wildgarden

This is my first post. After almost 20 years of marriage, I will be telling my AH to leave the house for the last time. I'm very nervous that he's not going to leave. He recently relapsed again and I just can't go through anymore. He's left the house a couple of times in the past few years upon relapse (at my request) but this time I feel like he's going to give me a really hard time. I also intend to start divorce proceedings, which he's not expecting. We have 4 kids, ages 5 to 15, and I don't want them to have to manage living in this mess anymore. I'm worried about custody. They wouldn't be safe in his care. But for right now, I just need to get him out of the house. I'm not sure what my rights are about making him leave the house if he stands his ground and refuses to go. Does anyone have any experience or advice?

We've been through it all, failed intervention, failed outpatient program, near-death trip to ER, he's gone to AA for a few years, stints of sobriety, some lasting a year, excessive spending, depression, near forclosure, etc. I've been to Al Anon, and have stuck it out hoping that eventually he would find his way, but he always returns to the bottle. I have nothing to work with and my feelings for him have died. But I do have compassion and want the best for him. It just won't be with me.

Thank you for any thoughts you can share. I really do appreciate it.

Eight Ball

Hi wildgarden and welcome to SR,

I personally cant offer you any advice as I dont have any experience of this. I have recently left my AH of 23 yrs to live on my own and we have two adult daughters who had already left home.

I just wanted to say welcome to you and plenty more will be along shortly to give your some insights etc. You have come to the right place.

LexieCat

When you talk to your lawyer, ask the lawyer to ask a judge to grant you temporary exclusive possession of the house and custody of the children. I think most States have interim orders that can be issued pending divorce proceedings.

Under the circumstances, I believe most judges would not allow him to stay in the home, or with the children. I assume with the history you have plenty of evidence of his alcoholism?

Hugs, glad to have you here with us, and glad you are involved with Al-Anon.

Alone22

Welcome. You have found a great place to get fantastic wisdom and people who will support you. I don't have much advise to give, but do agree with Lexie. Talk to an attorney to find out what your right are in your situation. Perhaps it may be easier to get him to leave then you think considering he has left a couple of times in the past. Wishing you the best on that and as you move forward with getting away from the craziness living with an active A brings.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

First, take a deep breath and slowly exhale. Repeat.

Please give yourself time to extract yourself from this situation.
It took time to get to this point and it will take time to get away from this situation.

I left my alcoholic husband after 14 years of marriage.

I consulted with two attorneys (most will do a free consultation) to get answers to my immediate questions. I had lots of concerns as we had a child, plus my son from a previous marriage, a house, vehicles, debts, debts, pets and such.

It helped to find out what my legal rights were according to my state laws. I recommend you take evidence of the ER, outpatient treatments and intervention. This will help you prove alcohol is a problem in the relationship. This helped me with custody and visitation and a clause added to my divorce stating there is to be no alcohol around our children.

I left my AH after another episode of binge drinking. I was gone 3 days (no contact) then I contacted him and asked him to make other arrangements, temporarily, so that the kids and pets could have their regular routines. My AH agreed. (I mentioned nothing about divorce or lawyers)

My lawyer told me what my legal rights were concerning our marital home. My lawyer also advised me what to do in case of over reaction by my AH.

I was able to file a petition for divorce, and was granted divorce without any problems or over-reactions. I took it one step at a time and One Day at a Time.

I got support along the way here at SR and through my local Alanon group.

Let us know how we can help you

Freedom1990

I agree with Lexie. Talk to your attorney about getting him out of the house if he refuses to go.

I'm sorry for the position you are in, but it's obvious he isn't interested in long-term recovery.

Wishing you nothing but the best, dear!

Spawn

Have you thought about calling the cops?

theuncertainty

Welcome to SR, Wildgarden. (I love your handle BTW) I'm so sorry that you had to find us, but glad that you did. There are lots of strong shoulders here to lean on. Can you have family or friends with you at the house when you ask him to leave?

Wishing you peace and continued strength.

wildgarden

After a couple of years of reading people's stories and the support given at SR, I knew I could count on this community to be there. And you all know how it is...with life nestled in unpredictability, the constancy of real support is immeasurably important. Thank you for your insights and advice.

I can see that I should slow down a bit and be more thorough and careful about the entire process. Thank you, Pelican, for sharing the specifics of your story and LexiCat and others for the advice. That is particularly grounding for me. I have started finding a lawyer (identified a really good though expensive one) & have been getting my closest friends/family together to help me. As much as I know I must do this, it's still hard to face the reality of making such a permanent decision. The other times I asked him to leave, I knew I would take him back. This is different and I have so many emotions about it. I'm afraid I can't take care of the house, surprised that I'm worried about being alone, maybe for the rest of my life, worried about what people at church will think, etc.

AH drank double the usual yesterday -- I really can't believe how much he can drink and still function reasonably well. Because he downs a lot at a time, he's probably going into blackout mode, where he's quite capable, though some things he does would be down right embarrassing to him sober. But later, he has no memory of what went on during that time.

I like the idea of leaving with no contact and asking him to find other living arrangements so the kids can have normalcy. I did that a few years ago and it worked really well. Amazing what you can forget when life is in turmoil! The challenge for me is that I work out of my house, and it's really important that I protect my job. The last time, I had a place to go but this time, not something quite so apparent. I want my kids to be able to have friends over and be able to relax in their own home. I want the same for myself!

