my story and in need of advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
my story and in need of advice
Hi everyone,
I'll try to summarize as much as possible. Before my husband of 10 years, I have had absolutely no experience with alcoholism. My parents hardly drank, my friends in high school didn't drink and even my friends in college rarely got out of control. So I did not realize that my husband had a serious problem until about 3 or 4 years ago. I never paid attention to how much he drank and I was mostly just annoyed/embarrassed by his behavior. He isn't physically or verbally abusive. He basically becomes passive and sleeps alot. I can tell he's been drinking when he can't stand without swaying and his eyes become unfocused.
Well, about a year and a half ago, he lost his job because he showed up to work drunk. This shocked him into sobriety for about 6 months (which he said was the longest he had gone without drinking since he started as a teenager). Then he started again. I've tried nagging, threatening, guilting and nothing worked.Quite frankly, I hated what I had become. I've come to the conclusion that he is the only one who can do something about his disease. I've just recently read about detachment and right now, that seems to work for me. Although I still struggle with it. I still can't help but feel disappointed everytime he says he will stop, but then falls off the wagon. Although, I must be learning since these last two times, I've spent more time controlling my actions to his drinking rather than trying to control his drinking.
I've decided for the time being to try to work on the marriage and see if anything changes. I am happily married about 85% of the time and I figure that most marriages aren't 100% happy all the time. My priorities are not taking care of myself and taking care of my 2 young children, which brings me to my question.
My kids are 4.5 years and 3 months. Obviously the 3 month old is unaware of any strange behavior. My 4 year old is not really aware that anything strange is going on, just that once every other month or so (when he relapses) "daddy sleeps alot." My four year old is pretty well adjusted, I think, and happy. However, I know that some time soon, he will start asking questions. I want to be an honest as I can with him especially since the studies have shown that alcoholism runs in the family. I want to make sure that he is educated and realizes that this is something that he will have to watch out for. Right now, he is still too young to grasp the idea of alcoholism, but do I wait until he asks? What if he doesn't ask, then when do I bring it up? and how do I go about telling him?
If you've stuck with me this long into my story, thank you! I would appreciate any insights you might have.
I'll try to summarize as much as possible. Before my husband of 10 years, I have had absolutely no experience with alcoholism. My parents hardly drank, my friends in high school didn't drink and even my friends in college rarely got out of control. So I did not realize that my husband had a serious problem until about 3 or 4 years ago. I never paid attention to how much he drank and I was mostly just annoyed/embarrassed by his behavior. He isn't physically or verbally abusive. He basically becomes passive and sleeps alot. I can tell he's been drinking when he can't stand without swaying and his eyes become unfocused.
Well, about a year and a half ago, he lost his job because he showed up to work drunk. This shocked him into sobriety for about 6 months (which he said was the longest he had gone without drinking since he started as a teenager). Then he started again. I've tried nagging, threatening, guilting and nothing worked.Quite frankly, I hated what I had become. I've come to the conclusion that he is the only one who can do something about his disease. I've just recently read about detachment and right now, that seems to work for me. Although I still struggle with it. I still can't help but feel disappointed everytime he says he will stop, but then falls off the wagon. Although, I must be learning since these last two times, I've spent more time controlling my actions to his drinking rather than trying to control his drinking.
I've decided for the time being to try to work on the marriage and see if anything changes. I am happily married about 85% of the time and I figure that most marriages aren't 100% happy all the time. My priorities are not taking care of myself and taking care of my 2 young children, which brings me to my question.
My kids are 4.5 years and 3 months. Obviously the 3 month old is unaware of any strange behavior. My 4 year old is not really aware that anything strange is going on, just that once every other month or so (when he relapses) "daddy sleeps alot." My four year old is pretty well adjusted, I think, and happy. However, I know that some time soon, he will start asking questions. I want to be an honest as I can with him especially since the studies have shown that alcoholism runs in the family. I want to make sure that he is educated and realizes that this is something that he will have to watch out for. Right now, he is still too young to grasp the idea of alcoholism, but do I wait until he asks? What if he doesn't ask, then when do I bring it up? and how do I go about telling him?
