I know I am in denial
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 6
I know I am in denial
I am new to this site - the wife of an alcoholic. We have been married for 24 years. He drank when I met him, but the personality did not change until the last 5 years or so, and definitely at a rapid pace the past 2. I do not even recognize this man anymore emotionally. He once was a decent, caring, compassionate, demonstrative man, very sensitive. Now he is mean, angry, cocky, snide, filthy mouthed, and cruel. There are times, however, when he cries, says how terrible he has treated me (cheating, lying), even talks of wishing he was dead. But those crying jags can turn rapidly back to the snide monster. I realize now that I have been in denial over all that has changed with him for the past two years. I have cried, begged, raged, gone through illness and depression - because I cannot accept what he has become. He doesn't believe he has a problem. Says he has always been a drinker - but of course doesn't understand how alcoholism is a progressive disease. Rarely does he admit that he might have a "small" problem but believes that "willpower" and not a recovery program is all it takes to stop, but he doesn't want to stop. He was such a decent man - now he is the exact opposite of who he was - but the quick mood swings are frightening. It is hard in that I know he has to be the one to move toward recovery. A DUI didn't do it. Serious surgery has not done it. I just can't believe what a hard, vile, hurtful person he is now. It is like someone else took over his body - I just cannot believe who he is now. I have to have hope that he can one day recover but the years are starting to add up now and he is not changing. At one point he went on Celexa during this time and that was unreal - alcohol and Celexa. I wonder if he will ever be who he was again, or at least a shadow of the person I married. It's so very hard. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
TreeArtist, welcome to SR! I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but am glad you found us.
You are correct in that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and you are definitely seeing that in your own home.
There isn't anything you can do about his drinking, but there is much you can do for yourself!
I recommend finding some local Alanon meetings for face-to-face support among those who understand. I was married to an alkie/addict, and have an addicted daughter. Alanon has taught me a whole new way to live and be happy despite what my addicted daughter is/isn't doing.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a very good book to read. She has a whole series.
Counseling/therapy off and on over the years has also been another excellent resource for me.
I hope you continue to post and know you are among friends, okay?
You are correct in that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and you are definitely seeing that in your own home.
There isn't anything you can do about his drinking, but there is much you can do for yourself!
I recommend finding some local Alanon meetings for face-to-face support among those who understand. I was married to an alkie/addict, and have an addicted daughter. Alanon has taught me a whole new way to live and be happy despite what my addicted daughter is/isn't doing.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a very good book to read. She has a whole series.
Counseling/therapy off and on over the years has also been another excellent resource for me.
I hope you continue to post and know you are among friends, okay?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Tree,
Sorry you're in this situation--we all know what it's like. The precise details may vary, but we all know and understand how you feel.
Maybe you've BEEN in denial, but it looks like you've come out of it. You can no longer deny that the situation is bad, and getting worse, with no improvement on the horizon. That's the bad news. The good news is that once you start realizing these things, you can begin to heal and to reclaim your own life.
You're in a good place here with us. I also strongly recommend that you educate yourself about alcoholism and that you find an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon has been a lifesaver for so many of us. You can't change him, but you can change YOU. And in doing so, you can clear your head of despair and confusion and start making healthy decisions for yourself.
Hugs, glad you are here.
Sorry you're in this situation--we all know what it's like. The precise details may vary, but we all know and understand how you feel.
Maybe you've BEEN in denial, but it looks like you've come out of it. You can no longer deny that the situation is bad, and getting worse, with no improvement on the horizon. That's the bad news. The good news is that once you start realizing these things, you can begin to heal and to reclaim your own life.
You're in a good place here with us. I also strongly recommend that you educate yourself about alcoholism and that you find an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon has been a lifesaver for so many of us. You can't change him, but you can change YOU. And in doing so, you can clear your head of despair and confusion and start making healthy decisions for yourself.
Hugs, glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
TreeArtist,
Welcome. You've come to the right place! We understand exactly what you are going through. I divorced my husband 1 1/2 years ago due to his alcoholism. It's so sad to see the grip that alcohol has on him.
This website and AlAnon were lifesavers for me. Why not find a meeting in your area and give it a try?
Welcome. You've come to the right place! We understand exactly what you are going through. I divorced my husband 1 1/2 years ago due to his alcoholism. It's so sad to see the grip that alcohol has on him.
