Smithers

At last my mother may finally be going to rehab. She will have an interview on Monday after which the people at the clinic will set up a treatment plan for her. It's in Antwerp, almost a two hour drive from where we live. This is the first thing I feel annoyed about; I just want to leave her there. I can't have her at home another week.
The sad thing is that I don't know anymore how I feel about all this. I used to hope and wish for the day that she would finally call a rehab center for help. And now that she did, I'm not at all as happy as I'd imagined myself to be. Could it be too late?
These past few months so many things have happened. She's been in a total free fall this past year and I actually think she may have hit rock bottom. But does she see that? And if she does, will she have the power to get back on her feet again? She has mostly been drinking and lying in bed, and if she wasn't in bed she was out manipulating and yelling at us (me, my brother and my dad) and alienating her friends. I used to get along with her very well, loved her so much. She was a great mother. Now she's a miserable, depressed and angry drunk.
Truth be told, these days I don't want her around anymore when she's been drinking. And even if she hasn't been drinking I try to avoid her. Is this indifference that I'm feeling?

I feel a bit guilty about feeling this way.
Despite my detachment (which, I feel is going quite well, I feel happier now and less burdened), I still feel that I have to come home from college every weekend.

Well who knows, maybe things will get better...

Alone22

Smithers it sounds like your mom has put you through a lot and I really think what you are feeling towards her is very normal. You do not sound confused to me at all. You sound tired of how she is treating herself and those around her. Does she see she hit rock bottom? Only she will know that if it really is her bottom and sadly there is nothing anyone else can do to get her to believe it or not. I think you know this and perhaps that is why you are feeling the way you do. You know that she could be on her way to becoming the mom she should be, but maybe not. That reality is a hard one. Not wanting to be around her when she is not drinking simply sounds like a consequence IMHO. Hopefully after rehab if you see change in her you will feel differently and maybe you will be able to rebuild a better relationship with her. Coming home on the weekends will be your choice. See how you feel at that point and meanwhile focus on having a good summer. If you are not already doing so I highly recommend Al-anon too.

Freedom1990

My 33-year-old AD has been at it for so long that I have come to a point of indifference.

God knows I've been through the wringer over the years, and finally came to a point of detachment in all areas.

I think what you are feeling is normal.

Smithers

Thanks for your answers.
I suppose it is a very normal thing to feel this way. The thing that gets me most is the insecurity; will she be alright or is she damaged beyond repair? I rarely think of things this way anymore, but when I look back and compare who she used to be to who she is now, that makes me kind of angry. And then obviously all these other pointless questions that I'll never get an answer to arise, like: how can she destroy herself this way? What is she thinking?
Anyhow I should probably just wait and see what happens in the future. I already learned (in large part thanks to this forum) that her actions are her responsibility and not mine, so if push come to shove I may just have to go my own way.

Anyway thanks a lot for your support. I guess we all know in this forum how the ones we love the most can drive us to the brink of despair. I'm curious to see how things will go on Monday...

LexieCat

I seriously doubt that she is "damaged beyond repair." Many, many "hopeless" alcoholics have recovered. But it really depends on what she is willing to do to get better. And that is something no one can predict. She might not be "done" yet. Which isn't to say she never will be.

I, too, think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Nothing to feel guilty about. You've been dealing with this for a long time.

I hope you will concentrate on your own recovery. Whatever happens with your mom, it will not help you nor her for you to become completely embittered. You deserve a happy life, regardless of what she does (or does not do).

Smithers

So here's an update. She is in rehab and is doing quite well. She is now three weeks into treatment and will be released in 1.5 weeks. She has seen (at least for now) the need to be honest and open about her disease. Despite struggling with that by her own admission, I think she is doing very well overall. She has written letters to friends and family members to inform them that she is indeed in rehab. She looks 5 years younger and there is a calm in her voice that I haven't heard in years. Despite knowing to only believe things when I see them when it comes to addicts, I am cautiously optimistic that this is going somewhere. I recognize and fully understand that there is a very substantial chance that she will relapse. I also fear that maybe she still doesn't quite understand the extent of the damage that she has done and that that may lead her to misestimate the urgency of her problem. I am still concerned about her previous lack of perspective in life that may return after she leaves rehab.

But whichever way I slice it, I cannot help but feel happy that at last the cogs are moving - something real and tangible is happening. My father and I were invited for the program's family day and we got to share experiences with other family members today, a truly enriching experience! My friends are always very understanding and approachable when I talk about my mom, but this was on a whole new level. As I was telling my story (about having a mother that I could not trust with the simplest things in life such as doing groceries or more general stuff such as taking responsibility for her own happiness - also the feeling of helplessness when you realize that nothing you say or do can change the alcoholic's behavior despite trying so hard it nearly destroys you), the woman next to me burst into tears because she had grown up in a similar situation. But also listening to other people living under the same circumstances was great. For the first time I felt that my role of being the only one in my family actively trying to help her the past years was recognized. It was a huge relief for me as this was a very painful and tiring experience. Having a counselor pinpointing what pain and exploitation you have personally endured in front of a whole group of people was liberating. And it was a bizarre feeling that despite living with this problem for so long and thinking you know all the ins and outs, you still learn about the disease.

I see that even if she does relapse, it is not the end of the road. I am happy to be given the chance to start over with her, I just hope that she takes it seriously. I'm still nervous about her leaving the program. I hope for the best but prepare for the worst, but today was a good day!

Freedom1990

Thanks for the update, dear! Just take life one day at a time. It sure is more manageable for me that way and cuts out the anxiety over tomorrow.