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Having a REALLY hard time ending it

Old 07-08-2011, 03:52 PM
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Having a REALLY hard time ending it

Hi everyone--

I posted here in January when my AW was unfaithful and I finally had enough, so we separated and I filed for divorce. I was uneasy about how it was going to work, but she was drunk and I was fed up, so we were on the path toward divorce.

I started reading books on codependence and confirmed how totally messed up I am, a big-time people pleaser, conflict avoider, and wanting everyone to like me no matter what.

Then in April AW had a siezure and went into recovery. After a few weeks in the hospital, she asked if she could come home and I let her. The alternative was to go back living with another man, a bad situation that I did not want to perpetuate.

She moved home and we slept in separate bedrooms for a month. I was literally scared of her because of how much she hurt me, I didn't trust her ability to be faithful, truthful, or sorry -- but over the past 2 months she has been really, really nice and in time (deja vu) we basically starting giving our relationship another chance.

My friends and family were pretty disappointed, I just really didn't know what to do. I love her, I see the kindness and sweetness in her, how much she loves me, and most of all her clear-headed sobriety -- and I just can't go through with the divorce -- so I put it off until September by extending a deadline.

Now that deadline is only 7 weeks away, and within the past couple of weeks AW is starting to act a little strange. Maybe buzzed on something, probably not alcohol (she's on Anabuse), but something wasn't right. It made me sick, actually made me dislike her intensely -- so I asked her if she was on something and she swears, no, she's not.

Ever since I got freaked out by her strange behavior I realize how incredibly sensitive I am to her mood and frame of mind. It seems that I am unable to detach from her, in fact, I am as attached and "obsessed" with the relationship as ever -- which is know is stinking thinking.

Last night I revealed to her that this might not be working. I said I wanted more time for myself to realize my independent thoughts and dreams, and that I needed some space. I also told her that I wanted a Post Nuptual agreement in order to move forward in the marriage. I have spent a lot of time, thought, and money on figuring out who gets what. If I just get back into marriage again and it blows up 1, 2, 5 years later -- I can't believe I would have to start from scratch.

When she heard all of these thoughts, she was like, wow...she thought we were on a path towards hope and healing and instead I am freaking out! So she offered me the opportunity to move out for a while. Which brings me to the reason for my post: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT AND I CAN'T MAKE A DECISION.

I am utterly conflicted trying to please me, her, and everyone else in the peanut gallery. One of the books I read said that codies have a hard time making decisions sometimes. OMG am I ever having a hard time! I am all over the place!

Rather than move out I am going on a sabbatical this weekend by myself. Among other things, I need to quit smoking pot which has been my personal crutch for the past 17 years. I am highly functional on weed, but at this point in time I really need to think clearly, and also to have a clear conscience before God and AW to make some decisions.

This is so hard! Thanks for listening.
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:03 PM
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Trust issues. Yep, I've been there. Am now.

Have you been to marriage counseling? I don't know if that is the answer, but I would recommend it either way you go in this.

I too share your affinity for pot. Sometimes I wonder if my use is a way for me to cope with a stressful/unhappy marriage, or if that is overthinking it. Either way, I have gone without it for sometime, hoping that would clear my head enough for me to zero in on what I exactly I want in this relationship. And now I'm even more confused than ever.

I can't imagine personally coming back from unfaithfulness, but I do have good friends who have. And they have the best marriage now of anyone I know.

Reiterating, you should probably talk about these issues with a professional if you haven't already. Also, I recommend Al-Anon, if you haven't gone already.
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:05 PM
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Thanks for your honesty and sharing your struggles.

It isn't easy to break a lifetime of ingrained behaviors and beliefs. I've worked hard for years now on my codependency issues, and can still slip back if I am not vigilant.

I hope once you quit smoking pot that things will become clearer, and perhaps you can make some decisons, or at least deal with the current situation with a clear mind.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing!
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:08 PM
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It sounds to me that this coming weekend is your Next Right Thing. Good on you.
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Old 07-08-2011, 04:51 PM
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hi djayr, I hope all manner of good things for you and your life. Those are tough choices and I pray that you get the best answers for yourself and your life.

Now that I have said that, I just want to provide the below information, just for informational purposes. (this is not meant to diagnose or treat anything, etc)

It takes at least 8 days of detoxing to really get the cannabis out of your system enough for the fog to lift, depending on the level of your use. I was a heavy user about 25-30 years ago, and had been for about five years when I decided to quit. It took a year for me to start coming out of the fog. Afterward, I didn't touch it for 10 years.

When I was in a place where it was legal, I had (and still have) some health issues that qualified. So I did a light amount for a period of about two years when I went out on disability.

I quit when I was able to find other supplements and other means that were less sedating. (I really have a very hard time with pharmaceuticals - the side effects, especially on my digestive tract, cause me more trouble than the symptom/s for which they are prescribed.)

It didn't take the same amount of time to get clear after that; I'd say a month or two. (Disclaimer here, I am not a qualified physician, etc.) For the stress aspect, once I quit cannabis, I took Supercritical Stress Advantage by New Chapter Vitamins. The least expensive I have found it is either on Ebay or Amazon, depending on who's selling it for what price at the time. If you can consult a naturopath, they may have recommendations to make quitting cannabis, a smoother experience for you.
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Old 07-08-2011, 08:42 PM
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On a sidebar - FREEDOM1990, you post the nicest things. Really, you are a wonderful source of calm assurance...not just in this thread but others too. thanks for that.

djayr - I want you to know you are not alone. I too have a hard time making decisons. From small things like what to have for dinner to the big ones regarding divorce and the future. I have no advice other than to tell you that you are not alone. I will be reading this thread and hope you find the peace you are looking for.
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Old 07-09-2011, 06:54 AM
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In our marriage we always made joint decisions. So making decisions by myself was very scary. I would have to take the blame for anything that went wrong.
Things that helped me:
The old pros and cons list. It helps me to see them on paper and also to do a kind of flowchart of what could happen-knowing full well that my worst fear are no more likely to occur than a happy ending.
Talk it over with a friend who's wisdom I value.
The other thing that has helped me is what my therapist told me. Very few decisions are truly irreversible. You can change your mind. It made the weight of making a decision less all or nothing for me.
Do what is best for you.
You both sound like you are in early recovery and you might need to keep more space for yourself until you become stronger in your recovery.
Try Al-Anon if you haven't already. It will help you find tools to fight off those codependent behaviors and put the focus back on you in your life.
Best of luck to you.I hope it works out for the best.
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Old 07-09-2011, 08:36 AM
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Djayr..I remember reading your posts awhile back and want you to know I am also in very similar circumstances. Being attuned to my AW hour by hour mood changes and how it affected me. Anyone living with an alcoholic or drug addict deals with the same issues. I moved in and out many times until it became so unbearable I began to believe life wasn't worth living. Don't get me wrong I'm not talking suicide here I just found I had no joy and all responsibility. I finally moved out and committed to a lease. Got a cat for company and that helped..filed for divorce and going through all that now. You have to DECIDE and do it. Get to the gym and work out and let your family and friends help you. I still struggle with ending a long term marriage but what choice do we have? We CANT live with the drinking
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Old 07-09-2011, 09:34 PM
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I would recommend seeing a good therapist to help you get over this hump. It really does help immensely. I recently went thru something similar -- wringing my hands for months over a difficult decision. Within 4-5 sessions with my therapist and it became very clear as to what was best. It helps to have someone validate your emotions and sort through the options and get clear on what it is you really want.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find some serenity soon. Sounds like a real tough spot to be in I'm glad you found SR. Welcome!
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