This website and AlAnon were lifesavers for me. Why not find a meeting in your area and give it a try?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 51
Welcome TreeArtist,
I went throught the very same thing. I was married 20 years and in the last 10 he became someone I didn't recognize anymore. I really think he hated me. I could just feel it radiating all around us. He was a heavy drinker - beer in the morning and scotch until passing out early in the evening. He became a nasty, miserable man who critisized everything about me. I think looking back, it was how he dealt with the guilty feelings about how he had changed and I had not. Also the alcohol definately damages the brain. I eventually told him that if he couldn't stop drinking and get well he had to move out - we both were miserable. He moved out and carried on drinking for about six months until he had physical complications from the alcohol and rapidly all of his organs began to shut down. I went to his place and was supportive as I could be to a loved one who was dying and although I know some part of him loved me still, he remained stubborn to the end. I sat with him as he passed away in his apartment. Its been seven years since he's passed and I still feel his anger in the house we shared, so I have it on the market now and am moving to a new place of my own so I can let the past stay in the past. Good luck to you. I am re-discovering myself - I learned to play banjo, I started painting again and life is looking a lot better.
I went throught the very same thing. I was married 20 years and in the last 10 he became someone I didn't recognize anymore. I really think he hated me. I could just feel it radiating all around us. He was a heavy drinker - beer in the morning and scotch until passing out early in the evening. He became a nasty, miserable man who critisized everything about me. I think looking back, it was how he dealt with the guilty feelings about how he had changed and I had not. Also the alcohol definately damages the brain. I eventually told him that if he couldn't stop drinking and get well he had to move out - we both were miserable. He moved out and carried on drinking for about six months until he had physical complications from the alcohol and rapidly all of his organs began to shut down. I went to his place and was supportive as I could be to a loved one who was dying and although I know some part of him loved me still, he remained stubborn to the end. I sat with him as he passed away in his apartment. Its been seven years since he's passed and I still feel his anger in the house we shared, so I have it on the market now and am moving to a new place of my own so I can let the past stay in the past. Good luck to you. I am re-discovering myself - I learned to play banjo, I started painting again and life is looking a lot better.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hi there, welcome!
Doesn't knowing you're in denial automatically shift you from denial to something else? I don't know what, maybe awareness?
Yeah, that's it! That's great news Girl, because awareness is the first step in change! Awesome.
Doesn't knowing you're in denial automatically shift you from denial to something else? I don't know what, maybe awareness?
Yeah, that's it! That's great news Girl, because awareness is the first step in change! Awesome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
WELCOME and you have come to the right place. I have been married for 23 years and as you have said, I have seen the changes in the wonderful man that I feel in love with so long ago. It truly is so sad to watched such good people get taken over by this disease but it is a cunning, baffling and so so powerful. We, unfortunately, have no control over it. Have you tried Al-Anon or reading any of their literature? I am currently reading the "Courage to Change" and it is so helpful. I no longer try to GET him to stop drinking anymore and let me tell you, that in itself is a total relief.
Keep posting and ask anything you want. We are here to help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 6
Thanks to all of you who replied and welcomed me. I have gone to Al-Anon and although I do not get to meetings regularly, I have all the books used at meetings and I make regular calls to different members. Also, I have the Melody Beattie book about co-dependency. I am trying so hard but it's really hard to "let go and let God." But I know that's what I have to do. It's what I have been trying to do for the past two years, but I still cannot accept it. It's such a tragedy, absolutely horrible. I tell myself he cannot help his behavior at this point because he's an addict and the cruel things he says, the lies... he is such a huge liar now... are all part of the disease. Often hard for me to consider it a disease as I see it as a choice "to a point," and then something they cannot control. I sure miss the person I married. Because he was such a caring person, well liked, I want to believe that a part of him is going to emerge and want to fight for his life and his family. He knows he has created a mess, and it seems he is miserable - he just can't stop, or doesn't want to. But I know that I need to be in recovery too from all that he has put our family through, because it's been a nightmare. The loss of trust is just so hard. So I struggle to stay afloat and hope that I can find solace here among those who understand. Thanks for your replies. I just don't really know how to react to him - I read somewhere, the Tony Drew books? that an alcoholic has a much better chance to recover if you yourself stop reacting to them and focus on you. Does anyone have any experience with that - that if you focus on yourself and not on them, the odds are better they will seek out recovery?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Welcome to the forum. I can relate to some of what you're feeling. My wife of 30 years is an alcoholic. She's been a drinker since we first got married, but I've only noticed it as a problem for the last five years or so, and it's gotten much worse over the past year.
In the beginning she only drank beer, and occasionally a mixed drink. About five years ago, she started drinking beer nonstop on weekends; she'd drink a 12 pack in one day. If we took a trip anywhere, she'd have me stop at a convenience store so she could get a sixpack of beer. Then, she met her drinking buddy who turned her on to the hard stuff, vodka mostly. That's when the rapid decline began.
