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my realization

Old 07-08-2011, 06:22 AM
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my realization

Many of you know that I have struggled with proceeding to divorce my verbally abusive AH, and I have struggled with WHY I am having trouble. Interestly enough, it was my 14 year old son who made me see what it is. Long story short, my 14 son is going to "break up" with his girlfriend of 8 months. He and I were talking about it....and I kinda realized that I NEVER break up with anyone! I mean NEVER - ok my first husband cheated on me and I left, but in my eyes he had already "broken up". Anyway, this was a moement where I realized that I am SO afraid to hurt someone else and that I got married/stayed married/stayed in relationships because I didn't want to hurt them. Not because I loved them, or like them, but so I wouldn't hurt them. I SO don't want to be the cause of someone else's pain....even my AH, whose actions toward me have caused me pain. So THAT'S it. I'm 37 and have no idea how to END a relationship of any kind, so I stay around toxic people etc!! I know this is codie behavior....I just don't know how to move past it, though I know that I would be doing AH no favors by being emotionally/physically unavailable to him even he did go through couseling...that would hurt him too!
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Old 07-08-2011, 06:53 AM
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Your son is taking care of his needs, you keep focusing on the needs of someone else.

I have learned that I would continue to stay sick as long as I continued to care about my ex's feelings, rather than my personal well being.

You can move past this by putting yourself exactly where you should be....First!
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Old 07-08-2011, 06:59 AM
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I've found that they're not nearly as "hurt" as we think they are. They're mainly angry that things are changing and they have to come up with a Plan B.
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Old 07-08-2011, 07:11 AM
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& it's so much fun learning to be first.
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Old 07-08-2011, 09:22 AM
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Any pain he may have as a result of divorce is pain that he ultimately created through his choice to remain in active alcoholism. It has nothing to do with you filing for divorce.
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Old 07-08-2011, 09:30 AM
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Oh, my, did I struggle with this a lot, too. I felt as though I just did not have the heart to hurt someone (and usually men broke up with me instead of the other way around). It took me a long time to convince myself that I was not doing this one particular ex-BF any favors by dragging out the inevitable. I deserved to spend my life with someone I truly loved, and he deserved to be with someone who cared about him in that way. I did cause him pain, but he has since moved on and by all accounts is perfectly happy.

I hope you realize you deserve to be happy for yourself. It is a sad life we live when we subvert our own happiness and joy in order to NOT hurt someone else.

Hugs, HG
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