If you've stuck with me this long into my story, thank you! I would appreciate any insights you might have.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
What helped me a whole lot was getting myself educated about what to expect and to help teach my son how to detach. We learned to go do things on our own and not expect our A to attend family functions with us very often. That's not how I wanted to live, going to events without him, but we did that for awhile until that didn't work for us, either. I wanted my son to learn how to be a good father, a good leader for his family.
In that spirit, we have now separated from our A, and he is working on his recovery as we work on ours.
Here are some resources that have been helpful to me:
SR, especially the stickies (above) and reading and posting here.
Al-anon. It took me a few tries to find the group that worked for me.
"Courage to Change" a daily devotional published by Al-anon.
The Big Book of AA, which can also be viewed online.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
In that spirit, we have now separated from our A, and he is working on his recovery as we work on ours.
Here are some resources that have been helpful to me:
SR, especially the stickies (above) and reading and posting here.
Al-anon. It took me a few tries to find the group that worked for me.
"Courage to Change" a daily devotional published by Al-anon.
The Big Book of AA, which can also be viewed online.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
The primary problem isn't the marriage. Work on it all you want. It won't help because the main problem is he is an untreated alcoholic not in recovery. Until he's fully engaged in recovery (and you too), in my opinion working on the marriage is futile.
That's like working on your house's wood floors when the roof is leaking. You can make those floors "appear" perfect, but it's going to rain again and ruin them. Every time.
Please consider Alanon for yourself. Keep an open mind, don't fixate on what you don't like about it, and try at least six meetings (some different) before deciding if it will work for you.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
That's like working on your house's wood floors when the roof is leaking. You can make those floors "appear" perfect, but it's going to rain again and ruin them. Every time.
Please consider Alanon for yourself. Keep an open mind, don't fixate on what you don't like about it, and try at least six meetings (some different) before deciding if it will work for you.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
I explained it this way to my youngest, who was 6 at the time and my AH went to rehab for the first time -
"Just like too much ice cream or candy can give you a tummyache, too much alcohol can make Daddy sick. You know you can stop eating candy or ice cream but alcohol is different and it makes Daddy want more."
Something along those lines. You can expand on it as the children get older.
"Just like too much ice cream or candy can give you a tummyache, too much alcohol can make Daddy sick. You know you can stop eating candy or ice cream but alcohol is different and it makes Daddy want more."
Something along those lines. You can expand on it as the children get older.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
When my son was 2 years old is about the time I realized my husband was an alcholic. I like you had no expierence with alcholism. I had no idea what to do. My parents had no expierence in dealing with alcoholism.SO I begged and I pleaded and I nagged and a enabled and covered up for him to save the family embarrasment. and I did a whole host of other useless unhealthy things.I obeseed over my husband and what he was doing or not doing. I lost myself. I didn't know who I was anymore because I was so enmeshed with him.
By the time my son was 4 y old he asked wht daddy slept a lot too. And I still did not know what to do. THen by 5 and 6 his dad's behavior and mine were effecting my son without any of us realizing it. My son started counting beers, pouring beers out and he started to decide if he was going to have a good day or a bad day based on weather dad was drinking or not. Then my neighbor boy who was 12 at the time started counting beers and obesessing over my husbands behavior and worrying sick about us.
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT ALCHOLISM. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHO TO ASK FOR HELP AND WHERE TO GET IT.
But I didn;t know and didn't ask out of embarrasment. If I would have asked maybe someone would have told me that alcholism was a progressive disease. That left untreated it gets worse not better. And boy did it.
My husband had work troubles and that landed him in his first rehab. Then I heard about this progressive stuff and about Alanon and about codependancy. I started going to ALANON and learned a lot and things got a little better but I stopped going because he was mad at me for going. But at least I learned a little this time.
Then my husband went back to drinking within 4 or 5 months and he picked up right where he left off and life got crazy again and I went back to alanon again and he got sober again. THIS TIME I LEARED THAT ALCHOLICS DO EXACTALY WHAT MY HUSBAND HAD DONE, THEY STOP AND IF THE RELAPSE THEY OFTEN PICK UP RIGHT BACK WHERE THE LEFT OFF. I ALSO LEARNED THAT CODEPANDECY WAS PROGRESSIVE TOO AND LOOKING BACK I HAD PROGRESSED.