Like your husband, my wife will not admit that her drinking is a problem, and I feel that I hardly know her any more. I don't have much wisdom to offer; I'm still trying to come to grips with it and figure out a path forward.
All I can do is offer encouragement, and let you know that you're not alone. As you read some of the posts here, you'll find that this disease seems to follow a common pattern almost every time, though the personalities of the alcoholics will vary.
In the beginning she only drank beer, and occasionally a mixed drink. About five years ago, she started drinking beer nonstop on weekends; she'd drink a 12 pack in one day. If we took a trip anywhere, she'd have me stop at a convenience store so she could get a sixpack of beer. Then, she met her drinking buddy who turned her on to the hard stuff, vodka mostly. That's when the rapid decline began.
Like your husband, my wife will not admit that her drinking is a problem, and I feel that I hardly know her any more. I don't have much wisdom to offer; I'm still trying to come to grips with it and figure out a path forward.
All I can do is offer encouragement, and let you know that you're not alone. As you read some of the posts here, you'll find that this disease seems to follow a common pattern almost every time, though the personalities of the alcoholics will vary.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 11
It doesn't sound like denial to me-it sounds like love and a longing for the life you once had. I have been married 22 years, my husband has probably been an alcoholic for all those years. It's only the past 8-10 that I've seen a drastic change in him. I got married for better or for worse, I don't want to give up on him, but I know that he's given up on himself. It is sad and frustrating. Go do something for yourself, take a walk, read a book, visit a friend, all these things help. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome, the same scenerio happened to me. It was as if aliens hijacked my A's mind, and left me with this stranger. The wonderful, kind, decent man was replaced with a bitter, angry, argumentative, know-it-all. The progessiveness of the disease is so very real. And it comes to life right in front of you, and there is not a damn thing you can do for them.
Time to put all your energy into YOU. Try to get yourself to a healthy place emotionally, physically,and spiritually. You are in charge of the rest of your life. It's not an easy journey, but it is so very well worth it.
You cannot help someone who doesn't admit there is a problem. The disease is so selfish, it robs us of the love we once shared, took the very joy that I so treasured and left me with a complete stranger. Someone I no longer wanted in my life. Life is just to short for me to be absorbed with someone else's repeated bad choices.
Peace to you................
Time to put all your energy into YOU. Try to get yourself to a healthy place emotionally, physically,and spiritually. You are in charge of the rest of your life. It's not an easy journey, but it is so very well worth it.
You cannot help someone who doesn't admit there is a problem. The disease is so selfish, it robs us of the love we once shared, took the very joy that I so treasured and left me with a complete stranger. Someone I no longer wanted in my life. Life is just to short for me to be absorbed with someone else's repeated bad choices.
Peace to you................
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 6
It sure helps to read that others know exactly what I am talking about. Now I do believe in the principles of Al-Anon - only I began to see that although I understand how they work, concentrating on me and not him, I just am not at a place yet where I can "emotionally" let him go. I have an obsession about him, mostly over the unbelievably rotten things he has done since his drinking got to the level it it now. It just isn't who he was. My family cannot believe how he changed. He was always a kind person - he hasn't seen my mother in six months. In all of this mess, my father died of cancer, unexpectedly and we are all trying to come to terms with his loss. My husband was not a participant in helping my dad in his final months. He was "too ashamed" of all the things he had done - DUI, cheating, lying, vile behavior. So he chose not to even come to my parent's home on the morning my father left us. Totally out of his character, but I know, the character he had went out the window with along with his morals and kindness once the alcohol changed his brain. I truly mourn the loss of the person I knew and I just can't accept it - at least not now. But I do things for myself - I draw, I read, I write, I try to do things that interest me but I am still very depressed and lost. I go to counseling. I just can't accept it. And I know I have to but I'm so lost and feel so alone. Thanks for all your replies. He doesn't want to get help - says he doesn't need help, and if he wanted to change, he could do it with willpower, not a recovery program or rehab. I see this man's moods swing like crazy at times - crying, then turns mean. I mean, he can change moods so fast, it's scary. I hope he reaches rock bottom some day, hopefully soon, but I know I can't count on it. And I know that all I can do is change me and my reactions to him. But is it true that he has a better chance of recovery if I change how I react to him?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Hi TreeArtist, I want to share my story in the hopes that it will make you feel better and affirm that what you are seeing and experiencing is real--and also that you are not to blame for your husband's problems and treatment of you.