Thanks again for the help. You likely know what it means to me.

tjp613

Just want to let you know I care and that I'm so sorry you are having to make this very tough decision.

Let us know how you're doing, ok? (((Hugs)))

Ladybug0130

I have been through this. Fortunately, I was able to get my AH to leave, but the divorce process has not been easy on me or my two small kids. I think you can just go ahead one step at a time, keep moving forward, without thinking about everything that could go wrong too much. Ask him to leave, see what happens, and go from there. That's all you can do. Don't let fear of what COULD happen keep you paralyzed.

Leaping

YOu have been given great advice. I went through this myself. Step one is to see an attorney so that you know what your rights are. I was able to get his family involved and they helped get him out of the house and he is now living with them. I agree with the poster who said you should get someone with you when you ask him to leave, and make sure the kiddos are somewhere else for the day. Be safe.

Take a deep breath, start putting money in a seperate account and take things slowly. Keep posting and reading here, lots of wisdom.

aerain

Good luck to you-Hope all goes well. Know exactly how you feel.

Tally

I had all the same doubts...I'd miss him, how would I cope alone etc. But what we fail to remember is that being in a relationship with an addict (active or dry) is like being alone any way.

I promise you that once the hive of activity is over and the dust has settled and he is out your house, you will be able to exhale and just enjoy the peace.

You will cope, you will THRIVE.

fedup3

Hello wildgarden. It's so sad that if you read all the posts here you would think we were all with the same person. I'm going through a divorce right now myself, been married 39 yrs and my two children are grown and on their own. I have good and bad days. Days that I think if I never saw him again would be fine by me and other days that ache of memories of the past when things weren't so bad (did you hear what I just said "weren't so bad") is that the way for you as well? I think that when we're separated he'll die but that's evident if I don't divorce him. Do you start to cry at times that you're not sure why? I figure it's grieving and he's not the man I married he's gone. Is your husband gone too? Right now I'm having a hard time to get my AH to look for an apartment and he keeps saying I live here and I keep saying but not for long. I think after the divorce is final I may have to call the police to make him leave, ugh.

wildgarden

Thanks so much for the excellent advice and for the encouraging words. I have a feeling that once the dust settles, I will finally have the space to figure out what matters to me, how I want to create the rest of my life. I'm excited for that and can actually feel the shift inside. I've seen on other posts that people say you have to arrive at your decisions in your own time. Personal healing and growth for me comes when I actively work on it, let it rest, and come back to it. At some point, I arrived at a decision. That at least feels good. Even if the implementation of the decision feels daunting.

fedup3

I started my divorce over 3 yrs ago and then stopped it, started it, stopped it, ugh. So, you're right you'll know when to move just like I did. I think I'll always be concerned about my AH even after the divorce I've know him all my life but I will begin to live without him. Even now I have detached myself from him and started doing things I haven't done in a long time and I'm beginning to feel like I'm finding myself. You mentioned AL-Anon please for your sake start or keep going you need support or you begin to feel you're alone and if you can seek a therapist to straighten some of the things that got crooked in your life.

wildgarden

I thought I would share an update. Just today I got the strength to tell AH that he has to leave the house because of his drinking behavior. He wouldn't leave, at first. But I used the advice I received here and having discussed this with a lawyer in advance, understood my options for getting him out. I also increased my support system and though I felt utterly debilitated by my anxiety, I was able to put one shaky word after another until he understood that no matter what he said, he was leaving. And he did try every angle. But I'm smarter now than I was a few years ago, and I know when I hear the disease talking. I told him we can do this the easy way or the hard way (I was prepared to call 911 or tell him I would get an order for him to vacate, but I didn't have to say either). That seemed to get the point across. So, I'm taking the kids away for a few days at the beach so we can just relax and enjoy ourselves, which gives him a few days to find another place to live. I already feel my mood lifting and my inner turmoil settling down. I know that he's in a lot of pain right now, but my job is me and the kids. I feel quite detached from his current emotional state, though I have tremendous empathy for his anguish. I have also realized lately through the guidance of a good friend, just how much living with/enduring life with an alcoholic can change who you are, how you perceive people and the world around you. I can't believe how off-kilter I can be. Fedup3 is so right...things get crooked! If anything goes awry with him leaving, I'm fully prepared to go to court. He has no idea yet that I'm going to file for divorce, but at least getting him out initially leaves me with some space to figure that out more clearly. Divorce, I'm finding, is complicated business. I want to be prepared so that I give my kids the best life I can.

Thank you again for your support with this. Your advice was invaluable to making this first step successful.

wildgarden

Thank you fedup3. I've known my AH since we were kids and have a 20 year marriage (anniv in Sept). I felt I couldn't face that major anniversary as a couple. I'm not sure how I'll do moving forward without him given how long we've been connected. But it's not a healthy relationship and I've spent a couple years working on seeing it for what it is vs. what I wished it still was. It was really hard to let go of wanting a 50 year anniversary. But now, I'm totally over that. I just want to be content. I wish you a lot of luck with your situation and continued enjoyment rediscovering yourself.

Freedom1990

I hope you are enjoying your days at the beach! Thank you so much for the update. Hugs to you and the kiddos!