My husband was sober for 6 months this time.He actually started working a program a little. I was laid up with a broke arm and a bone tumor scare, couldn't drive or even leave the couch for months.so thank GOD because he was taking care of everything. But then I started getting better physically. Then he relapsed again. It started with no drinking at all. he just started making excuses and stopped going to meetings. He bacame unreasonable. I did not at the time recognize this was a start of a relapse. If I had been going to alanon maybe I would have. He literaly took one drink and literally it took him over and hyjacked his brain and he layed drunk , drinking more and more for 6 days in an almost constant blackout He would only wake to get more alcohol. He drank and drove for the first time. He basically lost his job and he was sicker and having more DT's than I had ever seen him.
Having been to Alanon before and having an understanding of the disease helped me to detatch through the relapse and Thank GOD my codependancy did not progress this time. It was still ever present but it did not progress. I found the strength to detach. I found the strength to get my now 9 year old son, who is fully aware of the problem, out of the house so he didn't have to watch this. And I told my husband when he was half sober and really sick that he needed to make a decision if he wanted to go to the ER for medical help (he was that sick with DT's) or if he wanted to go to a treatment center, or if he wanted to go to a hotel because our son needed to come back home. I made no threats to leave him or divorce him. I said what I meant in a nice way and I meant what I said. I loved him. I was sorry he was sick, but our child and I were not going to keep living with our friend while he layed drunk. He immedately agreed that he needed medical attention and he chose the treatment center.
If it were not for Alanon I would have never had the strength to allow him the dignity to make his own decision. I would have threatened to leave him if he didn't go to a treatment center and then I would not have left. I would have given him no choices. I would have cursed him and kicked him while he was down. I would not have known I had the choice to detatch. I would have just yelled and screamed and begged and pleaded and nothing would have changed. Maybe he would still be laying drunk and jobless today? Maybe he would be dead. Maybe he would have sobered up on his own and went back to AA? Who knows. But what i do know is I was OK.
Maybe my husband will really work his program and stay sober. He has about 2 months. Maybe he will relapse gain. Who knows? But I know now how badly I need Alanon weather he is drinking or not. I am now fully commited to keep going. It has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I urge you to seek some kind of help and support for yourdelf. Wish I would have sooner.
By the time my son was 4 y old he asked wht daddy slept a lot too. And I still did not know what to do. THen by 5 and 6 his dad's behavior and mine were effecting my son without any of us realizing it. My son started counting beers, pouring beers out and he started to decide if he was going to have a good day or a bad day based on weather dad was drinking or not. Then my neighbor boy who was 12 at the time started counting beers and obesessing over my husbands behavior and worrying sick about us.
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT ALCHOLISM. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHO TO ASK FOR HELP AND WHERE TO GET IT.
But I didn;t know and didn't ask out of embarrasment. If I would have asked maybe someone would have told me that alcholism was a progressive disease. That left untreated it gets worse not better. And boy did it.
My husband had work troubles and that landed him in his first rehab. Then I heard about this progressive stuff and about Alanon and about codependancy. I started going to ALANON and learned a lot and things got a little better but I stopped going because he was mad at me for going. But at least I learned a little this time.
Then my husband went back to drinking within 4 or 5 months and he picked up right where he left off and life got crazy again and I went back to alanon again and he got sober again. THIS TIME I LEARED THAT ALCHOLICS DO EXACTALY WHAT MY HUSBAND HAD DONE, THEY STOP AND IF THE RELAPSE THEY OFTEN PICK UP RIGHT BACK WHERE THE LEFT OFF. I ALSO LEARNED THAT CODEPANDECY WAS PROGRESSIVE TOO AND LOOKING BACK I HAD PROGRESSED.
My husband was sober for 6 months this time.He actually started working a program a little. I was laid up with a broke arm and a bone tumor scare, couldn't drive or even leave the couch for months.so thank GOD because he was taking care of everything. But then I started getting better physically. Then he relapsed again. It started with no drinking at all. he just started making excuses and stopped going to meetings. He bacame unreasonable. I did not at the time recognize this was a start of a relapse. If I had been going to alanon maybe I would have. He literaly took one drink and literally it took him over and hyjacked his brain and he layed drunk , drinking more and more for 6 days in an almost constant blackout He would only wake to get more alcohol. He drank and drove for the first time. He basically lost his job and he was sicker and having more DT's than I had ever seen him.