My ABF and I just broke up a few days ago. We had been dating a year and half. However, we had also dated 20 years ago in college. We loved each other but were young, we broke up-- here's an important fact: he wasn't an alcoholic back then. We lost contact with each other for 20 years and then reunited and began dating again last year. When we started dating, I did not know he had just gotten a DUI, was a serious alcoholic, and had a multitude of problems from the alcoholism. I simply had no idea about any of it because I thought I was dating the same sweet guy I knew 20 years ago--and, he did not share any of this information with me when we started dating. I found out only after he got arrested a second time. But when we first reunited, I was so happy to have gotten back together with this wonderful guy from way back when!
Well, in the 20 years since we had not seen each other, he HAD changed, a LOT. Due to his alcoholism. One of his oldest friends warned me, "The person you are dating today is not the person you knew 20 years ago. That person is gone." But I didn't see it, in the beginning. Now I do, after a year and a half of pain. The man I knew in college still looks like the same person, but his personality has been utterly transformed by years of alcohol abuse.
When he started drinking really heavily a few months ago, it was truly bizzare. He started slouching in his chair like an angry teenager, using foul language, even chewing gum obnoxiously (normally, he is a very conscientious of manners and gentleman-like). He not only changed in his personality, but his whole physical attitude screamed of defiance. I felt like I was sitting there with a total stranger. One I couldn't stand.
I know that your situation must be much more painful than mine because I did not sit by for those 20 years and watch my partner deteriorate. I have not devoted so much of my life to someone and then have to look back in sadness of the memories of who my partner used to be. And when the progression is slow, it can be hard to recognize that it is happening. For me, it was easier because it was more like looking at two snapshots, one right after the other. Before, and after. Please know you are not alone! You have every right to feel hurt and dismay.
My ABF and I just broke up a few days ago. We had been dating a year and half. However, we had also dated 20 years ago in college. We loved each other but were young, we broke up-- here's an important fact: he wasn't an alcoholic back then. We lost contact with each other for 20 years and then reunited and began dating again last year. When we started dating, I did not know he had just gotten a DUI, was a serious alcoholic, and had a multitude of problems from the alcoholism. I simply had no idea about any of it because I thought I was dating the same sweet guy I knew 20 years ago--and, he did not share any of this information with me when we started dating. I found out only after he got arrested a second time. But when we first reunited, I was so happy to have gotten back together with this wonderful guy from way back when!
Well, in the 20 years since we had not seen each other, he HAD changed, a LOT. Due to his alcoholism. One of his oldest friends warned me, "The person you are dating today is not the person you knew 20 years ago. That person is gone." But I didn't see it, in the beginning. Now I do, after a year and a half of pain. The man I knew in college still looks like the same person, but his personality has been utterly transformed by years of alcohol abuse.
When he started drinking really heavily a few months ago, it was truly bizzare. He started slouching in his chair like an angry teenager, using foul language, even chewing gum obnoxiously (normally, he is a very conscientious of manners and gentleman-like). He not only changed in his personality, but his whole physical attitude screamed of defiance. I felt like I was sitting there with a total stranger. One I couldn't stand.
I know that your situation must be much more painful than mine because I did not sit by for those 20 years and watch my partner deteriorate. I have not devoted so much of my life to someone and then have to look back in sadness of the memories of who my partner used to be. And when the progression is slow, it can be hard to recognize that it is happening. For me, it was easier because it was more like looking at two snapshots, one right after the other. Before, and after. Please know you are not alone! You have every right to feel hurt and dismay.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
TreeArtist, I personally know of three long term alcoholics who quit drinking for good (we're talking decades now) because their wives had had enough and left them. So yes, losing you might very well be the motivation that your husband needs to commit to recovery. The thing is, if you really do move on and take care of yourself, you will be okay even if he doesn't quit drinking. So it's a win-win situation for you.
I couldn't accept the reality of who my BF had become from the alcoholism. But eventually I did. And you will be able to, too. My BF, although sober two months, decided to break up with me. And while I have my sad times, I realize it's best to accept that he's got to do what he's got to do. In the past, I wanted to change so that HE would want to change. Now I just want to change, period, so that I never tolerate that kind of hurtful treatment ever again. You'll get there. It may bit in fits and starts, as they say, but you will get there.
