boyfriend in recovery left me

Old 07-10-2011, 08:52 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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You are worth more than somebody reading off a list of things that they don't like about you! If someone did that to me today, I would giggle and slam the door in their face. Someone that takes the time to write down and read aloud hateful things about another person has psycological problems. Alcoholics can't have healthy relationships with anyone! I don't care if you are Heidi Klum or Giselle Bunchen. They don't love themselves, so they don't love anyone else! I would go get my hair and nails done and go buy a couple new outfits today if I were you....you just got rid of some heavy baggage you were carrying now that he is gone. I would celebrate. He's not your problem anymore! No more taking care of a little boy (sorry, grown man) that should be taking care of himself!

Go have fun living your life now that you are free!!!!
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:17 PM
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Duq - thanks for the laugh!

And seriously, if it were the norm for people to be 'strong enough' to live with alcoholics, this forum would be a lot smaller!

It sounds like you've managed to point yourself in a healthier direction - good for you! I'm disengaging from my boyfriend, and I lived with him for 4 years, with kids, up until 3 months ago. I wish I had the strength of character to know myself better a long time ago.

- Sylvie
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Old 07-10-2011, 12:57 PM
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Thanks for the additional information. Sounds like he is a runner, and basically emotionally unavailable. That trait is indictative of being immature and irresponsible.

His alcoholism has nothing to do with him just walking out the door, different issue all together.

Just reenforces that there was no real future with him.

Your children will be fine, they are reseliant and so are you!
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Old 07-10-2011, 02:26 PM
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Thanks, dollydo. I have realized that he is an alcoholic AND he seems to have severe commitment issues. So even though he is sober, he is still not capable of being there for anyone. He was supposed to move in with me in a few weeks, told my kids he was moving in, and then...he just booked it. Since I think he does have commitment issues, I guess the closer he got to moving in with me, the worse his anxiety got. I really thought that by his getting sober, our relationship would go much better. But now I see that his relationship patterns are another issue altogether.

My friends warn me that he will be back. I have to prepare myself mentally to be strong, because I can't go through this again. I feel totally drained.
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Old 07-10-2011, 02:57 PM
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Yes, your friends may be right. That's why going no contact is so very important.

Some people just are not emotionally mature enough for the grown up world.

Keep your resolve, and you will be ok.
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Old 07-10-2011, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post

However, in my mind he did you a big favor.
@dolly...you said these words PERFECT!!

love, i was once in your shoes...loved and cared for him and supported him...and I was in AL ANON..the thing is with me is i stopped ENABLING my behaviour...yes it turned for the worst, he was at the time in his beginnings of his recovery (and i pray he still is)

my A(&NA) left me, he left a DR JOHN letter and said to me, "i know i am a very sick man, its all me, not you, and i do not want to bring you down with my sh!t." and left....that was last June

and i thank him now...there has been no contact

i wish him well
~Maggie
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Old 07-10-2011, 06:03 PM
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Ah geez. The XABF just texted me to "see how I'm doing". I'm going to take a bubble bath and watch Mob Wives, lol! I wish the ex the best in his recovery, but I realize it's time to focus on me and my kids only now.

I have to say that I really have respect for all those in recovery who have made it through the tough times and are doing the right thing by their families and friends. And for all of us codependents who are taking care of ourselves. I just found out there is a CODA meeting right near me so I'm going to go check that out tomorrow night.

Thanks all for the support today! It has really helped me focus on my priorities.
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Old 07-10-2011, 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by changeschoices View Post
Ah geez. The XABF just texted me to "see how I'm doing". I'm going to take a bubble bath and watch Mob Wives, lol! I wish the ex the best in his recovery, but I realize it's time to focus on me and my kids only now.

I have to say that I really have respect for all those in recovery who have made it through the tough times and are doing the right thing by their families and friends. And for all of us codependents who are taking care of ourselves. I just found out there is a CODA meeting right near me so I'm going to go check that out tomorrow night.

Thanks all for the support today! It has really helped me focus on my priorities.
You're doing all the right things for YOU now, and that's a beautiful thing. :day6

Keep it up!
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:35 AM
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he gave me a big list of all the ways I am not for him when he broke up with me: I talk too much, he doesn't like the city I live in, I should be with someone who has a weak personality because obviously I can't handle his strong personality, I'm this, I'm that, and on and on.
Oh yeah. It's all your fault all right. Why didn't you just stfu and do what he wanted you to do?

Oh that's right, it wouldn't matter if you did do what he wanted you do to. You can't please an A when they're in blame shifting mode because it's not really your fault. None of it is. He just throwing tantrums and blame around like a giant two year old that needs his diaper changed.

It is bad enough to be dumped, but to also have a list of my faults handed to me really hurt. I guess I just want to shake off this terrible feeling I have from being blamed. The way he treated me when he was drinking was really hurtful, but it's almost as if the blame he's dished out while sober hurts more. It's so sad to have given and cared and then be blamed and discarded.
Let me tell you a little story.