Having been to Alanon before and having an understanding of the disease helped me to detatch through the relapse and Thank GOD my codependancy did not progress this time. It was still ever present but it did not progress. I found the strength to detach. I found the strength to get my now 9 year old son, who is fully aware of the problem, out of the house so he didn't have to watch this. And I told my husband when he was half sober and really sick that he needed to make a decision if he wanted to go to the ER for medical help (he was that sick with DT's) or if he wanted to go to a treatment center, or if he wanted to go to a hotel because our son needed to come back home. I made no threats to leave him or divorce him. I said what I meant in a nice way and I meant what I said. I loved him. I was sorry he was sick, but our child and I were not going to keep living with our friend while he layed drunk. He immedately agreed that he needed medical attention and he chose the treatment center.
If it were not for Alanon I would have never had the strength to allow him the dignity to make his own decision. I would have threatened to leave him if he didn't go to a treatment center and then I would not have left. I would have given him no choices. I would have cursed him and kicked him while he was down. I would not have known I had the choice to detatch. I would have just yelled and screamed and begged and pleaded and nothing would have changed. Maybe he would still be laying drunk and jobless today? Maybe he would be dead. Maybe he would have sobered up on his own and went back to AA? Who knows. But what i do know is I was OK.
Maybe my husband will really work his program and stay sober. He has about 2 months. Maybe he will relapse gain. Who knows? But I know now how badly I need Alanon weather he is drinking or not. I am now fully commited to keep going. It has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I urge you to seek some kind of help and support for yourdelf. Wish I would have sooner.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi heres2hope
I read your post and it made me feel really sad. Sad that you have to explain to a 4 year old that his dad is an alcoholic.
Once, many years ago I said to a couple of ladies that I thought that I was a great mum. And one of them replied to me 'you wont know that until they are grown up'. I still remember that to this day. Its very true.
I brought both of our DD's up in an alcoholic home that was 85% OK. Things weren't too bad when they were very small but alcoholism is progressive and the marriage got worse and worse and in the midst of all this was our DD's.
I have only been able to 'label' alcoholism as the major factor to all our 23 yrs of marital problems about 2 years ago when both of our DD's were young adults. I wish I had know when mine were both little because I would like to think that the outcome would have been different.
The youngest DD20 is now in therapy and the eldest DD23 is currently not speaking to her dad after telling him to go and get help. I didn't set a very good example or role model as a strong, independent, empowered woman who wouldn't allow an alcoholic man to verbally abuse her and treat her with disrespect. My youngest DD, struggles with all her relationships and allows people to treat her with disrespect (which she is getting therapy for).
Will your son grow up and be a well adjusted young man - you wont know until he gets there. But currently you do know his dad is an alcoholic, who is not taking sobriety seriously and therefore not setting a very good example to his son and so you have to take some responsibility for that.
Its a tough one and I am grateful that I never had to make that that call because I didn't know until it was too late.
I read your post and it made me feel really sad. Sad that you have to explain to a 4 year old that his dad is an alcoholic.
Once, many years ago I said to a couple of ladies that I thought that I was a great mum. And one of them replied to me 'you wont know that until they are grown up'. I still remember that to this day. Its very true.
I brought both of our DD's up in an alcoholic home that was 85% OK. Things weren't too bad when they were very small but alcoholism is progressive and the marriage got worse and worse and in the midst of all this was our DD's.
I have only been able to 'label' alcoholism as the major factor to all our 23 yrs of marital problems about 2 years ago when both of our DD's were young adults. I wish I had know when mine were both little because I would like to think that the outcome would have been different.
The youngest DD20 is now in therapy and the eldest DD23 is currently not speaking to her dad after telling him to go and get help. I didn't set a very good example or role model as a strong, independent, empowered woman who wouldn't allow an alcoholic man to verbally abuse her and treat her with disrespect. My youngest DD, struggles with all her relationships and allows people to treat her with disrespect (which she is getting therapy for).
Will your son grow up and be a well adjusted young man - you wont know until he gets there. But currently you do know his dad is an alcoholic, who is not taking sobriety seriously and therefore not setting a very good example to his son and so you have to take some responsibility for that.
Its a tough one and I am grateful that I never had to make that that call because I didn't know until it was too late.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
There's a sticky over in the F&F of Substance Abusers forum about this subject.... here's the link. I hope it helps and WELCOME to SR!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2859067
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2859067
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