Just4me

Hi everyone,

I'm warning you all now, this is going to be some serious venting and probably a long post.

I've posted a few times and some of you know my story. I'm engaged to an alcoholic. He's been drinking our whole relationship, been to rehab a year and a half ago (for 2mo), was sober 8mo. So, 13 days ago I heard the whole sob story about how he was done being "a slave to the alcohol", that he wanted to quit for him. I supported him (foolishly), took time off of work, and helped him detox at home. I made sure there was food in the house, hot meals to eat, clean clothes for him to wear. He had NOTHING to do except work on his recovery. He lasted 13 days...

Today I come home from work and as soon as I walk in I know he's been drinking. I can see it in his eyes, the way he's looking at me, the slurred speach, the smell in the air, the way he can't even make his character on his x-box game walk straight. I asked him if he had been drinking and of course he says no. I then collect the empty cans (which he claims have been there for months) and he still says he's sober. Okay, fine. I take a few deep breaths and tell him, okay. Then I walk away. (Yay for me but the hardest part is yet to come!!)

Now I'm sitting here crying, typing my little heart out, because I think I'm finally done. I can't do this, I can't do down this path, I can't live like this anymore. I'm hurt, I'm sad, and I feel so alone right now (I know you are all here with me but still!). I love him so much and I wanted so badly for this to work and right now, I don't think this can.

So I'm crying. Crying because I'm mad at myself for seeing the warning signs and ignoring them. My dad is an alcoholic so I KNOW what they are. I'm sad that when I want to be getting married and starting my family I'm going to have to start all over again. I'm mad at him for doing this to us after I gave him so many chances. I'm upset that I'm going to have to move out of my beautiful home that I've lived in for over 2 years (its his house) and I'm going to have to start over. And even though I know he's an addict and he's not doing it on purpose, I'm still hurt that he picked the alcohol over our relationship. I know, I know, but it's how I feel!

I KNOW there is so many co-dependent phrases and thoughts in this post, but this is just my initial reaction. Deep down (somewhere) I know that I have to do this for me or I will just end up repeating this cycle over and over and over again. But it's so hard. I don't know what to say to him, where to start, or anything. I guess I should start at step one....looking for a place to live.

Thank you for listening (reading?) my venting. I needed to get it out and I needed to sort through me feelings. I know many of you have been in this same situation. Please, whatever you believe in (God, HP, good thoughts, whatever), send some of it my way. I'll need every bit of strength I can collect to actually walk out that door.

To those of you who have been here....what now? I have a good job and some money saved (anticipating this), so that isn't really a big issue. We have no kids together, just a dog that would move with me. I know if I tell him I'm leaving he wont try to stop me. I don't feel like I'm in any danger or need to be sneaky about this at all. Should I tell him I plan to leave or wait until everything is in place and just say, "BTW I'm moving out this weekend..." Ughhh...I hate this!!

zrx1200R

Do what you need to do. You need no permission from him, me or anyone else.

there's a big, marvelous world out there. Go get to gettin'.

groomer1

Just 4me --Here is a quote for you from AlAnon: "My life is too important to waste waiting for someone else's choices, even when it is someone I dearly love." I try to remember this now, as I know how you feel. For me, it seemed that each time he relapsed, he looked a little worse upon recovery. Now, he looks the worst I have ever seen him. This is no life for you; you deserve better. The hardest part is believing it and acting upon it. Be strong and put yourself first.

suki44883

If you are really and truly sure you are done and ready to leave, I wouldn't say anything until you had all your ducks in a row and everything arranged. What would be the point, if you are truly done, to give him advance notice that you plan to leave? If you aren't doing it in order to try and get him to "see the light," then there's no reason for him to know you are leaving. You say he won't try to stop you, so, just do what needs doing and leave.

nbunderstanding

Obviously the decision is yours to make.

Do you enjoy the termoil?
Do you enjoy the instability?
Do enjoy having your heartbroken?
Do you want to live in a healthy relationship?
Is trust important to you in a relationship?

Really consider these questions as they apply to you.
Try not to paint a better picture than what is really happening. Ask yourself if your willing to continue to have days like the one you are experiencing.

You have to be ready to be done in your own time, even if it seems obvious to others. It is your process.

My thoughts are with you having experienced a similar situation.

Blessings

Just4me

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words. This time I KNOW what I have to do and that I have to do it for me and my sanity! It's time to put on my big girl pants and just do it. I just know that my heart will be breaking during the whole process. But it's breaking now, so I guess the only difference is, when I'm gone it will eventually stop.

dollydo

If you are ready to move forward with your life, I too would make an exit plan, find a new place to live, plan a moving date and then tell him.

