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A House Divided

Old 07-11-2011, 08:09 AM
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A House Divided

RA kid's are visting from out of town. We both have kids from a previous. Mine live at home and has went thru the hell of his addiction and my codependency. His kids lived out of state and we able to dodge living thru hell.
RA daughter (15) had belongings of my daughter's (17) in her suitcase essentially stealing them. He asked her about the belongings and she said she wanted them, that's why she took them. He took away her phone but returned it promptly then showered her with alot of love and made excuses to us

What really hurt the most is that Him and the kids didn't talk or make ammends as if we had done something wrong and she had done right. Her home life is alot better then ours but they still say she has it bad. i don't understand, why he and them don't see or acknowledge what me and my kids went thru. We are punished when we do wrong with silence and he stomps around pouting not lavishing us with love and gifts. We were called "heathens" for listening to pop music as if it were more of a crime then stealing.

i just don't understand??
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Old 07-11-2011, 09:41 AM
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My first take...guilt about his kids who don't live with him. Not having the kind of relationship with them where he feels he can be a disciplinarian. Loyalty, possibly too. All those things parents feel, especially the non-custodial parent. Add alcoholism on top of that, and you have a person who probably doesn't have a lot of coping skills to begin with. And anger and resentment...not a pleasant mix. I am sorry for your chaos.

How are you and your kids doing with this?
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:08 AM
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I am sick from the tension in the house and lack of respect showed. I'm also very sad that i played a huge part in keeping my kids in this type of home. They have weathered the storm and still maintained good grades and have jobs. He left us and returned which my daughter really didn't want to happen but i told her it would be different this time around. I was still hung up on "Artifical Hope" of it getting better. I promised something that i couldn't control..
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:44 AM
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Just remember, we make the best choices we can with the information we have at the time. Try not to be too hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know!) and be grateful your kids are doing as well as they are. That means you must be doing some things right, right?! ; )

Every time I start worrying about what I exposed my kids to with the RAH (their step-dad) I stop myself and focus on what I did do that was appropriate, instead of what I didn't do or what I did wrong. And I am beginning to see the lessons I did teach them in setting boundaries as well as patience and forgiveness. Understanding where other people are at in life and having empathy, while not accepting unacceptable behavior.

It was wrong for your step-D to steal your D's belongings. That's all you can say about it. And maybe next visit, buy a sturdy lock for your D's door.
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by FLsunshine View Post
He took away her phone but returned it promptly then showered her with alot of love and made excuses to us
I would not be at all surprised that an active addict would have great difficulty at being an effective parent. I've seen it first hand

Originally Posted by FLsunshine View Post
I promised something that i couldn't control..
I would suggest you absolutely DO have control over that solution.
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