Back in March of 2008, my AH started coming home drunk at 4am, waking me up and telling me what a piece of **** I am. I was fat, didn't clean the house well enough, didn't take care of the kids well, didn't bring in enough money.

I cried and cried. I believed every word he said. He said he was divorcing me, there was nothing I could do to change his mind. " I don't want to be married to you anymore," he told me. "I'm going to divorce you."

I was out of my mind with grief. That is, until I figured out he had a girlfriend. He was having an affair and he actually brought that piece of garbage to my house when i was gone with the kids.

That was over three years ago. That guy did me a favor. You know why?

Even though we eventually lost our home to foreclosure, even though that time of life sucked about ten years out of me, that crisis, that soul shaking, horrific event gave me the opportunity to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself. It was a gift.

After I threw his stuff into the front yard and called the police screaming, I left for a month and went to a tropical island to stay with my sister. I forced myself, every minute of every day, to stop wondering what he was doing or with whom. To stop blaming myself, in my head, for driving my husband away. I forced myself to not be a victim, to refocus all of my energy into taking care of my kids and myself.

If he hadn't ran off with that homeless alcoholic I would probably still be obsessing about his drinking, feeling inferior and doubting myself. I can' even stand the thought of it.

The questions I started asking myself are difficult, way more difficult than "why does my AH treat me this way?"

Asking myself, "why did I stay in that abusive situation for so long?" And, "why did I allow myself to be treated that way," are far more difficult, and rewarding, than living with the giant man child.

Because the only thing i can control is myself, my own thoughts and actions. What's inside this skin. It gave me freedom my Dear, because I now know the magic trick of focusing on my life, my boundaries, my children. Detaching right away from situations I cannot control.

It makes everything all better.
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:42 AM
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You're doing great, cc.

There will be ups and downs, times you second-guess yourself. Keep doing the next right thing, and you will eventually get where you are going.

Glad you are planning on hitting a meeting!
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:29 AM
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Hi Transform, thanks for sharing your story with me. It really tore down my self esteem to hear all of the negative stuff my XBF dished out to me. I also wondered if he was cheating on me or leaving me for someone else because, as he was breaking up with me, he started talking about how he envisions his future dating life: he wants to date, but never live with someone again, he just wants to have a good time, etc. So there I am, getting dumped AND I'm having to listen to the man I just was intimate with not 24 hours before, telling me about his future dating plans. Ouch!
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Old 07-11-2011, 06:54 AM
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Yeah, that's gotta hurt, sounds like he has lots of issues. Try and not let him mess with your mind, he is gone and no longer your problem. Sounds like his ego feeds on the conquest, then he get bored and moves onto another.

Make today a positive one for you!
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Old 07-11-2011, 07:33 AM
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So there I am, getting dumped AND I'm having to listen to the man I just was intimate with not 24 hours before, telling me about his future dating plans. Ouch!
What a typical douche. Trust me, in no time you'll be dodging him when you see him in public, glad to be rid of him.

I am sorry. I know how painful it is to be dumped and gloated on at the same time.

The hardest thing for me was to establish no contact, and keep it, but the longer I did, the better I felt.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:14 AM
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One of the most important things I got out of al-anon is that there may not always be neat closure, I may not always understand the "why" of things. I turn it over to my Higher Power and pray for acceptance for whatever it is I have to accept, I can tend to obsess on things and go over and over them in my mind and al-anon has taught me to change that obsession to prayer, and prayer helps me to change it to acceptance.

I am sorry you are hurting, but I also think that he most likely did you a favor in the long run.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:40 AM
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I'm happy for you that you are not giving him anymore years of your life! All you have to do is heal and work on your codependent issues. He has to struggle with alcoholism. I personally think you got the better deal but that's just me. Not saying either is great but I would much rather be recovering from codependency rather than alcoholism.
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Old 07-11-2011, 08:48 AM
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I would much rather be recovering from codependency rather than alcoholism.
Amen!
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Old 11-17-2014, 01:08 PM
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I can relate quite a bit, I too had this happen, my husband of three years , we've been together six left me after he went to rehab, said he had to start over again. I have also supported and loved him through all this, even when he came home with his second dui, he may be going to jail. I have been going to alanon and I know I am co-dependent. I still love him very much and want to fix our marriage, but for now he has to learn to deal with his stuff and figure it out. I hope and pray he will, He is a good man he is just an ah. I have been heartbroken over this and am learning to take one day one hour and one minute at a time. He wont go to see a marriage therapist because right now working on him is all he can do. Just know your not alone, there are more of us out there some who want to fix it and some who don't.
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Old 11-17-2014, 01:10 PM
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Just to let you know, worriedwife, this is a thread that is over 3 years old.
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Old 11-17-2014, 01:10 PM
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Hi, ww,

This is a very old thread (from 2011). Maybe you'd like to start a new thread and introduce yourself?

Hugs, this is a great place and you will find lots of support here.
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