I couldn't accept the reality of who my BF had become from the alcoholism. But eventually I did. And you will be able to, too. My BF, although sober two months, decided to break up with me. And while I have my sad times, I realize it's best to accept that he's got to do what he's got to do. In the past, I wanted to change so that HE would want to change. Now I just want to change, period, so that I never tolerate that kind of hurtful treatment ever again. You'll get there. It may bit in fits and starts, as they say, but you will get there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 6
Yes, I can understand what you are saying about control tactics. I have to change myself FOR myself, not in the hopes that it will cause him to change. The changes I choose to make for myself need to be for myself, not in the hopes that he will think, "She's not reacting to me anymore." It can't be about him anymore - he has to make his own changes if he ever sees the light. I can't bank on that but I can work on myself. Thanks for helping me to see that a bit differently. I keep looking back and I have to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
TreeArtist...
My heart goes out to you.
My ex alcoholic husband (exah) morphed into a completely different human being as his disease progressed.
He went from this sweet, funny, charming, generous, affectionate, loving man to a miserable, depressed, bitter, hateful, paranoid, lazy, jealous man. At first the changes were slight and gradual, but in the last two years or so, they have come very quickly.
In the last month, he's been in the hospital with near fatal kidney failure, a psych ward due to hallucinations, and now a rehab facility.
Do I have any hope of him recovering and getting sober? Sadly, no. It's sad not becasue I want a life with him (I don't) but we have a son together )age 12) who desperately wants and needs his dad to be healthy.
My son and I have been going to weekly alanon and alateen meetings. We're slowly getting better.
Sometimes I actually wonder if my exah was actually the man I thought he was when I married him... Was he really that great or did he just manipulate and con me into believing he was someone he only pretended to be?
Alcoholics are such great manipulators... It's hard to seperate reality from fiction when dealing with them.
I guess it doesn't really matter. I only know that I understand how incredibly hard it is to let go of the marriage, the relationship, the person you once had (or at least thought you had) but at some point, we've got to let go or be dragged.
You've come to a great place for support and understanding. Al anon meetings will help you alot too. Keep coming back. Keep going to meetings. Try to keep the focus on YOU and what YOU want and need. You count. your needs count. Your dreams count.
You aren't trapped. Your future is yours to shape into anything you'd like.
Hugs to you...
I understand...
Mary
My heart goes out to you.
My ex alcoholic husband (exah) morphed into a completely different human being as his disease progressed.
He went from this sweet, funny, charming, generous, affectionate, loving man to a miserable, depressed, bitter, hateful, paranoid, lazy, jealous man. At first the changes were slight and gradual, but in the last two years or so, they have come very quickly.
In the last month, he's been in the hospital with near fatal kidney failure, a psych ward due to hallucinations, and now a rehab facility.
Do I have any hope of him recovering and getting sober? Sadly, no. It's sad not becasue I want a life with him (I don't) but we have a son together )age 12) who desperately wants and needs his dad to be healthy.
My son and I have been going to weekly alanon and alateen meetings. We're slowly getting better.
Sometimes I actually wonder if my exah was actually the man I thought he was when I married him... Was he really that great or did he just manipulate and con me into believing he was someone he only pretended to be?
Alcoholics are such great manipulators... It's hard to seperate reality from fiction when dealing with them.
I guess it doesn't really matter. I only know that I understand how incredibly hard it is to let go of the marriage, the relationship, the person you once had (or at least thought you had) but at some point, we've got to let go or be dragged.
You've come to a great place for support and understanding. Al anon meetings will help you alot too. Keep coming back. Keep going to meetings. Try to keep the focus on YOU and what YOU want and need. You count. your needs count. Your dreams count.
You aren't trapped. Your future is yours to shape into anything you'd like.
Hugs to you...
I understand...
Mary
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 6
Mary - I know what you are saying about wondering if your husband ever really was the decent person you thought he was. I have thought that same thing. I have really beaten myself up over it, but I finally came to the conclusion that he was a decent man who was well liked, wanted to do well - but alcohol was always a part of his life, only in the beginning, he was the "funny" drunk. Being that alcoholism is progressive, I pretty much "adapted" to what was happening - but I knew he was changing and not in a good way. I just had no idea it could get worse. From bad to worse. I saw the mood swings for years. I lived around them. I learned to dodge them. He would go back to his baseline behavior and I'd wait until the next round. But now it's all bad - unless he's crying. It's more the mean stuff now - as if there is power in how alcohol makes him behave - like it makes him tough and hard against me so he doesn't have to face the fact that he has caused so much hurt, to me and his children. It's just really hard that I don't recognize him anymore, that he's so changed. It is almost as if the decent person he was is fading from my memory and I have to ask family members to remind me that he was happy and a good person and that we had a decent life together. I still have hope and I pray that he finds sobriety but I know it's in God's hands. 
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
