Just4me

So the good news is my fiance has been sober 12 days. Yeah, I know what you're all thinking (because I'm thinking it too!), but it's been at least 9 months since he has lasted this long. And this time I'm not trying to get him to do it, he (on his own) decided he was sick of being a slave to the bottle.

I'm so happy for him, I'm thrilled, and I'm terrified, all rolled into one. When he was drinking I at least knew the pattern and what to expect. I knew how I'd react, what would help me cope, and how I would get through my day. Dealing with a sober person is strange for me!

I want to hope that this time is the one that works (he did get pretty close to rock bottom). At the same time I'm scared of being hurt again, and in a way that I'm NOT used to. I can feel myself building up walls and knocking them down, sometimes in the same day and it's exhausing.

So, how do you guys do it? How to you detach with love?? I'm not ready to leave him and unless he starts drinking again I don't think I will. I do love him and want to show him how I feel, and I want to protect myself at the same time. Is this even possible??

LexieCat

Detachment is a skill. Al-Anon is a great place to learn it.

Full recovery (for him, and for you) is possible, but it doesn't happen overnight (for either one of you). By concentrating on your own recovery, and allowing him to concentrate on his, you will be doing both of you a favor.

Even if he never picks up another drink, and even if he diligently works his program, there will be actions and behaviors and attitudes that you probably won't like. It should get better over time IF he is working at it. It's a process. And the same goes for you. You may find yourself slipping back into old fears or controlling behavior out of habit. So the best thing you can do for both of you is to concentrate on YOU.

Panther

In the book Love First, they give this example. There's a woman who's husband is an alcoholic. At night he gets drunk and sometimes rolls off the bed onto the floor. Usually she would pull him back onto the bed. But since she's practicing detachment, she leaves them there on the floor one night.

The next day she goes to her support group and tells of her progress. They tell her that it's ok to detach but it should be done with LOVE. So the next time her husband rolled onto the floor, she put a blanket around him.

I think detachment with love means, you still love the person. You still do loving things for them. You pray for them, cook for them (if you like cooking), enjoy a movie with them - but you realize that although you are sharing the same path for a while with this person, you still have your own path to follow. You cannot live their life, just like no one can live yours. I believe in God and I believe God has a plan for me. So while I was actively involved with an alcoholic for a while, and I think in all honesty I was meant to experience that, that is not what I am meant to do now. I still love him. I always will. If his family ever reaches out to me for help in getting him medical care, I already have all the resources ready. But I won't allow my life to be absorbed by his. I still have my own path.

Panther

heres2hope

I am struggling with the same thing. My husband goes on binges about once a month or once every other month. The rest of the time, he is wonderful. When he does drink, he doesn't get mean, he just sleeps, so it's been easier for me to detach. At this point, my thinking is that I can't control his drinking. I can't make him not drink, which I have tried to do. He is the only one who can and should take responsibility for his actions. When he does go off on his binges, then I take the two kids and leave the house. I use it as bonding time with the kids. We do something fun: go to the playground, mall, catch up with friends, etc. Before I leave, I make a point to tell my husband that I love him and if he says anything, I remind him that I don't like being around him when he drinks and I don't like the kids seeing him like that, so I am removing myself from the situation and that I would be back at dinnertime and would he like any specific for dinner. I'm not sure if that's exactly what detachment is, but it's been working for me for the last three months.

Panther

heres2hope -

I think your story is a perfect example of detaching with love! It takes a very strong person to do that.

Panther

HopeEternal

I do the same thing! I am opting to stay and support my AH's recovery. Early on I used to react/fight/scream/argue/nag/whine about the drinking. I was so obsessed about alcohol/abstinence every second that I was driving myself and him nuts. AND the kids--life was put on hold and it was so miserable. Going to a couple of Alanon meetings and some counseling got me to smack myself upside the head a few times. I am learning how to focus on me and my kids, and what keeps me healthy and positive. I celebrate the sober successes, the times he goes to AA meetings I cook his favorite dinners, scrub his car.... the bad days I try my best to notice. The really bad days I take the kids and head out. They know enough about what is going on as they are older. Our whole family is in treatment, so they feel like they have somewhere to go. There is some control over how we don't get stuck in the middle of it. So far, this works SOOO much better than the old way. All of us are happy and healthy and have permission to excuse ourselves from the alcoholism.

While leaving should always feel like an option in the extremes of an abusive relationship, there are those of us who are living in the gray areas. Correct me if I am wrong, but it is hard to find practical, hands on advice for when you feel comfortable about staying and cheering them on. (I would love to be proved wrong on this one.... I got tired of going to Alanon meetings where everyone was screaming and yelling for everyone to run away and leave!)

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family HopeEternal,

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Starting a new thread will allow others to share their personal experience, strength and hope to your concerns.

I have not experienced screaming and yelling at my Alanon meetings. (I moved across state and have tried several). My current group has several couples that have weathered the storms and stayed together. I value their insight and wisdom.

jamaicamecrazy

Interesting comment HopeEternal,
I often feel that is the general attitude on this board. Most folks have left or are figuring out their escape plan. Others are cheering them on to take that first difficult step. My Al Anon meetings are different. Most folks are still with their partners. Some are doing it better than others. Some of the partners are in recovery and some aren't.
The folks in my group feel the Al Anon message helps them a great deal in detaching from the disease.
Good luck to you and your loved one.
I love happy endings.