It sounds like you are not letting your romantic feelings override your common sense. This is good, I think that you will be just fine.

There will be some emotional moments that you will have to work through, it is all part of the process, deal with them as they arise.

Take care,

tjp613

Yes, it hurts like nothing else to give up the dreams you have. I understand -- I've done it too. I know this sounds so hard to believe right now but there WILL come a day when you get on your knees in deep gratitude to HP for guiding you to take this step. You are taking such good care of yourself AND doing the best thing for him as well. Ah, hell... I know you know all this stuff already...I just want to tell you as a living testimony that it's all true and you WILL be so much healthier and happier because of this decision you are making today. Just TRUST your gut... think of it as your guardian angels tugging at you to move you in the right direction. It hurts but real growth always does.

BTW - Yes, I second the idea of waiting to tell him until you've got your lease signed and the movers booked. Just *in case* you end up changing your mind it doesn't look like another empty threat.

Fandy

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. but the longer you delay what you know in your gut is necessary the more it will hurt, the more angry you will feel and more time from YOUR LIFE will be lost.....time is something you can never get back and it's very precious.

He is losing the most, you will recover and feel so much less stress in the future....Imagine coming home to stability, not wondering if there is drunken chaos in the house.

LexieCat

Yeah, moving out is difficult, but as you pointed out, the difference is that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

When I left, I had boxed up my important papers and treasured possessions and had a friend keep them for me. Then I left and stayed in a motel for a week while I planned where to move and figured out how to move the rest of my stuff. That worked well for me, because I had peace and quiet to figure out the next steps without having this pathetic drunk person hovering around me.

jamaicamecrazy

So sorry you are hurting this bad. I understand all the anger you are feeling and the sadness. You need to get angry to know you are done with this. Make your exit plan now and don't wait for another moment of "maybe this is ok" to change your mind.
Then get ready to grieve for the losses in your life. This is an important part of the process. You will heal. Things will be better for you.
It seems you dodged a bullet. This does not seem like a good marriage partner or parent material. There are better choices out there.
HUGS

Sylvie66

"If you're going through hell, keep walking."

I was in your shoes just a little while ago, only my ABF never tried to stop drinking until after I left. He didn't believe that I would actually leave. The time in the house, after I'd told him and before I could physically move to the apartment, was a truly terrible time emotionally. I still feel like I made the right decision. My 17yo son was on an exchange trip when I moved - and he's thanked me twice since he's come back for moving while he was gone.

Keep posting, and try to find a face-to-face AlAnon meeting.

- Sylvie

outonalimb

I don't mean to make light of your situation...honestly I don't...I just can't help but envy you right now.

I married the alcoholic in my life thinking he would change. I was so ignorant about alcoholism...so incredibly ignorant and naive.

I then had a child with this alcoholic. This child (my son) is now 12 years old. The alcoholic in our life is drinking worse than ever. He's out of our home...but not out of our lives. He'll never be out of our lives because he's my son's father.

You haven't married this man yet.
You have educated yourself about the realities of addiction BEFORE you tied yourself to this man legally and before you had children with him. In this respect, you are BLESSED.

I know how much it hurts. I'm not making light. I"m just saying that I would give anything to be able to go back to the place you're in right now so I could make better, more well-informed decisions for my life and my future.

If you marry this man or stay with him you, you are inviting a world of misery and heartache into your life. Love yourself enough to walk away and choose happiness and health for yourself and any children you might have.

It's all about loving yourself to free yourself of this nightmare.

Hang tough.
Make your plans and just do it.
There's a great life out there just waiting for you to grab it.

Freedom1990

That has been my experience. In leaving my EXAH, the pain eventually went away. It's in living with an alcoholic that the pain is always there and perpetuates itself.

I can appreciate how difficult this is for you!

duqld1717

I'm really into the bold bright letter writing today so......

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, do something that makes you happy!

Torres4321

When I left my (first) AH I felt like he was drowning in a pool and I kept trying to save him but that just kept me being pulled under water as well. It was very hard to climb out of the pool. Harder to watch him continue to drown despite me calling him to the edge. The hardest was to turn my back on him and walk away. A little bit hard to stay gone, but after a while the relief and sense of self made it impossible to ever go back. A short while after I was out I didn't even know how I had ever stayed in it. By the way- this was 17 years ago and he still hasn't managed to stay sober more than 6 months a time.

The only one that can save him is him.

Save yourself.