didn't believe you could white knuckle it I think are hooked on AL themselves.
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Old 07-11-2011, 02:14 PM
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Once again Freedom1990, your right!!
I tend to forget at times, not everyone understands, let alone forgetting myself
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Old 07-11-2011, 03:46 PM
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I was always blamed for my EXAH problems; drinking,legal, and otherwise. His family was not there and never dealt with the chaos. Funny thing happened though; upon release from prison, he went to live with one of his sister's. The same night, his relapse started, and quickly went to the point that no one knew what to do with him. Needless to say, he is now in another Salvation Army program. And she now has a better understanding of what I have dealt with for the last three years.
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:23 PM
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Bobby,

I have days like that, when I listen to people who play into my "old" self, the person I was when I was married to him and convinced I couldn't leave for any one of a slew of reasons...

That's when I come here and reread my old posts. Or read my journal from any of the long nights when I cried and prayed that he would stop drinking. Or go to a meeting and listen to the people still in A marriages. That usually helps.

Big hug to you.
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:36 PM
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You're gonna be fine, Bobby. This is just a bump in the road. You got great feedback here, and I know you know it's all true.

Ignore the maroons.
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Old 07-11-2011, 05:11 PM
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BobbyJ,

Like the saying goes, "advice is like kittens, everbody gives them away". Don't listen to others who don't understand.

Thats why we got SR !
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:51 PM
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It's none of their business and **** each and every one of them-- especially your ****-face husband. Time for some boundary setting here.

Don't let them have power over you.

Cyranoak
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Old 07-11-2011, 09:05 PM
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I'm happy to say that I am with Cyranoak on this one, **** them and **** him. You are doing great and getting better all the time.
So what if he sees photos of you, ex is ex for a reason. You did nothing wrong by enjoying yourself!!!!
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Old 07-12-2011, 01:44 PM
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Don't ask anyone to take down pictures of you doing whatever you would like to do!

Guilt..such a useless emotion.

Ignore the normies, and their advice...they have never traveled to the planet "alcoholism" and don't speak the language.
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Old 07-12-2011, 04:47 PM
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All of you so right..
I just fell on my behind yesterday with his guilt trip phone calls & the comments
from friends...
I am better today, just needed picked up & a swift kick across my rear from all of you
"THANKS"

Cyranoak...I had a visual all night about your comment, made me giggle..THANKS!
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